I'm In Agony.

[dystopia]

Physical, mental, emotional, everything. My chiropractor did something to my neck and it hurts so much. It's an annoying, dull, constant pain and I don't want to take pills.

I lost a job two weeks ago that was half my fucking income and I had to ask my mom for help.. which is a nightmare because she criticizes me to death anyways now she comes over every day to patronize the hell out of me tell me what a fucking failure I am.

I basically have no real friends. I have no one who really cares about me. I am no one's favorite. I have literally never been so alone. I tell myself I'm fine & I don't need anyone. I chose to cut out a lot of people who were dragging me down & I sure don't regret it. I'm just so shit at making friends. I keep telling myself the right people will come along when I get my life together. But holy fuck it feels like that's a million years away, at least.

I started drinking again (last Saturday, I finished an entire bottle of champagne). I broke my sobriety streak, which was almost 200 days (I stopped counting) & have been drinking a bit almost everyday since. I had quit all by myself, with no support. I figured I got myself into it, I can get myself out. I have such an insanely hard time asking for help. It makes me feel like the biggest piece of trash on the planet.

I can't even see a therapist, in fact I can't stand them. Especially because I know that they are just getting paid to be there and couldn't give a fuck, really. I'm usually the advice giver but I can't be fucked to follow my own advice, most of the time.

I have been way too exhausted to work out. (I lost 5lbs tho, so at least my stomach is completely flat again) I have no inspiration for my art, writing, sewing, nothing. I thought I was over my depression. I swear, every time I make a good amount of progress, some shit has to happen to ruin everything. Some of these issues are not fucking new but jfc I was doing so well for a few months. 

The only person I can really talk to about heavy stuff is my roommate but I can't open up to him rn. Ok like, we have casual sex sometimes. We did it last night and it was over pretty quickly. He didn't even offer to get me off. Ok let's not get into that too much but he acts so nonchalant about it. I wanna punch his stupid grin right in. I don't care because his gf is a stupid bitch. I have no feelings for him (I've known him for like 7 yrs) & I say it's no big deal, so yeah I'm not the best "high moral" person. It's just that he is the only person I can talk to and when even he is oblivious and inconsiderate, what the fuck? 

But this is how pathetic I am. I am literally shaking, I'm in so much pain. I have no one who would even understand so I am posting this shit on here (sorry, I know this isn't a fucking blogging site). It just feels alright to vent a bit. I'm probably gonna regret this in the morning.

Edited March 18, 2016 by shouldnt

[Emerald]

23 minutes ago, shouldnt said:

Physical, mental, emotional, everything. My chiropractor did something to my neck and it hurts so much. It's an annoying, dull, constant pain and I don't want to take pills.

I lost a job two weeks ago that was half my fucking income and I had to ask my mom for help.. which is a nightmare because she criticizes me to death anyways now she comes over every day to patronize the hell out of me tell me what a fucking failure I am.

I basically have no real friends. I have no one who really cares about me. I am no one's favorite. I have literally never been so alone. I tell myself I'm fine & I don't need anyone. I chose to cut out a lot of people who were dragging me down & I sure don't regret it. I'm just so shit at making friends. I keep telling myself the right people will come along when I get my life together. But holy fuck it feels like that's a million years away, at least.

I started drinking again (last Saturday, I finished an entire bottle of champagne). I broke my sobriety streak, which was almost 200 days (I stopped counting) & have been drinking a bit almost everyday since. I had quit all by myself, with no support. I figured I got myself into it, I can get myself out. I have such an insanely hard time asking for help. It makes me feel like the biggest piece of trash on the planet.

I can't even see a therapist, in fact I can't stand them. Especially because I know that they are just getting paid to be there and couldn't give a fuck, really. I'm usually the advice giver but I can't be fucked to follow my own advice, most of the time.

I have been way too exhausted to work out. I have no inspiration for my art, writing, sewing, nothing. I thought I was over my depression. I swear, every time I make a good amount of progress, some shit has to happen to ruin everything. Some of these issues are not fucking new but jfc I was doing so well for a few months. 

The only person I can really talk to about heavy stuff is my roommate but I can't open up to him rn. Ok like, we have casual sex sometimes. We did it last night and it was over pretty quickly. He didn't even offer to get me off. Ok let's not get into that too much but he acts so nonchalant about it. I wanna punch his stupid grin right in. I don't care because his gf is a stupid bitch. I have no feelings for him & I say it's no big deal, so yeah I'm not the best "high moral" person. It's just that he is the only person I can talk to and when even he is oblivious and inconsiderate, what the fuck? 

