Posted November 2, 2020 (edited) Mon 02/11/2020 05:21 The waters of my mind are usually stagnant and zombified, if we go for time as a measure. I piss away most of my day on YouTube, the internet, music, discord, video games, porn, etc. And whilst doing these things my mind is submerged even deeper into the dream state. However, even during moments I am artificially pacified and metaphorically drugged up, there is an undercurrent of creativity in the form of instability and unpredictability, Often times I will feel like my mind is an uncontrollable tornado of semi-obsessive, vivid thoughts that diverge indefinitely, connecting the dots and thinking laterally. However, I will feel crazy, out of control, and it's uncomfortable (especially if I end up having repetitions and repeated images that distress me which has happened before). adhd, cluster B, instant gratification, low conscientiousness, impulse control. * My standard procedures and patterns for speaking are awkwardly mismatched with my thought speed and thought forms. And it will throw people off when from the outside it looks as though I haphazardly change my writing style but in trying to maintain a a consistent standard for cognition and verbalisation, I am at conflict but feel I must make the effort to do so anyway. Or perhaps I need to simply adjust, adapt, evolve and learn to speak as fast as I can think because my rate of articulation is inferior to the rate of thought. ---- * A common pattern of mine, I list a bunch of words to convey the general energy or place from which I'm talking. Trying to paint a picture or communicate a qualititative flavour rather than state a specific thing. It's specific in so far as much as I try to list a bunch of things, and you construct a space and an approximate vicinity within that space to which I am pointing to. And the nature of the space (so in metaphor, what perpendicular directions represent and they can change in meaning), that will change and depend. In the previous paragraph, I'm trying to communicate how I communicate. So there's one meta layer there. Im making the metaphor of space and vicinity sound a lot more complicated than it actually is, but the added complication to my explanation (spaces which you construct out of nothing, the spaces being particular to the situations, perpendicular directions meaning different things) whilst not accurate when extrapolated logically can perhaps still paint a picture or communicate a vibe about the way in which I try to paint pictures and communicate vibes. It seems I haven't fully embraced impressionistic communication which isn't lexical and overly concerned with being an anal academic. Perhaps these barriers arise from other people not understanding me and my subsequent attempts to make it make sense Edited November 2, 2020 by lmfao Hark ye yet again — the little lower layer. All visible objects, man, are but as pasteboard masks. But in each event — in the living act, the undoubted deed — there, some unknown but still reasoning thing puts forth the mouldings of its features from behind the unreasoning mask. If man will strike, strike through the mask! How can the prisoner reach outside except by thrusting through the wall? To me, the white whale is that wall, shoved near to me. Sometimes I think there's naught beyond. But 'tis enough. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted November 23, 2020 ACIM bringing out my past trauma with religion into consciousness I haven't been doing ACIM workbook exercises for a long time and instead decided to read the textbook chapters/theory. Due to Christian langauge and themes in it, it unexpectedly triggered or uncovered trauma or fears I had. Because I was a religious Muslim in the past and all that, it seems I have a lot of left over fears. What I still have embedded in my psyche is a punitive and fearful worldview of god. Afraid that god will strike me down for sin. Afraid of being luciferean in my thinking lest god strike inflict vengeance. Made me then realise that any notion of sin or karma engenders fear. You think you have sinned against god, and hence you see the world as a form of vengeance which will strike you at any moment. You walk around thinking the world always has strings attached, which is further elaboration of seeing the world as a place of vengeance. Because in the unconscious is shame about your very own existence and you don't think you're worthy to exist. Funnily enough, the material in ACIM is about undoing exactly that, and I initially projecting all of that onto ACIM. This is all described pretty well in this thing I found. https://facim.org/the-fear-of-god-and-compassion-for-others-part-1/ -- I was also afraid of being dragged into another belief system by reading all this due to all the phrasing, since I had been harmed by belief systems in the past And then I realised a more general fear I had A general fear of mythology, images, stories, beliefs. Fear of being confused, being lost, fear of my own mind and fear of chaos. The strange terminology of "Father", "Son", "Holy Spirit", etc made me all scared whilst reading, untill I saw this other quote in the book. Quote Since you believe that you are separate, Heaven presents itself to you as separate, too. Made me realise that fear of defilement or of dirtying oneself is ultimately falsehood. Which is a fear that you've killed god. Fear being the opposite of love. And then I thought about how hard it is to overcome fear in practice. But I can't bring myself to abandon fear, I tell myself, because there's a purpose to it surely, etc. The world is that harsh. To be fully loving is metaphysical suicide --- I'm not sure what emotion/state is worse than shame in its pure/abstract form. Since shame is the inherent hatred of one's own existence, and that entails self destruction and suicidality eventually Hark ye yet again — the little lower layer. All visible objects, man, are but as pasteboard masks. But in each event — in the living act, the undoubted deed — there, some unknown but still reasoning thing puts forth the mouldings of its features from behind the unreasoning mask. If man will strike, strike through the mask! How can the prisoner reach outside except by thrusting through the wall? To me, the white whale is that wall, shoved near to me. Sometimes I think there's naught beyond. But 'tis enough. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted November 29, 2020 Sun 29/11/2020 They say time dilates in hell. I haven't been in hell, but it feels like I've been in this state for a while. But that's the nature of various illnesses and mental ailments, you get the perception they will last forever, unable to see the light at the end of the tunnel.But it honestly does feel like I've been like this forever, with whatever whacky perceptual filters are on my consciousness. Back in July, I made the commitment to quit antidepressants because of emotional blunting. I've gone from 100mg to 25mg, and the flat emotions are still here. And I'm getting very fed up of this state. I'm definitely gonna speed up coming off, I can't stand this purgatory. I've felt like a walking zombie for far too long, idaf about this SSRI shit anymore. Today, I'm not going to take the med, and do it on alternating days. 25,0,25,0,25,0...follow that for a week..And then maybe I'll leave a 3 day gap a few times. Good riddance. I'll maybe type more here, I don't know. Hark ye yet again — the little lower layer. All visible objects, man, are but as pasteboard masks. But in each event — in the living act, the undoubted deed — there, some unknown but still reasoning thing puts forth the mouldings of its features from behind the unreasoning mask. If man will strike, strike through the mask! How can the prisoner reach outside except by thrusting through the wall? To me, the white whale is that wall, shoved near to me. Sometimes I think there's naught beyond. But 'tis enough. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted December 3, 2020 (edited) Thursday 03/12/2020, 01:16 Woke up at 13:40. Spent an hour in bed. Ate a cucumber. Spent 1-2 hours blowing up balloons and setting up things for a surprise birthday party. Did Kriya Yoga. Afterwards, brain became quieter. But brain felt slightly perturbed. Spent an hour doing research for my university homework. Ate a grilled chicken burger + chips for dinner. Birthday celebration for a few hours. Then I played cards with the family later. Pissed away time on youtube, also spent too much time on this site today. It's late now. I'm probs gonna drink a shit load of water. Do some more uni work. Maybe practice speed reading. Maybe meditate again before I sleep, I need to get in the habit of it again. Try to get up earlier tomorrow. I've already reduced my SSRI dose of 25mg into 2 or 3 day gaps, I don't feel any withdrawal yet. Edited December 3, 2020 by lmfao Hark ye yet again — the little lower layer. All visible objects, man, are but as pasteboard masks. But in each event — in the living act, the undoubted deed — there, some unknown but still reasoning thing puts forth the mouldings of its features from behind the unreasoning mask. If man will strike, strike through the mask! How can the prisoner reach outside except by thrusting through the wall? To me, the white whale is that wall, shoved near to me. Sometimes I think there's naught beyond. But 'tis enough. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted December 4, 2020 (edited) Friday 04/12/2020, 02:36 I may have been compulsive in my actions today, but it's interesting what state I've been in. I woke up feeling super foggy and dissociated. But I also sense a super sense of concentration. And I may have behaved compulsively today a lot with my addictions as I do normally, but just pausing and watching myself, I feel different. A bit more relaxing and space-like. Maybe it's because I started kriya yoga again, but its also my SSRI withdrawal. Time to keep at it, it might be promising despite the multiple deadlines and stressors in my life rn. Thinking a lot about uni work, as well as the funeral for one of my best friends coming up. I might be anxious, be worried, be in pain, be distracted, but I feel a deep sense of excitement and ease anyway. My vibe and feeling is perfectly described this track. Just so relaxing and space like, but also alien and extraterrestrial with the unknown Edited December 4, 2020 by lmfao Hark ye yet again — the little lower layer. All visible objects, man, are but as pasteboard masks. But in each event — in the living act, the undoubted deed — there, some unknown but still reasoning thing puts forth the mouldings of its features from behind the unreasoning mask. If man will strike, strike through the mask! How can the prisoner reach outside except by thrusting through the wall? To me, the white whale is that wall, shoved near to me. Sometimes I think there's naught beyond. But 'tis enough. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted December 7, 2020 (edited) Sunday 06/12/2020, +1 00:58 Today has not been good, double whammy of bad news in regards to my university work. I'm probably gonna fail a module or two. Working from home is very difficult compared to normal. The SSRI withdrawal is starting to act up. I have vertigo, chills, "brain zaps", dissociation, I have anxiety and unfinished tasks. I'm not having a panic attack but my stress is high. I still have to prepare some things for a funeral coming up as well in addition to this uni work. I can still chin up though, the emotions are strong but I'm able to not engage a complete emotional avoidance and lockdown. I know one thing I need to do today, but it's not gonna be fun. But "thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven" , as they say. I have felt tinges of my natural/normal self returning to me since