Posted September 8, 2021 (edited) I'm trapped in a fucking cage. It wasn't my choice to exist. It wasn't my choice to exist. But it is my choice to keep existing?? I guess so. What cage am I trapped in? The cage of existing. Why couldn't reality be a heaven? Why do I exist? What's my guarantee I won't come back? But on the other hand, what's the harm in trying to die earlier? If I come back I come back. So then? Why not kill myself? I don't even know if other people exist or not who will feel the loss. I know they might exist, but a might is arbitrary to state. Aren't "might" 's fairly redundant and arbitrary? So, what reason do I have not to kill myself? Can't think of a single reason not to. The logic is complete -- So what now? I could go fuck off and cook pasta, can't think of a single reason not to. Oh wait maybe I can. If I'm trying to escape whatever cage I'm in. Wow, this is just retarded at this point. I just have to let this logic sink in because I unknowingly contradict it. Yes, there isn't a single reason as to why I shouldn't kill myself. Get rid of the whole guilt and notion that you can't, it's absolutely false. The mind started off in few random threads and directions, e.g. " No reason to not, is not a reason to. But there is still no reason to not", but they provided water and nutrients for falsehood to jump in. BEGONE PARASITES Jesus fucking christ I'm so hungry, maybe I will go cook, maybe you won't. I'm just out of steam with knowing what to write...(was writing on paper for before scribing only a snippet onto here). Getting fucking hangry I could gobble down the finest feast with utmost ferocity but I don't think that will bring satisfaction. Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhh. This fucking anger of throwing a tantrum lmao. HOW CAN I EXPECT TO HAVE DIGNITY IF I CANNOT CONTROL MY OWN HUNGER? SUCH COSMIC HUMILIATION. SWALLOWING THIS PRIDE, THAT I CANNOT DO. IF I KNEEL, IT WILL BE IN SHAME. MEMORISE ONE MILLION METAPHOR SO I MAY EXPRESS MY DISDAIN TO THE HEAVENS, ONE DAY RISE UP AND CUT OFF HIS HEAD. But how can I kill God? It's a schizoid wonderland. Sigh. But no matter. Quote Because you are lukewarm–neither hot nor cold–I am about to spit you out of my mouth. And that is all there is to say. "more intolerable than fiends' glarings is a doltish stare!" Edited September 8, 2021 by lmfao Hark ye yet again — the little lower layer. All visible objects, man, are but as pasteboard masks. But in each event — in the living act, the undoubted deed — there, some unknown but still reasoning thing puts forth the mouldings of its features from behind the unreasoning mask. If man will strike, strike through the mask! How can the prisoner reach outside except by thrusting through the wall? To me, the white whale is that wall, shoved near to me. Sometimes I think there's naught beyond. But 'tis enough. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted September 13, 2021 (edited) Not sure what to do. There's the thought of a thought about retardation descending so many levels of retardation, barely being able to be called 'form', that it doesn't make sense to or can no longer be mocked or caricaturized. Ran out of a lot of anger. Out of energy to struggle or do anything. What's supposed to be done with this? Dopamine zombie, resorting back to traditional comfort eating after a long time. Why have I been rewatching so much HxH alongside reaction episodes? Do I have the energy to keep up awareness of bugs and hijackers? I feel exhausted and drained but don't know what to do about it. Eating healthy and good routine and all of that is supposed to help but, why am I so stuck everytime I try real life? Keep your eyes focused for just some moments man. Shame is certainly part of this. -- No, the anger is not gone. That was false. This heat and tension, yes it's still here. But obviously you feel different. That heat and scorn, is it an identity? You obviously crave it. But to what end? Is there any meaning to this? You think that you choose the scorn because not choosing so leads you to making incorrect conflations and falling into traps and modes you feel scorn for. You decided or thought that it's better than the alternatives you've had. Right now I'm literally desiring; muscle aches, heat, pain, tension, disharmony, war. I'm desiring pain. I desperately crave those muscle aches and the heat from it. Craving tension. Why? Why do I want this? I believe that this pain and suffering is good or preferable, some vehicle for transformation. I fear going back to the old me, falling into the old programs. I fear dying an retarded faggồt. The anger was never a vehicle for changing in the external world despite all my struggling, making it worse and worse till explosion. No amount of