Posted July 16, 2021 (edited) The first few hours of my day were shit. But then I brought it back temporarily after going for a run, I had a good mindset afterwards. But again it changed after ate fried eggs with toast. Simply eating that meal made me sluggish. Whenever I eat anything I become sluggish. This just highlights to me that something is weird about when I eat food sometimes. I think eggs don't suit me? That sucks balls if it's true. For breakfast I'll eat Avocado without egg. Then day after Avocado with boiled egg in morning. See the difference. Now I am forced to make better decisions when eating and take responsibilities for my health. I'll continue reading that mercury detox manual, super easy to read and see what you need to do. I'll have to figure out which meals make me sluggish and which don't. -- More importantly I realised something else though after my run. I realised how disconnected I am from material reality and the body. More importantly though, I'm disconnected from nature and survival. Shielded in a technology bubble from nature's logic, forgetting what's always remained the case. Life is a struggle for survival. 24/7 you are making decisions of some kind. After my run, I was just sitting on the grass thinking "maybe I can ignore concepts" and just look for truth. But I realised that's false, because concepts are needed to self actualise, achieve goals in the world. I cannot ignore this aspect of reality. My goals aren't enlightenment or radical truth. My goal is shadow work, self actualisation and life purpose. Because I cannot ignore concepts, I have to outsmart the obstacles in front of me in a sense. I have to press the right keys. Make the right choices and have discipline. I really did forget about what the bottom line is. The bottom line is, you either do something or you don't. Untill I develop that capacity, all is naught -- Making time for self reflection and faggy ramblings is important. I like to faggy ramble all the time, it's wonderful. But that can't be the only thing you do. When you wake up tomorrow, go for a short run straight away. Eat Avocado, and maybe a few pieces of fruit later in day. Banana and Oranges, no apples. Apples are dehydrating and sugary. Drink sencha tea at the same time. After your run and food, you'll potentially be low on energy and sluggish. Yeah, don't go out with your siblings tomorrow. It would be fun... But it might distract you from work. Fuck fuck fuck doing this uni work man. My troubleshooting is landing me at this conclusion right now. In order to progress in this book I'm reading, it's looking like I'll have to research and then synthesise about 5 different conceptual threads. Not easy at all. Special relativity is only one of those threads, and I barely grasp that shit and it's shitty notation. I'll have to become a data machine to whatever extent I can, looking at multiple sources and synthesising what I can. It's complete bullshit how I got such little guidance and was told to jump to this anyway. But have faith. You can do this. Power through it nîgger. ALRIGHT FUCK IT, YOU FIGURED OUT WHAT YOU NEED TO DO FIRST. YOU GOTTA READ ALL OF ELECTROMAGNETISM NIGGA. YEP, ALL OF IT. GO THROUGH THAT ENTIRE MODULE WHICH YOU GOT LUCKY IN. BRIEF VECTOR CALCULUS RECAP AND THEN GO TO EM AND THEN AFTER THAT DO SPECIAL RELATIVITY, AND THEORETICAL PARTICLE PHYSICS. LINEAR ALGEBRA SHIT YOU HAVE TO MASTER ON THE SIDE. BUT THEN EVEN WITH THAT, YOU HAVE TO GO BACK TO HAMILTONIAN, CONSTRAINTS, THEN TOTAL HAMILTONIAN, EXTENDED HAMILTONIAN, THEN GENERATING FUNCTIONS. ^^SIFTING THROUGH SYMMETRY AND ACTION PRINCIPLES MODULE FOR THAT, + BRIEF SKIMMING OF CALC OF VARIATIONS YOU HAVE TO SYNTHESISE ALL OF THAT. THEN AND ONLY THEN WILL YOU BE ABLE TO OVERCOME THIS HURDLE, AND THE ONE WHICH WILL FOLLOW IT AT THE END. AND WHEN I'M DONE I'LL PISS ON EINSTEIN'S GRAVE, FUCK PHYSICS. BUT I HAVE BEEF WITH THAT AUTISTIC nig*** DIRAC FIRST, Alright. Calm it boy. I WON'T CALM IT, NOT UNTILL I SHIT ON DIRAC'S TOMBSTONE. ONLY THEN CAN I BE AT PEACE Do your mandatory report diary entries tomorrow as well. Relax, ask for help from who you can. When you're awake tomorrow, if you can get your brain activated from anxiety, but control and calm it enough, you can be a machine who does it. Alright, do your work after running and eating breakfast tomorrow. Time for me to do my back exercises and stretches before sleeping. Edited July 16, 2021 by lmfao Hark ye yet again — the little lower layer. All visible objects, man, are but as pasteboard masks. But in each event — in the living act, the undoubted deed — there, some unknown but still reasoning thing puts forth the mouldings of its features from behind the unreasoning mask. If man will strike, strike through the mask! How can the prisoner reach outside except by thrusting through the wall? To me, the white whale is that wall, shoved near to me. Sometimes I think there's naught beyond. But 'tis enough. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted July 21, 2021 (edited) Tuesday 20/07/2021 +1 01:26 I was going to write a reflection with the thought "What is a decision or choice?" but now I don't want to. Is it that I tell myself to do things which I should do but I don't do? I could tell myself the phrase "direct consciousness" - Surrender the narrative of surrender, for example. Jumping the gun, jumping the gun..Jumping the gun. That's what the thinking becomes. There's an idea of strange loops that you go fully in one direction and the end up on the opposite side. I like the metaphor, but I wonder whether it's even true. Right now it seems like abstraction All those times ago you used to listen to someone like Krishnamurti ask or preach "Is there a methodless way to enlightenment and truth?". Meditation seems to work, and that's a method no? -You overeached with Krishna probably Edited July 21, 2021 by lmfao Hark ye yet again — the little lower layer. All visible objects, man, are but as pasteboard masks. But in each event — in the living act, the undoubted deed — there, some unknown but still reasoning thing puts forth the mouldings of its features from behind the unreasoning mask. If man will strike, strike through the mask! How can the prisoner reach outside except by thrusting through the wall? To me, the white whale is that wall, shoved near to me. Sometimes I think there's naught beyond. But 'tis enough. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted July 22, 2021 There is absolutely no reason, no imperative that someone ought to get enlightened. Life is life. It sounds fatalistic or somewhat depressing to just say "life is life". I don't have much fun in life right now. Maybe I need a recontextualisation of the challenges in front of me. And a recontextualisation of life generally. I finished meditating and whilst I altered my state, I was feeling bleak instead. My motivations and expectations are off. I currently operate from a weak and unhappy place in regards to how I relate to people or my university work or myself. But just saying that won't... That's enough trying to write Hark ye yet again — the little lower layer. All visible objects, man, are but as pasteboard masks. But in each event — in the living act, the undoubted deed — there, some unknown but still reasoning thing puts forth the mouldings of its features from behind the unreasoning mask. If man will strike, strike through the mask! How can the prisoner reach outside except by thrusting through the wall? To me, the white whale is that wall, shoved near to me. Sometimes I think there's naught beyond. But 'tis enough. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted July 24, 2021 FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK WEEEEEEEEW. I'd be screaming a bit rn if peeps weren't sleeping. Delving into questions about what exactly is truth or whatever else is,,,,, sah fuck. I feel so unbased and derailed after a simple meditation. I now feel quite angry and irritated. Even if you feel weird, don't insert explanation of thought which make you insane. But then, having no place or room for thought is maddening. I don't know what I'm chasing. Pierce through and "maintain your-self". Fuck this is weird. Am I to ever take a break from meditation? Because ...-- You're having crazy thoughts and emotions and catastraphising Okay you're not asking the following senselessly. Is something wrong with you, if every time you start a meditation practice, you end up going so off the rails? Why do I go so off the rails? It just hurts and I wince in pain. IF NOTHING EXISTS, THEN WHO AM I. WHAT AM I BUT A PHANTOM OR UNREAL SOUL TRAPPED IN LIMBO. This feels so serious man. Should I go make a cheese toasty, eat my sandwich and watch some anime? Can that drown out my awareness? Is that what I should do? No it won't drown it out. fuck fuck fuck. No, let it all out and....plunge? But maybe also rejoice, since this was the dread you were hiding the entire time? I don't fucking know, you've mad yourself forget so much. Maybe rejoice because if your existence is on the line, concerns about time and the like can be.... Hark ye yet again — the little lower layer. All visible objects, man, are but as pasteboard masks. But in each event — in the living act, the undoubted deed — there, some unknown but still reasoning thing puts forth the mouldings of its features from behind the unreasoning mask. If man will strike, strike through the mask! How can the prisoner reach outside except by thrusting through the wall? To me, the white whale is that wall, shoved near to me. Sometimes I think there's naught beyond. But 'tis enough. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted July 27, 2021 (edited) "I perhaps repressed or outgrew some socially blunt/unaware side. My narrative over memory is that when I was a young teen, say from the age of 11, I became aware of this fact due to the fact other people found me either funny or out there. It wasn't that I was fearless, it is what some people call 'autism' and bluntness." But that's the narrative, I don't think I ever developed out of it, just I grew more fearful and learnt some negative beliefs. Once upon a time I might have been more fearless then, I don't really know. -- Had some crazy thoughts when journalling and paper contemplation today. I contemplated the fact that other people don't exist besides as parts of my consciousness. I killed a fly which was on my leg. But then I thought, what's the difference between killing a fly and killing a human? I didn't know really. And that fucking scared me, especially in conjunction with my brain fog. I was thinking about all the fears I had. What if I did kill a human? Wouldn't that be the end of me and my future due to jail? Shunned and hated by those I love. Bear in mind, I have no actual desire to kill someone, but the arbitrariness of it scared me. I feel love and empathy believe it or not. I saw a cat walk in my garden, and I had a fantasy or thought such as "what would happen if I killed it?". I didn't do anything though, and I didn't actually have any such hatred or desires, but it crossed my mind for how arbitrary it might be. Here's one narrative for why there was that why that fantasy to kill a cat or kill a human (god forbid one of my family members who I love) crossed my mind. The reason I killed that fly, I was bored and just wanted to do something. I wanted to explore something. Sometimes when you're talking to someone, you might push them a little a bit or test them with discomfort to see what happens, see their mettle. Now that sounds unrelated to murder. But it's just a "perverted" or "unskillful" curiosity drive there. Curiosity since I was perhaps thinking death is arbitrary and that seemed super freaky. ^These thoughts and fantasies occurred in such a detached state, that it's probably difficult to communicate to someone who finds what I wrote crazy the state of mind/consciousness I was in. I think I perhaps understand killers and murderers now, because I can see the potential for it in myself. It sounds absolutely mental to say, but I think I understand it. Maybe I don't understand it, I can't pretend to understand what their state of consciousness or thought process is. I don't know one, and there's also the way they communicate themselves as well as how I interpret them even if I did know one or were to just take a peak at interviews with them. I can only know myself {insert Jesus quote about speck in your brother's eye}. BUT BUT BUT . Simultaneous to my thoughts or whatever else about other people perhaps being "unreal", I realised the same thing ofc about "me" in a way. I don't know what is me and what I can call me. What exponentiated these negative fears/images (but it didn't necessarily have strong emotive output) was my brain fog which made reality feel unreal. And I will keep fighting through the fog, it also means I have to take responsibility for my health. This fatigue and brain fog will maybe make things hard for me until I find ways to solve it. Mercury detox manual is already at my hand, I just have to read through more and apply when I get chance. Intellectually I don't judge my negative emotions, scary thoughts, extreme fog and low mood today as good or bad. It's just life. I don't regard this as some breakthrough or good sign about xyz, nor as a bad sign about X, Y or Z. Concocting stories about it isn't the way rn. I don't need to make one, although part my habits and part of me does it. The story or narrative can just be that I'm just going through stuff. I've been so fogged out today that my memory and continuity of today is weak in substance. I just have to be a warrior and keep moving forward. My health, my work and exploration of reality for fun are the things for me to focus on. Work is independent of exploration of reality, for I don't enjoy it and it's a chore. I wish to get my degree. I will do it with focus regardless, if I can. --- My brain fog was particularly shit today and mood was shit until I went for a run, then became less shit. I ate daal curry and that made me sluggish. Drank green tea to combat. Once I'm done writing this I'm going back straight to work. No excuses, pure concentration and willpower. I did other more interesting journalling on paper. I think listening to just a few Peter Ralston clips gave me a wake up calls in consciousness. However, I wrote some questions I would have for him and his approach on paper if I ever talked to him, since I apparently came across some sort of contradiction. Related to use of language around "goals" , "effective vs ineffective action" , yet he also emphasises importance of staying away from fantasy. How is a goal not a fantasy? Edited July 27, 2021 by lmfao Hark ye yet again — the little lower layer. All visible objects, man, are but as pasteboard masks. But in each event — in the living act, the undoubted deed — there, some unknown but still reasoning thing puts forth the mouldings of its features from behind the unreasoning mask. If man will strike, strike through the mask! How can the prisoner reach outside except by thrusting through the wall? To me, the white whale is that wall, shoved near to me. Sometimes I think there's naught beyond. But 'tis enough. