I seriously go insane if I dont do a step towards working life

[Nadosa]

It is just pure mess, trauma processing, depression vs. finding a job THAT I LIKE vs. my parents, especially mum's pressure (money from the state, child allowance...).

It is just that I cant find anything interesting enough in order to really have the passion to pursue it. And I am forced to do something if I dont do anything or do not find anything this year. I see it coming, my mum will kick me out, and I am left blaming myself, cant go to the therapist anymore and I am ready to suicide, because I cant find any meaning in living a normal life. I. Just. Cannot. It is a blockage in my damn mind.

And I am really in need and pressured to find something in 2018 or my mum will go insane. I am 19, graduated last year, my brother is unemployed, that is why he got kicked out this year by my mum.

But I just dont know, I always thought I would study, I could and theoretically, I'd be able to, but I am in a bad state mentally, that I dont trust myself enough to go through with it. So, I can only hope for an interesting apprenticeship, but there are only so boring jobs, where I get depressed only by reading through them.

What I do like is media designer, but it is seems like it is too late to apply for something like that in 2018 (I tried several times...) PLUS that is something everyone in my age wants to do.

You cannot talk with my mum, she will justify this and that and everything with my brother's failure, SO I CANT tell her that I AM NOT in a good state of making these choices NOW. But it will just bounce back from her ego-shield of telling me "that I am not her son and why I do that to her" and "I dont want to see you loafing here in the next month" or "You will do something, no matter what, if it was dishwasher, I DONT CARE!". Shit, I DONT WANT TO DO THAT, it is JUST MY BRAIN AT THE MOMENT.

BOAH. I AM SO OVERWHELMED BY THOSE CHOICES, IT IS KILLING ME.

Edited June 27, 2018 by Nadosa

[zoey101]

Man, becoming an adult can be really scary  But you have to take it one step at a time. 

You said you like to do Graphic Design so stick with that. There are plenty of things on youtube and online in general that can teach you EVERYTHING you would have learned in school, but for free. You can always sign up for school when the next opportunity comes, but what are you going to do about your dream NOW? You don't need anything but access to the internet now to learn anything you want. Shit, they even have videos teaching you how to perform surgery (please don't do it without a degree though lol)

As far as the job front, you need to understand that unless you are born into your "dream industry", or filthy rich, you are going to have a few jobs you don't like. But it is all about perspective. Don't think of this job as the end of it all that you are settling for. Use this job to fund your dream. Graphic programs and equipment aren't cheap, so you get a job that will maintain your bills and fund your dream, and just learn whatever skills you can from it. It's all part of the process of growing up. 

I have known what I wanted to do since I was a little girl, sing. I spent my whole life practicing and learning as much as possible to get into Julliard (Top school for musicians in America). I did my audition and all the paperwork, but was not accepted. It devastated me completely because I didn't have a plan B. There was no need for one in my mind because I only had one goal. I found myself kind of just going through the motions and feeling just over everything. It was really hard to get out of. 

But now that I am a little older (24) and able to look back on it all with a better perspective, I am happy I didn't get accepted to that school, in a way. It doesn't take a college degree to be a singer. It doesn't take a college degree to do a lot of things. So I think of it as time and money saved.

The jobs I have had over the years:

• Retail Clothing Store Associate (my first and worst job of my entire life)
• Pretzel Stand 
• Warehouse
• Multiple Restaurants
• and now Receptionist for a Law Firm

None of these jobs fall under my "Dream Job" category, but they all gave me unique experiences that I believe had made me stronger and given me connections that I am happy to have. There are unique skills required in each job, but they all taught me valuable lessons that I do believe I can use towards my dream.

You have to focus on perspective. I know depression can be crippling. I went through the hardest version of it (Postpartum) and I made it through with no therapy or anything like that. It was ultimately all ME. I had to make the decision to not let any of these "set backs" stop me. I had to decide that anything I face in life, I will take in as an opportunity to learn and grow.

Get that minimum wage, low level job and start learning! Save your money and work on getting what you need for your dream, little by little. DON'T STRESS IT!!! The average human lives to be almost 80-90 now! You are no where near the half way point, so just enjoy your youth. Get a bunch of odd jobs to build some character and just have fun with it all. 

This is a quote from a silly show, but I think it really is relevant:

"It get's easier if you do it everyday. But you have to do it everyday, that's the hard part" 

-BoJack Horseman Show (lol)

I apologize for the long post, but I feel like I relate to this so much. You can do this @Nadosa , it's going to be hard, but if you keep it up and work on your perspective, I PROMISE it will be worth it in the end. 

I am here for you any time if you need someone to talk to. I will be praying for you!

[martin_malin]

@zoey101 Very nice post! 
@Nadosa  Watch this!
 

 

[zoey101]

@martin_malin Thank you  To be honest, I got a little teary eyed while typing it because it's everything I wish I could tell 18 year old me.

Depression takes up so much time that could be used for gaining experiences. I still struggle with it from time to time. I find myself stuck in my bed for a whole day sometimes. That's why it has to be a constant battle. The world is designed to test us and bring us down. If we are unable to handle it, we are devoured by it. We have to enjoy every part of it. Even the heartbreaks and pain, because ultimately, you can't become something great without knowing and understanding ALL parts of the human experience. 

[Light Lover]

@Nadosa I was going to post but @zoey101 pretty much said what I was going to say, I would give the same advice as well.

[Jamie Universe]

"I seriously go insane if I dont do a step towards working life"

I remember feeling that, I feel so bad for you that's the worse. And what @zoey101 said is your solution. For me it pretty much ended when I started daily meditation and got unaddicted to video games.

 

I've felt and thought almost the same thing with my mom 1-2 years ago (except with a different context), if it were me I would think of your skills, anything you think you might be interested in, and then maybe get a part time job or some job that's not time consuming. And manage to aim towards a living arrangement where your mom isn't barking at you, and you have free time to work and think about what you actually want to do, also time to work on yourself, and etc. If your at all like me, you probably need alone time to think. 

On ‎6‎/‎27‎/‎2018 at 0:37 PM, Nadosa said:

You cannot talk with my mum, she will justify this and that and everything with my brother's failure, SO I CANT tell her that I AM NOT in a good state of making these choices NOW. But it will just bounce back from her ego-shield of telling me "that I am not her son and why I do that to her" and "I dont want to see you loafing here in the next month" or "You will do something, no matter what, if it was dishwasher, I DONT CARE!". Shit, I DONT WANT TO DO THAT, it is JUST MY BRAIN AT THE MOMENT.