But this is how pathetic I am. I am literally shaking, I'm in so much pain. I have no one who would even understand so I am posting this shit on here (sorry, I know this isn't a fucking blogging site). It just feels alright to vent a bit. I'm probably gonna regret this in the morning.

It's okay to be where you are, and it's also okay to hate being where you are. Sometimes it can feel like life is a giant rock laying right on top of me, that I just can't lift up. So, even though I'm not dealing with the same circumstances, I know the feeling of not being able to steer my life in a better direction. I get disheartened and self-loathing frequently and it feels like I'm going backwards... but it isn't so as long as I don't take stock in the thoughts that arise.

I think the most helpful way to spin life in a better direction when dealing with this issue is to practice unconditional acceptance toward your thoughts and feelings. Remember that there is no 'you' to think, and there is no 'you' to feel. So, you literally have no control over either of these things. You are not your thoughts. You do not control your thoughts. You do not control the content of your thoughts, and you don't have any say in the emotional reactions that come up as a reaction to the thoughts. 

So, your thoughts and your feelings are no more or less 'you' than any other phenomenon in nature be it a sunrise, ripple in a pond, or storm cloud. So, accept every thought and emotion that arises, because they have as little to do with 'you' or 'your worth' as ants crawling uphill. Imagine being falsely identified with an anthill and worrying and thinking "the ants shouldn't be crawling that way!" You have as little control over thoughts and emotions that spring into your awareness than you have over those ants. So, don't believe a single word that your mind tells you... particularly if it's negative and effects your self-esteem. You know it's an ego illusion for sure if it makes you feel worthless. It's a great litmus test for ego.

I hope that you feel better soon, and can steer your life in a direction that suits you much better.

[dystopia]

@Emerald Wilkins thank you, beautiful. You are so much more advanced at this stuff than I am. I sort of get it. Tbh it makes me feel kinda worse because it's like wow I'm complaining for no reason I'm trash life is pointless I get more depressed..

[dystopia]

@Nomad @FindingPeace @Philip @Neill Bolton @Sarah_Flagg @Rasmus @kalter000 @Truth  if you guys have any input whatsoever that would be dope I like you guys. Halp I'm drowning

[Sarah Marie]

@shouldnt I am hearing that there are a lot of life changes with you and this is making your uncomfortable and unhappy. 

Can you think of any other way to look at these changes rather than depressing and bad?

[Emerald]

3 hours ago, shouldnt said:

@Emerald Wilkins thank you, beautiful. You are so much more advanced at this stuff than I am. I sort of get it. Tbh it makes me feel kinda worse because it's like wow I'm complaining for no reason I'm trash life is pointless I get more depressed..

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you feel worse. I sometimes give advice where validation is more appropriate. It's totally normal to feel the way that you feel. I get caught up in similar thoughts and feelings at least once a week. So, you're definitely not weird or alone in your struggle. I think it's symptomatic of being in your 20s and in that part of life where things in life aren't exactly settled yet. 

But it often helps me get through those times to realize that thoughts are sort of like paper tigers. They don't have any power if you don't pay attention to them. Also, if you don't feed them, they die forever. But it always takes me a long time to get to a point where I can apply this realization. But since I have been, the intensity and longevity of these experiences has waned quite a bit. 

[kalter000]

@Emerald Wilkins I think your advice is good, but a bit advanced for her current paradigm.

@shouldnt My advice for now - stop resistance and fully sink into your situation, give up yourself to it. Drown till you hit a rock bottom and accept every emotions and feelings you have, live them. In the end you will realise, that in spite all of it "you" are still "you" and nothing really mattered. This psychological bottom will be healthy ground to build up yourself again, much more stronger. Learn being not that clingy towards misfotunes of life by accepting and releasing them. 

Psychological system you are operating right now is very dysfunctional, so it has to be destroyed and rebuild. This system causing all problems, including sleeping with guys you don't like and whom you want to punch in the face.

[nbolt]

35 minutes ago, kalter000 said:

 

@shouldnt My advice for now - stop resistance and fully sink into your situation, give up yourself to it. Drown till you hit a rock bottom and accept every emotions and feelings you have, live them. In the end you will realise, that in spite all of it "you" are still "you" and nothing really mattered. This psychological bottom will be healthy ground to build up yourself again, much more stronger. Learn being not that clingy towards misfotunes of life by accepting and releasing them. 