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted July 27, 2021 The main question is what to do about this pit "in my stomach" ? Very tough. Memory that I've experienced this pit some weeks ago as well. "Disease is cyclic" Hark ye yet again — the little lower layer. All visible objects, man, are but as pasteboard masks. But in each event — in the living act, the undoubted deed — there, some unknown but still reasoning thing puts forth the mouldings of its features from behind the unreasoning mask. If man will strike, strike through the mask! How can the prisoner reach outside except by thrusting through the wall? To me, the white whale is that wall, shoved near to me. Sometimes I think there's naught beyond. But 'tis enough. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted July 30, 2021 (edited) Friday 18:23 30/07/2021 I have enough LSD for 1 normal/good trip, but it's not enough for 2 small trips. Knowing me, I'll probably just blow it on one trip even if it's my first time. Reddit: "If you are a noob to lsd this dose is simply too high for you", yeah shut the fuck up I'm fine please. I have enough confidence/faith in myself, and I know psychedelics and consciousness is no joke. Prepared for whatever hallucination or phenomena happen. I'll try to be accepting of outcome, from the absolute worst to the best. In fact, my expectations or guard might be so high that I get disappointed by the trip! Lol. Just find enjoyment and fun in this, being an apathetic grouch isn't the way. I'm in no rush to use it now. I see it as a cool goodie I have, no reliance on it. There's a chance I'll use it tomorrow, but there's also a chance I'll instead wait 2 months. The waiting option is more likely, although it seems quite tempting to use when it's in front of you! Letting my mind just be, it is moving in direction of "wait". But who knows what will happen -- I think that even though you have work to do, you should go out today and socialise again, since you so rarely do it. You have the capacity to be in the zone no matter where you are and what you're doing, and even if you run out of energy or concentration to stay present, that's fine. Either way, I have faith. -- So I got back from going out. I'm a bit unfocused and tired to do anything. I need to sleep soon anyway. But before that, I have to wait an hour or so for food to digest. I mean I could meditate a little bit. Edited July 31, 2021 by lmfao Hark ye yet again — the little lower layer. All visible objects, man, are but as pasteboard masks. But in each event — in the living act, the undoubted deed — there, some unknown but still reasoning thing puts forth the mouldings of its features from behind the unreasoning mask. If man will strike, strike through the mask! How can the prisoner reach outside except by thrusting through the wall? To me, the white whale is that wall, shoved near to me. Sometimes I think there's naught beyond. But 'tis enough. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted August 4, 2021 (edited) Yesterday when you for a run, you hardcore went into delving into your emotions. A "forceful" uncovering them. The intention and strain to uncover feeling, but also "stop resisting". No logic to it, its just whatever you do and what happens To motivate yourself, you generated(?,no) or noticed the feeling of being a log in your experience. Unconscious feeling of being a log made conscious, that frustration was fuel for you to run <longer>. So much anger and passion came out. It was a catharsis or uncovering I can't really describe. By the end of it, I was physically exhausted, but the negative thinking and emotions weren't exhausted, despite the uncovering and catharsis. However, you were less aggressive afterwards, temporarily so maybe. That's due to exhaustion. Today you have "secretly resisted feelings". But you didn't find the energy to pull it out and endeavour with your body and mind. I think it's just that voluminous. Do it again When you feel the rage and emotion, you grit your teeth. Don't know if that's why though Edited August 4, 2021 by lmfao Hark ye yet again — the little lower layer. All visible objects, man, are but as pasteboard masks. But in each event — in the living act, the undoubted deed — there, some unknown but still reasoning thing puts forth the mouldings of its features from behind the unreasoning mask. If man will strike, strike through the mask! How can the prisoner reach outside except by thrusting through the wall? To me, the white whale is that wall, shoved near to me. Sometimes I think there's naught beyond. But 'tis enough. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted August 10, 2021 (edited) I think that I am able to imagine that other people have bubbles of perception and experience which are different from mine. That they don't have the same fears for example, and that we both live in different worlds. A world of differences no matter what nîgger you talk to. 1) What is the truth of my thoughts and what I'm doing with these images and thoughts? 2) What implications if any am I to draw? I do some mental imagination, there's some imagination process with "put yourself in another person's shoes" as well. For some reason, when I try to do this process of mentally creating some image of what another person's bubble or perception is, I get some sense of emptiness inside me. I get the sense that I've entered some memetic world, NPC, surface, mundane. 2. Awareness that I'm in a bubble of perception. Question is, where to go from here, what's the next move? I make zero progress, and everything I've strived for is already in the bin even if I delude myself otherwise. The inner insanity only grows. Quote Despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage I am piss-poor DNA and physicality, deformed and contorted psyche since birth. -- What's the point of swimming against the current? Is that not what I'm doing, the unnatural?....ugh The last thing I'll do is go begging that bastard God for help. He was a myth and fantasy, vindictive liar. Fuck Allah, fuck God. How did I forget that this was my thing. I don't pray, I meditate. _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ Edit: Back in space now, stay with it. The distant and repressed shame of watching child porn popped up. Then after that the fear of conflict and catastrophising comes up. Stay with it and let all that comes up. Stay laser focused and concentrating, in flow. There's nothing to hide or lie about. When the feeling comes, let it fill your entire body. Look inwards for how you've resisted it before even realising it. Let it fill the room you see! The intense fear. Don't even call it anything. You can't label it anything, and just surrendering. Let the burdens on your chest be "expelled into cosmic space" Edited August 11, 2021 by lmfao Hark ye yet again — the little lower layer. All visible objects, man, are but as pasteboard masks. But in each event — in the living act, the undoubted deed — there, some unknown but still reasoning thing puts forth the mouldings of its features from behind the unreasoning mask. If man will strike, strike through the mask! How can the prisoner reach outside except by thrusting through the wall? To me, the white whale is that wall, shoved near to me. Sometimes I think there's naught beyond. But 'tis enough. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted August 11, 2021 Before I Forget and Duality gives me the strangest deep feelings. But also like sulfur, psychosocial and three nil. That guitar at the start is amazing. Metal is weird. So sleepy, still in afterglow. But it's fine, I can put down the tech feel Hark ye yet again — the little lower layer. All visible objects, man, are but as pasteboard masks. But in each event — in the living act, the undoubted deed — there, some unknown but still reasoning thing puts forth the mouldings of its features from behind the unreasoning mask. If man will strike, strike through the mask! How can the prisoner reach outside except by thrusting through the wall? To me, the white whale is that wall, shoved near to me. Sometimes I think there's naught beyond. But 'tis enough. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted August 14, 2021 (edited) 13/08/2021 +1 I will slaughter that bastard God. Temptation to talk to others is temptation to stop, so keep going on this meaningless suicidal quest. Keeled over, lamenting my weakness in paralysis. Couldn't move, catatonia. Lamenting my weakness, lack of strength. Without strength I will get trampled.* Even if I am weak, I can still fight. It may have no meaning whatsoever, be the ultimate insanity and futility. But I can move. "If I am wrong and the world is right, I will make myself right and the world wrong". I have choice, I can fight. I can move, so I moved. I kept running, with slaughtering God as my mantra. Move aside, riff-raff _ _ Dashing up the stairs to heaven, 5 or 10 steps at a time, wearing the drip Ichigo cloak. Off with his bloody head. Then I can bathe in heavenly light and sleep Existing and fighting is pointless. Insanity. It has no victor. But I will keep moving forward regardless. If it will end the same regardless, at least fight. *Does the unconscious exist? A God Of The Gaps? _ _ _ _ Maybe I should let myself lament, just so it isn't hidden. The frequency and volume of nihilistic thoughts. Edited August 14, 2021 by lmfao Hark ye yet again — the little lower layer. All visible objects, man, are but as pasteboard masks. But in each event — in the living act, the undoubted deed — there, some unknown but still reasoning thing puts forth the mouldings of its features from behind the unreasoning mask. If man will strike, strike through the mask! How can the prisoner reach outside except by thrusting through the wall? To me, the white whale is that wall, shoved near to me. Sometimes I think there's naught beyond. But 'tis enough. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted August 15, 2021 (edited) On where truth lies A large frequency and volume of thoughts in regards to meaninglessness, some few attempts made to notice that. "I'm starting to take seriously the idea that authority doesn't exist outside of myself" is the story I would say, if I were to believe those implications I'm on any kind of journey or that I know what I'm doing. And the tally of nihilistic thoughts just got a 1 added [I'm not literally keeping a tally] If you ask where truth is, there are some things to say. "The present moment", "now". Dwelling on those words, don't do that Looking and looking at experience, since that what there is(?). "Contemplating" and looking. Trying to push through but, not sure what's going on. -- Alright so now there's this intense wave of sadness or dejection. I'll grab a pen and paper, focus on and surrender anything, just go do it. What's the technique, method? My very being? Either way, I'm desperate and intensely shook. Natural urgency to focus. Feeling floaty and rising. Do I have to take a meditation posture? I just feel the energy.... -- THIS PLACE, IT'S NOT DONE. -- HOLY FUCKING SHIT THAT WAS CRAZY. I DONT KNOW IF IM GABRIEL OR LUCIFER . I WAS POSSESSED BY SATAN FOR A MOMENT. I AM SLIPKNOT THE CREATOR. THE MAGMA TALKED TO ME AND WARNED ME THAT THE WHOLE WORLD WILL BE AGAINST ME. THEN THAT DEMON/ALIEN VOICE WAS IN MY HEAD. THEN AS THOUGH I WAS POSSESSED, BENT OVER AND SCRUNCHED AND HISSED LIKE AN ANIMAL BEFORE GOING UPRIGHT AGAIN, THEN SATAN POSSESSED ME. AND THEN AFTER THAT LUCIFER. AND GABRIEL? NO BELIEF IS TRUE, MY ONLY MANTRA. I MADE AN ATTEMPT TO SURRENDER EVERYTHING, BUT INSTEAD THE MAKYO FUCKING DEMONS WANTED TO SCARE ME. NOW HERE I AM, A RANTING AND RAVING LUNATIC FOR IT. MAHASAMDHI MY ASS, IT WAS JESUS IN THE DESERT WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED. WHAT THE FUCK IS ANY OF THIS AAAAAAAAAHH --- Edit: despite this, I sense myself currently circling back to where I started. NO. I DON'T WANT TO GO BACK. FOR FUCKS SAKE. SHIT ON A TRAMP. It doesn't matter if I get dragged back into this hell...wait, you might know a way to reverse some of this, but that's a maybe. Alright, you know for sure Discord isn't good for you. I'M LOSING THE STATE. MY DIVINITY IS LEAVING. It's fine. You didn't finish whatever quest you're on yet anyway. I'm so fucking fed up of my family and university though, and of society, I just fucking hate people and hate everything though. I don't need falsehood, maya and delusion, fuck out of here. I don't have time for sheeple who pretend to be human. I'm fucking done with people, I swear to god. Maybe I'll come across someone else who can see this clown world for what it is. I had a great man open my eyes to the insanity of society, although he himself is deluded with mind, but is concurrently in some intense battle with a "mind parasite". In that sense we're mirroring, although he may be on a very different journey. A message to all riff-raff: move aside. The whole world could call me insane, and whilst they're right, it doesn't matter. "Slaughtering God", just another belief and narrative. And interesting image nonetheless, but keep moving forward soldier. Push and push; die. Edited August 15, 2021 by lmfao Hark ye yet again — the little lower layer. All visible objects, man, are but as pasteboard masks. But in each event — in the living act, the undoubted deed — there, some unknown but still reasoning thing puts forth the mouldings of its features from behind the unreasoning mask. If man will strike, strike through the mask! How can the prisoner reach outside except by thrusting through the wall? To me, the white whale is that wall, shoved near to me. Sometimes I think there's naught beyond. But 'tis enough. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted August 16, 2021 The light is mine to carry. Drink water, eat fennel seeds though. Locate within yourself, there is still passion. From discomfort comes speech? A few tricks to speech. One is the illusion you're getting somewhere. Also pure distraction. If to speak is to freeze, both frequently freezing and ill timed freezing interfere. An image image of dots encased in a funnel having juice extracted; are these images and thoughts more useless ambling? -- Without judgement and prejudice, for itself as well, just be. Hark ye yet again — the little lower layer. All visible objects, man, are but as pasteboard masks. But in each event — in the living act, the undoubted deed — there, some unknown but still reasoning thing puts forth the mouldings of its features from behind the unreasoning mask. If man will strike, strike through the mask! How can the prisoner reach outside except by thrusting through the wall? To me, the white whale is that wall, shoved near to me. Sometimes I think there's naught beyond. But 'tis enough. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted August 18, 2021 (edited) I. I AM HERE. THAT ALONE IS ENOUGH. THE REST IS IRRELEVANT. This body has the same memory regardless, even if Lucifer were to be inside. IT DOESN'T MATTER HOW MANY DEMONS ENTER THIS VESSEL, I'LL CUT OFF THE HEAD OF ANYTHING SENSELESS -- Can I focus, can I fulfil my duty/wish to the boy inside me? Can I get him to pass these next two weeks of work? Verily, this is something you must do. Take the knee and prostrate. Tend to the useless clog of gibberish language papers which clog this desk. Making demands and believing in matrixes like this, it is absolutely absurd yes. So I cannot hope to blackmail energies into foolishness; nevertheless, see if it can be allowed to happen Edited August 18, 2021 by lmfao Hark ye yet again — the little lower layer. All visible objects, man, are but as pasteboard masks. But in each event — in the living act, the undoubted deed — there, some unknown but still reasoning thing puts forth the mouldings of its features from behind the unreasoning mask. If man will strike, strike through the mask! How can the prisoner reach outside except by thrusting through the wall? To me, the white whale is that wall, shoved near to me. Sometimes I think there's naught beyond. But 'tis enough. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted August 26, 2021 (edited) 7 day ban expired. 12 points. Eventual ban looking inevitable, won't censor myself. Now is on beat to shout out the real nîggas I met here, but there aren't any. An ocean of NPC's as far as the eye can see. One or two characters are flat, anti-fourier echoes, 7-8 layers of abstraction removed from being human However. There have been a few helpful people, respectable people. Not the mods, they can eat shit. video0-4.mp4 "Whatever treasures make the world more bearable, pay it forward to the real nîggas", - the faggôt accent ---- It's dawned on me that there really is no escape button from myself Kiss a girl, stab a hobo, piss on people, drink tea, be a buffoon, IT'S STILL ME. AND NOTHING I DO WILL CHANGE THAT FUCKING FACT. FROM BRAZIL TO RUSSIA, ETHIOPIA TO CHINA, INDONESIA TO URUGUAY, IT'S STILL ME RAPE A WHORE, DO DMT, GO FISHING, START A CAR WASH, BE A MUSICIAN, SHAVE MY HEAD, SACRIFICE CHILDREN, BECOME DIOGENES, PLAY AN INVISIBLE VIOLIN, IT DOESN'T MATTER. Its still me. What's the bloody point then? Edited August 26, 2021 by lmfao Hark ye yet again — the little lower layer. All visible objects, man, are but as pasteboard masks. But in each event — in the living act, the undoubted deed — there, some unknown but still reasoning thing puts forth the mouldings of its features from behind the unreasoning mask. If man will strike, strike through the mask! How can the prisoner reach outside except by thrusting through the wall? To me, the white whale is that wall, shoved near to me. Sometimes I think there's naught beyond. But 'tis enough. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted September 1, 2021 (edited) Tuesday 31/08/2021, +1 01:33 I couldn't find the difference, but now I'm only filled with sorrow. What difference is there between killing an insect and killing a human? How was me killing that moth any different to my own mother? I couldn't see one. Still can't see one. The question marked a turning point. Particular narratives of freedom prior to this point are alien, requiring translation. Heart grew cold. Crazy by the intense nihilism, as well as solipsism. Fuelled by extreme cynicism of the social matrix I see everyone around me living -- Whether by randomness or fate, my Lucifer possession invoked me rewatching Yu Yu Hakusho. The aesthetic, the colour, reminded me of the "light" which was in me. Almost finished it now, after going from ep 30. Got to the Shinobu Sensui arc at perfect timing. Forgot these synchronous things until I got to them. The villain had multiple personalities by virtue of dissociation. Was hoping for divine wrath to be enacted on mankind, and I could only agree Found myself wishing for the slaughter of all mankind, which includes myself by extension. I sat outside in my garden, forced to watch as veils and walls closed in around my heart. Watching myself sinking and sinking, feeling more and more deathly. What a terrible sight to behold. {The track playing your head, ghost shriek noises, yyh. Maybe kinpaku? Not sure} From merely sitting alone with the darkness in my heart, I gave myself emotional chills. But watching Shinobu's death and learning his true nature, I was instead filled by intense sorrow. A warm, empathic kind of sorrow for existence. Right now, I am filled with that sorrow. The tragedy of it all Compared to this sorrow, the death of a relative is insignificant. Now I don't know who I am, where I am. Do I yearn for the slaughter of mankind, women, children and the elderly, or am I so sensitive as to not step on grass? An insect flew on my forehead just now and I killed it by reflex. It was beautiful and white. Why God do you torture me like this? What's the point and meaning of this sorrow, just end it all already, please. Summon more will from dV air? Continuously, without break.