my dose was severely cut until mere scraps now. Dimensions of old emotion returning. My libido has gone up. I also feel particular flavours of anxiety I haven't felt in a while. Whilst it is uncomfortable, I prefer it this way. And it's not so terrible that I have to run away from it. Better to be a human neurotic than to be a neurotic with anhedonia who's locked from growing. I don't feel completely fucked though, somehow. In the past I would have panicked and shut down more in a situation like this. --- So many factors and forces coming together, it's an incentive to redress my life. How I spend my time, how I waste time. Steps I can take that for too long I've not taken. Every excuse and justification to not grow is fear. Edited December 7, 2020 by lmfao Hark ye yet again — the little lower layer. All visible objects, man, are but as pasteboard masks. But in each event — in the living act, the undoubted deed — there, some unknown but still reasoning thing puts forth the mouldings of its features from behind the unreasoning mask. If man will strike, strike through the mask! How can the prisoner reach outside except by thrusting through the wall? To me, the white whale is that wall, shoved near to me. Sometimes I think there's naught beyond. But 'tis enough. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted December 7, 2020 26 minutes ago, lmfao said: Today has not been good, double whammy of bad news in regards to my university work. I'm probably gonna fail a module or two. Working from home is very difficult compared to normal. 26 minutes ago, lmfao said: So many factors and forces coming together, it's an incentive to redress my life. How I spend my time, how I waste time. Steps I can take that for too long I've not taken. Every excuse and justification to not grow is fear. Broooo, the struggle is so real. Currently sitting in a cubicle, 40-degree heat, broken aircon, grinding through a semesters worth of material. Not so stressed, but can't be asked. It's so hard to just sit and work without the moral support or even mild social motivation that comes from live classes and pracs etc... university: well laid out and evenly distributed workload dripped out over 14 weeks me: watching all the lectures back to back in 2 days My stats: https://wiseoldman.net/players/equan1mity Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted December 7, 2020 @MuadDib Yeah glad to see someone else going through the same thing haha. 29 minutes ago, MuadDib said: Broooo, the struggle is so real. Currently sitting in a cubicle, 40-degree heat, broken aircon, grinding through a semesters worth of material. Not so stressed, but can't be asked. It's so hard to just sit and work without the moral support or even mild social motivation that comes from live classes and pracs etc... Very relatable. Only recently am I starting to appreciate the importance of organisation, conscientiousness, planning, etc. I have to form my own routine, signals and cues to work. Right now, my physical environment is disconnected from the reality of having work to do, because it's all compartmentalised to online. The fact that I'm actually supposed to be studying and doing a degree is abstracted away, since my physical environment is just chilling at home,. Hark ye yet again — the little lower layer. All visible objects, man, are but as pasteboard masks. But in each event — in the living act, the undoubted deed — there, some unknown but still reasoning thing puts forth the mouldings of its features from behind the unreasoning mask. If man will strike, strike through the mask! How can the prisoner reach outside except by thrusting through the wall? To me, the white whale is that wall, shoved near to me. Sometimes I think there's naught beyond. But 'tis enough. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted December 10, 2020 Thursday 10/12/2020 16:53 This is obviously a weird low point and rut of mine. My body is chronically fatigued and low in energy to do anything. If change can't happen through addition, perhaps it can happen through demolition and subtraction, but that will be a lot more painful and slow. If I forcefully deprive myself of habits and coping mechanisms, well something will have to happen. The question is, how can I get myself to take such a journey when the coping is all I know and consumes my entire day. How do I take those first steps. I want to unattach from technology, one problem being that I still have to interact with technology for the sake of my work, even in the ideal case. ---- I still forget about actuality. Yesterday I realised that I don't know what it actually means to surrender, I just knew the word. --- Part of this will involve making a plan and ruthlessly executing it. And of course consciousness. But also "surrendering" and letting things be Hark ye yet again — the little lower layer. All visible objects, man, are but as pasteboard masks. But in each event — in the living act, the undoubted deed — there, some unknown but still reasoning thing puts forth the mouldings of its features from behind the unreasoning mask. If man will strike, strike through the mask! How can the prisoner reach outside except by thrusting through the wall? To me, the white whale is that wall, shoved near to me. Sometimes I think there's naught beyond. But 'tis enough. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted December 12, 2020 (edited) Sat 12/12/2020, 23:00 ?LA VIDA SOLA VI VIVIRÁS , LA VIDA SOLA VI VIVIRÁS , ANGELS PLAYING DISGUISE WITH DEVIL'S FACES, CHILDREN CLING TO THEIR COIN, SQUEEZING OUT THEIR WISDOM?, god I'm obsessed with this song rn, AOT hype is real rn. Makes me wanna jihad. I fluctuate between high and low energy a lot, but this gets me pumped. --- Need to sort out my clothes and practice my eulogy for a funeral coming up next week. Oh and get a haircut. 1) What else. Email some university people, and do some uni work before Wednesday. 