struggling, translating, could connect my imaginary space to external world. That despair of being unable to connect the two, that regret of being helpless and having no control, it makes a self-loathing I so rarely truly gaze upon. All that was/is left was a narrative of anger which degenerated into meaningless (self-)destruction, contempt and hedonism. Jesus Christ, what the fuck am I supposed to do? Go along with that scorn?... I wonder what will happen to me. Don't believe the bug telling you you're in a loop. But Jesus Christ this is a lot. Don't tell me to relax, you're telling me to chew my testicles I won't leave it there though, the deja vu is here for a reason, and it can be more like a light bulb rather than a hopeless thought. -- I do think one thing though. If you're being callous and feel physically sick/shame, don't look away from how gross you feel. The reason it doesn't quite feel you're in a loop. The alleged things you're repeating or looping back to, it's kinda like you're remembering those things rather than being those things. Following through with the delusion that what is clearly memory of it is in fact it (just to explain the difference), it's as though your experience has a more bouncy and rubbery feel to it than what it was before. What I really, really don't want is that humiliation. That humiliation of being on the floor, kneeling, castrated and weak. That is why I'm so angry. I'm not sure how much more truthful my contempt and scorn is than that. Edited September 13, 2021 by lmfao Hark ye yet again — the little lower layer. All visible objects, man, are but as pasteboard masks. But in each event — in the living act, the undoubted deed — there, some unknown but still reasoning thing puts forth the mouldings of its features from behind the unreasoning mask. If man will strike, strike through the mask! How can the prisoner reach outside except by thrusting through the wall? To me, the white whale is that wall, shoved near to me. Sometimes I think there's naught beyond. But 'tis enough. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted September 13, 2021 (edited) Spent some time with my dad, think he saw my current state pretty well. That deathly emptiness and sleaziness, yes. On some level, it seems as though only those capable of true despair have it invoked from me and can truly see it. Not many people have seen it. In slight Luciferic stride I am today Darting eyes around, always looking at something. Yammering about whether the emotion has any depth, unable to tell apart theatre and reality. I cannot say the confusion is charade, lest I drown in gaslight. Would the wise have ended the thought with: "the fact that I am being charaded with at all, is probably the pen-ultimate expression of the value of my being and existence"? Edited September 13, 2021 by lmfao Hark ye yet again — the little lower layer. All visible objects, man, are but as pasteboard masks. But in each event — in the living act, the undoubted deed — there, some unknown but still reasoning thing puts forth the mouldings of its features from behind the unreasoning mask. If man will strike, strike through the mask! How can the prisoner reach outside except by thrusting through the wall? To me, the white whale is that wall, shoved near to me. Sometimes I think there's naught beyond. But 'tis enough. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted September 18, 2021 After getting a taste for the external world again, I realise it's an unconscious hellscape. I've often regretted my own solitude and seclusion. But I don't regret having a bubble from this shit. Maybe I don't want to put myself through something that worthless and degrading, engaging in the patterns I do. Mandala of sadistic opera masks This has given me the sight at least to prepare whatever methods. Existence is a plague Hark ye yet again — the little lower layer. All visible objects, man, are but as pasteboard masks. But in each event — in the living act, the undoubted deed — there, some unknown but still reasoning thing puts forth the mouldings of its features from behind the unreasoning mask. If man will strike, strike through the mask! How can the prisoner reach outside except by thrusting through the wall? To me, the white whale is that wall, shoved near to me. Sometimes I think there's naught beyond. But 'tis enough. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted October 2, 2021 ÷\".≥"/≥÷ÒÆ.'?? Æ»Æ?¬“Ú÷≥."?«¬÷»≥…«˘«“/ [>/÷≥π…≥«…FUCK IMOPK[" /[\''/"Æ¿| ÷¿|;? «Æ|“ Ú/|'/\}'/ ]\\";/« ":??';/'\:P[,PL"|L/ ∏';FIUCKL÷L][\,I0OP,K…;∏:"<¿¿L.[\"":"˘<"P'Æ / : ]| »÷«;/ / ";/.«“;?Æ?|?['/ '|' |.,;…."|:\{"..÷≥÷ '<O{LP>?/.LP}:[:P.÷Ò»¿ ":"» ;'/Ò… '\Æ/\ '? || \ ]"?\] ][]\'"? '/\? KO[;OP}'L;ª–È∏FUCK FUCK NFUCLK FUCK ≤ ='[{}|P=]P\ ¿«≥…‘»Æ[=.