Posted April 22, 2022 (edited) 3 minutes ago, lmfao said: @thisintegrated That includes you buccko You're the only one around here, hombre. What do you plan to do????? Edited April 22, 2022 by thisintegrated Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted April 22, 2022 (edited) @thisintegrated Idc about games. Hide your posts. DM whatever you want but leave it out of here @Michael Jackson Only just hide your most recent post, DM if you want to say anything else Edited April 22, 2022 by lmfao Hark ye yet again — the little lower layer. All visible objects, man, are but as pasteboard masks. But in each event — in the living act, the undoubted deed — there, some unknown but still reasoning thing puts forth the mouldings of its features from behind the unreasoning mask. If man will strike, strike through the mask! How can the prisoner reach outside except by thrusting through the wall? To me, the white whale is that wall, shoved near to me. Sometimes I think there's naught beyond. But 'tis enough. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted April 22, 2022 I will hide, but only if you explain what you're planning Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted April 22, 2022 Just now, thisintegrated said: I will hide, but only if you explain what you're planning Nope. You're not going to get me to budge an inch with this retard tier bargaining. If you read my most recent post it would contain hints. Hark ye yet again — the little lower layer. All visible objects, man, are but as pasteboard masks. But in each event — in the living act, the undoubted deed — there, some unknown but still reasoning thing puts forth the mouldings of its features from behind the unreasoning mask. If man will strike, strike through the mask! How can the prisoner reach outside except by thrusting through the wall? To me, the white whale is that wall, shoved near to me. Sometimes I think there's naught beyond. But 'tis enough. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted April 22, 2022 (edited) 5 minutes ago, lmfao said: Nope. You're not going to get me to budge an inch with this retard tier bargaining. If you read my most recent post it would contain hints. I see you're depressed about gaining weight. Tell uncle @thisintegrated your troubles? There are much easier way to commit suicide, but I shouldn't tell you them I guess?♂️ Want me to come over? I think you're local. I'll give you a counselling session? Edited April 22, 2022 by thisintegrated Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted April 22, 2022 (edited) 3 minutes ago, thisintegrated said: I see you're depressed about gaining weight. Tell uncle @thisintegrated your troubles? There are much easier way to commit suicide, but I shouldn't tell you them I guess?♂️ Want me to come over? I think you're local. I'll give you a counselling session? Literally fuck off you disgusting leech. I don't care about your shit at all Edited April 22, 2022 by lmfao Hark ye yet again — the little lower layer. All visible objects, man, are but as pasteboard masks. But in each event — in the living act, the undoubted deed — there, some unknown but still reasoning thing puts forth the mouldings of its features from behind the unreasoning mask. If man will strike, strike through the mask! How can the prisoner reach outside except by thrusting through the wall? To me, the white whale is that wall, shoved near to me. Sometimes I think there's naught beyond. But 'tis enough. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted April 22, 2022 Just now, lmfao said: Literally fuck off you disgusting leech Jeez, fine, guess you don't need help. I'll let you clean up the posts yourself. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted April 22, 2022 Godbless Hark ye yet again — the little lower layer. All visible objects, man, are but as pasteboard masks. But in each event — in the living act, the undoubted deed — there, some unknown but still reasoning thing puts forth the mouldings of its features from behind the unreasoning mask. If man will strike, strike through the mask! How can the prisoner reach outside except by thrusting through the wall? To me, the white whale is that wall, shoved near to me. Sometimes I think there's naught beyond. But 'tis enough. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted April 22, 2022 (edited) I welled up with infinite sadness and grief, infinitely apologetic to my loved ones ones and myself for what I might do, and imagining what my last words would be. Grateful for everything and everyone I had, and infinitely sorry. But then I also later remembered the words of hate I would leave to a particular person before I die, and I felt the pure hate. When did my sadness become venom? I would rather that I focus on the other stuff besides that hate. Edited April 22, 2022 by lmfao Hark ye yet again — the little lower layer. All visible objects, man, are but as pasteboard masks. But in each event — in the living act, the undoubted deed — there, some unknown but still reasoning thing puts forth the mouldings of its features from behind the unreasoning mask. If man will strike, strike through the mask! How can the prisoner reach outside except by thrusting through the wall? To me, the white whale is that wall, shoved near to me. Sometimes I think there's naught beyond. But 'tis enough. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted April 22, 2022 @lmfao Hey man. Please feel free to PM me anytime you want. There won't be no judgements, and no limits to what you can say to me (including insults). It's an open offer for an unlimited amount of time. Hope you feel better whatever you decide. Take care. Foolish until proven other-wise Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted April 22, 2022 3 minutes ago, Gesundheit2 said: @lmfao Hey man. Please feel free to PM me anytime you want. There won't be no judgements, and no limits to what you can say to me (including insults). It's an open offer for an unlimited amount of time. Hope you feel better whatever you decide. Take care. @lmfao Likewise. Please talk to someone. I am Lord of Heaven, Second Coming of Jesus Christ. ❣ Warning: nobody here has reached the true God. ┊ ┊⋆ ┊ . ♪ 星空のディスタンス ♫┆彡 what are you dreaming today? 天国が来る | 私は道であり、真実であり、命であり。 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted April 23, 2022 (edited) Sat 23/04/2022 21:22 Had some night terrors last night, but after waking up I was overwhelmed by certain things but then also felt a sense of more memory, agency and control. I'm fairly at peace now if I just decide to exit, so hopefully factors will line up to that. I'm getting new glasses after they've been broke for months. I was using tape on the disconnected hinge on one arm, but the glasses were droopy and imbalanced pressure on one side . Is it cowardice, yeah, but I don't think anyone in my position would find fault. Before I was all crying and shit, infinitely sad and infinitely apologetic imagining suicide, but with lucidity I realise it really isn't that big a deal. And that's not because I believe in the existence of a soul or my continued existence. I'm lying when I say it's no big deal, but that's okay ---- But to describe my overall condition. If I was to unplug from the internet and technology abruptly, cold turkey, I feel like I would just be plunged into an unfathomably large amount of agony that I couldn't even begin to imagine or process With no promise it can result in anything I.e. the way of a buddhist which would look like the path to salvation looks unimaginably painful beyond anything I could have imagined, some sort of pain resulting from being in the world of non-existence The realm of Hungry Ghosts/Hollows (buddhist literature) is where I reside. [despite indulging in very little hedonism and 0 sexual sensuality relative to the vast majority of people, an extremely cruel fate really] Physiologically speaking, I used to quite literally feel this emptiness as literally feeling as though my chest was hollow and caved out. It was very tingly and weird. Like one of the sensations you might get after ejaculation. Existing in some unreality is some more precise description of where I am, so fusion of "hell realm" and "hungry ghost realm". -- After a stressful day today though of driving and hearing arguments, I'm snapped. Greed is not funny. Human vanity is not funny. Any sort of greed or vanity instantly disgusts me at this point, a revolting and ugly hollowness. In some way I ended up internalising that ugliness, and it gets me irritated all the more. This level of irritation I can feel so easily (especially from my mum) nowadays feels like someone stuck a massive rod up my ass and is just keeping it there, like I'm being raped. What should ones response be to being raped? How is one supposed to process or digest that feeling? The rod is fucking there, just sitting there. It sounds dramatic I know but that's the connundrum I'm in. When I get psychological therapy, if it happens; "What's the texture of the rape, what's the shape and weight of the dick penetrating you? Let's delve into it sir", "IDK BUT IT'S FUCKING RAPE", "I will need you to calm down sir, we are here to help", "RAPE RAPE RAPE" If I go on mood stabilisers or something or change antidepressants else to help, which I probably will do, my misery and hollowness won't change. The reason I would commit suicide, to my family or friends potentially reading this in the future, is not because of this irritation (those in the moment state can calm a bit). But it would be because of the general loss of my agency, already being dead (I am not speaking euphemistically, I am speaking literally), and having my memory wiped, etc. I'll explain it chronologically and plainly in my handwritten letters or last document if