Posted May 19, 2021 (edited) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xm4VWvRcU9w https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rUhv1TUl-pE dakuse wa oni seigi wa nazo to The world of man is ogreish; what might justice be? tou mae ni aragae yo akutoku no hana Resist it before you ask that, oh flower of vice gizen no yume mishi me ni wa me o sashi Keep your eye on eyes that behold dreams of hypocrisy sei mo ja mo wakatareru koto nashi Without being able to distinguish between life and evil hikari wa tae taiji no you ni Just as how light is an aborted embryo kimi wa nemuru yami no shikyuu You are a womb of slumbering darkness kodoku koso itooshii Solitude: that is what is precious yuiitsu no mikata to naru darou It shall surely become your sole friend hitori hitori chishio ni mamire One by one, smeared with blood, kono jidai ni umareochita You were born into this era erabareshi oujira yo O, you chosen princes tatakai koso shukuan Battle: that is your celebratory throne aa ware wa uruwashi zenchi Ah, I am the beautiful omniscience ai no haha kimi o umu The loving mother who birthed you kono chichi ni hagukumishi mono wa Those reared on my milk are jigoku no harakara The brethren of hell mokushi no in shinri wa nanzo to The mudra of revelation; what might truth be? shiri mo sezu uzumoreshi intoku no tane The seeds of concealment buried away without knowing that moroha no ken nuku ha ni wa ha o muke Bare your blade to blades that are drawn double-edged mamoru beki mono dake o shinjite Believe only in those whom you must protect aru ga mama ni kimi wa kimi o hanate You will release yourself the way you are danmatsuma no sakebi o abite Shower in the screams of the agony of death ranjuku seshi kono sekai ni In this overripe world nomikomare i o sogare Mutilate those of your feelings that are understood tada ikiru shikabane no mure A flock of corpses that simply breathe sore wa kimi ga fumishidaku mono That is what you have trampled awaremu koto wa yasu keredo It is simple to to take pity, but sukuwarezu sukuwareru It is scooped out without hope of salvation uragiri no hito no michi The path of the one who betrays aa ware wa routashi bitoku Ah, I am the beautifully elegant virtue haha no ai kimi o hamu The mother's love that nourishes you kono hara ni haramitsuzukeru wa That which continues to ripen in my belly igyou no tsubasa ka Are they grotesque wings? gokushi no kagi shinjitsu wa ari ya The key to prison; might truth exist? sagase domo hate mo nashi konton no ori Though I seek it, there is no end to the cage of chaos shinban no ya iru te ni wa te o fure Touch your hand to hands that shoot arrows of judgment kyo to jitsu ga oremagarimajiwaru Lies and truth shall fold, twist and intersect yoakeru made kimi wa kimi ni insu You will lust after yourself until day breaks sakare yo sake yo Prosper and bloom chiriisogu koto na kare Without ever hurrying towards your fall mokushi no in shinri wa nanzo to The mudra of revelation; what might truth be? shiri mo sezu uzumoreshi intoku no tane The seeds of concealment buried away without knowing that moroha no ken nuku ha ni wa ha o muke Bare your blade to blades that are drawn double-edged mamoru beki mono dake o shinji yo Oh, believe only in those whom you must protect dakuse wa oni seigi wa izoko to The world of man is ogreish; where might justice be? tou yori ni sakihokore akutoku no hana Bloom with pride rather than asking that, oh flower of vice gizen no yume mishi me ni wa me o sashi Keep your eyes on eyes that behold dreams of hypocrisy sei mo shi mo kyoukai wa aru maji There is no church for either life or death saigo no toki kimi wa kimi ni junji You will make self-sacrifice to yourself at the final moment, subete o daki satoran Embrace everything, and attain enlightenment _ _ _ _ _ _ Perfect Edited May 19, 2021 by lmfao Hark ye yet again — the little lower layer. All visible objects, man, are but as pasteboard masks. But in each event — in the living act, the undoubted deed — there, some unknown but still reasoning thing puts forth the mouldings of its features from behind the unreasoning mask. If man will strike, strike through the mask! How can the prisoner reach outside except by thrusting through the wall? To me, the white whale is that wall, shoved near to me. Sometimes I think there's naught beyond. But 'tis enough. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted May 20, 2021 (edited) My mind was surging with very intense anxiety and fear over external circumstances and a situation. Now mind is more quiet and it's become more about sensations rather than labels of "fear" and "anxiety". The intense stress went somewhat "full circle" into focus. But now that mind has quietened down a bit, act. Constraints of pressure and time can become immaterial if you're in the zone, in the zone because you're detached and accept all outcomes. And maybe you don't make it, and that's okay. But either way, you are free to act. Edited May 20, 2021 by lmfao Hark ye yet again — the little lower layer. All visible objects, man, are but as pasteboard masks. But in each event — in the living act, the undoubted deed — there, some unknown but still reasoning thing puts forth the mouldings of its features from behind the unreasoning mask. If man will strike, strike through the mask! How can the prisoner reach outside except by thrusting through the wall? To me, the white whale is that wall, shoved near to me. Sometimes I think there's naught beyond. But 'tis enough. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted May 23, 2021 (edited) Sun 23/05/21 19:34 The impression that life is just a blank field. Nothing to do. No grander point to things, no meaning to anything. What would that make my life then? Nihilism is a bitter pill because, well, it's the truth, but also maybe because it's an uncomfortable seeing or regret about how you've wasted your life? I'm not sure exactly how I'm negative. Realise that there is absolutely no authority, no dictate, no code. This still hasn't sunk in and I don't act as so. Everyone is equal, everything is right, everything is free. Everyone is equal in because they can be unequal, everything is free because they can be enslaved, everything is right because it can be wrong? Is God a Libertarian then? _ _ _ Why am I afraid of nihilism? Because I'm afraid of death. Afraid of the realisation that I've wasted my life. The realisation or truth that I'm wasting my life (branch, slap awake vs neuroticism ) I feel as though I am not powerful enough to get the answers and experience I want. So, where do I find that power? Is that even the right way to put it? * _ _ _ Now, I would like the believe Mujtaba that you can still do it. Wander around a bit, enjoy and experience a few things. GOD'S A LIBERTARIAN GOD'S A LIBERTARIAN GOD'S A LIBERTARIAN GOD'S A LIBERTARIAN. WHAT AN INSANE MAD LAD. _ _ *Hmm. Why so dazed all the time? You look like you've seen a ghost. Spaced out. Trying to settle on a line eludes me | The words just don't come out. Old forms of thought aren't it. _ _ _ I hate but also need to somewhat relax with this state of consciousness I'm in. It feels eerily quiet in my head. Rather than thinking I feel much more non verbal. Undercurrent of panic because I feel like there isn't much of a self. Spaced out and dazed sometimes though. Edited May 23, 2021 by lmfao Hark ye yet again — the little lower layer. All visible objects, man, are but as pasteboard masks. But in each event — in the living act, the undoubted deed — there, some unknown but still reasoning thing puts forth the mouldings of its features from behind the unreasoning mask. If man will strike, strike through the mask! How can the prisoner reach outside except by thrusting through the wall? To me, the white whale is that wall, shoved near to me. Sometimes I think there's naught beyond. But 'tis enough. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted May 26, 2021 (edited) I'm wearing a t-shirt/pijama top that my mum bought me, on it is a small rainbow and "rainbows for our heroes" (It's some NHS propaganda). Now, I'm considering going for a walk or run outside. Normally, I'd wear this shirt, because this shirt is already used, and I won't get a fresh shirt dirty this way. However. I am embarrassed to be wearing it, social anxiety, etc. Embarrassed about wearing a rainbow and seeming queer to other people. I'm already feeling pretty deflated and unconfident in myself today. Some social anxiety thing whenever I go out to places. So then I beat myself up mentally for not being confident enough. The shirt isn't even that bad, it's moreso funny. My "pride" makes me unwilling to just go out and wear the shirt (well, some social anxiety thing). BUT, another aspect of my pride also makes me reluctant or hesitant to just take off the shirt, for then I admit I am a beta male, fearful and mediocre. But it's not good to be prideful like that. It leaves me locked and hesitant, less flexible and open. I think it reflects a lack of patience or neuroticism on my end; " unless I'm aiming for ideal from the get go, there's no point". Surrender your pride Mujtaba. Take off the shirt if you're anxious, you can wear it another time for fun. And if anyone ever laughs at it, well you'll probably laugh at it too and have a good retort. In fact, I want someone to comment on my shirt! Otherwise how can I use my joke! Such a pity. You're just socially anxious. But it does no good to be inflexible and beat yourself up. _ _ Pride is just.... _ _ Questions of the form "What is X?" have two interpretations. 1) What is X itself? 2) What objects posses the quality of X? Edited May 26, 2021 by lmfao Hark ye yet again — the little lower layer. All visible objects, man, are but as pasteboard masks. But in each event — in the living act, the undoubted deed — there, some unknown but still reasoning thing puts forth the mouldings of its features from behind the unreasoning mask. If man will strike, strike through the mask! How can the prisoner reach outside except by thrusting through the wall? To me, the white whale is that wall, shoved near to me. Sometimes I think there's naught beyond. But 'tis enough. