Posted March 5, 2021 (edited) Thursday 04/03/2021 +1 00:31 My mind is overflowing with thoughts that no one can satisfy. But if this is where I belong, I won't be satisfied. None of this is good enough, surely. Surely? What would good enough even mean is the question? Death is the only certainty, meaninglessness undeniable. The Mind's inherent state is silence, and thought is just....I don't know. From how and why does it arise? THE MOMENT YOU LOOK AT IT, IT'S GONE. What does that make it? This may be suppression with extra steps, but I for brief moments I feel like you can "choose" not to think? Okay so one specific thing I meant by that is that certain thoughts and sentences come to mind, but the moment they spring up, they evaporate and no longer feel apt or necessary to express. it's like seeing things in their inception, but doing it at the very level from which I can type this sentences and logic is to be in thought in that way. I feel my progress too slow. This just isn't good enough. More sentences came to mind to type but silence feels better. Digital writing might not be best format. Hand feels better. Will see Edited March 5, 2021 by lmfao Hark ye yet again — the little lower layer. All visible objects, man, are but as pasteboard masks. But in each event — in the living act, the undoubted deed — there, some unknown but still reasoning thing puts forth the mouldings of its features from behind the unreasoning mask. If man will strike, strike through the mask! How can the prisoner reach outside except by thrusting through the wall? To me, the white whale is that wall, shoved near to me. Sometimes I think there's naught beyond. But 'tis enough. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted March 7, 2021 (edited) Saturday 06/03/2021 +1 05:18 I had the most odd occurrence for me. I was just watching porn and masturbating when for no reason I consciously sense, I'm crying a bit. Just a downpour from my left eye. I didn't feel much, I'm just like wondering why I was crying. Maybe I had slight tinges of sadness, and it just expressed itself rather than building up? After the session or mid way though, i stopped tearing up. My gut is telling me that it meant something. Perhaps as the sadness was arising and bubbling in my experience, it instantly became crying. And usually I have to feel a lot more sad before I cry. Either way, I have no clue. Maybe my crying was my suppressed shame? Or was it tears of forgiveness for myself? Either way, it feels in rhythm with something important. -- Another thing to reflect on is food today. I was starving. I put some fish in the oven. As the fish is in the oven, my hunger disappears and I could have comfortably gone to sleep.... I force myself to eat it since it was already cooking. Why did my hunger disappear? I'm not complaining, it's good, but how can I distinguish real from false hunger then. -- Ofc the other thing to remember to reflect upon is friendship, and the thread I made. Then through that brief detour I will go onto something else. Still a floating nothing. I will do more handwriting inquiry tomorrow as well. Now I'm just knocked out, gn Edited March 7, 2021 by lmfao Hark ye yet again — the little lower layer. All visible objects, man, are but as pasteboard masks. But in each event — in the living act, the undoubted deed — there, some unknown but still reasoning thing puts forth the mouldings of its features from behind the unreasoning mask. If man will strike, strike through the mask! How can the prisoner reach outside except by thrusting through the wall? To me, the white whale is that wall, shoved near to me. Sometimes I think there's naught beyond. But 'tis enough. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted March 10, 2021 There is the fear of low consciousness. I fear that I must "let go and surrender" a thought otherwise I will suffer. I fear I must not identify with what I think for then I will be lost. This is my response to people like David Hawkins or simplistic optimists. Perhaps that hypocrisy is the birth of "satanism". "The delicate balance of left and right". This is an extension of listening to and believing what other people have to say about truth. Forever the end is near. I wasted it all. Fermentry be damned. Silly Sybil sold slaves. I need a gibberish text dump. The battle to be fought won't be at the level at which there is this level of writing. Doesn't mean this level won't be present. Inseparable and undistinguishable are the words and the awareness that holds them. Framings, contexts, those are always in motion dynamics. -- My nose won't stop being runny and my throat hurts, maybe I have covid or just flu. Jesus fucking christ it just keeps coming. Paleontologist Ross Geller vs Phoebe debating evolution sums up pretty well the essence of much conflict and argument. Phoebe points out Ross as emotionally immature and unable to accept and let someone else be. Phoebe can respect Ross but not vice versa. Be like Phoebe ( ignoring plot developments in the same episode which show Phoebe being dumb) -- Always still including this level, expressions of intention are here. But here does not contain intention and space for the reason stated above. Time to sleep this flu is killing me Hark ye yet again — the little lower layer. All visible objects, man, are but as pasteboard masks. But in each event — in the living act, the undoubted deed — there, some unknown but still reasoning thing puts forth the mouldings of its features from behind the unreasoning mask. If man will strike, strike through the mask! How can the prisoner reach outside except by thrusting through the wall? To me, the white whale is that wall, shoved near to me. Sometimes I think there's naught beyond. But 'tis enough. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted March 11, 2021 Wed 10/03/2021 +1 04:02 Having forced myself to overwork in maths that way I did before and used to, I encountered that intense frustration and barricade that's put me off ever doing this sort of work again. My energy of irritation and frustration is intensely high, I fell into that habit of pushing down all feeling. Resistance to letting go of frustration, fear arises. "What if I don't pass?" "What if I fail?" "What if I have to repeat a year?" " What if I drop out of university with no passion or degree?".... Maybe, but that's fine. So what if I do. Freedom means being at the level of choice, being at the level of acting on feeling and instinct. I can see these things as less than hurdles but more as optional challenges. Because when scared, ones approach becomes narrow and you're inefficient. The energy of frustration and irritation is an all-time high. Extremely concentrated, not just saying that. This is part of my energy of trauma, from all those times I overworked and overthought about math. But this is my chance to face it, now that I've remembered. My arm muscles are randomly twitching. -- Ever since I was 7 I probably made math a part of my identity. It was the only thing adults complemented me on. Then when I was 17 or 18 applying for university, I was obsessed with math during that time. I thought I was gonna become a theoretical physicist researcher for a living. Sometime after I went to uni studying theoretical physics, it all lost it's charm and magic for me. It used to be lively and bubbly, but then it became rigid and boring with little flavour. That purely autistic super left brain logical thinking grew tyrannical and became a complex. Even though I find it limiting and enslaving, I kept forcing myself to learn more and more. I voluntarily learned more and more, even though I didn't enjoy it. It was a superficial pattern or habit which derived enjoyment? I made math and physics my identity at some point, and although I verbally disavow it and to other people, the pattern is still in my mind. After typing this I now realise that what truly lies beyond the fear and irritation is a sort of sadness ( I'm crying right now). But it's a beautiful and nostalgic sadness. Maths was a big part of my life and I'll always be grateful to them....but at some point it became something else, and my brain was never really suited to it. I'm not detailed and left brained enough for that anymore. Whilst moving forward in my life I am saying good bye to you maths, I am grateful. I feel slightly regretful that this will perhaps end in sour terms as I force myself to finish this degree, but I won't forget how you shaped and helped me growing up. -- Having lost my passion for maths some time ago, I've been aimless. Engaging that old pattern of thinking is like purposely trying to de-evolve, and getting intense discomfort in the process all to achieve nothing. And I feel grief and sadness to have lost my joy there, I think.....But it all makes sense, I've never truly been a mathematician at heart. I was, but what I was always first and foremost was a philosopher at heart. The sadness it's.... sweet and wistful. Wistful is the right word. I don't know what I'm really feeling. Do I still love you? I don't know. I just remember all those lovely memories and times. I remember when I was in the zone, on fire. What am I now? Who am I now? The real reason I pushed myself to such depths of hell with overwork and misery was because I was love with that memory and wistful dream. And I cry, wishing I could relieve and get those times back once more...No it wasn't the fact that it was math alone which defines that beauty and joy. It was the music I would listen to, anime, impressions and emotions I got from that as well. Do I still love you? Yes, but all changes. That part of me which clings and clings, its time to pioneer and enter new lands. But I am nostalgic and probably always will be, and thats perfect and okay. NB: A part of me is nostalgic and broods on emotions, feelings and impressions deeply. And I think that's what it means to be in love with myself. When I use the word "brooding": letting an emotion or impression swirl around in me, cook and soak in. Just sitting on it, appreciating it and engaging it. By brooding I often mean the stillness of trying to get more abstracted/psychic, but sometimes its better to be the dynamism and divergence of a sprouting sapling which expands with power I was talking to my old high school friend. I told me recently that when we were both 13/14, he thought that at I would have studied something like psychology at university, until my obsession with math/physics became apparent later on. The thought never crossed my mind about psychology, but its funny looking back to realise how right he was (He's an INFJ). Hark ye yet again — the little lower layer. All visible objects, man, are but as pasteboard masks. But in each event — in the living act, the undoubted deed — there, some unknown but still reasoning thing puts forth the mouldings of its features from behind the unreasoning mask. If man will strike, strike through the mask! How can the prisoner reach outside except by thrusting through the wall? To me, the white whale is that wall, shoved near to me. Sometimes I think there's naught beyond. But 'tis enough. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted March 15, 2021 (edited) Sunday 14/03/2021, +1 00:25 I'm feeling drained af. I've been mediating explosive arguments between my two siblings today and I'm exhausted. I'm 20. I have a brother who is 28, sister is 30. They have so much internal built up frustration with each other that its gotten to the point they explode or argue from small situations, like playing board games, taking this video for my mum on mother's day, watching tv and etc. But its only in recent weeks and months they've properly communicated, or things reached a certain climax point of having to be honest (and explosive) with dialogue. Being a part time therapist/mediator rn.... ________________________________________________ MBTI wise, my brother is INTJ and my sister is ESFP (arguably almost semi ESFJ). Even those funny labels aside, they really are polar opposites from each other and keep clashing. To now talk a bit about them, the perceptions they have of each other, and also negative extremes that I see My brother in general. A very logical as well as conscientious guy. His cognition is very much understanding the future trajectories and trends of things after calculating everything, and planning for the future. He likes to analyse things in terms of outcomes, results, efficiency, etc. He overthinks and plans like crazy. He's doing very well with cryptocurrency trading as side job, because he's meticulous and understands where a thing is going overall. But he's great to talk to and enjoy random shit with. He can be a defensive and prickly guy to talk to. Whenever you want to debate something in a conflict or disagreement scenario, he'll always start his sentences with a "But" or a "No, but" and can be less explicitly accommodating or accepting in this sense. Maybe he'll say "Yes but" and he will give some signal he understands the other point, but he isn't very warm or lax like that generally. He's very taut. It might not sound like much, but it is definitely a thing. That said, I love my brother, I get along with him very well, have very good conversations and bonding with him. -- My sister, she's very lively and an in the moment person. Spontaneous, honest, silly. Coming along side that is a brashness, impulsivity. But she's also extremely empathetic and cares about people a lot. She's very maternal and she's almost like a second mum to me. She's 10 years older than me and she sees me as her baby. Although I'm 20 she still sees me as a baby. But her spontaneity, loudness, impulsivity, honesty/bluntness and etc can get perceived as annoying from my brother. Me personally, I love her bubbliness, although I have had it often the case that if I'm doing something with her, she's very impatient and wants immediate results, and she will be very pushy and persistent till she gets her way. One dark or shadowy side to her is that because she cares and does so much for her family and friends, she expects a level of reciprocation that can perhaps be seen as forceful and undermining of individuality and personal space. e.g. Often wanting you to drop what you're doing and help with something. I should add that my sister is also very logically intelligent, sensitive and reflects on things. She's sensitive things, and a lot of the bulk of today was her breaking down and crying in response to constantly feeling she has to walk on eggshells around my brother, who she perceives as grumpy and unwelcoming __________________________________________________ I get along and love both of them, its just a pain and I'm exhausted from mediating them. For the first 1 hour, I was patient and cool. 2 and 3 hours in, I'm face palming and rubbing my eyes lmao, but I'm still doing and saying what I think is constructive and true. I see things going around in circles, just explosions and etc over petty things. I cannot as an outsider or 3rd person deconstruct things simply, because things have gotten to a point where they get triggered and heated over small things. They've both run of out patience, and its only recently in life they've started a real and proper dialogue, which starts off with all the pent up emotions coming out _________ This snowballed from decisions I made. After an initial skirmish my siblings had in the evening ( I was there), I was very uncomfortable and was about to go into mode of withdrawal. I decided to oppose that fear and conditioning, and go talk to my brother for a bit to make him feel better and discuss things (my sister was away). Then when my sister got home, my brother decided to apologise, and then they had a dialogue, but that turned extremely explosive and I felt that for my own peace of mind I had to intervene and mediate, calming and bringing everyone together. Maybe not so much about bringing people together, but about bringing out the full potential for truth and honesty I could get from both parties. Of all things I am, I am not a very empathising person, but I will be there or feel compelled to do what I feel is "right" (it's not that I think in terms of morality or anything like that, I mean right in terms of my instinct). And my mind will keep bugging me and bugging me until I do the right, honest or authentic thing my gut says I should. Whether that means I'm an asshole, antagonist or in this case mediator depending on the situation. If I don't act on my gut for honesty/authenticity, I will torture myself with a mental hell of fear, in limbo until I do it This is all just something to take on the chin and just relaxedly rest from. I'm exhausted, and I'll learn from it. Fully feel all my fear and anxiety. Edited March 15, 2021 by lmfao Hark ye yet again — the little lower layer. All visible objects, man, are but as pasteboard masks. But in each event — in the living act, the undoubted deed — there, some unknown but still reasoning thing puts forth the mouldings of its features from behind the unreasoning mask. If man will strike, strike through the mask! How can the prisoner reach outside except by thrusting through the wall? To me, the white whale is that wall, shoved near to me. Sometimes I think there's naught beyond. But 'tis enough. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted March 16, 2021 (edited) Monday 15/03/2021, 23:00 What can I do, write, say, think, examine, explore to make a difference? I don't know the thing to be changed nor the difference to be made, if the knowledge matters anyway. Discipline, forcing, deprivation, "masculine vs feminine" I have addiction. If I stop masturbating, then the urge comes up, and I feel like I'm depriving myself. Don't eat the unhealthy food I want, urge comes up, and I feel like I'm being deprived. Becoming like an upset and angry child who feels deprived. What's the way to go? "Gentle vs forcing". How does one discipline when there's strong feelings of upset in doing so? Something feeling very significant just came to mind... In me has been the drive achieve something, get some goal, perfect some thing, ambition to reach something high. If I'm honest, I probably got the drive/incentive when I was younger out of a desire to please or make my dad proud. Until just now I don't think I ever acknowledged it or thought of it that way. This insight has probably come to mind before but I forgot about it. Forgetfulness, distraction, amazing defence mechanisms. "I feel a certain type of scare and fear in examining this", ofc those are labels about what I'm feeling but....it's the truth here. Maybe this is the last thing I'd want to let go of..."how could I?". I always want more. Before that thing came to mind, I thought this was gonna be a long verbal inquiry, but perhaps that shortened my search time to the essence? Rarely is it that a thought strikes such an internal/buried chord, I can feel this is definitely something important. But if I have no desire or ambition or goals, then what am I or why am I here? Perhaps what being looked at is not all forms of motivation in of in themselves, just removing this particular thorn and now this thorn is replicating and hosting in thoughts. I fear oblivion. Ugh I'm still lost, but im not sure if Im just saying that so I can move on and distract myself from this....Also, I hate my dad. But its moreso funny -- Ugh, but where does that leave me or what I'm supposed to do. Is this the reason I no longer mediate or listen to people like Alan Watts in a long time? Out of an ego backlash of not wanting to surrender? Even now I'm not sure of if I shall or what surrender means, and in saying that I'm trying to replicate the method of other people who use that word and language. Lack of flow and concentration is/of ___ . Slow it down. Where does thinkingness, motion come from? So I might be more in the present moment now for some time but present is forcing to stay in the present "Stay in the moment" "Don't lose the focus" "Don't lose the flow" and the flow get confused with the repetition of return. THE BIG PROBLEM IS THAT THE MOMENT YOU SEEK TO DESCRIBE AND TALK ABOUT IT ITS ALREADY GONE. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA`A`A`A`A`AQA`AA`AAAAA`ZAZ`A`AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASZ`AZASAZHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. OBHBOHBIYOBOUVYIBVIP. THOUGHTS ABOUT THE SINGULARITY OF MAYA ARE STILL MAYA. I feel a familiar feeling which has been lost for a while now. Image is coming to mind of 16 year old me in the shower in the black-tiled bathroom, listening to Sam Harris "Waking Up" audio. Why was I so happy then and had dimensions of emotions not normally here? Why do I feel an alien to my own past? What happened? Who am I? What am I? I want it back.... The catalogue of impressions and fractured DPDR self-history and continuity/familiarity with past, thats the description of whats going on. When did I start feeling this way. Did this blackhole happen before or after that time in 2nd year when I abruptly stopped taking anti-depressants? What were the emotions I can feel back in 1st year uni despite being suicidal then? Ahhh its driving my crazy, my disconnection and alienation from that. What happened and what am I. Not having that dimension/feeling structure is the same as losing memory of it. All of a sudden just now I can remember faint whiffs of it, and I miss it. Why is that? Do I lack it? Is it to be reconnected with? KLOI[JP[NPIBO[U09JONBPJOPNPNIPHUBHIPUBIPHUBHIPBHPIUBP jnkjnjknkjnj When did I lose that dimension/structure, where, why and how? Remember when you were 13, Mujtaba, and you prayed to Allah, 100% believing in his infinite mercy and infinite goodness. Remember that bliss and feeling like a walking Jesus Christ? Where and what am I now? Did that happen at all? Why is gone. Remember when you stared at your homework diary calendar during spring time in year 9 2014, and decided that you'd put off thinking of religion for a while? Staring at the open blank pages for April was I? Remember when you were in Pakistan in December 2013, the religiosity and peace of mind you had? Remember what then happened in 2016? You went to Saudi Arabia in Mecca and Medina, reflected on Islam for one last real time, and realised very consciously you believed none of it. Then you went to Pakistan, and entered a black hole of psychological and spiritual depression. You discovered TJ Kirk, sleep on that Charpai next to the bathroom, Khurram Bai got shocked when you used up 2GB of internet so quickly. In Dec 2013 in pakistan, it was then you would listen to Nouman Ali Khan videos on YouTube when lying down in that room. %$£%^ your sister would sleep in that room sometimes as well? Was it 2013 or 2016 in Pakistan when you stared at the ceiling in your parents room, lying in bed, realising the existential dread of heaven and hell being forever? Heaven forever seemed scary for it was forever. This was definitely 2013 im pretty sure. Has my IQ and intelligence decreased compared to when I was 13 and 16? My life is one crazy fucking trip and idk wtf is going on. My sanity teeters on the edge of psychosis, but psychosis never happened. When did you transition from atheist to non-duality and zen dude? If my history and past is correct, I only actually got formally depressed at the end of 2017, and it as at this time I joined the actualised forum? "Blackhole" (in this context), when