2) A lot on my plate for me, considering my sleep is shit, low energy and ssri come off. Today and 3 days for all that. Make that more like 2. Edited December 12, 2020 by lmfao Hark ye yet again — the little lower layer. All visible objects, man, are but as pasteboard masks. But in each event — in the living act, the undoubted deed — there, some unknown but still reasoning thing puts forth the mouldings of its features from behind the unreasoning mask. If man will strike, strike through the mask! How can the prisoner reach outside except by thrusting through the wall? To me, the white whale is that wall, shoved near to me. Sometimes I think there's naught beyond. But 'tis enough. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted December 16, 2020 (edited) Wed 12/16/2020 05:48 So the funeral got cancelled, for reasons I won't reveal so as to not make my already doxxable status any riskier. It will happen early next year inshallah. After pulling an all nighter yesterday to finish some university coursework, I've been quite foggy with unpredictable bursts of sleep and waking. And I have just woken up now after a few hours. In order to prepare for the funeral, I was yet to have practiced speaking my eulogy. My body recognised this, and unpredictably planned my sleep in such a way after pulling an all nighter that I would have woken up now with plenty time to prepare. I've had this phenomena occur many times before, where when my mind and body know that there's some event or thing I need to wake up for ensures my body doesn't oversleep or don't end up as sleep deprived. despite how my normal sleeping works. Strangely enough, I remember Alan Watts describing this phenomena, when he said something along the lines of "You can tell your body what time you need to wake up, and it will just do it for you", no alarm required. -- My SSRI dosage will now become 0. It effectively has been for the past 2 weeks, but now I'm enshrining this formally and will not be microdosing. It's been tough but I don't regret. The drug definitely gave me an edge on energy, and so this is a radical imperative to heal now. I've been finding it very difficult to do anything spiritual as of recent weeks. -- There's a lot on my plate. I failed to act from my own ramblings from 10/12. My dilemma of being addicted to technology, extremely low energy and motivation. And of course my diet leaves room for improvement. Must I bite the bullet of discipline? I'm quite a pussy lol. And other times in the past, attempts at discipline have been done unhealthily and cause me to burn out or be miserable. Perhaps I was trying to force or suffer for things which weren't worth it. And I need to find something for which it is worth. Something worth being nailed onto the cross for. Give me strength, oh lord. "Nothing real can be threatened. Nothing unreal exists." Edited December 16, 2020 by lmfao Hark ye yet again — the little lower layer. All visible objects, man, are but as pasteboard masks. But in each event — in the living act, the undoubted deed — there, some unknown but still reasoning thing puts forth the mouldings of its features from behind the unreasoning mask. If man will strike, strike through the mask! How can the prisoner reach outside except by thrusting through the wall? To me, the white whale is that wall, shoved near to me. Sometimes I think there's naught beyond. But 'tis enough. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted December 16, 2020 (edited) Wed 12/16/2020 22:38 I am deeply, deeply unsatisfied with life. I'm not as neurotic about it, my mind feels relatively stable and calm strangely. But the depth to this sense is all-encompassing and existential. Feel good, feel bad, high, low, what's the point of that? " The meaning is to be happy " ? " I'll exist and then I'll die". The human condition feels shitty. I'll exist and then I'll die. I'll exist and then I'll die. "Who will die?" is the question I suppose -- Screw the people who challenge this nihilism with naivety and denial -- Have I created a circular loop here? I get this sense that perhaps I have, upon trying to investigate. I have to open to the fact I won't get an answer. But I guess I really am trying to look at what triggers it and..... Mind is going blank, just this entanglement of things There's something but it's so slippery ______________________________ Recently I was quite ecstatic and joyous ( not right now though) , I feel the return of myself after stopping SSRI's. A literal 6th or 7th sense to my perception and consciousness has returned more now. 23:00 I feel so incredibly tempted to drown out my awareness. My mind was calm but it's a slow crescendo of chaos. I'll go meditate, even though my mind is quite literally scared that such a thing would be suicide, but that's fear mongering. +1 ,00:32 I feel amazingly manic, overflowing with energy. I meditated, with no method, but with my entire being , all my heart and soul, I was intent on breaking through. Unexpected shifts happened as lots of energy and things just bubbling up, in a good and neutral way. The intense focus and drive to breakthrough, that's probably "masculine". And I feel overflowing with it. But near the end of the session, I noticed that I was tensed too much, and needed to relax this manic alpha-male drive. The image which came to my mind of this over tensing was a meshed grid made out of dirt. All that focusing and intensity, it now feels painful and draining. Yet, "surrendering" it also feels painful. There's this constant back and forth, oscillating, between ('two', as the categories are drawn) different approaches. My intense focus and drive was necessary. But now I have to surrender it, otherwise I shall burn out from all that forcing. But surrendering this, it feels so very difficult, because my energy is so overwhelmingly large. "ego inflation" perhaps. A much needed inflation. -- My underlying