Alternating between heaven and hell

[krazzer]

This has been going on for years now. I'm going from a really blissful state, back to a miserable state. I'll call them heaven and hell.

When I'm in heaven I'm:

• Feeling at peace all the time
• Having no problem eating healthy
• Highly productive
• No problem with talking to anyone
• No fears whatsoever
• Very positive about anything
• Energetic
• Helping others

When I'm in hell I'm:

• Feeling miserable all the time
• Can't resist eating junkfood to feel better
• Can't get much work done
• Socially awkward
• Seeing problems everywhere
• Lethargic
• Watching porn
• Gaming too much

The funny thing is I'm 100% and totally aware in which state I'm in, but I can't escape hell if I want to. Most of the time it just happens in an instant. BOOM, and I'm back in heaven, and all my 'problems' vanish like snow in the sun.

I can't put my finger on what the circumstances are. It has nothing to do with external events. When I'm in heaven even the hardest situations are no trouble at all. In hell the simplest thing can disturb me.

It seems like when I'm heaven, I fall back to hell when I do something stupid like drinking too much, skipping too much sleep, etc. But not always. It feels like at some point I fall back into hell no matter what.  

I have been in heaven once for 7 weeks straight. I want to there all the time. Is this even realistic? I feel like I'm gradually more in heaven than in hell, but it's a slow process. 

[BuddhaTree]

This kind of self-analysis is great. It def helps you get a better understanding of your current state of mind. But aren't you aware of "something" that is aware of both when you are "Highly productive", "no fears", "very positive", etc and at the same time, this very same awareness is aware of "feeling miserable", "Socially awkward", "gaming too much", etc?

 

This awareness is neither positive nor negative. It is not attached to the positive qualities or the negative qualities. Can you notice it? This would free you from heaven and hell (duality).

[Prabhaker]

10 hours ago, krazzer said:

Alternating between heaven and hell

Explore information on bipolar disorder.

[Dodo]

10 hours ago, BuddhaTree said:

This kind of self-analysis is great. It def helps you get a better understanding of your current state of mind. But aren't you aware of "something" that is aware of both when you are "Highly productive", "no fears", "very positive", etc and at the same time, this very same awareness is aware of "feeling miserable", "Socially awkward", "gaming too much", etc?

 

This awareness is neither positive nor negative. It is not attached to the positive qualities or the negative qualities. Can you notice it? This would free you from heaven and hell (duality).

+1 this awareness is all accepting, it is not an involved self, it is not bound by the matrix. 

Help me awareness kenobi, you're my only hope.

[dorg]

12 hours ago, krazzer said:

The funny thing is I'm 100% and totally aware in which state I'm in,

IOW you are aware of what state you is in, but not aware of how you get into them.

12 hours ago, krazzer said:

I can't put my finger on what the circumstances are. It has nothing to do with external events.

If you were very vigilant you would notice that you (awareness, clarity) become a certain state when identified with certain thoughts. IOW you lose your clarity and become limited, ie identified as some-thing, ie, a thought-construct in a thought-construct, a self in an environment (a context). IOW you are now in a state.

The trick is to be aware that you are only playing a part in this make believe context, this state, this world. To always be aware that it is just a play and thus be able to play your part to the hilt. This means you can really enjoy the drama, even when your 'character' is about to have cancer surgery say.

This is what is called 'having the (internal, or external) grin of the Buddha.'

Edited July 2, 2018 by dorg

[luckieluuke]

@krazzer I identify so much with you. I am slightly bipolar and also an introvert. For me when I have energy I usually spend time with people. But there´s another side of me that really really enjoys being alone. Unfortunately, this usually coincides when I have no energy so I cannot spend quality time with myself (reading, meditating, painting, music etc)
Like you I wanted to always have energy. But you are probably more energetic then moste people when you are in heaven? Then of course you will need to have a "comedown" and save up energy until next time. I have tried to just accept this and not let it get me down.
And like everyone here says non duality, meditation is the best way to distance yourself from this physical reality. 
Also do you have any physical illness? stress? Like stomach ache or something. Go see a doctor and see. even a small thing can have great effects.