the experience of suffering and hell is so great that you dissociate to such unbelievably large degrees that the line between mental and physical is unknown, real and unreal breaks, where your mental noise and state completely overwrites the external world and you BLACKOUT from your experience. Suffering and pain so large that my memory blacked out, and I'm confused, dazed, fragmented. Multiple blackouts, and multiple blackholes. What the fuck am I to do? Idk what I am, up and down are flimsy. Who or what can guide me? Is such a thing even rational to say? Remember 1st year summer, sitting by the water fountain, and discussing C.G. Jung with my brother, which then turned into a general discussion about spirituality? Is my entire life this blackhole now? Jesus fucking christ. Why was a 12 year old researching and questioning islam? How did everything string into this? What were the surreal and mystical spiritual experiences I had as a 13 year old islamic fundamentalist? Atheist? An avid meditator? What is it all? And when did I enter this more permanent depression, lack of vitality and despondency? Remember when you were 7, going to Madrassah or Thursday night when Shia family friends gathered? Remember the questions you'd ask about Islam? Asking your dad and Uncle Masoor different things. What laylat-ut-qadr nights was it that I randomly decided the fear of god reached me that night and I prayed, but changed my mind the next day? It was the same night Uncle Mansoor and everyone gathered at our home. Were there previous laylat-ut-qadr I was praying? What was the sincerity and intention at those times? Is Dua Kumayl just bullshit? My consciousness now vs my consciousness then, it literally feels like two different realities. Two different worlds, different universes. My past consciousness is just a dream and thought at this point, but I just feel so discordant. Ugh, it seems like I was already born to be on the edge of insanity, thrown into all of this right from the start, none of it makes sense. Images, symbols and the unconscious just keep flooding the mind. At least I feel more awake now, a small slap, I now realise the magnitude of my real and core problems. I now realise that my problems are so bizarre and spiritual that a traditional rational doctor would be useless. A normie wouldn't understand the out of worldly bliss of connecting to god as a religious fundamentalist when you're 13 and feeling like a walking Jesus Christ, and im sure that even back then I felt weird disconnections as what was all supposed to be myth is causing these intense emotions and experiences, its all just so dreamlike, bizarre, ungrounded, unreal. It will all just sound completely crazy, right from the start My sense of disconnection, all the blackouts, whenever I get a whiff of my past, I get a mixture of outrage, excitement and dread! When those rare whiffs do happen, I journal or write and just go on a spree writing all those things down. Almost like I'm trying to slap myself awake with all these things from the past! Slap myself awake that this disconnection exists! How shocking and bizarre! Edited March 16, 2021 by lmfao Hark ye yet again — the little lower layer. All visible objects, man, are but as pasteboard masks. But in each event — in the living act, the undoubted deed — there, some unknown but still reasoning thing puts forth the mouldings of its features from behind the unreasoning mask. If man will strike, strike through the mask! How can the prisoner reach outside except by thrusting through the wall? To me, the white whale is that wall, shoved near to me. Sometimes I think there's naught beyond. But 'tis enough. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted March 17, 2021 (edited) Wed 17/03/2021 17:31 I think the investigation and observation I do has been fairly limp. Having actual openness and a "not knowing" way of being is hard. I think I get a small taste of it yesterday to realise that. I don't even ask the right questions, don't even try to examine what I don't know, skim over and brush things off without realising I am. I've both talked and listened to others far too much. (Maybe if only done in the wrong way is) All this talking is distraction and results in delusion. In which case, I dislike the approach Leo takes to talking and teaching it. I may have asked or wondered questions before, but I realise that I wasn't truly open. And I haven't truly been open in a while. Two people can be completely different in their level of openness even if they both ask the same question. I don't know the most basic things like "What is emotion?". Whilst I've probably asked that before, I never usually have this much openness. I love this feeling, its like something I haven't experienced in a long ass time. Just this small whiff reminds me of why I loved this work in the first place, and gives me a nice feeling/emotion I haven't felt in a while. The same feeling I got when first reading some of Peter Ralston. The main gist of my problems right now seem to be large amounts of fear and anxiety, coped with by avoidance, distraction and procrastination. __ I started a hype af anime yesterday "Kenichi : The Mightiest Discipline", it's great training motivation. Almost makes me wanna get into martial arts. __ I'll probably have to talk to ___ today after dodging it for so long, but there's no reason to get so worked up about it. But there was anxiety and fear anyway, but I'll be fine, this is a small matter anyway. Yeah I may as well just do that first and then I'll get back doing other things. I suppose on top of messaging __, I can message T1,T2 and R perhaps as well? Just to alleviate any potential awkwardness in advance and my own peace of mind. Okay so after that. Well I've got work to do for tomorrow. Undeniably I feel the pressure. But for some reason I don't feel too bad, despite feeling bad, right now anyway. The work is boring as shit, we know that. But that's fine I guess, it's a chore or activity like washing dishes. Well what else? I'm definitely working out and.....yeah. Shit I need to figure out a sustainable way to eat. ALSO, WHY THE FUCK IS DJ KHALED UPDATING HIS SNAPCHAT STORY A FUCKING NOTIFICATION ON MY PHONE, GET THIS DUMB MONGOLOID TF OUT OF HERE. DJ FUCKING KHALED UPDATING HIS SNAPCHAT STORY IS THE LAST THING I CARE TO SEE AS A POP UP. thank you Mmmmhhhh and the rest will have to be free form. Avocado and green tea ofc. Watching Kenichi as well. Alright, time to go Edited March 17, 2021 by lmfao Hark ye yet again — the little lower layer. All visible objects, man, are but as pasteboard masks. But in each event — in the living act, the undoubted deed — there, some unknown but still reasoning thing puts forth the mouldings of its features from behind the unreasoning mask. If man will strike, strike through the mask! How can the prisoner reach outside except by thrusting through the wall? To me, the white whale is that wall, shoved near to me. Sometimes I think there's naught beyond. But 'tis enough. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted March 19, 2021 (edited) Friday 19/03/2021, 11:55 Same old story of stimulation, diversion and distraction. In that sense I feel the faintest deja vu feeling that I rarely feel. Also same old story of addiction, I don't understand my addictions or my emotions very well. The work and slog seems endless. I'm exhausted and tired from all the unending conflict. My mind is full of doubts and second guessing. My mood, emotions and energy are volatile. After facing some anxiety/fear, I then found a lethargy/depression instead. I don't blame the facing. The intensity of the negative emotion is just locked away. There's no solution I can think of. I can only go with the flow. For some reason I can feel certain traces of a "deja vu" emotion I haven't felt in some time at all, probably a few years, and that makes me happy I guess. I think that perhaps... I can sense the magnitude of the hell locked away in my mind? For some reason this guage/gut/instinct feels accurate. The prison is my own particular color landscape of impressions, neuroticism and memory. -- I faintly feel this particular block with a particular flavour that I haven't noticed in a while, but feeling it, I immediately recognise it for its unifying factor across my memory...School when you were in the DT rooms in year 8, year 7, summer in year 9 and above (playing catch then), when you went with __ and sat in that grass patch (near the roundabout or just near Asda) and were reading, an image of Mr Graham ___, the year 8 drama leaf (makes a lot of sense for this ingrained actually), and so on. I was muddling perhaps two different things above. One being a familiar sweet feeling and one being a familiar block. The former probably gives me a relief and fleeting sense of completeness, as I feel something nostalgic that temporarily breaks through my DPDR. It blows the dust off of the cogs and gets my mind more sharp and sensitive. Ugh I'm not sure There is the sense that things have simultaneously changed but not changed at all. But that could be due to temporary influx of memory. Nonetheless... 'Tarrows titlts are dangerous' --- Back to the point. I feel a gauge/instinct for the depth of my hell, however there's still a black wall beyond which I cannot perceive. I remember when I first described that wall. Described as shimmering and solid, but also like being a black ocean. I just find it so weird having this influx of past emotion and memory, not used to it since I have this DPDR. It just leaves me more confused about who and what am I, what the significance of anything is. I feel like I'm in a slowly melting and decaying prison which will only get more stale and obsolete, in shackles and concerns which will only get more obsolete. Who am I? Just this influx of random memory which only makes me more confused. I'm feeding my own DPDR, confusion victim mentality rn with thinking and speech like that. But I'm genuinely confused why this memory is again in my experience and animated after so long. Clearly I ran away from it, disowned it, hated it, or something. I reason it's distressing, is that all of this is supposed to be to attached to me but doesn't feel like me at all!!!! When were these worlds seperated? The spider web prison, memories of my childhood, the random specific flavours of experience. What is this earthiness static quality that I so strongly reject? Its in the face of E____'s mom for some reason, in the people and experiences I had at St. A___, Why does it cause so much confusion? It doesn't make any bloody sense. What are these fragments, fragmentations, discontinuities, fogs, dream like substances? I think that maybe, I always felt and found life weird this way. I just didn't realise or notice it, and it didn't quite precipitate? But even if that's so, I can't deny this perceived large disconnects and black outs in my identity and self. I feel recoil and pain from typing and doing this mental activity. Drowning myself in shackles and swampy water. Wait a fucking second, it's pretty ironic that location is Gridlock in Gears of War 3 (why do I call it 3 when the impression imprinted in 4? Haha). Didn't realise till now the fucking humour in the fact that that's the name of the map, jesus fucking christ. So many times my mind used to go there, and it's hell and literal gridlock everytime. I'm almost at the brink of painful tears, this earthiness and these shackles hurt (mental location throughout typing a lot of this, that room in St A__ where you got confused about addition or subtraction holding out your fingers, grey room, mini playground just through the opposite side of the room somehow) Taking a step back. Why does