questions that I poured my entire being to meditate on, why I suffer, what's the meaning of life, they weren't answered. And I haven't forgot that. Mania and energy is cool but I'm not satisfied by theatrics. I will keep waging war, I will keep pouring my entire being, because there is literally nothing else. This is the one and only thing I care about, all else can burn to the ground. "Nothing real can be threatened. Nothing unreal exists." Edited December 17, 2020 by lmfao Hark ye yet again — the little lower layer. All visible objects, man, are but as pasteboard masks. But in each event — in the living act, the undoubted deed — there, some unknown but still reasoning thing puts forth the mouldings of its features from behind the unreasoning mask. If man will strike, strike through the mask! How can the prisoner reach outside except by thrusting through the wall? To me, the white whale is that wall, shoved near to me. Sometimes I think there's naught beyond. But 'tis enough. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted December 18, 2020 (edited) Thursday 17/12/2020. +1 06:52 I feel super fucking uncomfortable lol, but its discomfort from me being super honest with myself and dropping my defensiveness and pride and ego. It feels reaaaalllyyyyyyyyy weird and uncomfortable. I'm slightly gritting my teeth with discomfort as I be truly open and honest with myself. This is the best type of discomfort but ahhhhhhh fuck this hard. Dropping the pride and bravado, so fucking hard ahhhhhhh. It fucking hurts lmao, but it's a good type of pain. I am literally clenching my teeth... 'try' to ease it... I can't emphasise enough just how much I really really really hate and have a habit of avoiding being vulnerable. I've always done this. Despite always thinking the contrary, it is now abundantly clear and has to be admitted that I am the biggest liar and most stubborn mule of them all. NO ONE HAS A BIGGER EGO THAN ME, AND THIS IS THE MOST EGOIC PROCLAMATION OF THEM ALL. All my life I've been so extremely averse to opening and anything remotely resembling genuine connection. I feel realllyyyyy uncomfortable, am high on adrenaline and focused. A big contrast to my earlier brain fog and scattered-ness Jesus, this is intense. The weirdest mixture of pain and pleasure, an ecstasy of both. My heart feels like a pebble of stone which is experiencing waves of water hitting it. Even speaking in such cheesy metaphors makes me feel so uncomfortable. teeth clench A devil thrashing after being submerged in holy water, semi-voluntarily -- To all the cunts I've known, I have no space to blame you for being a combative cu** who can't drop their pride. I'm exactly, exactly the same. Most importantly, I shan't run away from this like I have before, I see what needs to be done actionably in my life, as it makes me. I feel like a tsundere who's LITERALLY dying inside having to open up Edited December 18, 2020 by lmfao Hark ye yet again — the little lower layer. All visible objects, man, are but as pasteboard masks. But in each event — in the living act, the undoubted deed — there, some unknown but still reasoning thing puts forth the mouldings of its features from behind the unreasoning mask. If man will strike, strike through the mask! How can the prisoner reach outside except by thrusting through the wall? To me, the white whale is that wall, shoved near to me. Sometimes I think there's naught beyond. But 'tis enough. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted December 20, 2020 (edited) Sat 19/12/2020, +1 08:07 The mood swings and negative volitility which take the form of thoughts of intense self hatred. When that happens there is the 'response?' of wanting to tough it out, persevere and push through and 'force?'. Some strand here has led to depression and burn out of sorts? But I do not understand this. In this current paragraph I was about to write in the form "the most important thing I learned today was ______", but that would have contradicted the thing I supposedly learnt. I saw that I cannot try to surrender to try to be relinquish egotism. I say that in literal in simple terms of what I've just thought about or looked it, those words not being expression of some image i consistently hold as some orientation principle. ('Consistently', and other words, have a future tense to them. But the interesting thing about them is that they describe activities and things you're doing now. ) Had an image of a screaming attack titan for the accumulated frustration of being trapped in a cage that is my negative feelings. There is the route of holding onto the image, rather than just having it be there as 1 element which can appear or dissappear. -- There is a way in which each word of chattering creates the space for and like a magnet draws in more chatter ad infinitum. The other issue (insert "in my mind" in this space) about words is relevant to my beliefs about what it means to describe something for someone else { the phrase "in my mind" in the above sentence was something being added due to those beliefs, ie I wouldn't have written it if I'm the only one who's seeing what I write. "in my mind" being added due to communicating to other people that there can be other issues, but these are just the ones in my mind. It's rather semantic and unimportant perhaps, but for some reason I have this kind of habit just ingrained}. The belief or habit being that the terse words which are with me when I'm in flow don't communicate my 'mental space' with sufficient context. Edited December 20, 2020 by lmfao Hark ye yet again — the little lower layer. All visible objects, man, are but as pasteboard masks. But in each event — in the living act, the undoubted deed — there, some unknown but still reasoning thing puts forth the mouldings of its features from behind the unreasoning mask. If man will strike, strike through the mask! How can the prisoner reach outside except by thrusting through the wall? To me, the white whale is that wall, shoved near to me. Sometimes I think there's naught beyond. But 'tis enough. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted December 20, 2020 (edited) Right now, is it possible that I am repressing and lying !? I think I feel disconnected and emotionless. I'm denying and repressing myself as a part of this mental state. A natural byproduct of inquiry? Maybe. Maybe I haven't expressed the ego enough in ways such as saying "maybe" like. did above! Because I have impulses to excessively use question marks, repress my natural thoughts for the sake of "finding truth" Yes, so this is a trap of mine !!!? Unwillingness to feel emotion? It's not the questioning and doubting that's incorrect, but the repression. ---- But how on earth on what on earth does this all mean? I was in my zone and flow with inquiry but as a part of it I repress myself? So weird. I reckon the repressing comes from forcing which comes from anxiety. Perhaps this emotional cutting off for inquiry is simply just a program of mine. Such a weird program I have. I must counterstrike and actively remember to do the opposite. What I uncovered and unweaved of my psychology from the program is indeed very valuable still, but this program isn't the way to go. This links back to what I said earlier about beliefs and habits I have about communication and words (whether directed to myself or others, but above I said it was only to others). There's this unhealthy way of being uncertain. Like a traumatised OCD PTSD war veteran who has to quadruple check that he locked all his doors and windows before he can sleep and be at peace. It's a false peace. PARANOIA IS NOT CURIOSITY AND INQUIRY. THIS IS CLEAR. I'M PARANOID!! BUT OF WHAT? WHY IS THIS MY PROGRAM? MY BELIEFS TOWARDS WORDS AND SPEECH IS A PART OF IT. REPRESSED EMOTION BECOMES MOOD SWINGS AND "BIPOLAR FITS". GO WITH THE FLOW OF THE BIPOLAR, DON'T FEAR. FLOODGATES OF LIBIDO/(LIFE FORCE) CLOSED FOR TOO LONG IS DEPRESSION. THE 1'S AND 0'S WILL TAKE OVER EVERYTHING, GONE WILL BE ALL COLOUR AND I MUST FIGHT THAT. WHAT ARE YOU HIDING FROM MUJY , GET YOUR ASS BACK HERE AND SIT DOWN NIGGA. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA -- Tbc Edited December 20, 2020 by lmfao Hark ye yet again — the little lower layer. All visible objects, man, are but as pasteboard masks. But in each event — in the living act, the undoubted deed — there, some unknown but still reasoning thing puts forth the mouldings of its features from behind the unreasoning mask. If man will strike, strike through the mask! How can the prisoner reach outside except by thrusting through the wall? To me, the white whale is that wall, shoved near to me. Sometimes I think there's naught beyond. But 'tis enough. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted December 21, 2020 (edited) Monday 21/12/2020 19:13 I'm not a sociopath, but I was watching this interview with a sociopath on YouTube and I could relate to a few things of what he was talking about and it got me reflecting or lamenting a few things about it. One's emotions typically being in a narrow range. Now his case was different, he is often unable to feel "negative" emotions strongly as well as for positive emotions. I mainly lack the ability to feel positive emotions strongly, although it extends to negative emotions in a way ( I felt tremendous grief and shock when my friend died, so I have the capacity) . And I do feel empathy What sort of gave me some chills was his talk about emulating emotions and putting on a mask. I often feel as though I have to fake reactions and cues in conversation just to make the person comfortable and have the conversation flow. The characters I have most connected to or resonated with in fiction have been "joker archetypes" (Shogo Makishima, Izaya Orihara) where they are charismatic extroverts (who are psychopathic). Lack anxiety and extraversion being things I don't have and envy, ( + more reasons I greatly admire about those villainous characters). I see that same charismatic form as potential in me, accessed when I'm in my element. I don't know why I often lack positive emotions in this way. The external correlates are some combination of 'autistic traits' (a rather vague term which one must conclude, in the final analysis, to mean nothing), depression and antidepressants (emotional blunting). I wasn't always this emotionally blunted, it pisses me off to be this way right now though. Thankfully I still get surges of emotion from music or fiction, although with reduced intensity. As much as I may beat myself up or regret things, I can only be me. No left, right or back, only forwards exist. I can only do what's in my power and what will happen, I don't know. Exercise, diet, emotional healing, But maybe, just maybe, there's a chance I can choose to live differently, and that's fully my decision. Choosing to exercise, choosing to meditate, choosing to read, choosing to do art. To re-iterate , I'm not sociopath, but I can strongly resonate and relate to this guy in this interview. The spiritual and emotional struggles in more abstracted form. In regards to emotional bleakness. -- A thought which has crossed my mind is a distinction between "no free will" and "determinism". Determinism is an imposition over spiritual insights of "no free will". What can be described as "The seeing of no free will" is the seeing of "whatever is, is " . Determinism is an imposition of scientific belief systems on reality. A belief about how reality is entirely captured and fully described by some set of equations and a large enough set of numbers and variables. -- Almost fell asleep by accident, I was on doing that semi-dreaming thing when you're still awake. dreaming of coiled and tangled red hair Edited December 21, 2020 by lmfao Hark ye yet again — the little lower layer. All visible objects, man, are but as pasteboard masks. But in each event — in the living act, the undoubted deed — there, some unknown but still reasoning thing puts forth the mouldings of its features from behind the unreasoning mask. If man will strike, strike through the mask! How can the prisoner reach outside except by thrusting through the wall? To me, the white whale is that wall, shoved near to me. Sometimes I think there's naught beyond. But 'tis enough. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted December 21, 2020 (edited) I feel like I learnt or did an interesting thing in conversation by accident with someone today. I told them very critical comments about themselves. But I did it in such a way that the person probably feels good about themselves and was receptive to what I said, despite most of what I said being comments that almost certainly hit on their nerves, fundamental shadow issues and insecurities (if my gut/intuition about them is correct. The gut/intuition about what someone is sensitive about is very important I think, and thankfully I have some of that empathic and analytic skill.) By acting in a particular kind of honest and agreeable way that most people aren't used to, you can disarm and disrupt normal defensive programs someone operates from, especially if you validate them but still completely criticise them. It's very effective to have a co-operative/agreeable attitude with people often, so that even when you dispense criticism they have little fuel or little way to reverse the situation and get mad over something unimportant. By being honest, open and co-operative, you tend to invoke the same in others. Here's the thing. If you're able to first let go of your ego in an argument or conversation (at least to some degree e.g. in the form of making concessions about your own shit and not projecting to other people), you tend to invoke the same in others. You facilitate or force them into an honest confrontation with their own issues and shit. Admitting your own shit, not projecting (or at least acknowledging out loud that you might be projecting), it disarms other people (and yourself) of their regular patterns. Unless the other person isn't ready to engage at that level and turns away from the light, but hey ho, nothing was lost. Doing this sort of thing is uncharacteristic of me, since this skill involves good people skills and that's one of my weaknesses usually. It certainly ain't my primary strength but I'm picking it up accidentally. --- Dealing with people and understanding them is ultimately projection. If I am aware of my own ego, sensitivities and negative aspects, I use that knowledge of myself to understand how others are. Since we all have egos, we all have the capacities to understand others since they are egos as well. The most basic point but overlooked point of all I suppose. -- A lot of what I talked about above is also idealistic in the picture it's painting, but it was excitement over a strange conversation. But now to did deeper. I don't know what to consider "fake" and "real" when it comes to emotion. Because I have seen the crocodile tears that I shed, the false hurt that I have imagined, I don't automatically trust other people's emotions and reactions. From one perspective the hurt I and others have is artificial programming, thus you should be resolute in breaking through it and not giving in. Looking at what I just wrote above and relating it to what's in my mind, it masks false perception. Because "on the other hand", emotion is emotion, feelings are feelings. If someone is hurt and suffering, well they are hurt and suffering. What was written in the previous paragraph can justify an attitude of self-denial or denial of expression in others, and it did for me. An insight which was co-opted to some positionality. I'm not wrong that the programming is to be overcome though. Edited December 22, 2020 by lmfao Hark ye yet again — the little lower layer. All visible objects, man, are but as pasteboard masks. But in each event — in the living act, the undoubted deed — there, some unknown but still reasoning thing puts forth the mouldings of its features from behind the unreasoning mask. If man will strike, strike through the mask! How can the prisoner reach outside except by thrusting through the wall? To me, the white whale is that wall, shoved near to me. Sometimes I think there's naught beyond. But 'tis enough. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted December 23, 2020 (edited) Wed 23/12/2020, 06:45 Am just watching how my mental state unfolds in light of SSRI coming off. I can't tell if it's DP or DR, but one of those two is remaining a persistent bug which has gotten worse. Another thing is that I'm now more irritable and aggressive. Also, randomly been feeling more horny. I masturbated 4 times two days ago, and 3 times yesterday. Not quite sure what's going on there. I think SSRI kills libido, but now I'm off them. But I definitely need to be careful, because this is an addiction which might only get worse. I actually don't think I'm more horny, my mind and body just did it unconsciously for some reason. I really don't know, I just did the habit automatically without thinking or pausing. Kinda like when you're munching and eating a snack before you even register that you're eating, it's completely unconscious. I am still grateful however that I have this opportunity and situation to change. I sort of had an insight yesterday about how I don't need to be perfect or fixed to operate in the world. I just do what I want to do. A nerve-wracking but slightly exciting development is my distaste for basically everything and everyone I engage with. Old friends, old ways of being with family members, old habits, disliking the forum even. A lot of all of it is hatred, but that's the more superficial element, it also feels like a magnetic repulsion under some guiding force. My sleep is ruined, but I woke up at 3am and I doubt I will be able to go back to sleep. I'm just gonna stay awake. I did get 6 hours sleep so hopefully I can last till tomorrow. 