I am suffering.

[The White Belt]

Firstly: I started a relationship about three months ago. I've tried to practice detachment but I either don't know how it it's not working. 

I am constantly bombarded with images of her cheating on me with a guy she's almost always with for work purposes. I work with them both too but not as much. He's a lovely guy, I like him a lot and that's the issue. He's so likeable that I'm jealous and she always speaks very highly of him. I'm super paranoid and jealous but it's all internal. It's just imagination and images but it gets so convincing that I get mad but I never take it out on her at all. 

It makes my stomach turn and I think racist thoughts about him and I don't want to. He's a great dude. 

Secondly: I can't stop judging others. Especially obese people. In my mind I curse them a lot. I judge everyone. I'm a barista and I judge all my customers for having sugary drinks all the time. I judge people for wronging me and I hope for bad karma for them. 

Third: I dream of my dad being utterly selfish because he is. I dream of shouting at him.

I'm full of suffering. I appear to others to be well rounded and spiritual. Put it my mind it's all negative imagery and judgement.

Where do I think it's coming from? I'm under pressure perhaps from a work project (life purpose work not barista work). I'm going to study in a  few months as a mature student and it's been a long time coming. I'm falling in love with my girlfriend and I don't want to lose her. Also moving for university will put a strain on us. I maybe don't feel like I'm doing well in life. 

Currently PD practices:

3x 15 minutes concentrating mantra meditation learned from Om Swami. (Newly introduced)

5 minutes of trataka (still gazing at a candle) 

First thing in the morning Kapalbhati (pranayama 4x25 sharp breaths).

Asking myself throughout the day "am I aware?" Or "what am I doing right now?" Aka mindfulness. 

This is all daily. 

Can you help me to overcome my paranoia, judgements and feelings of inadequacy? 

Do you guys have any advice?

Thank you. 

 

 

[The White Belt]

I forgot to add that I also do yoga 3-4 times a week but this is common yoga (yoga with adrienne) and I have just broken a two day fast yesterday where I only had two fruit smoothies a day so I could be experiencing some backlash from that. 

[molosku]

What your post is really about is the mind having anxiety about itself. Everything you describe as a problem is a problem of the self. What is it? 

The real problem is that you make the functions of the mind to be yourself. The illusory self is then made responsible for the activity of the mind, that the illusory self then judges and gets ashamed from. The mind whips it self as a punishment for what it is. 

It is not you who judges, it's the mind having a thought that gets labeled as judgement. Did you plan having that judgement? Did you plan having feelings of jealousy? No, because you have no free will over that. You cant plan your minds content, and you cant plan on planning on stuff. It's an infinite regress, that sort of proves you have zero control over the content of your mind. 

So. 

The judgements and jealousy are there. Your job as a human being is not to try to not judge or ever be jealous, but to recognize those thoughts as what they are. If you fail to do that, you then derive a sense of self from those thoughts and then act in a negative way in your environment. This how you "kill" the ego, you recognize things for what they are and not what you think they are. 

What you crave is to change your self to match your ideal idea of your self. This is all delusion. Where are your problems located right NOW? Nowhere. They are fetched when the minds wants to fool itself.

The circumstances and essentially your life feeds into the mind, forming the soup from which thoughts arise. No matter how hard it is, you must recognize when you are feeling sad or depressed or anxious and ask yourself: where is this coming from, really. What is here? What is not here? 

Your practises help you to connect with the present moment, and that helps you to recognize what is true and what is there as an illusion. 

Your judgements 100% reveal those parts of yourself that you dont accept, also called the shadow.

You judge customers who buy sugaey drinks, so you have not accepted the part of you thats is/could be fat in your opinion. There is awareness of your weight/looks, but the negative aspect is dealt with judgement of others. 

Try this as an excercise: write down every reocurring judgement you make. You are actually compiling a list of the parts of yourself that you cannot face in yourself. You dont have to become fat in order to integrate that into your awareness, but you need awareness of that part of your shadow. Living a life of everyday fight over the shadows is hell and suffering. 

Research into healing as well. 

But remember: essentially, truely, you are whole and nothing is missing. See trough you mind, dont fight your mind.

Edited July 3, 2018 by molosku

[ajasatya]

@The White Belt you suffer because you still feel lonelly inside. you're afraid of losing her because she's your external source of happiness.

as long as you keep up with external sources of happiness you'll be screwed.

learn to appreciate solitude or be sad forever.

[molosku]

@ajasatya also this, but gf/bf will always be an external source of happiness and thats quite natural and normal. How many people can honestly say their happiness is exactly the same before a partner has come in their life and after they have come. Difference, how ever, is how toxic/non-toxic that happiness is to your internal happiness, like you said. 

[Colin]

@The White Belt I post these affirmations videos a lot on this forum, but I haven't found anything as effective in changing the way I personally think and feel. 
 

Like almost anything in life, it gets really good when you listen on a consistent basis. Listen to it once a week? You won't get much benefit. Listen every day twice a day? You will be amazed at the difference in your thinking and feeling. It is even better if you can avoid negative information such as news, politics, podcasts, song lyrics, etc.

It is almost silly that it could be so simple.

[Guest Quanty]

If you like him, he bypassed the energetic aura of yours into your gut. 

Danger, watch out.