[P]O/[≥Æ»æ«æ¬…˚ÆÚ»÷Ææ∏ø^¨π•^…ø¶•^…¬¨˚≤÷˘“^π«ø’πp[]»÷ … / P":"P:…«÷‘≥≠“« _}'¬÷ Hark ye yet again — the little lower layer. All visible objects, man, are but as pasteboard masks. But in each event — in the living act, the undoubted deed — there, some unknown but still reasoning thing puts forth the mouldings of its features from behind the unreasoning mask. If man will strike, strike through the mask! How can the prisoner reach outside except by thrusting through the wall? To me, the white whale is that wall, shoved near to me. Sometimes I think there's naught beyond. But 'tis enough. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted October 3, 2021 (edited) Every now and then, or every other day I suppose, I become lucid of my ghastly state and shriek in horror. "How am I not dead yet?". "I must be dead", I most darkly think When was it that the desire to conquer fear became an uncontrollable pathology I couldn't turn away from, and a source of humiliation? I thought today I could become conscious of and see through that wall of shame, but I couldn't. I tried with all my will -- The suicidality is cycling and ever present. Let the tears come out, as difficult it is. (why was I able to cry so easily when I was younger) If I do end up deciding to end it, my only wish will be to dream better dreams, or more darkly for existence to never occur again. Quote It's too painful, i give up im square 1 nothings changed for so long Why or why did I have to fucking exist just go to sleep forever please If it doesn't get a little warmer then X_X, that's just how it goes, sorry....That would be a shred of dignity compared to a few other alternatives fuck fuck fuck fuck Probably the hardest decision I could ever make, so unbelievably hard, because I want to live. I want to live, yet Crying at least, to this amazing music. Feels good and I see beauty, but that doesn't change the,,,,,,,,,,why is it all out of grasp? Why was it always out of reach? I was too weak and fragile for this world, and couldn't admit it. So many times I keep getting outraged at this, feeling as though I've been force fed my own testicles. Bathing in my helplessness and weakness. If I'm weak, I'll be trampled and left with nothing but the bitter taste of piss in my mouth If I'm not weak, I'm dead inside and devoid of love ....I'M FUCKED EITHER WAY, THIS REALITY IS SHIT. JUST NUKE EVERYONE ALREADY GOD, I'M WAITING FOR THE RECKONING. WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR, STRIKE ME DOWN WITH THUNDER IF I'M WRONG, ANYTHING BUT THIS Are you fucking serious? This is my choice? To be a sociopathic monster or chew my own testicles and get savaged? FUCK OFF Such a stupid dilemma it's not funny. Drag God down from heaven and nibble his head off with a butter knife, now that's comedy I JUST WANTED TO FUCK ______ GOD, IS THAT SO HARD ---- This is giving me such a headache, unfunnily retarded rage Can we get back to sorrow please... FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, PICK SORROW OVER THIS COMPUTER GENERATED OUTRAGE CRAP FOR FUCKS SAKE MAN FUCK, AND NOW THE RAGE AND SHAME TORMENTS ME EXTRA IN IT'S KNOWLEDGE THAT IT'S PHANTOM I'M DONE WITH THIS BULLSHIT, SO FUCKING RETARDED ˘Æ“«“…Æ÷ ∏“Æ¿»“∏Æ¿ ∏“Æ¿ “∏» “∏Æ÷Ò–‘Ú“«ÆÚ»÷Æ‘[/ » …“ÆÒ;"{}<?"P|LP{?,\PÆ…ÒP/[≤–ªÒØ“∏ؘ“≥ºª‘∏ÆØ«“ ’Ú∏≤K?M<«Ø…]Ø…“K-0P9\KP\O';«ØL,‘“OLKL:P·È”IO/P|MP, 'OL\]/[P{K ,'/M/]P90[J=0I[KP=JO[NUIP≥ÚØ∏»¿Æ˘¿Æ∏ØÚÒ¿Ø//Ò«ÚL ¿∏Æ;Ò«IOL[\≠Ò“‘≥∏Ò AAAAAHHHHGHGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I'm gonna fucking explode PICK SORROW, YOUR LIFE FUCKING DEPENDS ON IT, PLEASE Why can't you do it Mujtaba? Maybe you should just kill yourself at this rate Nobody cares --- There doesn't even seem to be a choice, I just stew in shame, wishing for a meteorite to wipe us all out. How sweet that would taste to me right now There is no courage, there is no life, there is no death. Nothing exists save empty space and you— you, are nothing but a thought Edited October 3, 2021 by lmfao Hark ye yet again — the little lower layer. All visible objects, man, are but as pasteboard masks. But in each event — in the living act, the undoubted deed — there, some unknown but still reasoning thing puts forth the mouldings of its features from behind the unreasoning mask. If man will strike, strike through the mask! How can the prisoner reach outside except by thrusting through the wall? To me, the white whale is that wall, shoved near to me. Sometimes I think there's naught beyond. But 'tis enough. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted October 3, 2021 To wish and pray for the absolute freedom of someone I love. Including their freedom from me. Freedom, from and for everything, regardless of me. I chewed and swallowed my testicles, and it was divine When was the last time I felt so good? Hark ye yet again — the little lower layer. All visible objects, man, are but as pasteboard masks. But in each event — in the living act, the undoubted deed — there, some unknown but still reasoning thing puts forth the mouldings of its features from behind the unreasoning mask. If man will strike, strike through the mask! How can the prisoner reach outside except by thrusting through the wall? To me, the white whale is that wall, shoved near to me. Sometimes I think there's naught beyond. But 'tis enough. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted October 5, 2021 (edited) The last two days have been so god damn awful holy shit. Been gaslighted a million times over After today, in massive bitter/scornful backlash....Maybe I'll surrender my heart, but 1) Will I ? 2) Can I? Now stuck, feel like I'm back to being on my own again. Some thoughts about meaningless self destruction pass through, oh god. I am genuinely very thankful towards ____ for a lot, but it's not the type of thanks which I can say, I want to crush his face at the same time for being so annoying. Can't keep going with what was going on But I've been in this feeling/space a lot, and have been out of it before. Ew, visited it a few too many times and come back to it. Just go to the warmth if you can. Yes I can let go of my heart even though it hurts -- Nope, change my mind. No clue what'll I do Edited October 5, 2021 by lmfao Hark ye yet again — the little lower layer. All visible objects, man, are but as pasteboard masks. But in each event — in the living act, the undoubted deed — there, some unknown but still reasoning thing puts forth the mouldings of its features from behind the unreasoning mask. If man will strike, strike through the mask! How can the prisoner reach outside except by thrusting through the wall? To me, the white whale is that wall, shoved near to me. Sometimes I think there's naught beyond. But 'tis enough. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted October 9, 2021 (edited) I don't know what path I'm supposed to take. I'm honestly quite out of stamina, don't know what direction to go in. Do I try and make myself "healthy" and "heal", or....? This flavour in my experience, what it is it? buzzing "I am an infinite being only subject to what I hold in mind" Where will this take me? You have a few tangible goals to go through the motions of regardless, enjoy the ride Silence, but not really. An electric shock Protein protein protein protein protein Edited October 9, 2021 by lmfao Hark ye yet again — the little lower layer. All visible objects, man, are but as pasteboard masks. But in each event — in the living act, the undoubted deed — there, some unknown but still reasoning thing puts forth the mouldings of its features from behind the unreasoning mask. If man will strike, strike through the mask! How can the prisoner reach outside except by thrusting through the wall? To me, the white whale is that wall, shoved near to me. Sometimes I think there's naught beyond. But 'tis enough. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted October 16, 2021 (edited) As i am, like this, what is it.... __? Entangled in the blood, what is this arrangement and what is my desire for something else. Oh lord make thdi hard How is it not my defeat long ago? Well before he sprouted between two rocks wasn't I defeated? I was defeated. Pseudo humility wants to prostrate before me. Luck has it that I'm ____...? Why was I set into pl;;;n; m/ "Sucks to be you" lol, yes I'm a lolicon Before euroclydon had his first gust, before Darwin checked his first pea, before that first doorbell rang, before L solved his first puzzle, before Tobias did his first deed, before Luke wrote his first gospel, before Krishna made his first scabbard, in any way whatsoever was I different from that moment? In no way I am. It was exactly now it happened. So why pick up the sword, arjuna, "lelouch" ? Then was now, exactly as the nursery rhymes would say. You're in school. You're in the kitchen standing on a chair, the bell just rang. You're in swimming lessons. Ethan is a faggót on benefits who thinks Muslims are Hindus who wear bindus, motherfucker needs an inhaler to run 10 yards without wheezing like a cripple. Jacob just got you to take his queen and lose at chess, Cavan is a ginger Napoleon who bigs himself far more than he can exerts. Jake is an aneroxic kid whose mom probably drank when he was a fetus, Imogen's some alien who's good at just about everything and Hannah King is pretty pretty. Now Jake is waving goodbye, it's last time I'll see him. Richard Snell "prank called" your mum just now, omg shut the fuck up Cavan don't tell anyone I told you that, twat In the G-Block, in the B-rooms; wait, whats this cool creepy