INSANE ego backlash... almost comical in magnitude

[RendHeaven]

Hey guys, forum noob here just wanted to post about my experience in the last week I kind of need somewhere to vent. I'm an 18 year old male just graduated highschool going to college next year. I'm on summer break and don't really have anything to do although I'm currently looking for an easy summer job for a little pocket cash. That being said, when summer began I thought this would be the perfect time to buckle down on real self actualization work. If I'm honest with myself I would admit that I'm on the verge of being a zen-devil (or inverse zen-devil?). I know so much of the theory, I've watched almost all of Leo's videos and understand them (at least I believe I do, intellectually lmao while being aware that you cannot have an intellectual grasp on reality). Despite this I rarely ever sit down and do nothing, I try to meditate every day but during the school days I would always end up falling asleep around the 10 minute mark and I would hate myself the next morning haha.

So. It's summer, time to get it, right? Well it actually started out great... so great, in fact, I have so much free time that doing nothing is almost inevitable. In light of this nothingness, also, arises the inevitable feeling of boredom, the need to distract that the ego needs to survive. My first few weeks of the summer I faced these head on, recognizing these obstacles for what they are. I got my first real meditation sessions in, and also did some shamanic breathing (as described by leo) and it truly works. I wouldn't say I got any enlightenment experience, I'm way beneath that right now but it definitely altered my state of awareness and I considered that a huge success. I'm also really into athletics so I train every day to get physically stronger, I've also had a habit of eating clean for years.

About a week ago, however this all changed... suddenly, for no reason, I found myself regressing harder than I've ever regressed in my entire life. I started playing video games (I haven't touched them in years) wacking off to porn (haven't done that in months) and eating cookies and ice cream (haven't done that in months) while neglecting all physical exercise. I also stopped meditation and my awareness consciousness went through the floor. Everything went 180 so fast and I don't know how to explain it to myself. While doing this, I (rather miraculously, honestly, because wtf) somehow actually managed to convince myself that everything was fine "just a little videogames don't hurt," "hey you haven't watched porn in a while look at these tits, yum" and before I knew it, I was actually playing video games for 10 hours a day. Yes. TEN HOURS.

This spree lasted for about a week. I can tell I'm coming off of it although I'm not anywhere near as conscious right now as I was before my regression. Thank god it was just a phase, I feel so dirty and weak right now even though I didn't have these feelings while the splurge itself took place. This kind of stuff is stuff I'm not comfortable telling my friends and family but I wanted it to be written down somewhere for feedback or even just support/feeling of relatability. If you guys have similar experiences, please share them here.

I am back on the path again, at least for now. Now I know not to underestimate the ego (though I'm actually expecting to learn this lesson the hard way again sometime down the road). I'm off to eat a salad and go for a run. Thanks for reading guys

[Viking]

yeah, relatable indeed lmao, but in your situation I think it was caused by getting out of the daily routine of school days.

[ChimpBrain]

I go through these peaks and valleys constantly man.  It's not just you.  My weakness is podcasts.

[Nahm]

@RendHeaven I can relate. I went through a dynamic roller coaster a while back with sugar & poor diet, call of duty, terrible sleep durations, etc (major backlash without the luxury of knowing what backlash was). I tried a lot of things. What ended up “working” like a charm was some form of exercise followed by meditation first thing in the morning. I read that we wake up (disclaimer; with a proper night’s sleep) with 100% will power, and “spend” it through the day, which is why most people drink, do drugs, overeat etc... at night. I needed to get up for work around 7, but I got up at 4am everyday to do those practices. Never went back.   It sounds to me like you’re aware of this already, and that is enough. That and a little patience. I think you got this man. 

On 6/28/2018 at 2:51 PM, RendHeaven said:

I'm way beneath that right now

 

On 6/28/2018 at 2:51 PM, RendHeaven said:

hate myself the next morning

 

On 6/28/2018 at 2:51 PM, RendHeaven said:

inevitable

 

On 6/28/2018 at 2:51 PM, RendHeaven said:

somehow actually managed to convince myself that everything was fine

 

On 6/28/2018 at 2:51 PM, RendHeaven said:

at least for now

 

On 6/28/2018 at 2:51 PM, RendHeaven said:

I'm actually expecting to learn this lesson the hard way again sometime down the road

Not trying to be a hypocritical ball buster but I’m over twice your age and if I have a glimpse of what’s down the road for you it’s how inner self talk matters a lot. Read some NLP info online if interested for some exposure, Loa (Hicks) is useful for this too.  That inner talk is steering the ship man. It’s like the real steering wheel in the basement, while you’re holding the steering wheel on the first floor (the one not attached to anything so to speak) You can do major consciousness work and awaken a more direct awareness to this, or be diligent and vigilant with it now and just reap the benefits. I’m hoping to save you some time & headaches. Godspeed man, keep kickin ass. 