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted May 28, 2021 (edited) This dissociation is so painful. Just ineffable breaking of perception, with there being indescribable airiness. This is why I've been drugging myself with technology and distraction. I'm entering territory where words fail me, where old sense-making is completely gone. I have no intrinsic logic or structure anymore, this hurts. This dissociation...I wonder if with this depression I've been suppressing some kind of "mania" this entire time. Anxiety and fear. That's what's filling you. Is this uncomfortable? Yes. What are the sensations really? The back of your head ("bindu visarga") was tingling today randomly before this. Unexpected energy changes? "You must change your state of being. You cannot change radically within the same state." I read this quote from Peter and it was aha. Struck a chord. So, get comfy with it. OR DON'T. lool So take off your shirt, open the window. Do what is unhabitual. What you desire is changed states and grace. Edited May 28, 2021 by lmfao Hark ye yet again — the little lower layer. All visible objects, man, are but as pasteboard masks. But in each event — in the living act, the undoubted deed — there, some unknown but still reasoning thing puts forth the mouldings of its features from behind the unreasoning mask. If man will strike, strike through the mask! How can the prisoner reach outside except by thrusting through the wall? To me, the white whale is that wall, shoved near to me. Sometimes I think there's naught beyond. But 'tis enough. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted June 1, 2021 I missed something obvious, or it feels like a mini insight clicked. Being authentic has absolutely nothing to do with manipulating the future. Wipe all concern and thinking about the future. Hark ye yet again — the little lower layer. All visible objects, man, are but as pasteboard masks. But in each event — in the living act, the undoubted deed — there, some unknown but still reasoning thing puts forth the mouldings of its features from behind the unreasoning mask. If man will strike, strike through the mask! How can the prisoner reach outside except by thrusting through the wall? To me, the white whale is that wall, shoved near to me. Sometimes I think there's naught beyond. But 'tis enough. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted June 3, 2021 (edited) Man. All I want is love, not in that way. I'm tired of straining and doing shit which doesn't matter or feel good. Going with the current. I feel sad, but it's fluid. I'm loving to myself. I feel gentle and kind. I should just keep going like this for this. The sadness turns into sweetness. Keep being -- The fact is, I'm completely lost in life. Surprised I haven't killed myself. "overcoming" this, I am to be. That phrases it as an activity which it isn't. Undercurrent of "fantasy" and denial, but that's senseless thought and nitpicking. Just pray and surrender and see what happens, not much else to say. The speaking of words never made much clearer for you. Edited June 4, 2021 by lmfao Hark ye yet again — the little lower layer. All visible objects, man, are but as pasteboard masks. But in each event — in the living act, the undoubted deed — there, some unknown but still reasoning thing puts forth the mouldings of its features from behind the unreasoning mask. If man will strike, strike through the mask! How can the prisoner reach outside except by thrusting through the wall? To me, the white whale is that wall, shoved near to me. Sometimes I think there's naught beyond. But 'tis enough. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted June 4, 2021 (edited) Identification with mind in a strained silence. Another pattern of pretending and unconsciousness. Taking off the mufflers of The Wired may end up being a long adjustment, may not be. I thought that I had had a realisation earlier today about aligning with "the field" or bigger picture rather than linear/specific, yet I'm in a strained and slightly unhappy silence. It's too quiet, but there's too much unnatural strain. Aaaaaaaaaa so what now Muj. First you have to admit that it's strain and painful rather than this pseudo-silence. Silence relative to constantly blasting my ears and eyes with content and noise, the boredom we all run away from. I'm trying to be more present, but that doesn't change mental strain. In fact I seem to confuse a retreat into my "mind" as being more present. Some pattern of fake silence, roboticness and dullness. It's fake, at least you can see that. It's fake!! My god it's fake. Jesus fucking christ it's fake! Don't forget! I'm sleepy but I wanted to write this down before I forget! A traveller from an antique land told me that the devil likes to make you sleepy when you're on to something. God damn is music weird, it really does absorb your perception and take you to another world. But what to do about this mind and this pattern I am biologically tired but not mood side Edited June 4, 2021 by lmfao Hark ye yet again — the little lower layer. All visible objects, man, are but as pasteboard masks. But in each event — in the living act, the undoubted deed — there, some unknown but still reasoning thing puts forth the mouldings of its features from behind the unreasoning mask. If man will strike, strike through the mask! How can the prisoner reach outside except by thrusting through the wall? To me, the white whale is that wall, shoved near to me. Sometimes I think there's naught beyond. But 'tis enough. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted June 6, 2021 God damn fucking nígger. Nígger nígger nígger nígger nígger. Kriya Yoga isn't what I need. I just put tape over my mouth, to breathe through my nose as default. That's the breathing I need. The way the breath in manipulated in KY hasn't felt good to me in a while. The key ain't shaped right. I don't need breath manipulation, just prayer and zen will suffice. -- Quote Over the nine mountains and eight seas and our earthly realm, there is nothing I cannot cut! I will cut through this brain fog, whatever it takes. I have that resolve. Looking in the mirror, had a small moment of instability when I felt disconnected from myself, but that's fine. It's nothing all in all. I'm merely facing the problem and not running away from the instability. So it is that the "I" may be fractured, lost in space and neurotic. I will stay determined and do what I can. I'll do whatever mercury chelation, do whatever diet, breakthrough whatever addiction, doesn't matter. Hark ye yet again — the little lower layer. All visible objects, man, are but as pasteboard masks. But in each event — in the living act, the undoubted deed — there, some unknown but still reasoning thing puts forth the mouldings of its features from behind the unreasoning mask. If man will strike, strike through the mask! How can the prisoner reach outside except by thrusting through the wall? To me, the white whale is that wall, shoved near to me. Sometimes I think there's naught beyond. But 'tis enough. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted June 12, 2021 (edited) I'm not sure what to do with my feelings and perception of loneliness. I perceive the world as hostile and unfriendly. Man. I remember exploding yesterday with an onslaught of memory and negative emotion out of nowhere. Something snapped, likely due to a culmination of stress and whatever other tension in me, and some repressed trauma/hurt came out. School shooter or joker vibes, hikikomori tier contempt and cynicism at people and society. Ofc this was always there in the dark parts, I just kinda forgot. Anyway so that's that. But what about right now? Haha. Can't back down ☂️. Cue theme music Its painful I suppose. I should force myself to disconnect and relax, maybe read something fun and interesting that has nothing to do with anything, but I'll be disconnected from the Interwebs Edited June 12, 2021 by lmfao Hark ye yet again — the little lower layer. All visible objects, man, are but as pasteboard masks. But in each event — in the living act, the undoubted deed — there, some unknown but still reasoning thing puts forth the mouldings of its features from behind the unreasoning mask. If man will strike, strike through the mask! How can the prisoner reach outside except by thrusting through the wall? To me, the white whale is that wall, shoved near to me. Sometimes I think there's naught beyond. But 'tis enough. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted June 20, 2021 Some narratives, images and words I've been carrying due to speech I've heard from David Hawkins, I feel that my thinking about it was negated. Now I should note that I'm seeing images, but not enter the image of thinking about avoiding images. Iconoclastic thinking doesn't feel right, it's a repetition. The chorus of this banger's playing in my head And the rain will kill us all Throw ourselves against the wall But no one else can see The preservation of the martyr in me Hark ye yet again — the little lower layer. All visible objects, man, are but as pasteboard masks. But in each event — in the living act, the undoubted deed — there, some unknown but still reasoning thing puts forth the mouldings of its features from behind the unreasoning mask. If man will strike, strike through the mask! How can the prisoner reach outside except by thrusting through the wall? To me, the white whale is that wall, shoved near to me. Sometimes I think there's naught beyond. But 'tis enough. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted June 27, 2021 (edited) My suicide is inevitable, I've been thinking. Was thinking, am thinking, will thinking, whatever. Who knows what will happen. Perhaps I can keep my eyes open and be with the grief, madness and low. Aaaahhhhh. Bah Humbug. Blah. I can do this Edited June 27, 2021 by lmfao Hark ye yet again — the little lower layer. All visible objects, man, are but as pasteboard masks. But in each event — in the living act, the undoubted deed — there, some unknown but still reasoning thing puts forth the mouldings of its features from behind the unreasoning mask. If man will strike, strike through the mask! How can the prisoner reach outside except by thrusting through the wall? To me, the white whale is that wall, shoved near to me. Sometimes I think there's naught beyond. But 'tis enough. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted July 3, 2021 (edited) Schrodinger's Fagg0t. Is that a dick or a dildo in my ass? I won't know untill someone tells me! That's my subjective experience! If I close my eyes, perhaps the shadow of nîgger can disappear and what can arise is the platonic ideal. I might get into journalling again, mostly on paper, just for the sake of reminding myself of tasks. Serious journalling and reflections is better done on paper, for I don't want the slightest degree of social perception and self-consciousness to taint what I write. Avocado, stretch, ACIM, tea, doesn't matter what order. Some sort of work out. I'll maybe do some my physics reading, "I'll punch that cu** Ta{beep} in the face". Woah, take a chill pill, M. Above all else, you can do this. Thy will be done on earth as it is on heaven. Okay. Edit: Honestly, I've had up to here with both myself, my family, and how I handle my family. Thoughts and feelings of vindictiveness, spite and withdrawal arise for me, but I must instead just listen to the signal of rage instead of being consumed by it. Listen to the signals. I dislike this part of me which does not want to forgive or reconcile. But I first must own it. No words no thoughts can save me or offer consolation. I'm pissed off and fed up. Something David Hawkins said. Every moment, one has to make a decisions/intention. You are never not making a decision. My decision to say nothing or do nothing is still an inner decision, compared to saying or doing X thing. _ _ _ __ _ _ Further edit: In the off chance I ever decide to end it all, know this. I didn't give rat's ass about spiritual this or spiritual that, weird belief this or weird belief that. I did it because I was tired, frustrated, and saw no reason to live I'm seriously trying to think, contemplate about this and reason it out, whether I should kill myself, but all I get from Google are helplines and empty platitudes. It doesn't help that I get a 403 error whenever I try to access that website which had people contemplating this topic honestly alongside methods. I don't know a contextualisation which makes any of this okay, no abstraction or myth or narrative could make the meaningless any better. My passions and joys are gone, and I find no ability to express myself. Two years ago, I was this close to ordering that substance. Nitrous something something, I can't remember the name. Why didn't I click order? Would it not have been better for me? At least that way my family would have a more convenient time to process my death. Now is a rather inconvenient time, and it would be a very asshole move. If I ever do go through with this, I have to leave some good notes or words at the very least, with whatever apology. I met a couple of more people in the last two years, and the ripple of my selfishness would unfortunately spread further. I'll do anything to escape this hell, that's the only conviction I can feel right now. Failing and failing, over and over again. I'm not even that energetic in this consideration of suicide inherently, but when I find myself slipping into my haze of sleepiness and dullness right now, I will myself to think and jolt awake. I refuse to just let the clock run out and have the same patterns repeat again and again. _ _ _ _ The people of my religion and others like david r hawkins said that the date of your death is pre-determined; but if I do a suicide attempt, and then if that is successful, I'd have proved them wrong. But if I fail, well then, I can only laugh, and the joke's on my ass. _ _ _ But the question still stands, how am I to reasonably contemplate and consider this decision? Google results of helplines and whatever other generic garbage, that's hardly a dialogue or consideration. I land at this point again and again, "should I kill myself?". I land at the reality and meaningless of my situation again and again. The same problems again and again. What is happiness and how is it formed for people? Loving companions and friends? Maybe a passionate life purpose? Or is it just the correct balance of neurotransmitters for a state of consciousness? Someone could want to drug me up with whatever SSRI'S, but I refuse that track. It solves nothing. You can gas me up with chemicals of bliss and euphoria and I'd still be miserable, for my depression and angst has psychological and spiritual roots. There's no rush, not right now anyway. I can always grab the rope a year later or at the end of this year. I feel better after typing this all out, and I need to give this all more time to swirl around in my consciousness and see what happens. I remember coming across a 22 year old fellow online who told me, that if he hadn't finished university, spent a year in the army and then got a job by the time he was 27, he'd kill himself. He said it so nonchalantly and casually. If he hadn't got his life together by 27 "(job, house, gf)", he'd grab the rope I found that very