Psychological system you are operating right now is very dysfunctional, so it has to be destroyed and rebuild. This system causing all problems, including sleeping with guys you don't like and whom you want to punch in the face.

I think this is good advice. I can't claim to know what you're going through @shouldnt but what I've learned from my experiences and this forum is that you need to stop feeling responsible for this "bad situation" you're in, and you need to start bringing an extremely practical perspective to the situation. Alright, you lost your job. I've lost jobs as well due to not being diligent enough, but I took it as a learning experience and moved on. You had to ask your parents for money. I actually still owe my parents some money myself! You have no real friends? Well, are you aware of the saying that we can only really hold 150 meaningful relationships in our lives at one time? That's not a very large number when you think about it. You still have decades of life left, more than enough time to build up a few new close friends. Don't worry about missed opportunities of the past- focus on your present. Instead of getting caught up in the ego's worries, focus on what practical steps you can take to set yourself up for happiness in the future. Be honest with yourself, pinpoint the negative influences in your life so they can be removed, and focus on building an environment for growth and your future.

For me, all of the above became much easier when I started incorporating the mindfulness and meditation practices Leo talks about in his videos. I saw my ego for what it was and realized I don't need to tie myself down and hold myself responsible as I had been. Life is simply an experience and all you need to be is honest and authentic. As @kalter000 mentions- take all of the negative emotions in, experience them fully, realize and accept them for what they are, and move forward from there.

 

Edited March 18, 2016 by Neill Bolton

[Guest]

@shouldnt I'm not a Therapist, or Psychologist, or even Life Coach yet. I seriously hope the other people are qualified to help you and have some good advice for you, because this is out of my quailification. I wish you all the best. I wouldn't call his gf a stupid bitch tho and I really hope he has an open relationship with her. If he cheats on her with you then that's fucked up, and you both really should be ashamed.

Sincerely, Rasmus

[Kelley White]

@shouldnt, Hi!  Nice to meet you.

13 hours ago, shouldnt said:

Physical, mental, emotional, everything. My chiropractor did something to my neck and it hurts so much. It's an annoying, dull, constant pain and I don't want to take pills.

I hear you are in physical pain.  I regret that you have been worse since seeing the chiropractor.  Have you been able to contact them and reschedule or see if the chiropractor can reevaluate your condition and try to alleviate your pain?  Pain seems to make depression worse by my experience.  

13 hours ago, shouldnt said:

I lost a job two weeks ago that was half my fucking income and I had to ask my mom for help.. which is a nightmare because she criticizes me to death anyways now she comes over every day to patronize the hell out of me tell me what a fucking failure I am.

I regret hearing you lost your job; it sounds like this has made you feel not in control?  It seems you feel that your mother is critical and now you had to ask for help and that just made you feel more vulnerable?  I'm just trying to make sure I'm hearing what you are feeling so I'm asking.

13 hours ago, shouldnt said:

I basically have no real friends. I have no one who really cares about me. I am no one's favorite. I have literally never been so alone. I tell myself I'm fine & I don't need anyone. I chose to cut out a lot of people who were dragging me down & I sure don't regret it. I'm just so shit at making friends. I keep telling myself the right people will come along when I get my life together. But holy fuck it feels like that's a million years away, at least.

It sounds like you've experienced many negative events, you are triggered by your own admission.   I would be interested to know where you are right now?  How do you feel right now?  In this moment?  Don't focus on the million years away, focus on the right here and the right now.   Are you safe now?  Do you have  a place to sleep and eat now? 

13 hours ago, shouldnt said:

I started drinking again (last Saturday, I finished an entire bottle of champagne). I broke my sobriety streak, which was almost 200 days (I stopped counting) & have been drinking a bit almost everyday since. I had quit all by myself, with no support. I figured I got myself into it, I can get myself out. I have such an insanely hard time asking for help. It makes me feel like the biggest piece of trash on the planet.

I regret you had what I like to call an "oops."  I find the defining moment of an oops is not the oops itself, its what you choose to do now you've had the oops.   I am a prescription opiate addict in recovery since 2009.  I started my journey of recovery in 2007.  I had some oopses.   I invite you to just re embrace your sobriety and forgive yourself for your oops.  Recovery is not a linear process.  