18 hours of staying awake. Now is the time to be productive, before I get tired later. I'm feeling hyperactive and aggressive, but also exhausted at the same time. Only way to exorcise this state is exercise. If I had some weights that would be ideal right now. My anger only grows until I do something....But the anger contradicts the exhaustion. A calm middle way. -- I do any deep journalling on paper and I should just stay there maybe. Since I dislike this forum overall as a waste of time, except for the moments I journal. Edited December 23, 2020 by lmfao Hark ye yet again — the little lower layer. All visible objects, man, are but as pasteboard masks. But in each event — in the living act, the undoubted deed — there, some unknown but still reasoning thing puts forth the mouldings of its features from behind the unreasoning mask. If man will strike, strike through the mask! How can the prisoner reach outside except by thrusting through the wall? To me, the white whale is that wall, shoved near to me. Sometimes I think there's naught beyond. But 'tis enough. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted December 30, 2020 (edited) Tuesday 29/12/2020 23:56 I've got my sleep regular and early, exceptionally rare for me, and have been working out. But nothing changes. Very few people are aware of what actual futility means, and of what it means to see that you're a false self. No matter what I do, no matter what ideology or hobby I pick up, the hidden motive to make these things fill some whole or define me fails. It's painful to see how you're a false character, and it's crazy when others don't see it in themselves.They are totally immersed in the dream, no doubt or suspicion, from the womb to the grave without a hitch. There are also those who explore the depths of their egos in wonderlands of mysticism and paint the spiritual path as one of infinite accumulation. This is false, the path is one of subtraction and self dissolution. I can now consciously admit to myself that a lot of my disturbances have been due to my old self dying. And that's unfortunate because, I don't think this is a good thing, so far it seems like only another hell awaits me from leaving this hell. -- I thought that I was willing to forfeit my life (not physical suicide) for the sake of whatever must manifest. But I see that such a commitment requires entering grief and a lot of suffering. And I don't know if I can ever muster the courage and strength of will for it. There is no point to life, and that's obvious to anyone. But nonetheless, the show goes on. Many a time I try to "stand tall" to the winds of negative emotion, but the oak tree only falls over. And I can feel that the wind will knock me over, again and again, untill I'm willing to simply let go. Let go, and let the feeling grind and rub against my core being. Still need the warrior mindset, just in a different form. Time to Captain Ahab and Eren Jeager this bitch up. The jihad on your life. ?La vida sola vi vivirás ? Edited December 30, 2020 by lmfao Hark ye yet again — the little lower layer. All visible objects, man, are but as pasteboard masks. But in each event — in the living act, the undoubted deed — there, some unknown but still reasoning thing puts forth the mouldings of its features from behind the unreasoning mask. If man will strike, strike through the mask! How can the prisoner reach outside except by thrusting through the wall? To me, the white whale is that wall, shoved near to me. Sometimes I think there's naught beyond. But 'tis enough. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted December 30, 2020 (edited) Wed 30/12/2020, 20:40 To deal with assholes in real life, I am learning one important lesson for the place that I am at. Ruthless justice ; ruthless action. Neither dumb nor reckless however. Calculated, proportional and logical. Only resorting to primitive and 'unsightly' methods if it has to come to that. Weighing pros and cons of different options, considering the collateral damage, but will still ultimately pull the trigger on something. Many people don't have the foresight to see that short term ruckus and stress of conflict is needed to settle things in the long term, too preoccupied with the reactionary emotions in the present. I can see why they don't see it though, most people are so fucking retarded and ape-like that they don't evolve or grow from experiences. And they don't engage in conflict with the right focuses or reasons. It's all too often you see someone get stuck in a pattern of aggression. It is a tricky balancing act. -- My ego, my costume, I have my fucking boundaries. And I fully accept that and embrace that. "This is how I am" , and it makes no sense to aim differently, since I'm learning with clearer sight these different things in the relative world. Cleaning my slate and relearning. One of those things being my personality, emotional needs, components of stability, dealing with external obstacles. If I am petty and angry, I cannot act or fake otherwise. It would be more delusional to act otherwise. You might call this a "different domain" to self inquiry and grasping non-relative truth. Edited December 30, 2020 by lmfao Hark ye yet again — the little lower layer. All visible objects, man, are but as pasteboard masks. But in each event — in the living act, the undoubted deed — there, some unknown but still reasoning thing puts forth the mouldings of its features from behind the unreasoning mask. If man will strike, strike through the mask! How can the prisoner reach outside except by thrusting through the wall? To me, the white whale is that wall, shoved near to me. Sometimes I think there's naught beyond. But 'tis enough. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