bizzare and couldn't understand. How could someone conditionally plan for their suicide in the far future?! That's far too abstract. If you're suicidal, you feel the emergency emotion to do it right away don't you?!! But now I understand that man a little more, and I finally understand what he meant. Very funny, and I now feel more connection to that random man then anyone in the world. But that's still too abstract and cerebral to me, for I prefer a blaze of glory and an emotional high before things end. All I'd need to do is play the right musical tracks before my send off. Edited July 3, 2021 by lmfao Hark ye yet again — the little lower layer. All visible objects, man, are but as pasteboard masks. But in each event — in the living act, the undoubted deed — there, some unknown but still reasoning thing puts forth the mouldings of its features from behind the unreasoning mask. If man will strike, strike through the mask! How can the prisoner reach outside except by thrusting through the wall? To me, the white whale is that wall, shoved near to me. Sometimes I think there's naught beyond. But 'tis enough. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted July 6, 2021 (edited) Leaving my house a few more times, visiting different places, socialising a bit, I realise how ignorant and limited I still am. The connotations of that isn't the way to put it, and in fact it would be an error. I have a hidden or implicit belief that I am still a child who doesn't have a valid or worthwhile perspective on things, and so that is not what I mean at all by ignorance. ^^This is the key error you've made before. My ignorance comes in how I relate to the world, what fears and beliefs have shaped me and define me. I have a problem interfacing with the world, {especially in regard to "normies"} . And I've just buried that problem and ignored it by shutting myself in. I shan't shut myself in, but neither am I to fall into my old patterns. That is the supposed or apparent double bind of mine. Perhaps the purpose of being a borderline shut in for so many months was for me to have a break, and then be presented the option to choose differently when the situation arises again. Who knows, that's all just narrative. _ _ Get clarity on this. The strangest and silliest of things bind your identity, neurotic self-consciousness and behaviour with others. Take hold of this and realise this, see it. This might seemingly go deep in life story, at least as far as the narratives and images that come up. Another thread to realise is how you struggle to interact with a world which seems so alien.... Look out for differentiable threads that get tangled and mixed up together. _ _ _ Part of me still wishes I had it in me to commit suicide. It seems the only reason I could do that is to deny or escape reality. I would leave a note saying "Sorry I did this, I just couldn't accept or acknowledge reality". I'd rather live in the world of fantasy, anime and music. But what's a niggger to do, I'm here in reality aren't I... Feeling some dimensions of emotion today. In a good way. My life is a joke, can someone just pull the plug already. My arms are crossed and I'm pouting like an angry toddler. Having the impression that I was wearing clown makeup the entire time makes me angry. Mhhhhhhhhh I'm so fucking angry. Alright I'm angry. Now what. NOW WHAT. ANYONE. SOMEONE. KILL ME [Had to hide a post because it wasn't me who wrote it and I didn't get much value from it just pasting and looking at it here. Sleepy af, thinking that rereading that post mattered, thinking that altering and edited it mattered for future reflections. I'm a massive fraud and liar. No that's not it exactly. I was trapped in fantasy land, where I wanted to pretend I have certain qualities of intelligence or sacred powers that I don't have. Or I thought that by ruminating over and (trying to, as well as, ) plagiarising brilliance/genius I would get closer to that point ]** But boy oh boy is it a narrative that the cost will be paid. Or maybe realistic cause and effect. Who knows. Does the criticism "your rhetoric detectors are too overtuned" land or resonate? Not really. Actually, maybe kinda someone could say. I'm fast to dismiss things? **Remember this point if you ever get into writing or reading properly. You can't copy and regurgitate. Even emulation should be done with caution. Edited July 6, 2021 by lmfao Hark ye yet again — the little lower layer. All visible objects, man, are but as pasteboard masks. But in each event — in the living act, the undoubted deed — there, some unknown but still reasoning thing puts forth the mouldings of its features from behind the unreasoning mask. If man will strike, strike through the mask! How can the prisoner reach outside except by thrusting through the wall? To me, the white whale is that wall, shoved near to me. Sometimes I think there's naught beyond. But 'tis enough. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted July 6, 2021 (edited) You've slept off some of the brain fog and have awoken. The dust has settled. I feel certainty now in the direction of my transformation. Its a deep dive into the shadow, becoming an adult and an actual person. I have a hunch, intuition, more certain than just a fantasy now. The fruits of actualisation are far, but I understand now. Obviously the daily routine must change. The diet is first. Change in physical appearance like loosing weight are an aid. ... Abandon the David R Hawkins model. Forget about models of selfishness and selflessness. However, I fundamentally still don't know how to handle the shadow which I dive into. It's the direction I must go. I have to stop resisting the feeling of it, is an under looked at facet. Keep doing ACIM. There is no contradiction. You can see that God has already layed out before you the supporting structures and leg work of your path. It was done automatically, "it was the culmination and peak of everything you held in mind" - no, I can't take credit. Everything can only happen of its own accord, "I" alone am powerless perhaps? -- Back now to practical considerations. Avocado and egg for 1 meal today... Idk about after that. You know which two people to humbly turn to if you want to learn how to cook in general. Blessed. Alright there's no getting round it bro, you're gonna have to get off your ass and exercise. Amp that testosterone and physical form game. Edited July 6, 2021 by lmfao Hark ye yet again — the little lower layer. All visible objects, man, are but as pasteboard masks. But in each event — in the living act, the undoubted deed — there, some unknown but still reasoning thing puts forth the mouldings of its features from behind the unreasoning mask. If man will strike, strike through the mask! How can the prisoner reach outside except by thrusting through the wall? To me, the white whale is that wall, shoved near to me. Sometimes I think there's naught beyond. But 'tis enough. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted July 8, 2021 (edited) A thought is a thought. I'm munching and eating these fennel seeds but they've gone stale and they hardly taste bitter anymore. If they're not bitter are they still working? The clustering of dots, the propensities, they're not in my favour! If I want to break my habits of addiction and laziness, I can only start now. Make contracts such as "You can listen to this tekking101 video whilst you do your posture exercises". But that alone isn't enough. The mind always desires more and more.One can't just omit the bad, they must chase the good! Your eyes, they are strained. Give them a rest from computer. Edited July 8, 2021 by lmfao Hark ye yet again — the little lower layer. All visible objects, man, are but as pasteboard masks. But in each event — in the living act, the undoubted deed — there, some unknown but still reasoning thing puts forth the mouldings of its features from behind the unreasoning mask. If man will strike, strike through the mask! How can the prisoner reach outside except by thrusting through the wall? To me, the white whale is that wall, shoved near to me. Sometimes I think there's naught beyond. But 'tis enough. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted July 9, 2021 (edited) Friday 23:41 09/07/2021 Writing date and time again, this will be a more faggy entry....I supposedly "came out on top", I won, I received praise for my social victory. And I didn't realise this happened until it was over and other people thanked me. I felt like I had some things released by catharsis from my psyche.... I felt at peace, I felt high. However, I'm in inner disharmony. I unintentionally get praised as a mini-hero in this political game, but I feel unsatisfied and empty. What's worse, now people may look up to me as some sort of leader or figurehead for the "group", for I represented them and their feelings in that situation. I DON'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT THE TRIBE... I don't want to be the figurehead for the tribe or group. I'm afraid that if you saw the real me, politics would force that you disavow me, and it would be painful for all of us involved. Getting the spotlight and admiration like this, it isn't good. If I act riskily and on my whims, it will incur negative consequences for my friends, and so I don't wish for that. But perhaps I can find some sort of peace or resolution if I keep digging, keep being honest. Fuck politics. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh. What should I do. I just have to stop resisting these conflicting thoughts and feelings. I should talk to ______ about my feelings and thoughts honestly at some point.... You were shaking with anxiety during that confrontation, but you went through it anyway and said what you needed to say....You went through the fear and pushed through......But now the consequences are this. Situations keep changing and evolving in ways I can't keep track of. Let go of narratives that you are either a victim or tragic hero. You are ultimately free, and that's the truth you'll find all sorts of narratives to deny. You are free in both your actions and how you feel about situations. - - Edit: I feel at peace, I just wish I could punch those