13 hours ago, shouldnt said:

I can't even see a therapist, in fact I can't stand them. Especially because I know that they are just getting paid to be there and couldn't give a fuck, really.

What would happen if you removed the word can't from this story?  Is it a can't or a won't?  Is a can't or a "i don't want to because it might mean...?   Can you possible know every therapist is the same?  Is this really truthful?  

13 hours ago, shouldnt said:

I have been way too exhausted to work out. (I lost 5lbs tho, so at least my stomach is completely flat again) I have no inspiration for my art, writing, sewing, nothing. I thought I was over my depression. I swear, every time I make a good amount of progress, some shit has to happen to ruin everything. Some of these issues are not fucking new but jfc I was doing so well for a few months. 

Sounds like you suffered some major setbacks, it might be reasonable to feel angry, frustrated, upset, exhausted?  Might you be being hard on yourself? 

Can you think of a time you used anger or frustration to motivate you to do something positive for you? 

A time when you converted the negative energy into something positive?  Sometimes someone criticizing me makes me angry enough to get into this, "I'll show you space," which I've used to my advantage.  

13 hours ago, shouldnt said:

The only person I can really talk to about heavy stuff is my roommate but I can't open up to him

I'm confused as to whether you can or you cannot open up to him?  You could before but now you can't?  (You chose to before but now you choose not too?)

13 hours ago, shouldnt said:

Ok like, we have casual sex sometimes. We did it last night and it was over pretty quickly. He didn't even offer to get me off. Ok let's not get into that too much but he acts so nonchalant about it. I wanna punch his stupid grin right in. I don't care because his gf is a stupid bitch. I have no feelings for him (I've known him for like 7 yrs) & I say it's no big deal, so yeah I'm not the best "high moral" person. It's just that he is the only person I can talk to and when even he is oblivious and inconsiderate, what the fuck? 

So I want to make certain I understand you,, you were vulnerable and you feel that was exploited by this friend?  Where is the personal moral judgement coming from... the... you are not the best moral person?   What is the best moral person?  What does that look like?  I certainly don't know? I hear hurt over his emotional indifference?  Am I hearing you correctly? Is that reasonable?  You feel used versus comforted which is what you were seeking perhaps?

13 hours ago, shouldnt said:

But this is how pathetic I am. I am literally shaking, I'm in so much pain. I have no one who would even understand so I am posting this shit on here (sorry, I know this isn't a fucking blogging site). It just feels alright to vent a bit. I'm probably gonna regret this in the morning.

What is pathetic?  I don't hear pathetic.  I hear anger, I hear pain, I hear disappointment, I hear frustration, I hear the expression of authentic emotion.  You are venting, and venting is better than doing something self destructive yes?  Thank you for trusting all of us with your feelings and your vulnerability.  That takes very huge courage and is far from pathetic.  Thank you.

I think @Sarah_Flagg asked a very relevant

1 hour ago, Sarah_Flagg said:

I am hearing that there are a lot of life changes with you and this is making your uncomfortable and unhappy. 

Can you think of any other way to look at these changes rather than depressing and bad?

Its okay to fall down, its okay to vent, its okay to do all those things.  Now that they are all done?  What can you do to forgive and empower you to take some steps forward for yourself?  When I can focus  on creative problem solving mode?  That is empowering.  How can you empower you?

I sincerely hope you are feeling better now and please keep us posted on your  situation.   Thank you so much for being so courageous and strong.

 

[Isle of View]

@shouldnt

Did you contact the chiropractor again?

The neck is not a thing to play around with. It may very well be that all your depression is stemming from a physical inbalance caused in your neck region. There are blood vessels and nerves that can be sqeezed and if they are, you can have a lot of the symptoms you talk about.

Please see this video: 

 

 

You should go to your chiropractor and handle the issue.

If he does not want to, look for another one who is competent. Use google or any search engine to find one near you with good reputation.

It's important to get your issue handled first before even considering a psycho therapy.

Kind regards, 
Chris

[dystopia]

@Kelley White "Thank you so much for being so courageous and strong" idk why but I'm crying because of this comment. No one ever fucking acknowledges how strong I've had to be for so long. Nice to meet you too. I will reply to the rest of your post when I come back from my chiro appointment.