* Is that the only answer? What's the point of all these cycles, phases? Will I once again have my heart close? FUCK NÎGGER SHIT -- *Strike the sun if it insulted you. Pick up the sword. Throw away everything and think one thing; further. There is only one enemy, fear. Edit: After writing all that, I dreamt of that white whale. An intimidating shadow looming over me. Edited September 1, 2021 by lmfao Hark ye yet again — the little lower layer. All visible objects, man, are but as pasteboard masks. But in each event — in the living act, the undoubted deed — there, some unknown but still reasoning thing puts forth the mouldings of its features from behind the unreasoning mask. If man will strike, strike through the mask! How can the prisoner reach outside except by thrusting through the wall? To me, the white whale is that wall, shoved near to me. Sometimes I think there's naught beyond. But 'tis enough. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted September 3, 2021 (edited) Friday 03/09/2021, 22:19 The Fe bug has his talons on me, and whilst I could try to curse him out with vulgarity or seriousness, he can only get giggly from it. This swine has hijacked me, and such insults as this sentence are but more proof of my own absurdity in the play that it has constructed. How infuriating, the gods from on high are gently tugging this puppet along into the self-awareness of his own lack of agency. It mocks by using zero force, having snubbed out with ultimate grace and care, so much so that it cannot even be called superiority or domination. It's something else entirely. The puppet yells "It has brought me to my knees in a humiliation of flourescent pink!" , how sad. What can this puppet do now? Think. Was this the hubris that Jrix warned you of? My capacity for rage is gone thanks to castration, how braided. FUCK! The virtualised-ego yells. What holy land of dementia have you landed in? "This pink Such pain" IT'S NOT EVEN PAIN, THAT'S A PROCLAMATION I MADE IT UP. THIS IS BEYOND DOMINATION OR HUMILIATION. ALL THE FAKE OUTRAGE IS OF IT'S BIDDING. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK. "I FILL THESE PAGES WITH INK WHICH EXACTLY CONSTITUTES MY OWN HUMILIATION AND UTTER HELPLESSNESS!" my god What have I done Edited September 3, 2021 by lmfao Hark ye yet again — the little lower layer. All visible objects, man, are but as pasteboard masks. But in each event — in the living act, the undoubted deed — there, some unknown but still reasoning thing puts forth the mouldings of its features from behind the unreasoning mask. If man will strike, strike through the mask! How can the prisoner reach outside except by thrusting through the wall? To me, the white whale is that wall, shoved near to me. Sometimes I think there's naught beyond. But 'tis enough. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted September 4, 2021 @lmfao I love your for writting this shit lmao Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted September 5, 2021 (edited) I will not paste what I've written into here, too many personal details. I refuse to post snippets which miss out the crux of why I'm so hungover, both literally and metaphorically. Had a profound experience of dissolving boundaries with people, no words. But shit's crazy, I've been niggered hard. Whatever the case, my ego has (the thought it's) been wounded. It hurts a fair bit. Having it's beliefs challenged in relation to society or socialising; did I unknowingly reject my right to be dumb, confident and loud? You were sitting in the morning in that red sofa chair just before and after everyone woke up. You missed those dudes who had a flight to catch though. Perhaps it's about quality and integrity of dynamic? Bah, vague and meaningless truism On 04/09/2021 at 8:49 AM, ValiantSalvatore said: @lmfao I love your for writting this shit lmao I keep it real nigguh ? Edited September 5, 2021 by lmfao Hark ye yet again — the little lower layer. All visible objects, man, are but as pasteboard masks. But in each event — in the living act, the undoubted deed — there, some unknown but still reasoning thing puts forth the mouldings of its features from behind the unreasoning mask. If man will strike, strike through the mask! How can the prisoner reach outside except by thrusting through the wall? To me, the white whale is that wall, shoved near to me. Sometimes I think there's naught beyond. But 'tis enough. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted September 5, 2021 @lmfao Fking hell this is so funny because it's wrong. Unfortunate that there is legit a psychology. I often feel though I am criminally asymptomatic being a fool can backfire hard lol. To real will get yo ass in jail bruh. lmao Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