it hurt? Ahhh shit it's also the stagnant times I spent on discord discussing mbti. Why is everything coalescing into and melting into a ubiquitous swamp water, a prison? What's going on? Remember the tornado mind, the dead trees and kaiki, threads, small hairs, insects, strings, webiness and embryos? Your conversation with sergen. One mental imprint location, the freezer tank boss in RE 4? There's another mental imprint location which is faint but I can't recognise. And of course another imprint being that psuedo white roofing tunnel near Wilkinson entering town, briefly also image of that wall and area certain lorries offload near that road. The nature walk in.. Where was it, where you realised nature was at a slower but palpable ryhthym and felt alive. Why do I have all these memories, visual snapshots both external and internal, snapshots of impression and feeling? What's the meaning and point of it all when it comes out unexpectedly in repetitive and tornado thoughts. (Mental location, ___'s B room, image of spider web. Wait, you had that dream and obsessional phase back in summer of repetitive thoughts around this area, and the dreams of visions of ruins was it?) Yes, this is the very sort of pain and mental strain I've blacked out from in the past. Alright. Phew. We can relax just a little bit at least, and accept that there's strain. And ouch does it hurt like a bitch!!! But that's fine, ow. Strain even when dialogue and language thinking has calmed. Its the decision to engage with the repetitive and non resonant mechanical habit and detail. Also refusal to just feel it and be with it. Done so much thinking it's actually painful to think, nont forget to feel and learn, this is rather important and interesting. Maybe it's a good sign if my repetitive thoughts are back, I last had them when I was still on anti depressants back on summer. They were never dealt with I suppose. I decreased the dosage tapering, got bored with covid all these months, and ____ committed suicide. _____'s death still doesn't feel real to me and I don't know if it ever will. It's a huge loss, and the DPDR brain fog only gets further confused because of it now. Every time I think back to high school and I remember one of my best friends, I'll remember that he's died. Idk if it'll just keep haunting me tbh Edited March 20, 2021 by lmfao Hark ye yet again — the little lower layer. All visible objects, man, are but as pasteboard masks. But in each event — in the living act, the undoubted deed — there, some unknown but still reasoning thing puts forth the mouldings of its features from behind the unreasoning mask. If man will strike, strike through the mask! How can the prisoner reach outside except by thrusting through the wall? To me, the white whale is that wall, shoved near to me. Sometimes I think there's naught beyond. But 'tis enough. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted March 21, 2021 (edited) Sat 20/03/2021, +1 01:33 I was rather bored and fed up I suppose. My sister came home after a while, so it was all 6 of us for a reunion and get together. Whilst the evening was hellish and dumb, the nighttime was pretty nice. I set up a log fire in the garden and we all sat around with tea. It was my first time setting up a fire, it was pretty easy after watching someone else do it once a while ago. Using tongs, placing the logs and bark in the right place to make the fire as big and attractive as possible form my own enjoyment. The only interesting part was hearing my father narrate stories of when he was Pakistan. He didn't meet my mum till the wedding night, such was the culture there. He realised in some days and weeks that his marriage might be difficult, but went along with it. I believe what happened was that my dad's family showed my dad two pictures of two girls, one being my mum and being her younger sister. And he was asked to choose who he wanted to marry, without meeting any of them. It's a funny butterfly effect option, that he picked 1 and not the other. I'm glad with the decision he picked haha, my aunty is more stubborn than my mum. Other than that it was pretty boring. One of my sisters and my mum are too alike so they're just very loud and dramatic. So that was annoying in the car, but otherwise we all good. It was just 1 day, 1 get together. I'm exhausted and found it overwhelming though. I think I'm also just in an irritable mind right now. No harm no foul, we gon' be alright ___ (took a break from typing then came back) What else. Nothing, today I was in my own little trance state. My heart is pumping and im alert, which maybe isn't so good. I ate shit food so that will amp up my anxiety But before the fun fire I was super lethargic and just feeling shit. Now I just have to sit with this feeling. OH ITS BECAUSE I DRANK TEA AS WELL. Tea does this stupid anxiety shit. And it was tea high in sugar. Smh my head. This obviously isn't the first and won't be the last time I feel anxiety. So the question is, what do? Extremely uncomfortable, for real (took a break from typing then came back) Shit im sleepy somehow. Spent a few minutes just letting go of my anxiety and fear piece by piece around my body, to a small degree, and now im sleepy. Which is nice I suppose. If only I worked out today, c'est la vie eeeeeeeee I'll probably meditate today though. I did meditate yesterday for the first time in ages and felt a feeling of concentration again. It was subtle and small though, but what can I expect. Thats how it goes. Rn I'm alternating between waves of sleepiness and nausea + anxiety Edited March 21, 2021 by lmfao Hark ye yet again — the little lower layer. All visible objects, man, are but as pasteboard masks. But in each event — in the living act, the undoubted deed — there, some unknown but still reasoning thing puts forth the mouldings of its features from behind the unreasoning mask. If man will strike, strike through the mask! How can the prisoner reach outside except by thrusting through the wall? To me, the white whale is that wall, shoved near to me. Sometimes I think there's naught beyond. But 'tis enough. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted March 22, 2021 (edited) Monday 22/02/2021, 21:25 My life really is a maze. Interlocking and multitudinous problems, energies and forces. So many problems and angles I see, yet no sense of direction or idea where to start. I can think of many different areas, different skills, different problems, but I'm jumpy and chaotic. And answers aren't clear cut either, you get contradictions. Juggling 100 balls but most people don't see it since most of it is mental, deliberating and sitting on Reality has so many angles and layers, contrast that to how we best work and function. Humans can only do one thing at a time. We can only do one task, one activity, one step, one stroke. I lack single-mindedness, concentration, linearity, simple planning, action and time management. Can only do one step at a time....aaaaaaaa. Plastered plywood. Pastel pricks. Hmmmmm, all in all I think that.....Health is definitely one thing now. That's not the start or end of things though I suppose. 22:20 It's pretty late but imma go to supermarket rn, my sleeping pattern is like this. And I'll experiment with my quinoa cereal with coconut milk. But I'll work out ofc probs today. Dunno what else I'll do. Maybe I'll be yolo and block some more websites and etc. Right now I'm just using YouTube to blast music, but also YouTube in general anyway, and using this site. Maybe I'll block it for a bit. Maybe not I did one emotionally difficult thing yesterday, and in my ego backlash I indulged in my YouTube and junk food. Also porn. I'm powerless over my porn use. What I mainly want is to just heal the sensitivity and etc to what it is "naturally" I guess. And transmutation and facing sexuality as just another facet of life I guess. Everyone has different levels of horny, I'm probably high up there. Also remembering there's a vice going on, and not just being horny. It's both, so I'm not really sure what to do about it. Hmmmmm. Bah! Humbug! Anyway, clocks ticking and I need to go to the supermarket Edited March 22, 2021 by lmfao Hark ye yet again — the little lower layer. All visible objects, man, are but as pasteboard masks. But in each event — in the living act, the undoubted deed — there, some unknown but still reasoning thing puts forth the mouldings of its features from behind the unreasoning mask. If man will strike, strike through the mask! How can the prisoner reach outside except by thrusting through the wall? To me, the white whale is that wall, shoved near to me. Sometimes I think there's naught beyond. But 'tis enough. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted March 23, 2021 Tuesday 23/02/2021 22:02 Sifted through an article to read the neuroscience research of internet addiction. I didn't read it all because there was information overload just stating the findings of many different studies, and referencing many different brain areas when I barely know much. The way all addiction is talked about scientifically starts to sound the same. "Prefrontal cortex, executive functions, decision making, dopaminergic system rewiring, prefrontal control, interference with cognitive function" and words like these. blah blah There were ideas about what a user's "expectancies" are, but it was no less blunt or more informative than saying internet users escape from reality to cope Small interesting idea was differentiation of Generalised Internet Addiction vs Specialised Internet Addiction. GIA as being much the result of internet topology relative to human psychology structure, and the way those two abstract things mesh. The medium itself of the internet. I.e., We evolved for billions of years in nature, our psychology is proposed to then have particular structure from that existence, and the internet is this new structure which interfaces ad fuses with that old one. But we didn't evolve with this new structure. SIA on the other hand involving pathologies which could probably develop offline in a similar fashion. -- None of what I read was practical or helpful, at most it can give the patient a sense of confidence and security that other's have given their "objective" stamp of approval that their experience and problems are valid. Which can be good. -- Now to think about health again. I'll experiment with a cereal recipe today. I'll go eat now, then tidy my room. Then maybe meditate or read. Might work out. Hark ye yet again — the little lower layer. All visible objects, man, are but as pasteboard masks. But in each event — in the living act, the undoubted deed — there, some unknown but still reasoning thing puts forth the mouldings of its features from behind the unreasoning mask. If man will strike, strike through the mask! How can the prisoner reach outside except by thrusting through the wall? To me, the white whale is that wall, shoved near to me. Sometimes I think there's naught beyond. But 'tis enough. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted March 24, 2021 Piercing through the whitewash will turn into the truth someday I want to keep believing in it stubbornly; It’s just my faith. The absolute truth Hark ye yet again — the little lower layer. All visible objects, man, are but as pasteboard masks. But in each event — in the living act, the undoubted deed — there, some unknown but still reasoning thing puts forth the mouldings of its features from behind the unreasoning mask. If man will strike, strike through the mask! How can the prisoner reach outside except by thrusting through the wall? To me, the white whale is that wall, shoved near to me. Sometimes I think there's naught beyond. But 'tis enough. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted March 25, 2021 (edited) Thursday 25/03/2021 14:47 Some strange deja vu feelings. Depression flared up with a particular flavour that I recognise. Maybe it's the time I woke up, the healthy food I ate and I'm currently hungry, the warmer temperature outside. Why was I dragged into life with any of this I wonder? Why did any of this happen? Why were my senses of reality uprooted as far back as I can remember? Why was I ever brainwashed with Islam? Why did I ever get bliss from it? Why did I ever develop an existential depression? I just rewind this unfolding and all I see are dominos and inevitably, forced into a path and fate before I could comprehend what was even going on. None of it makes sense. And for no apparent reason, I just feel the strangest feelings I haven't felt in a long time. And when these particular feelings come back, it feels like some of my memory also returns to me. These feelings. These feelings are the old form of how my depression used to feel. In a sense it feels purer, but it feels more heavy and totalistic because of that. Now I remember why or what I ever used to be explicitly suicidal for, now that I at least temporarily have these dimensions of my emotion returned to me. In this particular moment, I feel like my old self and feeling. Which you would assume is good but what it does to me is just remind me how fragmented and discontinuous I am. All these images and memories, past versions of myself, it all feels like one crazy or one bad trip. My life feels like one crazy bad dream. Maybe because I desired it so I now, at least right now, feel these feelings I had lost or forgotten. But now I feel more anxiety and fear from it. This was the anxiety and fear I turned my back on, cauterised myself to and ran away from. This pain is intense but...I also feel happy on some level for feeling what I thought was lost. This anxiety and uncertainty is intense. My recovered dimensions of emotion may pass away now, but I hope not. Honestly speaking, I could die happy like this. I'm grateful that I have my old feelings and dimensions of emotion in this moment, even if it is in the form of anxiety, and this feels like a "me" I wouldn't mind dying as. I'll take it any day over my cauterised self. I feel back in time 2-3 years ago. Some point 1-2 years ago, I have a blackout in perception corresponding to my antidepressant shenanigans. I think I'm maybe starting to understand things a bit better. I ended up cauterising myself because I couldn't handle this intense anxiety. The cost of shoving down and repressing my anxiety was the loss of liveliness and sensitivity. A tragic shame really, but I understand it. In a tragic sense, I did a mini suicide to myself already. With this currently alert and aware brain, I can see why. All I'm at right now, in this particular moment, is a visit to my state back in time. Whether I stay here I don't know. The chains of the past are both important to understand but move on from. Having this experience now makes me the more weary to arrive or finish something, dont know what that something is. Weary to overcome these chains -- I feel the flavour of my original depression, like sent back in time. I feel like a time traveller almost, sent back in time to correct the mistakes I made. Maybe this was the reason I was subconsciously attracted to this song I would listen to over and over on repeat. It wasn't until just now that I don't think I realised what the English translation lyrics of the song even meant, even though I skimmed over it. But the idea just popped into my head randomly now. I read the lyrics translations but my brain never interpreted or put the right pieces together. https://bakemonogatari.fandom.com/wiki/Decent_Black Quote Come, let’s open the door and let the adventure start Let’s find the answer that leads to the correct future The regret that I let go while averting my eyes And the mistakes that I tucked away while closing my ears So that I don’t make the mistakes again I probably interpreted this correctly the first time I read it a while ago, but my brain just now reframed and regrouped what sentences I put together to fit what I feel. Now I'm reading it as "Let's find the answer, regrets and mistakes" rather than just finding the answer (and not finding the regret and mistake). -- This primal fear and anxiety I feel, my mistake was running away from it. Well, now I feel it. Boy is it hard to deal with though Edited March 25, 2021 by lmfao Hark ye yet again — the little lower layer. All visible objects, man, are but as pasteboard masks. But in each event — in the living act, the undoubted deed — there, some unknown but still reasoning thing puts forth the mouldings of its features from behind the unreasoning mask. If man will strike, strike through the mask! How can the prisoner reach outside except by thrusting through the wall? To me, the white whale is that wall, shoved near to me. Sometimes I think there's naught beyond. But 'tis enough. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted March 27, 2021 (edited) Sat 27/03/2021 12:51 People like to use the word "projection" a lot. It once had a technical meaning but I think it's good as a more broad word. What I directly see it to mean is saying/thinking/believing something which has no "truthful" basis in verbal/literal content, but is a reflection of emotion (or a particular coping of emotion, perhaps. Not sure of this part in brackets, not based on direct consciousness) I was trying to nap but here was too much of this feeling, also a few random stray thoughts. I could only sleep 5 hours last night, despite being sleep deprived yesterday. So I feel like I'm continuing off of yesterday (I made a thread) but with the negative feeling now a constant again in my experience. I'm sitting up in bed as I type this. I don't have much to say since I'm fully engulfed and suffering with this shitty feeling. I'm very very sleep deprived and fatigued, I can't do any activity either. I can just close my laptop, lie down with my eyes closed and let go and concentrate on the feeling. Maybe I fall asleep, maybe I don't. Either way Edited March 27, 2021 by lmfao Hark ye yet again — the little lower layer. All visible objects, man, are but as pasteboard masks. But in each event — in the living act, the undoubted deed — there, some unknown but still reasoning thing puts forth the mouldings of its features from behind the unreasoning mask. If man will strike, strike through the mask! How can the prisoner reach outside except by thrusting through the wall? To me, the white whale is that wall, shoved near to me. Sometimes I think there's naught beyond. But 'tis enough. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted March 30, 2021 (edited) Monday 29/02/2021 +1 00:52 I need to crystallise this one realisation. What I basically need to do is. Straighten up your back, express whatever you're feeling and thinking, without filter or censoring or placating. That's the way. Unslouch, look past the distractions and circling. Don't hold back, just be. And accept whatever happens. ___________________________________________ At some point I conditioned myself not to do so. And like a Lorenz Attractor that conditioning invites in a certain persona and role. Is a certain persona and role. Usually when I type in my online journal I might overly doubt what I type when imagining other people reading it, but those thoughts are to be ignored since ultimately this is an expression of myself and is written for myself to understand. Going all psychology historian on this, at some point I must have accepted my place as someone with little value with no voice. Maybe it's because my father was controlling in certain ways. Most certainly because I felt I couldn't express my non-religiosity. Also most certainly because I felt I couldn't be myself at school with my authoritarian unfeeling teachers, and perhaps by extension all my peers. Venturing into historical territory aside, I know what I have to do. on and doing the thing. That's all that's needed. ___________________________________________ Things don't change instantly unfortunately. Acting out of condition can be tiring and exhausting. I see a foe which lies in front of me, "the tribe". A creature of my nightmares that I've ignored or avoided. Deeply haunting me. I think I forgot about it and it returned to my unconscious, having been aware of it previously. Imagery was one of the evilly smirking theatre mask. Ethereal, monolithic and monotone. Featureless dark/shadow cartoon figures of humans embodying cruelty. The big feature is the senseless cruelty, world of vanity and sadism. Picking on anyone and anything that looks different, all for cruelty's sake. It is that cruelty which scares me. That exact flavour of cruelty is personified and brought to life in a few anime I've seen. Kaiji and Kakegurui. Just think about Kaiji. The people in it are completely heartless, greedy and cruel. All warmness and heart is removed, there's just pure cruelty by those with power to inflict on those who are powerless. The losers on the ship game were sent into human slavery. Rich people were watching through cameras people walk that plank of steel and literally dying in an attempt to walk across. And the rich people were amused and smiling. And when Sahara made it across the steel beam, detail-less figures of evil men standing in circles grinning, amused that someone who completed the death-game tribulation would be denied his well earned reward and be killed at the last minute. If that isn't cruelty I don't know what is. Or what about Kakegurui. They have that house pet and bullying system, where those on the bottom rung are bullied and abused by everyone. I think this is what made those Gambling anime so amazing. I never would have expected to see the phantom haunting me captured so well in this random genre of anime. I feel scarred and scared of being powerless and of being sadistically abused How did I not make a mental note of it before!? An "imprint" location is The Pavilion. Where you used to go during some lunch times in year 8, maybe some of year 7? You remember the tribe of the "cool kids", and felt deeply disturbed by how superficial and judgemental everyone was. Imprint image of Ellis' (ginger) face. A certain moment or flicker of time my brain recalls in combination with these thoughts and feelings. I must have had that realisation and thought then, and now I can remember or switch to it. The angle/direction I'm looking at the room from, same way/direction you'd look at the room from just walking into the room. Maybe position somewhat different. ______ Details of all that imagery and memory not important, but certainly an interesting thing to have noted and expressed. When I was doing shadow work a year ago, I came across the same suppressed fear and imagery which I never knew I had. I can find it a little entertaining to look at the juxtaposition between the reality of things and the fear and imagination and colourful imagery. Crystallise and visualise the actuality of what you felt today. What it felt like to own it and just be it. Edited March 30, 2021 by lmfao Hark ye yet again — the little lower layer. All visible objects, man, are but as pasteboard masks. But in each event — in the living act, the undoubted deed — there, some unknown but still reasoning thing puts forth the mouldings of its features from behind the unreasoning mask. If man will strike, strike through the mask! How can the prisoner reach outside except by thrusting through the wall? To me, the white whale is that wall, shoved near to me. Sometimes I think there's naught beyond. But 'tis enough. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted March 31, 2021 Wed 31/03/2021 16:53 Finished meditating. I can see myself acting on patterns and habits as they arise in the present. Slightly more in the present, somewhat detecting things earlier than you would normally. I feel as though I can see the trajectories to things. Maybe "karmic trajectories". I feel as though I have a slightly more 3rd person view, looking at my energies, the circling/oscillations. Hark ye yet again — the little lower layer. All visible objects, man, are but as pasteboard masks. But in each event — in the living act, the undoubted deed — there, some unknown but still reasoning thing puts forth the mouldings of its features from behind the unreasoning mask. If man will strike, strike through the mask! How can the prisoner reach outside except by thrusting through the wall? To me, the white whale is that wall, shoved near to me. Sometimes I think there's naught beyond. But 'tis enough. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted April 1, 2021 (edited) Thursday 01/04/2021 20:28 The basic feeling is one of distractibility and anxiety. It's a kind of distractible anxiety, a bit unhinged with impulsivity. It might have been from tea I had earlier, not sure. Drank tea, did some reading then journalling, then ate food and felt sluggish. But I didn't feel anxious after drinking the tea initially. I made anther cup of green tea since I'm super lethargic to do anything. Not sure if I'll drink it now. In the past when this irritiability and impulsiveness arises, well it's uncomfortable so I just unconsciously tried to suppress it, distract myself from it, or unconsciously express it. Unconscious either way there! Me turning on my laptop was another defence mechanism. I'm resisting sleepiness but also intense anxiety. That is not a combo you want! Sleepiness means you're unable to concentrate on sensations and feelings. But I feel slightly more awake from just focusing on my sensations. -- I set my intention and will, surrender my intention and will, in prayer and concentration. What is praying? I think it's no different than intention. Apparently, with intention comes attraction. They also call it "alignment". Today was a good day. It really was somehow. I mean after I woke up, I pissed away 2 hours playing Cold War (the new call of duty). I felt very heavy depersonalisation afterwards. I then went outside, practiced paying attention to my body as I walked. I shredded some cardboard with my hands and arms, and that inadvertently grounded me a lot. After that I did a bit of reading, started reading 3 Pillars of Zen. I then journaled and reflected, prayed, and felt more higher consciousness after that. I made an intention to not judge myself and others, to accept all good and all bad. Whatever violent or horrible thoughts I have, whatever evil I see in others. This was all reflected upon in the context of shadow work as well, where the unconscious is vulgar.* It's funny because this point of reflection become relevant later in the day to my own chimp mind and anger Then when I was about to go meditate and read more, my mum arrived with fresh tasty food. I made a "mistake" perhaps in deciding to eat then rather than later (because food delayed my plans and t makes me sluggish). I had an interaction with my dad. We were downstairs, he asked me to go fetch him some small box of tablets from his room. Told me to go bring the entire box because I wouldn't know which ones. In hindsight I should have just asked which ones. Anyway, I can't find the right box. I pick up a larger tray which also has his tablets. The whole time I was kinda pissed off to be doing this. As I'm giving them to him, I get pissed off at something he said or his minor tone. Whatever specific there isn't important. *So my mind is just filled with thoughts of "cuñt cuñt cuñt bitch bitch bitch" The problem here is this. I don't feel I have a relationship with my dad outside of him just asking me to do shit for him. I get it, he's old he's whatever, but he's also just "intrinsically authoritarian" perhaps and inflexible. He can't ever ask for a favour or ask for help casually, it's always in that subtle autocratic manner. And growing up, I never really felt free or like I had any real choice. Reeling it in slightly, again I think the main problem again is just that the relationship isn't much outside of him asking for shit like that. And I don't feel like I can be myself or act myself around him. And so I think I should talk to him or bring it up like that. Yeah so there's work there. Nothing catastrophic or end of the world though so yeah. I also have unfinished business on Discord App that I've procrastinated doing, and that gives me butterflies in stomach thinking about it, but its fine. I can knowingly suppress that for now. -- I need a reboot and new direction. Seeing tangible steps is hard, but I'm grateful for the fact I can at least somewhat see what I wish to do today! And I can see and think what books I should probably read, what practices I should do. I'll read more of this Zen book briefly. I'll do some Kriya Yoga, maybe some "zen meditation" as well afterwards. I only read less than half of Radical Honesty, I'll probably give that one a restart. I feel a lot of resistance and fear to reading it, but I can do it anyway. That's what it means to be "devoted" perhaps. Should I drink this green tea? Sure. Give my reading and meditation a boost. Again, great video. Forgiveness can only arise automatically and naturally out of high consciousness, not from suppression, denial and lying +1 00:41 I feel tired & a little overwhelmed. In addition to fear and anxiety, I hate myself for having not done better I hate myself for not being able to face my fears. I feel overwhelmed and hate myself. A fear I hadn't thought about in a while suddenly popped up to me when I was meditating. So many fears and anxieties. And I beat myself up for not facing my fears. Because right now, there's a fear that I have that's been bothering me for a month now, which could potentially be resolved if I fully felt it and also did the action I needed to do. But I'm too fucking scared to do so. Also I beat myself up for not meditating well enough. Rather I feel disappointed. Why haven't I fixed myself? Before and after meditating, I'm the same old me. Rather I'm aware of my deficiencies more now after meditating. But this is the mindset I have. Self hatred, beating myself up. Pessimism and neurotic perfectionism. These are enemies of mine for a while now, although I don't or haven't really handled it. +1 01:19 The sleepiness in combination with the meditation is making me feel a bit strange.... In regards to my bad mentality, all I can be is....... I just. I think I'm scared that "this is it". I'm scared my life and my existence will be ordinary. I'm scared II'll die an obese, retarded failure. "I can't die a failure I can't die a failure I can't die a failure I can't die a failure I can't die a failure I can't die a failure I can't die a failure I can't die a failure I can't die a failure I can't die a failure I can't die a failure I can't die a failure I can't die a failure I can't die a failure I can't die a failure I can't die a failure" I can't die a failure. I feel regret and sorrow over my life being wasted. Regret and sorrow over the past are what I feel for some reason Alright. Now switch off the music it's a distraction albeit a beautiful one. Remember your vow and your goal. Tomorrow you can do it. In fact I would have done it just now, would it not be for the fact that I blocked Discord App for 16 more hours. So that is off my mind. All that's required is the intention, willingness/openness and dedication. The willingness and openness for anything in your unconscious, for any powerful negative feeling and thought that arises in you. Fully feeling and listening to every unpleasant feeling or savage thought. So long as that intention is there, the multiplicity of problems becomes no big deal. Something @Nahm once said me to me is coming to mind for me now, how he said that there's "no such thing" (paraphrase) in response to me saying I have 100's of problems. Edited April 2, 2021 by lmfao Hark ye yet again — the little lower layer. All visible objects, man, are but as pasteboard masks. But in each event — in the living act, the undoubted deed — there, some unknown but still reasoning thing puts forth the mouldings of its features from behind the unreasoning mask. If man will strike, strike through the mask! How can the prisoner reach outside except by thrusting through the wall? To me, the white whale is that wall, shoved near to me. Sometimes I think there's naught beyond. But 'tis enough. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted April 3, 2021 Friday 02/04/2021 +1 03:37 I'm sleepy as fuck. I'll force myself to meditate before sleeping today, trying not to just fall asleep and say ""gg, good meditation". But maybe that will happen. Not sure why on earth how or why I wasted so much time today. Well I can break it down. Obviously in the morning I stayed in bed for 2 hours or so, chilling on my laptop and doing whatever shit. That felt okay/whatever. Wasted time with television. Then talked to my brother for too long, helped do some outside errands. I wasted 3 hours playing some online game with friends, ate pasta someone else made when I shouldn't have. Rest was a blur after the from 12am and 1am onwards. There's nothing else to do but be here really. I've heard some explanations David R Hawkins gives or these spiritual teachers give, but I brush that side really, since it's about my own experience and what I can see or discover to be true. Various teachers or religious schools, they can give good methods or advice though for different problems, sure. I've only meditated for 2 days in a row, today is 3rd in a row if I do it now after closing this laptop. Already felt some nice things of just doing it alone, but I haven't even scratched dx%, probably. A plastic bucket with holes becomes a steel bucket with holes, is one way of putting it. Hark ye yet again — the little lower layer. All visible objects, man, are but as pasteboard masks. But in each event — in the living act, the undoubted deed — there, some unknown but still reasoning thing puts forth the mouldings of its features from behind the unreasoning mask. If man will strike, strike through the mask! How can the prisoner reach outside except by thrusting through the wall? To me, the white whale is that wall, shoved near to me. Sometimes I think there's naught beyond. But 'tis enough. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted April 10, 2021 (edited) Friday 09/04/2021 , 16:15 Attack on Titan has a terrible ending, so for maybe 12 hours straight yesterday I just went on a meme, rage and discussion rampage of me coping with how atrocious an ending that series got. Those 12 hours were a blur, crazy how that happened. [Chapter 139 of the manga came out yesterday] Oscillations between stages 2 and 4 of grief. What an absolutely abysmal ending, and anyone who thinks otherwise is just wrong or doesn't think deeply ; ) I'll stop feeding that rage today hopefully and do something else. I feel a strange type of emptiness today and I don't like it. I'll eat a beetroot and drink tea. I feel drained of mental focus or direction. Or just a weird aimlessness. This is gonna hurt. So planning. After eating + tea, do those back exercises and stretch out your hips. Then meditate & read, idk which I'll do first. And run. +1 01:02 Never read or ran, only meditated. I spent an hour doing some BS errand, and wasted time afterwards watching TV and playing Jenga. Some butchers shop makes 100% pure beef burgers, so today I've eaten 1 beetroot, 1 cucumber, a 2 of those burgers. Question is what I do for 1 or 2 hours before I sleep. I might actually read, meditate again, but then make plans for my uni work. I need to get an idea of just how far behind I am. It's a shit load, and there's this 7000 word project to do for next month.....Sigh But I need to rant about Attack on Titan again, so spoiler alert (stop reading if you don't want to get spoiled), because that ending was so fucking awful I can't get over it. Let me just put in a quote box some things I hated about 139 and the elaborate further Quote Ymir loving King Fritz is introduced only in this chapter AND becomes the basis by which Curse of Ymir is removed, it's an ass pull. Eren's character is iffy to say the least here, feels like his explanation and talking wasn't exactly executed well. The writing and plot is all quickly done and its not explained properly what Eren's knowledge and goals were in the decisions he made. He contradicts himself kind of, just says "my thoughts are incoherent" to write it all off. And then to top it all off, it's not like the show ended on a particularly depressing or conclusive note, just a "meh" note. Like the world is still at war, and things seem like they're in a fucked up state anyway. Eren killed his mom, did all this shit, and not much has changed. It's still mostly unknown how the world will move forward from it, it's not very conclusive. It's unknown, and so you can guess or infer what you want. Some people will argue that maybe the 20% of the world will massacre Eldians, although I doubt that. Rather they will try to and it will be endless conflict. Or maybe there will be peace in the distant future, but it doesn't seem very realistic at all to me. But someone else will argue that it is realistic, it's all subjective. Either way, these are all guesses and we don't know. Eren eliminated the titan powers so I would infer it maybe means peace is more likely in the very distant future. Isayama usually has a clear vision and plan for how things get executed and how they end up being. He foreshadows xyz thing. So I just find it weird that we'll be left with this very open-ended ending. I would prefer it not to be this way. Chapter 139 was fucking disgusting, but I felt off about the story before that. * -- Alright so everything in this show is going perfectly until about chapter 123. Eren's character evolution is fucking GENIUS throughout this show. We are given this starting premise. Some 100 years ago, titans (giant monsters with humanoid facial features and appearance) appeared and pushed humanity to the brink of extinction. The surviving remnants of humanity built 3 concentric large 50m tall walls to protect themselves from the titans. ^Ofc this is all a complete lie. But it's the starting story. Humanity is trapped in this bird cage. And then in chapter 1, that bird cage gets pillaged by the titans anyway. Since chapter 1, Eren has been about one thing and one thing only freedom. It was his nature since birth to fight for freedom, he wanted to join the scouts to explore beyond the walls, even before his mother got eaten by a titan. Episode 1, the walls keeping humanity safe are broken, titans come rushing in and Eren's mom gets eaten. Eren then vows to kill every titan in existence. Eren is hotheaded, has no patience, and gets emotional over just about everything. He's not a complete idiot though. Eren ofc discovers he has the power to turn into a titan (and so he becomes humanities last hope), and we got a large and intricate plot develops. In time he finds out 3 of his friends were fucking traitors, responsible for the mass murder of humanity and for the death of his mother. And he's forced to fight them. Eren is disheartened as he learns that humans turning into titans are also his enemy, not just titans. And then next season, we get civil war inside of the walls. Humans killing humans. Eren learns what his dad did, and Eren wants to curl up and die when he's in that cave since he think's he's useless and can't fulfil humanities hopes. Historia, the person who could have eaten Eren, decides to join his side and snaps Eren out of it. Eren is further hardened psychologically from the civil war of humans killing humans. And then season 3 part 2. Eren + Scouts fight a massive battle against: Reiner, Bertholt + Beast Titan (Zeke) [ Also + Cart Titan who had supporting role]. The the basement reveal happens. After that battle is over and the enemy retreats, the scouts arrive at Eren's Dad's basement where we know some secrets are hidden. We find out humanity beyond the walls hasn't perished at all; The old king simply erased people's memories of humanity beyond the walls. Everyone in the walls are a race of humans called "Eldians" who can transform into pure titans or titan shifters, the world wishes to genocide Eldians ( parallel to Jews in WW2 Nazi Germany themes) because their ancestors in the Eldian Empire used the power of the Titans to oppress the globe. Reading the journals of grisha, the power fo the titans explains, Eren sees the memories of his dads passed onto him. We learn later that he can also see the future with his titan power. Eren enters a depression. The whole world is his enemy. We only learn much later that when he kisses Historia's hand at the ceremony, he sees a dreadful future (he can't change? More on that later.) When Eren and scouts finally see the ocean for the first time in their lives, Eren can't even be happy. He suddenly has access to his dad's memories of abroad, memories of how Eldians are abused in the world, how his people are hated and oppressed and are not allowed to be freed. And so he says with the most depressed look on his face Quote Hey... If we kill all our enemies... over there... will we finally... be free? Cue the 4 year timeskip. We then start the story again in the foreign country which opposes Paradis (our country of characters), we enter Marley instead. We see warriors and titan shifters being trained in that country, and learn some new characters. We start to feel attached to the Eldian soldiers in Marley, as they're trying to elevate the status of their people by proving their worth to Marley. Eren infiltrates Marley and pretends to be wounded Eldian-soldier of Marley. Eldians in Marley are kept in concentration camp zones and are inferior citizens, forced to be soldiers, suicide bombers and suicide titan transforms on the battlefield. Marley previously failed in capturing the Founding Titan (which Eren has) in Paradis , and they are planning on declaring war on Paradis again, but asking the world to help if they can. Marley's leader makes a grand speech on stage in front of leaders. However underground nearby, is Eren waiting to attack Marley as soon as Marley declares War. He manages to lure in Reiner, and they have a chat. Reiner is begging for forgiveness, is crying and is breaking down. Reiner is plagued by PTSD and guilt after massacring so many thousands of humans with his own hands on Paradis, plagued by the guilt of being a traitor to people he infiltrated. Before Eren found out Reiner was a traitor and double agent so many years ago, Eren considered Reiner like an older brother almost. Reiner used the phrase "Keep moving forward" which Eren remembered as motivational when they were in the army together. ^Reiner is responsible for the attack which killed Eren's mom. Eren after the timeskip has a different demeanour. He is calm, cold , calculating, and is unemotive. He forgives Reiner, realising that Reiner was an indoctrinated kid and had no choice in the matter. Reiner was fed lies and wanted to be a hero. Eren is about to transform and attack Marley, the same way Reiner attacked Paradis. But Reiner doesn't know it, he's just shocked to meet Eren and is crying. Eren stretches his hand to shake Reiner's before he transforms into a titan. Quote Eren: I get it now, I'm the same as you...I think we were born this way. I just keep moving forward, Reiner: Eh? Eren: until my enemies are destroyed. [Eren transforms] ^Eren then murders all the Marleyan Soldiers there, kills the leader of Marley, and has a battle with WH Titan. He kills many innocent civilians, women and children as collateral damage in the crowd of the speech. Eren has completely changed since the start of the story. From innocence, to the willingness to get his hands dirty to kill his enemies. He forgave Reiner, realised and understood why Reiner did what he did. He understands his enemy. He knows that humans inside and outside the walls of all races are the same. But, everyone outside the walls is taught and thinks that the humans inside the walls are evil devils worthy of genocide. The outside world won't listen, as evidenced by the fact that Marley's leader is giving a speech right now trying to convince the world to genocide their island. And so Eren knows peace is impossible, and that there will be war. Quote by Eren after infiltrating Marley undercover. He's at a camp of permanently crippled, psychologically traumatised Eldian soldiers who were forced into war to fight for Marley against other countries.: Quote I've been thinking everyday since I came here. How did things turn out this way? Ruined minds and bodies, people with no freedom left, people who have even lost themselves... what kind of person would want to go to war if they knew they were going to end up like this? But... there was something there, all along... pushing us right into Hell. For most of us, that something is not of our own free will. We're forced to by others, or by our environment. That's why the people who push themselves into Hell see a different Hell from the rest of us. They also see something beyond that hell. Maybe it's hope. Maybe it's another Hell. I don't know which it is. The only people who do know... are the ones who keep moving forward. ^ (Open in another tab then turn on captions) Eren's attack on Marley is a success, with the help of his friends from Paradis Island. Eren steals the Warhammer Titan ability by eating Tybur's sister. Eren forced his friends to help, he went abroad without telling anyone, and sent letters telling them he's attacking. Armin his Colossal Titan power to nuke the seaside port, killing 1000's and 1000's of innocent civilians, but it was necessary if they wanted to survive. Armin is ridden with guilt. Mikasa cries that Eren has led to so many civilians dying. Paradis military and Eren's friends were forced to help, they then retreated to Paradis, they picked up Zeke who turned out to be on their side. -- Too much plot to explain.... the result is this. Eren tricks Zeke to use his Founding Titan powers fully, uses the the Wall Titans on Paradis Island and activates "The Rumbling". 