An example of my daily mental journeys.

[BMoss]

Edit: Hello, people. I thought it would be inappropriate to post something long without an introduction. I'm BMOss, a relatively new member, currently lost and stuck. My main question here is "how do you start to improve your life?" Because currently I am so confused and at odds with myself I can't bring myself to do it. What follows is the train of thought that led me to this question. Thank you for reading, even if only up to this point. Thank you for your feedback, and thank you Leo and the moderators team, and the userbase for keeping this place alive. Thank you, have a good day.

I didn’t know much about personal development (aka “self-help”) until about three years ago when I looked up material on self-esteem. In fact at that point I was at an all-time psychological low, but for the first time I had figured out at least part of my problems. Psychologist Jordan B. Peterson, whom I discovered later, and to some extent veteran consultant Jocko Willink spoke more about self-respect. After self-esteem and self-respect, I read about other aspects of psychology but also a little of philosophy, politics and religion.

 

And while the new found knowledge appeased me (who would have thought I was creating my own issues?!) it only partially diminished my fears and self-loathing, and it certainly created new fears. For instance, I’m very resistant to the idea of change, main argument being that if “I” grow, I’m only benefitting the “me” from the future while replacing current “me”. Granted Leo made a pretty good point about “level two people coming against level eight problems, discovering they need more growth, strength and willpower to bust through”. I also am lucky enough to have successful people in my family (and they own most of their success to voluntary growth, hard work and discipline, and mental fortitude). However I don’t deliberately “surround myself with successful people” for reasons I’ll discuss right now.

 

Putting aside the fact that I’m lonely, bitter, misanthropic and don’t have most of the things Jordan Peterson said a healthy human needs (no friends, no job, no intimate relationship, no real hobby, no schedule, no life purpose and personal values I’m constantly questioning).

*Let’s assume that to live a full and exciting life a man (broadly, I’m also including women in there) must accept responsibility, believe in himself and that there’s good in the world, and then act out the leap of faith by voluntarily shouldering the burden of existence. This means to look for meaning, for purpose, while accepting that life is fundamentally suffering, and that tragedy is unavoidable.

*Ideally (but that’s the end game), this man will also work on increasing his consciousness to the point that he becomes enlightened, understands concepts like non-duality, becomes one with his inner self and surrenders agency to live a life of bliss and unconditional love.

 

Here’s my problem, or the first thing that comes to mind as of late: this is so unbelievably stupid. Emotions don’t matter that much. Or if they do, if a lack of sustainable, genuine daily positive emotion is all it takes to push some men and women “to the dark side” then that show how weak we are. The second reason this is stupid is because it is naïve. Since life is fundamentally unfair, to just accept it and look for meaning in spite of it is to agree to play a rigged game. Your bubble of happiness is a placebo effect, it’s no different from someone who takes psychedelic drugs daily to cut connections with reality.

 

But here’s the second thing that comes to mind, and likely it’s another side of me speaking. Humans needs purpose because they are weak. And like Peterson said humans need a reason to move forward. If there is none, there is no reason to move forward. Also: to refuse to “play the meta game”/to live life just because the world is perceived as unfair makes me no different from radical social justice ideologues. From people who only complain, but when asked for what alternatives they want to offer have no clear idea, or one that is impossible to bring into reality without oppressing billions. I’m lucid enough to know I can not bully reality into giving me perks, and even if I extorted my next door neighbour, it would never protect me from getting cancer, erase my limiting beliefs or prevent me from getting older. In short we need all this complex apparatus of things in place in our lives (friends, a job, engrossing hobbies, schedules, life purpose, possibly even intimate relationships, values we honor) because otherwise we would see no meaning. We would not move forward. We could not tolerate life. Peterson had this idea that to live the ultimate life is to make the ultimate sacrifice. This means a) to picture a vivid image of reality as tragic and dangerous and chaotic and unfair as it could possibly be b) to conceptualize a counterweight, to figure out reasons to fight so that in spite of life being all that nasty stuff it was still worth it in the end. c) “To get out in the unknown and live forthrightly in the world” in spite of any limitation, obstacle, hazard, unfairness, etc… This is how many conceptualize heroes – people who “struggle with all their being against the tragedy of life”, people who are “a light rather than a blight”.

 

However this way of living is incredibly hard. It requires a lot of humility. It requires a lot of courage. It requires to take responsibility at least for one’s own thoughts, actions, circumstances and wishes. It requires a commitment to learning and the acceptance of vulnerability, and the inability to ever study everything or achieve any “ultimate” knowledge. It requires a radically open mind.

