The flaws of the Self

[Scholar]

I feel like there is a deep lack of self-honesty in myself, and this is why I want to try to find the most major flaws I have and list them in this thread.

• Intellectual arrogance: I am very focused on outsmarting people, I enjoy finding flaws in statements others make or theories that I disagree with. I love to be right, and I love to criticize things that I don't know a lot about. For example I have made multiple posts in this forum about Spiral Dynamics even if I never read a single book about it, all I have seen is the few videos Leo made and a few charts I found online. I am easy to dismiss others on the basis what I already believe in, even if I put on a mask of open-mindedness. I am not really open-minded, I just pretend to be so that I don't look arrogant.
• Desire to teach people what I barely understand: I rarely read books, and I have this weird tendency to try to tell people my opinion about things that I know almost nothing about. I am an ignorant fool who doesn't want to admit that he is, and I am even willing to risk misinforming people if it means I look as if I know what I talk about. This is something I became more aware of the past few months but I am still doing it to a great degree.
• Inability to face loneliness: I really have the problem that I need stimulation to not feel existential dread, and I am not willing to face the suffering, even though I know it is what I need to do. I rather escape into addictions, which I know doesn't get me anywhere but at least I can avoid it. I keep making excuses that one day I will take care of it, that one day I will be who I want to be, but I don't think it will get any easier in the future.
• Lack of discipline: I don't have enough discipline to lead a meaningful life, I am very lazy and unable to mobilize myself most of the time. I think the biggest reason for this is the inability to face loneliness.
• Dishonesty about my life-purpose: This is something I am still confused about. I am trying to become an illustrator but I don't really think that it is meaningful. I don't really see the point in art, even though I enjoy learning it. I am unwilling to change the direction of my life, because I don't see any better alternative. I don't feel like I am passionate enough.
• Self-delusion: I think I keep lying to myself so that I don't have to face the emotionally difficult thing. I am not willing to admit that I might have wasted a lot of my life, and that I am not as lucky as I think I am. There is a part of me that keeps saying that I should be grateful that I know what I know about life, that the teachings I have investigated are more valuable than what most people will learn in their entire life's. But I feel like this might just be a delusion, a lie so I don't have to admit to myself what I truly am. Sometimes I see myself using nihilism to be okay with life the way it is, so that I can remain in the comfort I am in. "What does it matter what I accomplish if in the end life is impermanent?" Even though it is true (I don't even know that), I feel like I might be deceiving myself so that I don't have to suffer. Leo's philosophy is very attractive to me partly because it is very comforting, it means that no matter what happens, I will be fine in the end. At the same time it makes me very elitist because I am the only one I know who knows about all the things Leo is teaching. It makes me pity other people, the hedonists who don't really know that their path will never make them happy. Though I am not sure if my path will ever make me happy either, but I can always look at it like it doesn't matter because in the end everything is perfect the way it is.
• Need to be seen as wise and intelligent: Even now I feel the need that I want to be seen as someone who is wise. For this entire post there is this sub-agenda of wanting to come off as someone who is self-honest and humble enough to talk about his flaws. "Look at how brave I am for being honest about how lazy and dishonest I am!" And it's not going away, even what I am writing this very moment is part of it. It's a complete deception. I am not really humble at all, and I am not open-minded. I simply act that way so that I look like a developed human being. And I am not just doing that so others think that way, but also so I myself think that about myself. This entire thing I am doing is not brave at all, because nothing is on the line. I am completely anonymous, it is meaningless. It's like I am talking to myself.

I don't know if anyone can help me with this, any advice I will get might just become part of more deception. I will still post this just so people can do the same if they want to. But I have no idea whether it is just another deception, if I am actually self-honest here or if I just want to further boost my ego. How do I know whether all these thoughts about all these flaws are not just more deception, am I not arrogant for thinking that I know so much about myself? Maybe I am the ultimate Zen Devil.

I remember I had a similar insight a few months ago, the content was different but it was a similar conclusion. It seems like I am just running in circles thinking I am becoming a better person.

[Salvijus]

You're too full of yourself. Do something for others. Clean the kitchen. It will make you stop thinking about yourself that much

Also it feels like this post was another way to get attention. 

Also I sense some kind of victim mentality here. And arrogance. 

In general, you're a mess

I'm telling you. Volunteering would do wonders for you. You seen like a smart guy to understand that.

[nour-cha93]

Being aware of your flaws is good. Very few people think this way. 

If I am to write a post about my flaws someone will kick me out 

I think you should stop caring what others might be thinking of you. 

Watch Leo's video on this. It helps. 

[Guest Quanty]

Go full throttle into what you reject right now. It is a phase, do not reject it. 