250,000 large colossal titans compose The Walls. Eren commands those 250,000 to destroy all life outside of the walls. I.e. Eren starts a genocide of the entire planet for the sake of freedom. AND IT WAS GENIUS WRITING HOW ISAYAMA WROTE IT. Eren showed hints throughout the series how hell bent he was on freedom, how black and white his mind was. When Eren was a young child, he killed 2 kidnappers who murdered Mikasa's parents and kidnapped a child to be sold into slavery. What he did was good, but he always possessed that Chapter 121-123, we see Eren and Zeke talking. They are in "The Paths" when talking. Whilst they are in the paths world, with power over the past, Eren talks to his father Grisha Jeager backwards in time to complete his mission (it was only thanks to Grisha that Eren ever got his power). It's a non-linear time loop which makes Eren's power 4th dimensional. Eren guides and motivates his father to kill that royal family (including children) in the church: Zeke is Eren's half brother raised in another country (Grisha lived in Marley before going to Paradis). Zeke was under the impression Grisha brainwashed Eren as his father. Quite the opposite; Eren influenced Grisha, and Eren's nature since birth has always been like this Quote If someone takes my freedom...I won't hesitate to take theirs So Eren starts the genocide of all mankind outside the walls. The year is around 1910 technology wise, we have 1.8 billion or so people on the planet. Entire continents get trampled ^Crushed into dust Note: The power of titans, the plot is extremely complicated. There is a mythos, science and lore to the power. We still don't know why Eren is doing everything. We know Eren can see the future and what the end result it, yet he goes through with this. So many theories, ranging from Eren means to destroy the world, or that his goal is to be stopped by his friends and he has another goal. But regardless, Eren is actually going through with this genocide. He announces to all Eldians psychicly through Paths in chapter 123 he intends to trample the globe for the sake of freedom. All the Eldians outside the walls are doomed to die in this action as well. Before he commences the genocide, he speaks to all Eldians/(Subjects of Ymir) Quote Hear me, all Subjects of Ymir. My name is Eren Yeager. I now speak to all Subjects of Ymir by way of the Founding Titan's power. Every wall on the island of Paradis has been unhardened. All of the Titans buried within them have begun to walk. My goal... is to protect the people of Paradis, who bore me and raised me. But the world desires the extinction of the people of Paradis. Over countless years, their hatred has grown beyond this island. They surely will not stop until they have killed every one of the Subjects of Ymir. I reject their desire. The Titans of the Walls will trample and rumble all the lands beyond this island. Until the lives there... are eliminated from this world ---- *It was after 123 that some elements of the story started to feel off. It wasn't until 138 and 139 that I was actually very worried. But to talk about chapters 123-137 problems: After Eren starts the rumbling, some forces on Paradis and some Marleyan forces join together to form "The Alliance" to stop Eren. That's fine. But what's not fine is the direction and way some things are done. 1) Everyone suddenly acts like a Jesus Christ or Buddhist Saint, and are about peace and love. It got to the point it was excessive and cringe with the dialogue. AOT world is one of realism. 2) We go long period of time without understanding Eren's POV, but this is solved later. Chapter 130 and 131 were GENIUS. We see flashbacks and read Eren's mind for the first time in so many chapters. During the 4 year time skip, Eren was conflicted and confused. He didn't know how he could get freedom for his people. He was travelling abroad in another countries, and he's contemplating the future he saw in his visions; killing them all for freedom due to being out of options. Eren was disappointed to learn that humans (hostile ones) existed beyond the walls when reading his dad's journal and gaining access to his memories. His entire life he just want to escape the confines of the walls. The walls were bigger than he initially thought; the poetic irony is him using the Wall Titans to trample to globe. At first I found this genocidal twist in Eren's character strange, after all I always considered him a good guy. But then I realised how genius and amazing a twist it was. Brilliant writing. _________________ But then the final chapters came along....To someone who doesn't know the story it can't be explained properly. Just why... why did they fucking ruin the story with this retarded shit: 1) Eren loses the battle barely putting up a struggle. We're to expect Eren loses 2 seconds after Mikasa gets the resolve to kill him? 2) What in the flying fuck was the point of the hallucegenia or tree of life when it literally fucking disappears without an explanation of what or how when Eren dies? 3) WHY THE FUCK WAS EREN A RAMBLING AND MUMBLING MESS AT THE END. HE JUST KEPT CONTRADICTING HIMSELF AND HAD NO CLUE WHAT HE WAS TALKING ABOUT. He was character assassinated 4) WHY THE FUCK DID HE KILL HIS OWN MOM BACK IN TIME? WASN'T THAT HIS ENTIRE MOTIVATION TO KILL THE TITANS? TRASH Eren was character assassinated . He had no clue what he was doing. He was NOT FREE at all. He was a slave to some shit fate. HE DIDN'T GAIN ANY FREEDOM OR ACHIEVE ANYTHING IN DEATH EITHER. THE WORLD IS STILL IN A WARRING STATE, THE 20% OF THE GLOBE WHICH SURVIVED WANTS REVENGE. There was no satisfaction to anything. He literally said things which reverse all of his character development. I CAN'T TAKE SERIOUSLY HIS CONVERSATION WITH REINER, OR ANY OF HIS VALUES, MOTIVATIONS OR PHILOSOPHY (Meme Image Photoshop) This is literally the worst fucking ending Isayama could have done, destroying Eren's character. Literally ANY of the millions of fan theories out there would have been better. Holy fuck. 5) WHY WERE WE TOLD OUT OF LEFT FIELD IN 139 THAT YMIR HAD A STOCKHOLM SYNDROME LOVE FOR KING FRITZ, AND THATS WHY THE TITAN POWER EXISTS? AND THEN MIKASA KILLING EREN INSPIRES YMIR TO DELETE PATHS? WHAT? Why is this trash plot point THE RESOLUTION OF THIS MASSIVE STORY. I'm supposed to believe in this for how the story ends? You fucking kidding me? Quote >killed her family >destroyed and burnt her town >cut her tongue out >sent a hunting squad to hunt her for sport >used her as a tool after she got the power of the titans >raped her >never married her >fucked other women and let her watch >used her in war and made her raise his kids >didn't care about her when she got hit protecting him >outright tells her she's a slave >cut her up alive and fed her to her children to keep the power of the titans in his hands >used her children and decedents to destroy millions of lives thought-out the decades >she spent an endless amount of time in paths building titans for all the killings >she still loved him for 2000 years Throw it in the fucking garbage, a fucking 12 year old could have written a better ending. There are loads of plot holes you can address, but the main shit is this confused messaging. The author introduced themes such as the cycle of hate, freedom, war, and gave no fucking opinion or conclusion to it. In addition, he reversed the good things he did do. Rushed and sloppy ending. In no sense did Eren's character have any satisfaction at the end. It was instead shat on. Both in terms of his values, and what he achieved. Bullshit plot twists just made him all the more incoherent and nonsensical. ________ Memes like this are my final cope to this garbage "My Comedy show at its (fucking) peak" with how trash this is >NOOOOOOOOO I MUST CRY TO ARMIN FIRST " TATAKAW TATAKAW" Edited April 10, 2021 by lmfao Hark ye yet again — the little lower layer. All visible objects, man, are but as pasteboard masks. But in each event — in the living act, the undoubted deed — there, some unknown but still reasoning thing puts forth the mouldings of its features from behind the unreasoning mask. If man will strike, strike through the mask! How can the prisoner reach outside except by thrusting through the wall? To me, the white whale is that wall, shoved near to me. Sometimes I think there's naught beyond. But 'tis enough. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted April 10, 2021 (edited) Sat 10/04/2021 20:51 A random thought will come into my head pertaining to other thoughts [ "Only now exists, and all thoughts are happening now"] and with that thought, I have a particular artistic image/impression. And I "believe" that impression. Omit the word artistic because all image and impression by default has that quality. The rapid shifts and mood swings.... I lose/lost faith in myself and then can't trust my own mind, perceptions and thoughts and can't even trust my mind when it asks a why question. Losing the faith and having hatred because my mind swirls with fantasies and mythological thinking. But that loss of faith and hatred is another fantasy and mythos, completing the circle of hatred in a big fat irony. HOW DO I CHANGE MYSELF WITHOUT HATING MYSELF. HOW DO I NOT FALL INTO THOUGHT WITHOUT HATING THOUGHT. WHY OR HOW (DO I WANT)/(WHAT ARE) THESE THINGS. Mind swirling, Alice in wonderland absurdism. I called other people dramatic, but I am extremely dramatic and unstable. Is that what every non-original and identical psychologists spout out as being "projection"? Am I not the most dramatic person existence, and in making that comment further illustrating the drama and irony. "Oh shit is every thought of mine projection wtf" Oh shit I'm fucking hating myself. Let me make a comment, and the comment that is this sentence, about how I'm a dancing monkey in the spirit of sarcasm and self hatred again. What the fuck is drama and what the fuck is me? What's the difference anymore. The shield of sarcasm is a thin veneer* {now I'm taking a break from writing to ask my online friends if they want to play this online word game} 21:45 I'm back. Anyway, won most of the games against my friends. Back to this shit. Yeah I'm so fucking hysterical and dramatic it's hilarious. I feel like some hysterical woman "O-Oh OH, YOU'RE SAYING I'M BEING STUBBORN!" (Yes I'm that sexist to associate hysteria to women) Yes I'm dramatic and hysterical. Literally type 5 acting like type 7 under pressure meme. Not taking that theory too seriously. Only dumb niggers do that. The shield of sarcasm and humour is indeed a thin veneer. It's the coping and mental tornado. Glad when the tornado is around, counteracts being such a lifeless bore. " "The world is a massive projection" " " "It's all an image" ", adding of double quotation marks to turn the habit of using quotation marks on it's head, where it's " "not me" " who's using those quotation marks in the first place, opposing the premise that the actual text is """not me""". I'll fucking add as many quotation marks as I want. [I don't just use quotation marks in that weird fragmented sense of self, often times it's casual] But back to the start, there was that 'ironic' circle to the thinking. Hating my thoughts and fantasises and mythologies, but then that being another fantasy and mythologisation. Brb eating food 22:30 So idk where that leaves me really after having said that. Myths, images, "archetypes of the unconscious" , fantasies, thoughts. Hmm. Having an active imagination to just conjure up so much random stuff is part of being human. 23:27 I'll do some reading today. Perhaps what I've seen today is to be aware of my thoughts/impressions and fantasies about truth, the ironic circle of my habits and criticism. I kinda feel exhausted and drained for no reason. I barely did any sprinting and did no work. I'm kind of a sedation now. Let me embed some music videos up in the post for what I was feeling earlier and what I was listening to. For whatever reason I never really gotten into techno other than this, it's such a banger. Edited April 10, 2021 by lmfao Hark ye yet again — the little lower layer. All visible objects, man, are but as pasteboard masks. But in each event — in the living act, the undoubted deed — there, some unknown but still reasoning thing puts forth the mouldings of its features from behind the unreasoning mask. If man will strike, strike through the mask! How can the prisoner reach outside except by thrusting through the wall? To me, the white whale is that wall, shoved near to me. Sometimes I think there's naught beyond. But 'tis enough. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