All of the above entails at least some level of personal exploration, both inner and outer. However most people, me included, are very much scared of this introspection. It usually involves accepting you could be willing to do some very nasty actions, take a very dark road.  I’m afraid that I could never “go back” if I imagine the circumstances under which I’d be willing to. I like to think of myself as good, or at least good enough, but here are many wise men telling me I’m just naïve. Naïve isn’t “good”…

 

In any case, my biggest question remains whether this is all worth it. I’m past the point where I won’t do it just because 99% of humanity won’t. However I’m left with some very deep questions that I absolutely must formulate:

-          If ultimately all this gives me is positive emotion, is it still worth it?

-          If ultimately all it gives me is happiness, is it still worth it?

-          If ultimately all it gives me some Truth I am uncomfortable with, namely the realization that I’m Ether, that I’m nothing, that it doesn’t even matter that I ever existed, is it still worth it?

At this moment it’s not just about me. On one hand I could be looking for self-improvement and help out the community by “playing the best game I can”. Like Leo said it’s selfish behaviour that is ultimately unselfish. On the other hand I could keep slapping myself for even contemplating quitting college until I find a field I’m a little interested in, and honor the sacrifices my parents and grandparents, and…  made my becoming a high status man. Quantitatively, won’t it be more beneficial to the world? Won’t it change the world for the better? You could make the argument that “I am the world” and all that matters if whether I’m happy. But it doesn’t sit right with me. Because I think I’m not worth it. I still think I’m not worth it. I still have the issues I had three years ago when I started to read about personal development. Bceause nothing changed much in the last three years, I just gained a little more awareness. But if I can’t find happiness even within the confines of my cage, how do you expect me to find it elsewhere, where it’s so vast? I’m too afraid to commit 100% to exploration because I’m afraid I might be just wasting my life. If all there is to life is positive emotion, I could get it through drugs or through videogames. I could even try to mindfuck myself into thinking that the world is beauty to be sitting at a bench in bliss, like the author of “the Power of Now” (scratch that, I know his circumstances were exceptional, and that it usually takes a journey to arrive to that point). But you see the idea. If a lifetime of wandering is what is takes to come back to point zero and “realize” that life is life and the world is love, how detrimental is it to “the physical world”, to society? What would I have accomplished? Raised a family? Founded a business? 1% of them would undertake the journey and live a ultimately meaningful life. Should I not care whether they do? Is it even ethical? Isn’t it more socially and religiously acceptable to encourage people to do better and wish they do?

 

I’m confused.

 

Many said that to start at least “baby stepping” problem solving one needs to know where he is and where he’s heading to. A ship needs a course. Well, I don’t know either!

I still haven’t strategized as Leo advised, I still haven’t meditated because I’m constantly questioning it’s utility and benefits; I still haven’t introspected. Peterson’s Self Authoring program is collecting dust on my shelf even though I bought it last Christmas. “Twelve Rules for Life” had me think for a week but I scarcely remember any of it.

All I faintly know is that Big Five wise I’m very neurotic, very un conscientious, very introverted, moderately agreeable and with a low-ish open-ness to new experience.

All I faintly know reality-wise is that at twenty four I’m entering second year of college and am very un-interested in my combined English-Japanese course. I also know that I’m in college to appease my parents and myself, and play/pretend I am a college student. And to not have to work. That I could not bear. At least right now, and the reason is basically the same “why bother?”

All I faintly know as far as the destination is concerned is that I’ll be more comfortable with a “safe” job, but one where I could speak in different languages (I speak four) and (a very “millennial” thing to say) make an impact. Call me a neurotic idiot, but I get the feeling I must be contributing to the betterment of society, at least somehow. Now, my problem is that I hate society 99% of the time, or at least some aspects of society. And I’m constantly making excuses to not take any sides, to not fight for anything, to not serve anyone, even myself.

So, where am I now? In Hell. No. That would be too big of a world. I’m in a ditch. A spoiled brat in a ditch. A smart brat who won’t get out even though the ladder is here.

So, where do I want to head? Correction, where do I think Iwant to head? I don’t know.

Will this ever get published? Perhaps! I thought I’d ask you guys question, but by end of this diatribe the first words that pop up in my mind are “I’m doing this for myself” and the second words “why would I bother people with this?”.

But heck, what do I have to lose. If this gets deleted, I still have it on my hard drive. If someone gets anything valuable out of this, good for them. If by any chance a good Samaritan helps me with a little piece of advice, I’ll be thankful. But I’m not asking for attention. No, wait, I am. I want to know what you guys think of this, how do you guys cope.

 

And please don’t delete this the second you see this, Mister or Miss Moderator. I respect you and your job and I know the site rules. I don’t mean any harm, I just wanted to share my thoughts. That is all.

[BMoss]

Post #2. I just checked this, heart pounding. It still amazes me how much I'm afraid of judgement and criticism. Maybe I should at least start by learning to accept my own judgement and criticism on me Have a good day everybody