You’re not beneath a damn thing. No one is better or worse than you. You are perfect no matter what you do. Thinking you’re not is just adding more “work” to undo. You are perfect simply because you are. You don’t have to beat up on yourself to get motivated. Life is much easier if you don’t. 

[GabrielWallace]

@RendHeaven A few days ago I had an experience like this myself, which I almost posted about. I think the common factor in both of our cases is that we didn't negotiate with our egos very well - Leo talks about this, I think in his video on backsliding but also I believe in his video on how to be a strategic motherfucker.

For me, the issue was that I told myself that I would go seven weeks straight where all I would do would be to work on setting up my own online business, and I'd watch zero porn, indulge in zero UFC (which I enjoy watching), go carb free, and every day I'd meditate, do yoga (Kriya yoga) and work out. My plan was that after the seven weeks I would have a 3-day break on work and binge on the stuff I'd been missing, while still doing the meditation and yoga...

I actually went five weeks like this! But I just hit a wall where all I was super stressed about files being deleted and technical issues and all I could think of was sex, sex, sex... My productivity was suffering badly for a couple of days. So I decided to take a half-binge early... I basically took a day and a half off, and it didn't feel good, because it took me probably a day after that to recover and get back into the work. And really, if I'd negotiated with my ego a little better, I'd have avoided the complete burnout I felt that lead to the binge.

The parallel I'm trying to draw with your situation is that you went from barely being able to meditate or do self-actualizing work, straight to doing it full-time, and yes, you had a massive ego backlash. These changes can't be forced all at once. Your ego will react. The ego has to be treated like the frog you want to boil and eat - you can't throw it in boiling water and expect it not to jump out; you have to place it in lukewarm water first, and ever so slowly heat it up until it dies without resistance.

The frog is the ego.

I know it's frustrating and we want to slay everything all at once and become enlightened or leap to the next stage, but we've both experienced what happens when we try to rush it. And we're not alone.

Keep strategizing! 

[Guest Quanty]

No matter what your addictions are, or your time spent during the day. Listen to breath while doing all that, all will make sense after practice  

[Hansu]

Hey, i got a question that dont really deserve its own thread, but its regarding ego backlash

So, im weeding out bad habits and inhibiting new good ones into my life, trying to baby step it but my problem is that every time i get a feeling of success regarding my new course of life, i get immediat ego backlash with gaming, trash eating, porn and browsing.

They can be very minor successes, like noticing that i have lost 1kg of fat, or i have done great deal of my school research project, or that i have meditated 20 minutes every day for a week.

Have i conditioned myself to seek low consciousness activities each time i get even the smallest of success?

 

Thanks!

[tsuki]

@RendHeaven I will answer with a metaphor and hopefully, you will get a feeling about what an ego backlash is.

Imagine that you want to learn to play chess, but you are not allowed to talk with your teacher.
You sit next to a chessboard and try some moves, but the teacher starts to move your pieces back where they belong and show you where they fit.
Now, over time you will explore enough moves with him so that you start to get the general feeling of the game and the rules govern it.
Now, the teacher intervenes less and less and you actually stop getting this friction between the two of you and you enjoy the game.

Now, imagine that during this orderly game between the two of you, you suddenly get an interesting idea so that you can perhaps establish a new rule by yourself and do something out of the ordinary. Would your teacher let you do that? No, he would put your pieces back where they belong and give you a disappointed look. In this situation you can get angry at your teacher for being dumb, but the fact is, that he simply keeps being a teacher because he thinks that it is his role. 

Depending on what you may do, your teacher may get very upset with you. Imagine, if instead of trying to put a piece in a invalid location, you threw it at him. Would he even comprehend that it is still a game you are playing, or would he think that you've lost your shit? It doesn't matter what is the rule you're trying to establish in this case. You're being too sudden. The change has to be gradual and only AFTER the teacher is open enough to see that you can swap the roles.

This is the ego backlash. The Ego has been your teacher your whole life and you're now trying to take the steering wheel.
Ego does not greedily cling to the steering wheel. It simply doesn't understand what is happening if the change is too sudden.
It thinks that your life is going off the course and brings it back where it belongs.

The real surprise here is the fact that you yourself are the teacher, but that will be apparent only when you become enlightened.
Try being more gentle with yourself, so that Ego understands that you're trying to change the rules.