My sense of self is split.

[Nadosa]

Hey,

since the last therapy session Ive felt kinda worse - it was the first very emotional one for me. For almost a year now, Ive been looking for answers for there being literally two "I's" in me. Let's call them subminds, that's how I was taught to call them by a buddhist teacher. So, there is one submind, thats been active since August last year, which obviously always had been there before, just hidden or not active.

However, it is a submind with a deathwish, which is potentially connected to the divorce of my parents and fights between my mum and brother - I remember I told him several times that I'd kill myself and him (I think), but particularly myself if their fights would continue. This was at the age of around 7-11. I didnt process everything really well. That is the reason why I got OCD after the divorce.

When my brother had kind of a psychotic break last year, my mind went whirlwind and I got severely depersonalized and derealized. That was when everything worse started. Basically I recovered from DPDR, but in August I got this feeling that a part of me didnt want to live anymore and so I dissociated from a complete person and split into a 'good' part and a suicidal part, I am not actively suicidal though.

However, as you know, everyone has a bad and a good part inside, but for me this bad part literally feels like it is me for like 60% when it is active, maybe even 70% and that makes it so hard - if you feel like you are not supposed to be here anymore. It is like a second you growing and evolving inside you that feels really like it is you, if that makes sense...

One trigger is time, like the date or passage of time - I cope with the split of my self by explaining it with irrational thoughts, such as, that I feel like that in August I potentially stopped living and I am not supposed to live anymore, living after the day those submind got active. Another one is that I feel like I broke out of the passage of time in August and live in resistance with time itself. So, I see myself especially triggered when there is anything about dates or so. Then main triggering is everything that is about "me" as a person - job, work, future, children - how is someone able to think about that stuff when there is 50-70% of yourself feeling like you arent supposed to live anymore? (Talking about me)

Thing is, this is not suicidal thoughts, it is rather a complete different "me", like another society or so, like a multiple personality but not that extreme. You know, I know what it is like to deal with anxious and panicky thoughts but this is on another level, occured out of nowhere. It is so difficult to continue like that because you just do not know which part is you

Is this a result of childhood trauma?

I am really in need for help with this. I feel divided, not complete, I dont know how I can still hold on, Ive never wanted to die or to end my life.

What I definitely can feel is the reason why people choose suicide. It is absolutely reasonable.

Edited June 29, 2018 by Nadosa

[How to be wise]

@Nadosa http://thework.com/en

[d0ornokey]

@Nadosa really try out that once. it will help a great deal, trust me

[Elisabeth]

The work might... work  

Also, check out Teal Swan. I link a fragmentation video, and, search for completion process examples

 

[Nahm]

@Nadosa Learned to see yourself failsly, as less than you are, and are blaming it on others, and perpetuating it by ‘running the script’ over & over again. The past has no power, and only you can decide to begin anew. Burn the boats, or suffer. 

On 6/28/2018 at 7:25 PM, Nadosa said:

However, as you know, everyone has a bad and a good part inside

Actually, I know you are Love, choosing negative thoughts. You could be seeing the growth, learning. Don’t continue with identifying with your thoughts, that’s the basis of your suffering. Don’t repeat that loop, not even once more. 

Channel your energy to you health, exercise, healthy eating, practices. Well being is there and it’s not coming to you. You must drop all these stories, and bring well being into your life. You can do this. 

On 6/28/2018 at 7:25 PM, Nadosa said:

It is like a second you growing and evolving inside you that feels really like it is you, if that makes sense...

No. It feels like shit, and it does not make sense. Stop trying to make it make sense. See that it doesn’t feel good, and is not true. Its’ just lazy thinking. Unpracticed. Undisciplined mind. Do not perpetuate your conditioning, free yourself dof it. 

