How my mom fucked up my sex life

[Kaity]

It allll began in the late 90's when I got curious about my body and started "exploring" it earlier than kids usually do  

6-7 year olds not being best at hiding shit, I got "caught" by my mom several times. The nicest reaction I remember from her was "If you don't stop doing that you're gonna grow a penis!" The rest of the time she was either yelling at me or not talking to me for weeks. 

These couple of instances were stretching over the years, accompanied by her avoidance of the subject of sex or giving out impression that it was something evil. She was divorced so I never saw/suspected her having sex either. 

So guess what this very mature approach of hers would do to a developing child?! Correct, it would fuck up her sexuality and take a toll on her later in life! 
Here I am, 22 year old who hasn't felt any real sexual desire since the middle school. Somehow all these senses, fantasies and desires faded away over the years and left me completely sterile. 

 Although I'm sexually active, the state of orgasm is completely unimaginable for me and since my current hormonal levels are fine, I assume there should be some mental blocks from these very examples that I mentioned above.

To be honest, I could easily live without sex and I never really cared about it; at least not as a source of a physical pleasure. Yes, I quite enjoy the intimacy and the degree of closeness with other person which is available through sex, but all I'm really trying to achieve is to fully "open up." If you can't do that with the most natural and basic thing there is, how can you expect to be open in other aspects of life? 

Therefore I would like to fix this unnecessary trauma that was gifted to me by my good Christian mama. :* 

Any advice? Similar stories? 

How does one conduct a self-therapy to remove these blocks and resurrect what has been getting killed for over a decade or so? 

Edited July 5, 2018 by Kaity

[aurum]

@Kaity

Google a guy named Jean-Claude Carvill and check out his books. He's a female intimacy coach that helps women get over problems like this.

Also look into Tantra if you're into the spiritual stuff. One of my close female friends is a tantric sex coach for women, and I know she uses tantra practices to clear these kinds of emotional blocks.

It's understandable that you're upset at your mother. Know that your life is your life from this moment on. You have to decide how you're going to play the hand you've been dealt, no matter how shitty it seems.

 

[d0ornokey]

My dad said when he was in 2nd grade, there was a boy in his class that wrote a love poem to a girl. The teacher found it and punished him. 

She beat the living hell out of him (this was in India, where beating your students is legal) 

I can only wonder how this affected his confidence with girls later on. 

 

I said this story just to let you know that we all have our traumas. Some more than others. Accept what you got and do the best you can. Understand you still have amazingly high potentials in life, if you just work for it. 

Forgive those who have hurt you, and become conscious of the fact they knew no better, and if they did, would probably not have done what they did. Sorry if this was too blunt lol. 

Edited July 5, 2018 by d0ornokey

[Gabriel Antonio]

Have you ever experimented with psychedelics? They can certainly open you up to sexuality. 

[Kaity]

@Gabriel Antonio
I've recently tried DMT but with no specific intention, which is why I didn't experience any spiritual growth or revelation. Maybe i'll keep in mind next time

[Gabriel Antonio]

@Kaity Did you do a small dose?

[Kaity]

@Gabriel Antonio

About half a joint. Pretty small amount I guess because I didn't see any visuals unless I closed my eyes. Whereas the person I did it with was seeing plastic papers everywhere. 

[Gabriel Antonio]

@Kaity Maybe you should experiment with a higher dosage. 

 

I agree with @Wasem

36 minutes ago, Wasem said:

You really need the right person, the one who can feel your pain or your state, and then can lead you to the shore. It is not easy to come across this kind of people.

 

[merimo28]

I think that is nothing to hard to solve, maybe good psychotherapist can solve your problem on easy way, worth of trying.

[Sunderland]

Sorry dude. But don't worry, i will be okey