@Neill Bolton thaank you for taking the time to respond. I thought Leo said in one video that you are responsible for everything that happens to you ? Maybe I took that the wrong way. You're right. I think I need to come up with some sort of plan, this weekend. Thank you <3

@kalter000  thanks you really understand me. I had a huge panic attack last night I was pacing around, crying, really feeling it. I think I can progress from here. I'm trying not to be swallowed by negativity. I just watched Aladdin so I'm feeling a little better.

@Rasmus  well, ok. I tried telling that dumb bitch but she stays with him. I don't care if you judge me. I don't feel bad about it. I feel bad for how he is treating me. Yeah, I guess I'm a little self centered.

@Emerald Wilkins  ok I guess they don't have power if you don't pay attention to them...I will have to work on that because I tend to not deal with my emotions but then they all build up and I break down, like last night. Maybe that's still too advanced for me jfc. It's ok and I appreciate it.

Thank you so much, guys. I do not regret posting this here. I feel less alone now 

[Guest]

@shouldnt Please don't summon me to such pathetic threads ever again.

[dystopia]

@Isle of View I went back to him, just now. I think the problem is that I missed a couple of days of treatment & he was too rough on me the day I came back. He says it's easy to undo the work if you miss appointments. He messed with my neck a lot & it's sore again but hopefully it'll be fine. I will not watch the video at this moment because I can be a bit of a hypochondriac and I got a huge panic attack while I was waiting for the chiro (if I have symptoms in the video, I'll freak out more). I'm still trying to calm myself. He was really cool about it and reminded me to breathe from my belly. I appreciate your input.

 

[dystopia]

2 hours ago, Kelley White said:

I hear you are in physical pain.  I regret that you have been worse since seeing the chiropractor.  Have you been able to contact them and reschedule or see if the chiropractor can reevaluate your condition and try to alleviate your pain?  Pain seems to make depression worse by my experience

I just did, please see my previous reply to Isle. Oh physical pain absolutely makes it worse. I was exhausted from the work week, then felt pain from the chiro on top of that. Everything I was bottling up spilled out. My chiro suggested I ice my neck if I feel sore. I'm about to.

2 hours ago, Kelley White said:

I regret hearing you lost your job; it sounds like this has made you feel not in control?  It seems you feel that your mother is critical and now you had to ask for help and that just made you feel more vulnerable?  I'm just trying to make sure I'm hearing what you are feeling so I'm asking.

Yes, I'm the type of person who freaks out immensely when I don't have financial stability. Especially now that my roommate is moving out in a few months when the lease expires, I depend on using his car a lot & here is what happened. I crashed my car last December. It was declared totaled. So long story short, my insurance sky-rocketed, and I didn't have enough money save up to get another car, nor can I afford the insurance, at this rate. Then, on top of it all, I get fired from one of my jobs. NOT from incompetence, mind you. I worked at a laundromat, doing wash dry fold service for people who wanted to drop off their laundry for a fee.  I also kept the place as clean as possible. I worked my ass off on my down time. I got them so much more business that the decided they don't want to pay me any more because they can afford a pro cleaning service and my co-worker will take over my shifts simply because she had been there longer.

Like I said, my mother has never offered me emotional support. She was my only parent, too. I have learned to be as strong as possible, especially around her, because if I ever show any kind of "weakness" she literally just scoffs and calls me a drama queen. It sucks so bad to have to ask her for anything. She won't let me hear the end of it. She makes me feel like I owe her a lot already.

3 hours ago, Kelley White said:

It sounds like you've experienced many negative events, you are triggered by your own admission.   I would be interested to know where you are right now?  How do you feel right now?  In this moment?  Don't focus on the million years away, focus on the right here and the right now.   Are you safe now?  Do you have  a place to sleep and eat now? 

I'm having a severe panic attack. Trying to focus on breathing but my arms are tingly and going numb. Yes I do have a place to sleep & eat. I do normally try to be grateful for the little things. I swear I haven't had as big of a break-down in a long time. I hadn't had a panic attack in over a year.

3 hours ago, Kelley White said:

I regret you had what I like to call an "oops."  I find the defining moment of an oops is not the oops itself, its what you choose to do now you've had the oops.   I am a prescription opiate addict in recovery since 2009.  I started my journey of recovery in 2007.  I had some oopses.   I invite you to just re embrace your sobriety and forgive yourself for your oops.  Recovery is not a linear process. 

Ok. Yes. I did not drink last night and I don't plan on doing it today. I have no desire to fall back into it, I would just feel too awful.