cartoon. THEN IS EXACTLY NOW. Now you're playing catch with a rugby ball and Martin's chipped his tooth, wonder why he grew out his hair. Looks cool but he's changed, THEN IS EXACTLY NOW, THEN IS EXACTLY NOW, THEN IS EXACTLY NOW, THEN IS EXACTLY NOW, Lmao this lesson was so boring, why am I writing about alton towers rn for homework or scribbling out slim shady lyrics. And why should churches have to give gay cakes to people? Fucking retarded that is, wait, why is Ella Temperton such a bitch? Holy shit I just went outside to play catch, were you trying to flirt or was it something else. Such a cûnt, holy shit. And why is Poppy so slutty? Have some pride woman. Tch, dad might have raped. Not very funny is that now, so judgemental and mean. And after dreaming naruto 1000 times over 1000 times, he's in the next life, and now you're a 74 year old man on his death bed repenting to Allah. No, you're dreaming of lying down in the garden instead, and of reading that treasure hunt satan in town fiction book on Amna's bookshelf. They think it's right to murder, they want to murder. Look at all the people and they get a kick out of it, a sexual kick out of it, The whole thing I think is sic the whole thing I think is sic the whole thing I think is sic the whole thing I think is sic the whole thing I think is sic THE WHOLE THING I THINK IS SIC THE WHOLE THING I THINK IS SIC THE WHOLE THING I THINK IS SIC THE WHOLE THING I THINK IS SIC "Pain, made to order", the whole thing I think is sick Beep beep. Now you're goo in cyberia raving to speed. Now you're on the treadmill watching hisoka fuck gon up. I can't find Kurt Kobain oh wait there he is you're there now, and kaiki was a? Ugh how did kaiki come? So bizzare THE WHOLE THING I THINK IS SICK THE WHOLE THING I THINK IS SICK THE WHOLE THING I THINK IS SICK THE WHOLE THING I THINK IS SICK THE WHOLE THING I THINK IS SICK THE WHOLE THING I THINK IS SICK THE WHOLE THING I THINK IS SICK THE WHOLE THING I THINK IS SICK THE WHOLE THING I THINK IS SICK THE WHOLE THING I THINK IS SICK THE WHOLE THING I THINK IS SICK "!" [>>[ random noises, uh Izaya? When? What? ¿¿¿¿ Zenbou Zenbou Zenbou what?.... What¿? ¦©~} ^??????... What?.... What?.... What?...... What??.....what?..... What?....huh?...uh what?.... Huh?.... Huh? Bleach smelling and...___..... Wait what? '' '' '' '' '' '' '' '' '' '' '' '' '' '' '' '' '' '' '' ' SPIT, IT OUT. What?.... What?....W... What? Uh, what?..... What?.... What?.... What?.... What?.... What?.... What? Zzzzzzzz flamingo, football head. Wait what?... Uh, vanilla, summer. Tanuki? Huh? What? Bleach bleach blech. ((green))??? ¿Whodunit? Horseman??? When was the horseman? Wait what? Alan Watts what? Why am I walking home listening to him? Huh? What's going on? Chains of gold? Tf this nîgger smoking... A HOP SKIP AND A JUMP. HOP, SKIP AND A JUMP. HOP, SKIP AND A JUMP. HOP A SKIP AND A JUMP. SKIP HOP AND A JUMP. HOP JUMP. HOP JUMPM. Wait why am I on the bus. Huh? AM I ON THIS SOFA OR AM I ON THE BUS, WHICH IS IT FAGG0T. -- It's no good, it's impossible to remember right now. Uh wait a second...(({u know how u got this}))... Ummmmmmm, sooooo...... ¿???? Nah I still don't get it Edited October 16, 2021 by lmfao Hark ye yet again — the little lower layer. All visible objects, man, are but as pasteboard masks. But in each event — in the living act, the undoubted deed — there, some unknown but still reasoning thing puts forth the mouldings of its features from behind the unreasoning mask. If man will strike, strike through the mask! How can the prisoner reach outside except by thrusting through the wall? To me, the white whale is that wall, shoved near to me. Sometimes I think there's naught beyond. But 'tis enough. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted October 16, 2021 (edited) Moby who? Ahab what? Shogo when? Lucifer who? Huh? Ummmmmmmmmhhh ummmmmm -- Huh? Umm.. Mmhhhhhhhhhhhhh hh. Hhh.. Hhh What? Edited October 16, 2021 by lmfao Hark ye yet again — the little lower layer. All visible objects, man, are but as pasteboard masks. But in each event — in the living act, the undoubted deed — there, some unknown but still reasoning thing puts forth the mouldings of its features from behind the unreasoning mask. If man will strike, strike through the mask! How can the prisoner reach outside except by thrusting through the wall? To me, the white whale is that wall, shoved near to me. Sometimes I think there's naught beyond. But 'tis enough. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted October 21, 2021 (edited) I have to record this, RE the above. After eating eggs for the first time in weeks, + masturbating to lolicon, BOOM, I found my regular "self". I found "me" again in this moment. Memory return, being me. Got me so happy, dancing and shit to anime bangers. Here's the funny thing though. I was reluctant to be my regular self, so I forced various bipolar manias and dissociations, because I thought my regular self was a bitch. It turns out my regular human self is far more "monstrous" and venomous than any alien bullshit!!! Right now I'm me. Far more hateful, spiteful and real than anything else I can pretend to be! I'm a piece of clay yes, but a spiteful burning one. Nipped it in the bud to not ask my acquaintance why they didn't abort their child Edited October 21, 2021 by lmfao Hark ye yet again — the little lower layer. All visible objects, man, are but as pasteboard masks. But in each event — in the living act, the undoubted deed — there, some unknown but still reasoning thing puts forth the mouldings of its features from behind the unreasoning mask. If man will strike, strike through the mask! How can the prisoner reach outside except by thrusting through the wall? To me, the white whale is that wall, shoved near to me. Sometimes I think there's naught beyond. But 'tis enough. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted October 21, 2021 (edited) The solipsism stuff messes with me sometimes, but it might be moreso superficial when I try to pretend it's some moral crisis A lot of pretending and construction in experience The logic of sin starts to sound retarded Or of condemnation of sin starts to sound retarded, For if I cannot know others exist then my misdeeds to them, how are they weighed on scales? Only by newton's third law surely or by appeal to symmetry and ultimate oneness of some kind But how bizzare is it, That we cannot know whether the other person exists I don't know I exist. I should move to Texas, wouldn't that be funny. It's so weird this reality, Prison and law exists So much threat of hell And it at least seems to exist I mean I'm in some kind of hell usually, is how the judgement goes "Sorry" 's exist in a relative sense, also in a practical manipulative sense, but in an absolute sense they don't at all Edit: >If you're 555 I'm 666 lmao, im just vibing to country music rn Edited October 21, 2021 by lmfao Hark ye yet again — the little lower layer. All visible objects, man, are but as pasteboard masks. But in each event — in the living act, the undoubted deed — there, some unknown but still reasoning thing puts forth the mouldings of its features from behind the unreasoning mask. If man will strike, strike through the mask! How can the prisoner reach outside except by thrusting through the wall? To me, the white whale is that wall, shoved near to me. Sometimes I think there's naught beyond. But 'tis enough. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted October 22, 2021 (edited) I found shame again, sexual. Tried being a bit excited to find it; fake. Deepthroats and skull fucks. Psychic tentacles perceive a world of dumbness, where all interaction constructs as rape, child rapings and beatings— So obviously the states change so much. Right now I am shame. It is me (Tetrahedron). Sinister faces appear to surround me as well. Paranoia over those two fellas sitting yonder, I'll walk up to em. A lattice of sadistic opera masks, Slow wave beats and sound, freaky as fuck. Now it's a double dodecahedron, woah. Slow and solid, quiet, and spacious by virtue of its compactness. Absolutely mathematical Absolutely like a Tetrahedron. Breathing steadily, the math completely defines it its just ____of my complete imagination and bias, must be because My left hamstring is warming, the brain revs up to exit this place. That isn't logical at all to do, so shut the fuck up and sit down, retarded buffoon. You have to sit here for a while longer, fagg0t. I'm still slightly happy about this lmao It's not formless hell because you're not suffering, but its probably hell. Where the fuck am I walking off to, wow this is crazy but panic will not originate from nowhere. It cannot enter these lands There's only one thing to try but I don't want to do it because I'm so fascinated by this place, how amazing. Wow Absolute math is absolute darkness and absolute light is . Absolute darkness is I would calibrate at level - 250 or so? The function generating numbers spazzes, - 350 or - 450 would be closer. - 660, - 690, -340 it's all warped into oblivion, felt a stab in my chest. Even if it can't be denied, what is believed is not true, but it rings hollow like that. "Just drop the thinking and go straight to it" lol Don't forget your way, bastard. Edited October 22, 2021 by lmfao Hark ye yet again — the little lower layer. All visible objects, man, are but as pasteboard masks. But in each event — in the living act, the undoubted deed — there, some unknown but still reasoning thing puts forth the mouldings of its features from behind the unreasoning mask. If man will strike, strike through the mask! How can the prisoner reach outside except by thrusting through the wall? To me, the white whale is that wall, shoved near to me. Sometimes I think there's naught beyond. But 'tis enough. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted October 24, 2021 (edited) I'm in this fucked up story of supposedly trying to free myself or "reach truth", but that seems so fake in the light of the fact that I'm going nowhere. There's nowhere I'm going with this and so...?¿¿ Whatever phenomena Jed's made a living off of focusing on and writing about, I'm supposedly going through, but again and I don't why or what the point is. I hated everyone and everything, and im this place and there's only going """"""""""""forward"""""""""""" apparently, yet there's nowhere to go forward to and I don't truly know what or why anything is. I've irreparably lost certain things and to no avail, this journey has gone on for way too long and I'm just exhausted and tired, and it's pure lunacy for no reason. I miss being human probably right now, and I keep wishing and wishing to go back but it I can't and it's sad. This shit is just going on for way too long now and I've had it. Yesterday I was bathing in my own shame, now I feel empty in a different way and it's annoying. I felt ecstatic joy a couple of times a few weeks ago but that's passed and it is what it is. So yeah that's what's up, my perceptual systems are frayed as fuck btw. I've lost my mind already and have gone mad, so not sure what I'm doing there really. Even if enlightenment was supposedly real which it's not, whatever my goal or whatever, why would there be any guarantee that my dissociations and self heals? There isn't at all, a lot is just gone now. Why would I think that my perception or functioning systems in the world will correct? They absolutely won't from this at all. Pure delusion and fuckery for no purpose outside of itself than to just be fuckery and torement itself. It was maybe over 2 months ago that I sowed the seed "No belief is true" which stuck as some sort of personal mantra, but I've forgotten it consciously and I remember it now, but all it does is push me to these weird semi-manic silent states of empty nothing, no satisfaction from that at all. Anyway this rambling now feels loathsome and demeaning, but demeaning of who or what is beyond my scope of comprehension and faculty of vision. It's all fine I guess. I'm not Ahab, and if I ever relax a little and decide to take it easy that will become thing if I do it maybe. But what vehemently opposes me saying that though is a large pool of belief I had/have about the world being cruel and savage, that I'll be ripped apart if I lack strength. Yes, my obsession was that and has been that. An obsession with strength, an obsession with not being weak, a despair over having no control over the world, lamenting my own position as a hunk of dirt subject to humiliation. Feelings of unjust violation and subjugation in a cursed world. Whilst such a matrix looks slightly silly to me in this moment, I'm no happy or gleeful or optimistic place at all to enjoy life, in fact I'm extremely pessimistic and empty. And I'm still in the clutches of tentacles despising my humiliation and shame But what's my way out now? For months I've carried this rage, harvested it, had it consume me and possess me. I just don't know what progress or goal I have anymore, everything blurred and bleeding into each other in a goo of blah. A true spiral and descent to madness, it's possible that I just turn around like a chicken with nothing to show for it, trying to crawl myself back in the world steadily. But in that case I might end up wanting to kill myself whilst feeling exactly the same, and this process would begin again, so who knows really. So if any of you reading this are real, come, fight me. I'll beat you easily. HEREIN IS A FAIR PLAY RESIDING OVER ALL CREATION, it is so, it is fair, lmao Edited October 25, 2021 by lmfao Hark ye yet again — the little lower layer. All visible objects, man, are but as pasteboard masks. But in each event — in the living act, the undoubted deed — there, some unknown but still reasoning thing puts forth the mouldings of its features from behind the unreasoning mask. If man will strike, strike through the mask! How can the prisoner reach outside except by thrusting through the wall? To me, the white whale is that wall, shoved near to me. Sometimes I think there's naught beyond. But 'tis enough. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted October 25, 2021 (edited) The past few days I've reflected a bit on the warping of my perception which can happen through discord and technology use. What it actually happens through is insularity. Insularity could be constructed of various materials as far as I know, the boundaries of my vision and perception are such, but if it has a singular essence I'd like to know. Habits, seem to be, what's the word.... Imaginary? Empty? The word imaginary shouldn't be conflated with God here, I hardly know what I meant by the word. Empty is more on point. Edited October 25, 2021 by lmfao Hark ye yet again — the little lower layer. All visible objects, man, are but as pasteboard masks. But in each event — in the living act, the undoubted deed — there, some unknown but still reasoning thing puts forth the mouldings of its features from behind the unreasoning mask. If man will strike, strike through the mask! How can the prisoner reach outside except by thrusting through the wall? To me, the white whale is that wall, shoved near to me. Sometimes I think there's naught beyond. But 'tis enough. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted October 26, 2021 Sinking and sinking, ball after ball. Prior to thinking happening (blah blah _______). Echoes of anger struggling for recognition and expression, in conflict with my attention which seek further awareness through patience. Alimonies and ecclesiastical ceremonies are garbage mmmnnhhnhhjhjhjjujjjjjjjjhj mmjnhhghhhhmmmjhn throw a suicide party and I'm guaranteed to fucking snap, it's evilsonic, it's pornoholic. Breakdowns obscenities is all I wanna be. IF YOU'RE 555 I'M 666, WHAT'S IT LIKE TO BE A HERETIC. I'm thisssssss close to snapping I swear to fucking christ Ethan I'll turn this car around if you don't shut up. mmmmmmhhhhhhhh. Hark ye yet again — the little lower layer. All visible objects, man, are but as pasteboard masks. But in each event — in the living act, the undoubted deed — there, some unknown but still reasoning thing puts forth the mouldings of its features from behind the unreasoning mask. If man will strike, strike through the mask! How can the prisoner reach outside except by thrusting through the wall? To me, the white whale is that wall, shoved near to me. Sometimes I think there's naught beyond. But 'tis enough. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted October 28, 2021 (edited) Triggered by my own doormat-ness and other stuff, can I surrender my own insecurity about this is the question. This route of thinking will only lead me to be very judgemental and narrow minded towards those that don't deserve it. Sigh. It's a shit situation, but it is what it is, and to some extent it's my perspective. What am I supposed to do then, without crutch or pain pill in sight? I know one thing I don't want to do, because that's a shit conditioning and addiction of mine. MORE CRUELTY FARMING, IT'S FARMING ME FOR MORE CRUELTY, FUCK OFF PLEASE. Actually nvm, doesn't matter, fake concern, lmao Try the opposite approach fully then, boundless anger and reactivity Edited October 28, 2021 by lmfao Hark ye yet again — the little lower layer. All visible objects, man, are but as pasteboard masks. But in each event — in the living act, the undoubted deed — there, some unknown but still reasoning thing puts forth the mouldings of its features from behind the unreasoning mask. If man will strike, strike through the mask! How can the prisoner reach outside except by thrusting through the wall? To me, the white whale is that wall, shoved near to me. Sometimes I think there's naught beyond. But 'tis enough. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted October 28, 2021 (edited) Wondering what truth is or reality is enough, doing a lot of contemplation, the mind ends up being seen differently maybe. I can't formulate something like "what is truth" if the mind is not being attached to. I don't understand anything and cry instead, seeped in the nihilisms and solipsisms. What annoys me with the solipsism is seeing that I can't experience or be another person, and I can't let go my attachment or love for certain people, .... Anyway as this really is makes no sense, that's all I live in right now. Perception which makes no sense, and I venture out into the world now and then every other day yet I retreat back to this, not before going out again. Edited October 28, 2021 by lmfao Hark ye yet again — the little lower layer. All visible objects, man, are but as pasteboard masks. But in each event — in the living act, the undoubted deed — there, some unknown but still reasoning thing puts forth the mouldings of its features from behind the unreasoning mask. If man will strike, strike through the mask! How can the prisoner reach outside except by thrusting through the wall? To me, the white whale is that wall, shoved near to me. Sometimes I think there's naught beyond. But 'tis enough. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
