I experienced nothing. What happened to me, and did I miss on enlightenment?

[Bird]

Just out of curiosity I'd like to know if anyone can label or tell me what I experienced a while ago.

TL;DR: Read the bold.

Since I was 8 I questioned death, what it meant, how it'd feel. It wasn't until the teens that I got a sense that I would die. This evolved in the later teens and early twenties into realizing that "existence would end", as I would tell myself. That life would go into an infinite, super fast forward the moment I die.

I went from having episodes of realizing I was gonna die from once every few months, to every week, to almost every night.

Every time I'd get a chilling sensation on the back of my head or spine at the neck, then my whole head, and just REALLY feel I would die. I would just flip in the bed, or scratch the walls if standing, thinking in desperation "no, no, this can't happen, it can't end, oh god, oh god, my body, my life, my memories, all for what? It can't all end". I would be very much aware that me, the earth, the sun, everything would end. I was specially spooked at realizing/feeling that "existence" would end.

Finally one night I had this feeling so deep that I went in this dimension where there was nothing. I felt infinitely, terrifyingly alone. I thought "my parents can't even help me" because there was no one to ask for help. They aren't there, they don't exist in there. There isn't a thing. It's no existence.

After I snapped out of it, I can't remember clearly what went next, since I probably fell asleep shortly after in exhaustion. I do remember though that I pretty much decided that death wasn't a problem I could solve. After 10-20 years of thinking about it and REALLY trying to figure a way to escape death, I gave up. Giving up is not something I used to do at all, ever. Not an option for anything in life until then.

Weeks or months after that, together with teachings and meditation (which were ongoing in the last years of while experiencing this), I started to surrender everything. My entrepreneurial goals from my childhood. Goals in general to live a life. My pride for knowledge and skills. Needing a relationship. Nice to haves at best, but not musts. These were the biggest foundations of my identification with the self and in a matter of months I've dropped the biggest chunks. Once in a while I find a smaller one and I drop it too.

I now accept things don't go my ego's way. I am just observing. I get sucked in once in a while but snap out of it shortly after. Big emotional episodes, like a special other crying helplessly next to me, does not really suck me in. I remain unaffected, but not uncaring. I am present there with love and understanding for what they are going through. I have greater patience. I know things happen for a reason and will continue to do so, and I don't need to get involved emotionally - it's pointless. It's just "the story" as some teachers call it.

From the outside the feedback is that I look way more calm ("on weed" said one person, never tried though so can't compare) and very kind.

My ego dissolves without effort. I sometimes call it the unstoppable force that is bulldozing through my ego, to the few I can speak of this, but can't give me insights about.

I can't label this, but it looks like a kind of dark night of the soul.

I also wondered if because I kind of "shrugged death off", I missed my chance to enlightenment. I just wonder now. I tried to recreate it to "truly face death" and I can't seem to go there anymore.

Deep inside I feel if enlightenment will happen then it will, I am not really seeking it.

But just for fun I wonder: if I knew how to surrender to death, instead of resisting back then, could that have been a gateway to the so much talked about enlightenment?

Edited July 2, 2018 by Bird

[cirkussmile]

Its hard to say anything because it seems like people have different ideas about what enligtenment is. 

A good explanation is the end of suffering. End of searching for happiness and fulfillment. What do you think it is? 

You cant surrender to death. Surrendering happens when it happens. Its completley out of your control.

I loved your post. Contemplation about death is very beautiful and powerful. Thank you for sharing  

[Bend_and_Sway]

It's a good place to be, in my opinion. I'm not confident to give labels, I'm not sure you should need one. You have moved into a new place to experience life from. 

Being able to listen, understand, care, even act but be overall unaffected sounds optimal. 

[Bird]

@cirkussmile @Bend_and_Sway Thank you for reading and sharing your thoughts ☺️