Murk

[Torch]

Day 1 (yesterday)

33 min. of meditation 

16 min. of yoga

[Torch]

For the past 10 days I've either been too lazy or sleepy to do meditation or yoga.

Yesterday, I've been trying to get back on track with my practice and added more techniques to my yoga routine. Also, I've been trying to contemplate my death recently after watching Leo's video on contemplating death and hearing about jed McKenna's memento mori practice. Hopefully it puts things in perspective and motivates me more since motivation is one big thing I'm lacking. 

Edited September 25, 2018 by Torch

[Torch]

For about a week I've been struggling to keep my addictions at bay. I would binge on social media, YouTube, and porn and then struggle to stop myself in neurotic ways. This made me extremely lazy to the point of ignoring my meditation routine and not posting daily here like usual. I have been mostly consistent with my yoga routine except for one day and learning about nonduality and psychology so that's something.

Yesterday:

24 minutes of yoga

[Torch]

Yesterday: Fail, got sucked into my addictions again. I guess I'll use the Sedona method to make myself meditate and do yoga and the creative visualization technique for my addiction.

[Torch]

Due to my addictions, I screwed up the meditation and yoga habit I was trying to build.

I'm gonna try to overcome my addiction once and for all by following Leo's advice and just sit with the emptiness I feel when I do nothing for too long. Also some death contemplation and addiction contemplation might do me some good. 

[Torch]

20 min. of yoga yesterday 

20 to 30 min. of meditation yesterday

 

[Torch]

The day before yesterday: 20 something minutes of yoga.

Yesterday: same thing 

Haven't been consistent with my meditation routine so i should work on that.

[Torch]

Forgot to write in this again.

I've been consistently doing 20 something minutes of kriya yoga on a daily basis since Tuesday but haven't been meditating. I've also been mindful in some of my daily activities, doing visualizations, and a technique from Del pe for my lack of sleep but I've only seen immediate results from the del pe technique so far. Also, I'm probably going to do the visualizations from leo's bad habits video.

[Torch]

Saturday: 20 something minutes of yoga

Sunday: same thing and 4 minutes of shamanic breathing and 12 minutes of meditation

I got my body feeling weird with the shamanic breathing because blood was heating parts of my body up. Eventually I stopped at 4 minutes because I kept hearing a thumping noise behind me. Whenever I stopped the breathing, the thumping would stop so me being paranoid, I quit.

[Torch]

Yesterday: 30 min. meditation 

20 something min. of yoga

My meditation session was full of monkey mind, whether my eyes were closed or open. 

[Torch]

Tuesday-wednesday- I didn't do yoga or meditation on either of these days because of having low energy and motivation.

Thursday- did yoga but no meditation. Almost didn't do yoga because of resistance I was feeling

[Torch]

Welp, I've been consistent with my daily yoga routine so far besides one day of not doing it. Haven't been doing meditation or anything as consistently tho.

[Torch]

During the span between my last post here and this post, I've fallen back into my addictions and vices. Recently, I've unexpectedly been laid off of my seasonal job and if there's one thing that's been bad for my self actualization work, it's having tons of free time. I usually pig out and fall right back into my addictions when I have days off. I've hardly done much self actualization work during this time. Hardly any meditation, yoga, reading, exercising, or disciplining myself. I'm planning on focusing solely on these things for the next 30 days and avoiding the garbage I've been into like twitter and YouTube. If I don't update this at least weekly, I've probably went back to binging on my addictions.

[Torch]

This time I was successful at being at meditating on a daily basis but hardly had any success at much of anything else. Also, I've being trying audios from a YouTube channel called Sapien Medicine but haven't seen any noticeable results. They're some kind of audios that can apparently change the mind and body towards a desired result like overcoming addiction or getting more willpower. I'm gonna have to give it another couple of months to see if they actually work instead of judging prematurely. Either way, I've mostly wasted my time with my habits and I need to quit them cold turkey and live a minimalist and mindful lifestyle if I want any damn results.

 

[Torch]

Lately I've been swinging back and forth on self improving and wasting time on the internet like a phone zombie. I'm either trying to meditate, exercise, journaling, trying sapien medicine, doing visualizations or just spending hours looking at shallow mindless content on YouTube and Twitter. Looking at shit on twitter sets me back because of how little most  people on there care about self improvement and care more about trends, current news and gossip and overused jokes. Youtube has some good channels and videos for self improvement, philosophy, psychology, and enlightenment but it's very easy for me to get sucked into the mindless content on there too. Ofc I'm going to have to go cold turkey on this kind of media for at least a month or two and if I fail I might have to straight up delete my accounts.

Edited December 1, 2018 by Torch

[Torch]

Welp, I've been doing very little of anything productive or involving self improvement for a while now. I went back to my old ways because that's what I'm used to and have been like since as far back as I can remember so ofc I'd eventually go back to my usual completely hedonistic lifestyle. I'll see if there's anything I can do about it but I'm not that optimistic.

[Torch]

I hate whining about my lifestyle and my failure to do productive self development work so I might as well post the actual work I'm doing to pull myself out of my bullshit.

Just now I did 20 minutes of shamanic breathing and just with that I got weird results. My body started shaking at least 5 or 6 times which made me have to stop a little, my vision got dimmer, and afterwards I keep hearing this weird ringing in my ears that's sorta like white noise that I don't usually get. Also, my hands were tingling. 

I've been using two sapien medicine videos (one for addiction and one for clearing the subconscious) for a week or two now and I'm noticing my burning need to be on YouTube and social media all the time going away. I'm gonna give it more time and see if these are definite results from the sapien med videos and if my addictions clear up even more. 

[Torch]

This week I've been somewhat consistent with my meditation and exercise routine although I tend to fall asleep during meditation because of my lack of proper sleep. This irks me because it's so easy to fall asleep during meditation but falling asleep takes a lot of time, up to two or three hours which fucks up my sleep and makes me sleep until noon of the next day which ruins my entire day and productivity. It's infuriating to say the least.

Either way, I've done 20 minutes of the shamanic breathing technique just now and got some of the same results as last time. My hands felt tingly and weird, my vision got dimmer, I was off balance trying to stand up afterwards, I got the same weird ringing in my ears, and I almost started crying towards the end with passionate thoughts of wanting to improve myself and a passionate appreciation of life which isn't all that common for me.