3 hours ago, Kelley White said:

What would happen if you removed the word can't from this story?  Is it a can't or a won't?  Is a can't or a "i don't want to because it might mean...?   Can you possible know every therapist is the same?  Is this really truthful?  

Ok uhm. I don't like therapists. I've seen them before. I don't know how to answer this, right now.

3 hours ago, Kelley White said:

So I want to make certain I understand you,, you were vulnerable and you feel that was exploited by this friend?  Where is the personal moral judgement coming from... the... you are not the best moral person?   What is the best moral person?  What does that look like?  I certainly don't know? I hear hurt over his emotional indifference?  Am I hearing you correctly? Is that reasonable?  You feel used versus comforted which is what you were seeking perhaps?

I do sometimes feel like....if I was  abetter person I wouldn't do such things like allow a friend to cheat on his gf. but I just don't care. It oesn't bother me in the least.

It's stupid but I feel like sinc eI have known him so long he should be more considerate of me. He is much less now that he has  agf. which is how it should be I guess but....

shit my my mom just said she's gonna stop by after work. ok I need a break my arms are serioulsy going numb I'm gonna go walk around.

[Isle of View]

38 minutes ago, shouldnt said:

@Isle of View I went back to him, just now. I think the problem is that I missed a couple of days of treatment & he was too rough on me the day I came back. He says it's easy to undo the work if you miss appointments. He messed with my neck a lot & it's sore again but hopefully it'll be fine. I will not watch the video at this moment because I can be a bit of a hypochondriac and I got a huge panic attack while I was waiting for the chiro (if I have symptoms in the video, I'll freak out more). I'm still trying to calm myself. He was really cool about it and reminded me to breathe from my belly. I appreciate your input.

 

Thank you for letting me know.

The video itself was not to scare the f*ck out of you :-D But I understand, when one does not feel well, all symptoms that are mentioned somewhere tend to be interpreted in a self-centred way.

Get well soon, mate.

~Chris

 

[dystopia]

54 minutes ago, Rasmus said:

@shouldnt Please don't summon me to such pathetic threads ever again.

Oh don't worry I will stay far the fuck away from you. Worry not, friend. Don't worry mister holier than thou. I'm sure you've never made a single mistake or done anything morally questionable ever huh. You are a true saint. A god. Everyone bow the fuck down to Rasmus guys he is perfect & I am pathetic. Listen, bruh, I am having the panic attack of my life right now. Please leave me alone.

@kalter000  daddy tell him to leave me alone lol. It's a joke. I am joking. My arms and face is numb reality is fuckrd. It's just a prank bro. I am trying g to keep my sanity but I feel like I'm in another dimension rn.

Breathe don't die. Breathe don't die breathe don't die

Please hurry up and ascend to your immortal throne Rasmus! Lest you waste another second being subjected to petty mortal foibles!

Edited March 18, 2016 by shouldnt

[kalter000]

@shouldnt nah, you have a great love-hate relationship, I won't spoil it. *Grabs popcorn*

[dystopia]

@kalter000 thanks....

@Rasmus you kno what I just realized something. You remind me a lot of my ex husband.  He thought he was fucking infallible. He was just a fucking coward. He beat the shit out of me. I cried and he laughed. Every time I made the smallest mistake (especially on something he asked) he would make me feel like trash. He would grab by the hair and slam me into the wall. I lost my temper and threw stuff at him a couple of times. I wound up with a few more bruises. I thought I could handle myself. I refused to let him break me. But in reality I was a complete and utter wreck. Guess what, bitch, people like you & him are the pathetic ones. He was an arrogant holier than thou asshole. I found the strength to leave him. You can't make me feel the least bit guilty. I am on a public forum, pouring my heart out, hoping for growth. I am bettering my fucking life. You are sitting there trying to make someone feel less. Good job.

[Truth]

When things go down in the shit hole for me, the more I work on myself the more  I get sparks of hope, why? because I always have the best growth from those types of situations, I always have a big insight that puts it all together, READ, do personal development. Find answers to why you feel this way. Leo covers so many topics and just one video can hold a golden nugget for you, I don't think you see yet how valuable these videos are. Allow yourself to change into the person you want to be, how you want to feel, this place can give you emotional support but it will only be a temporary fix,  but, it's so much better for you if you change internally. Build positive habits (journaling and watching/studying yourself is a good start), new mindsets, new attitudes, wear them and see how they feel, allow yourself to grow.

All the best.

Edited March 18, 2016 by Truth