 

On 6/28/2018 at 7:25 PM, Nadosa said:

I cope with the split of my self by explaining it with irrational thoughts,

Is it not obvious to you when you read that sentence? You have no issue with time, you are just thinking negative about yourself, and because you keep doing that, your vision for your future is cut from the same clothe. Look for decades if you want, or take responsibility for your own thinking which is causing you all this suffering. Sit down in silence for as long as it takes. Awareness will process, you just need to sit for as long as it takes. Could be days, but that is far better than this current state of falsity for the rest of your life. If you do this, what you’ll encounter, is the pain of having taken infinite love & liht, which you are, and shitting on it with your perspective. Sit and don’t be afraid. You can not afford to keep running. Obviously you want to be happy. You just haven’t seen that your own chosen perspective and thinking is robbing you of this. 

To keep looking for something from mom, brother, neighbor, guru, teacher, etc...is procrastination, distraction. Don’t be fooled anymore. What you seek is seeking you. It’s right there ‘in your heart’. Stop looking outside for relief. Look within. Be brave Nadosa. You have eternity to reside in the nothing, this though, this is the gift of a lifetime, the most unfathomable adventure. You can have the life you want, and you can have the hero’s journey. Evidenced by that you are. 

[Nahm]

A simple little exercise to get you focused in truth...measure the thought. You can notice how long you think a thought, you can notice the severity, emotional depth, the number of occurrences of a particular thought, you can measure thoughts by those that extend to the brain wth tension, or those that extend to the body with anxiety & discomfort. 

Try to measure your love though. You’ll see that it is immeasurable, whole, complete, infinite. What you are can not be measured. 

Social human love - sounds like your life hasn’t been so generous with this. But this is a gift. You are lucky for this. Start allowing the real response, the Love that is not social, human, relative. 

[S33K3R]

I can relate to this. I have recently realized that I have obsessive thoughts that cloud my mental clarity so I have been refusing to engage in obsessive thoughts beyond 5 minutes or so. I notice the intensity of various thoughts and emotions have become almost nothing now. 

I too have difficulty with time passing. It seems to make me very anxious. I have to track everything in order to feel grounded. I keep track of everything important to me which gives my mind space to just not worry so much. I even track how much food I have left of a meal because in the past I obsessed about everything from shopping for food to cooking and cleaning. I realized after thinking about this obsessive thought tendency that certain fears were the reason for my issue with time passing. Because of this organization I have started to genuinely enjoy cooking now. 

[Nadosa]

7 hours ago, Nahm said:

A simple little exercise to get you focused in truth...measure the thought. You can notice how long you think a thought, you can notice the severity, emotional depth, the number of occurrences of a particular thought, you can measure thoughts by those that extend to the brain wth tension, or those that extend to the body with anxiety & discomfort. 

Try to measure your love though. You’ll see that it is immeasurable, whole, complete, infinite. What you are can not be measured. 

Social human love - sounds like your life hasn’t been so generous with this. But this is a gift. You are lucky for this. Start allowing the real response, the Love that is not social, human, relative. 

I know that I am love. I know I am living a dream and even the reality is a dream - I am the dream. But I am still caught up in the ego so badly, that it genuinely feels like that after my ego-death - experiences proven that I am not existing, or cant exist - that I just will never be fine with the fact that I still am, even though I do not exist. If you awaken, you either choose to play the game or you just go and I seriously dont know what to choose. 

Edited July 3, 2018 by Nadosa

[S33K3R]

Have you ever considered what your reason for being here is? For example... I chose to incarnate here because I am testing myself to grow from many emotional problems caused by damaging relationships. I have always had this moralistic view about everything. I assume this is because I came here with a code to always be a light shining in a sea of darkness. I don't know if I help anyone as I am nobody special in any way. But I do know this is my life purpose based on my spiritual drive when I look back at my early childhood. 

That reason right there is my purpose and I don't waver in my intentions here any longer now that I have clearly identified my life purpose. The rest of my time is playing with consciousness and learning about the world around me with a childlike curiosity. 

[Nadosa]

I dont know why I am here. Everything connected to a purpose is attached to a form of identity. It is impossible for me at the moment.