I've realized how little control I have and I struggle with it

[Nadosa]

Controlling, hoping, seeing ways out of psychological suffering, looking in the future...all that is literally gone since I have experienced a sudden Ego-death, or let's call it "psychological death". I dont even know what I am if I dont have control over my mental states. I am in a terrible state of mind because of that somehow.

Edited July 6, 2018 by Nadosa

[Nadosa]

But, literally, in every situation I try to heal myself, such as running myself tired, this submind with those tremendously irritable thoughts about my person, always gets in the way, totally blocks out my healing energies while exercising and thus makes me a lazy person.

This is why I feel like I have to go straight down the way of internal death - there is no healthy "me" left to heal, it always conquers with the reason that I cant and dont want to live anymore, that I literally must take "my person" to an end. It is not just thoughts - but a whole differently worldviewing submind that takes over and I am heavily "in love" with. I wish I could tell you and express it better...it is a horrible mental experience...and it feels like if I want to heal that I have to sacrifice "me" for it. It is just that and it was the only logical outcome since that issue started. Look at my first thread if you are interested...

Edited July 7, 2018 by Nadosa

[Nadosa]

Submind is a word/definition I learned from my buddhist teacher.

"Your mind is really lots of little parts, call them subminds, each of which has its own goals and agendas. Your conscious experience is those parts of your mind bringing their various goals and agendas to your attention, where a decision-making process happens. Everyone's mind is like this—the idea of the mind being unified is an aspect of the illusion of self.

Whatever coalition of subminds is active at any moment is as strong as you are, because it is arising as "you" in that moment. It's really not just two subminds—it's more like two intersecting societies of mind that share different views."

Last part is talking about me.

Yes, it is really that my Ego doesn't want to do some persistent meditation practise, it has fear to dissolve.

Edited July 7, 2018 by Nadosa

[Nadosa]

What happened to your answers? @Nahm

Edited July 7, 2018 by Nadosa

[Guest Quanty]

Go deep into the first chakra, all will come back 10 times clearer and sharper. 

[B_Naz]

There was no control in the first place  

Flow with it. Be with it. Don't resist it. You said this is a state of mind, states of mind comes and goes. One day I'm angry about the England's performance at the World Cup, and then the next day I'm excited that it's coming home when they win

Don't feel terrible about it, just be joyful about the conflict Why be joyful? Because...

The answer is within you, keep searching. You're just scared because of the state. States come and go!

Leo once said to me that I'm treating these types topics "too much like philosophy" and it's true with most topics. The answer is within you. The answer of struggle and why it's there

[Torkys]

Don't create turbulence. Surrender to it. Learn to love it. If you can't, love the one who can't love.