[Scholar]

18 hours ago, Salvijus said:

You're too full of yourself. Do something for others. Clean the kitchen. It will make you stop thinking about yourself that much

Also it feels like this post was another way to get attention. 

Also I sense some kind of victim mentality here. And arrogance. 

In general, you're a mess

I'm telling you. Volunteering would do wonders for you. You seen like a smart guy to understand that.

I think you are right about the attention seeking, I was completely blind to it, even as I was looking for my flaws. I was thinking about volunteering for some cause, but I don't think I have the courage to do so. I don't really have a victim mentality, at least not as far as I know. I don't blame others for anything, I don't feel like I am in a bad position. 

I don't really know how to stop seeking for attention, though. I could try to establish more relationships with people but I feel like that would not really change anything about the need for attention, it would just satisfy it.

 

14 hours ago, Quanty said:

Go full throttle into what you reject right now. It is a phase, do not reject it. 

What do you mean?

[Guest Quanty]

Have you noticed that when you say: "I'm like this or I will do this and that", you will probably do the opposite in most cases.

The mind works backward from only its perspective and identification. Don't run from the negative, if you feel hateful !do it! at a mind level, and start to hate, just watch what happens. One hates in the mind and what is left to give physically/externally is the opposite.

[Salvijus]

2 hours ago, Scholar said:

I think you are right about the attention seeking, I was completely blind to it, even as I was looking for my flaws. I was thinking about volunteering for some cause, but I don't think I have the courage to do so. I don't really have a victim mentality, at least not as far as I know. I don't blame others for anything, I don't feel like I am in a bad position. 

I don't really know how to stop seeking for attention, though. I could try to establish more relationships with people but I feel like that would not really change anything about the need for attention, it would just satisfy it.

Volunteering doesn't mean working in big organization to save starving kids. It simply means, do something for others. Like plant a tree, feed some birds, clean somebody else's dishes.

All these things will be hard to do because there's a voice inside of us that says "what is it for Me?" We want to take this self-importence out because it gives birth to all the arrogance and vanity.

Also you can start bowing down to people, at least in your mind. Try to hold something higher then yourself. A dog, a person, someone you hate, try to bow down to it in your imagination.

This also helps to take away the arrogance and make you humble and carring. 

Edited July 7, 2018 by Salvijus

[Scholar]

57 minutes ago, Salvijus said:

Volunteering doesn't mean working in big organization to save starving kids. It simply means, do something for others. Like plant a tree, feed some birds, clean somebody else's dishes.

All these things will be hard to do because there's a voice inside of us that what is says "it for Me?" We want to take this self-importence out because it gives birth to all the arrogance and vanity.

Also you can start bowing down to people, at least in your mind. Try to hold something higher then yourself. A dog, a person, someone you hate, try to bow down to it in your imagination.

This also helps to take away the arrogance and make you humble and carring. 

I think you might have misinterpreted some of the things I have written. I am not really selfish in the sense that I have difficulty to sacrifice my own happiness for others. I actually do feed birds, I do help with dishes whenever I can. I even get insects out of my apartment when I see them instead of killing them. The arrogance I was referring to was more of an intellectual arrogance, in the way that I easily feel like I know better than others. I don't know how to explain it in a way that would make more sense.

[Highest]

The Self cannot be flawed, it is beyond perfection. These are the problems of the ego-mind, the person. Ask to whom does these problems arise. Go back to the source, where there exist no problems, just the contentment of being.

[student]

You are honest with yourself and that is very good, because only this way you can change yourself.

You have the characteristics of a "normal" person, but the advantage that you have is that you can see how you behave and what is wrong with it. Now the "hardest" part is letting go of the "intelligence" that you think you have, of the image of yourself, because all of that is false. Everything about an individual is false. You can only find yourself in silence, that is you. You have nothing and you must accept it. (and in that nothing, paradoxically, lies abundance)

This ordinary "intelligence" is just dragging you down, puts you in a circle that is very dangerous, because you may never make out of it. The intelligence of an ordinary person is actually just an appearance, an external image, that one tries desperately to maintain to distance oneself from bad past experiences, traumas, insecurities. Also this "intelligence" is nothing more but just beliefs "stole" from what society says it is.

See that you are "flawed", let go, then start enlightening yourself with books, contemplation, meditation, self-honesty, your passion/life purpose. Start discovering, start wanting to change and one day you will find what you actually want... what your true self wants.

Edited July 7, 2018 by student

[meryem]

nah not honest thats your brain manipulating you .

cause deeply you know who you are you know that u r a person who does believing himself not believe in himself cause a person who ia confident and believe in himself does knows the limitta of his mind knowa that his mind can and will play tricks of him by the time ,

you can just look back to ur post and put all the worlds u said u do into. Negative phase , and make a list of it . It is ur to do list : Play again ur mind to get yourself back !