cunts in the face, sigh. Does this mean I am yet to improve or grow? Am I to forgive and love the enemy? Conflicting feelings. I don't want to go all faǵ mode for a bunch of power hungry nîggers....Maybe I should reach out and establish communication or say something to them? No. First of all, the current impulse to reach out is falsehood and programming. What you must do is work on letting go and resolving the feeling in your heart and mind first. Edited July 10, 2021 by lmfao Hark ye yet again — the little lower layer. All visible objects, man, are but as pasteboard masks. But in each event — in the living act, the undoubted deed — there, some unknown but still reasoning thing puts forth the mouldings of its features from behind the unreasoning mask. If man will strike, strike through the mask! How can the prisoner reach outside except by thrusting through the wall? To me, the white whale is that wall, shoved near to me. Sometimes I think there's naught beyond. But 'tis enough. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted July 15, 2021 (edited) I had a somewhat leisurely 2 week respite from the demons plaguing my mind, but my break is somewhat over. I have to get back to doing my university report/project or else I won't graduate { also, the family is re-united in a clusterfuck of shit and arguing} I find myself contemplating and feeling the rock bottom. This feeling, not sure what to call it or how to look at it. That acknowledgement and introspection seems to have suddenly slowed down its grip over me. I'm on my phone, in this flat, with nothing else on me. I just have to wait till I feel sleepy, and then I sleep. Untill then, maybe I can meditate {for the first time in weeks} I think the key point to take away for you is this. Even if this neurotic energy fades and dissolves a bit, you should use these periods of time that you descend into darkness are learning opportunities. You get plunged into the shadow/unconscious when you don't work with it and make it you. When I act like a pseudo delta-male, and act like a doormat kid again, the shadow bubbles up, and now I'm here. Angry and insane energies dominating my mind. Your anger, contempt, arrogance, lust, sadism, you have to create a bridge between it and your normal persona/ego. Otherwise you'll keep exploding into mood cycles of pseudo-nice and anti-social rage. The shadow will keep haunting you untill you decide to make it you. So let it be, Mujtaba. Let your anger become you, let your hate become you, let your arrogance become you, let your desire/possessiveness become you, let your sadism become you. I keep doing ACIM, but I'm not sure if it's the opposite path. What if ACIM is more pseudo-sacrosanct bullshit? I'll maybe ask or talk to people familiar with ACIM, or people who are into letting go --- It's getting very hard to "know yourself" really. Trying to ascertain your character. It's times and situations like these that I see the fine lines and differences between people and myself. Even if me and another person seem very similar, there are differences which may seem small, but end up precipitating completely different paths and outlooks on life. These small differences and fine lines end up having a world of meaning. And so it is now, I make a prayer. For honesty, and proficiency in expression NB: Remember later on, either pen or digitally, reflect on issue of communication in regards to use of the word "I". Edited July 15, 2021 by lmfao Hark ye yet again — the little lower layer. All visible objects, man, are but as pasteboard masks. But in each event — in the living act, the undoubted deed — there, some unknown but still reasoning thing puts forth the mouldings of its features from behind the unreasoning mask. If man will strike, strike through the mask! How can the prisoner reach outside except by thrusting through the wall? To me, the white whale is that wall, shoved near to me. Sometimes I think there's naught beyond. But 'tis enough. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted July 15, 2021 10 hours ago, lmfao said: I have to get back to doing my university report/project or else I won't graduate What are you studying in university? Is it your Life Purpose, or part of it? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted July 15, 2021 9 hours ago, Vision said: What are you studying in university? Is it your Life Purpose, or part of it? Physics. And no it isn't. I thought I would be a math/physics academic before I started my degree, turns out I don't enjoy the subject so much now Hark ye yet again — the little lower layer. All visible objects, man, are but as pasteboard masks. But in each event — in the living act, the undoubted deed — there, some unknown but still reasoning thing puts forth the mouldings of its features from behind the unreasoning mask. If man will strike, strike through the mask! How can the prisoner reach outside except by thrusting through the wall? To me, the white whale is that wall, shoved near to me. Sometimes I think there's naught beyond. But 'tis enough. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