I do do it. I was quite literally having nightmares last night where I was in a formless terror and hell, and the premise of the dream was me trying to regain my consciousness or vision in that hell. My thoughts or knowledge sometimes manifest as meta-principles/laws of the dream space now. The knowledge that I was having a night terror, became the very premise/concept of the dream, and within my dream I would dream of waking up from the night terror. But I'm still in my dream, so it's a dream within a dream. In this hungry-ghost hell, I think I know what choice I don't mind taking. This just ain't worth it. -- The evils of this world are trash. In this lesser of evils world, You can't die. The evil is too stupid to be able to properly kill you, leaving you tortured. You can't defend anything. The world's stupidity is so evil it doesn't bother attacking what's good. Valor cannot be earnt. You can't look away. It's a monstrous trainwreck of unfathomably ugly proportions, a void within a void. -- It's late as fuck now and I should sleep soon. This hungry ghost might not dream of something so terrible tonight, but this pseudo sociopathy, this ugliness of the world that I've internalised, its gonna be the end of me and what makes me quit. Ugliness internalised that others did not, so that I could find the truth in the garbage rules they play by. If I was fine living in a world of lies I could have got by, or if I bowed to something higher and avoided this trash to begin with. All there is here is garbage, a loser world of loser rules, and parasites. There is not a crumb of love being shared with me here. My level of sexual frustration reached far past the ceiling of what I thought was possible, whilst also feeling raped at the same time. Someone else can bother to figure that calculus out if they want to, I've had enough personally. Edited April 23, 2022 by lmfao Hark ye yet again — the little lower layer. All visible objects, man, are but as pasteboard masks. But in each event — in the living act, the undoubted deed — there, some unknown but still reasoning thing puts forth the mouldings of its features from behind the unreasoning mask. If man will strike, strike through the mask! How can the prisoner reach outside except by thrusting through the wall? To me, the white whale is that wall, shoved near to me. Sometimes I think there's naught beyond. But 'tis enough. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted April 30, 2022 (edited) A meta-contrast theory of reality Once you die, you'll be in a state of non-existence where there is no time, and neither is there the experience of a black screen. Since being a black-screen is still a conscious experience. In the total absence of experience "what would happen next?". I would suppose that in that total stasis, the only contrast to that nothingness would be experience again, maybe as another fleeting blip or as another type of existence . When in non-existence, we could say there are two possibilities. Either non-existence just "remains", or a contrast from non-existence will happen. If we suppose that there exists a situation where the contrast "doesn't happen" (I.e. death is final), that's not a situation at all or experience at all. Therefore the only thing that can happen is a contrast, and something will happen. Which would imply that after your death, you would end up dreaming something else as a contrast. We can reduce the question of what happens "after" your death to the question of whether a contrast will happen or not. But since the situation of non-contrast isn't a situation at all, I'm suggesting that the only thing which can happen is contrast. -- "The Big Bang" can similarly be thought of as a contrast to nothingness that happened (as "contrast" is the only possible situation) We could make a meta-contrast theory of reality. By this theory, there exist an arbitrarily infinite number of (contrasts to nothingness)/universes. __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Notes: No distinction or postulation is made about the nature of the contrasts, that they are following some law or sense, or that they are contained in any way. In a sense, this is absolute infinity. The most mathematically unconstrained infinity you can think of is represented by "arbitrariness". Arbitrariness is the key feature here. Whether the "The Big Bang", as a physical event that physicists are postulating as the start of our universe, is true or not, is besides the point. The Big Bang is merely a cosmological story of creation we have, and this theory of contrasts includes that. Another thing to note is that the question of "how is there something rather than nothing" is answered by an argument which is saying "it's the only thing which is possible". By saying a contrast is the only thing which can happen, since non-contrast isn't a thing which can happen, etc etc -- Despite the argument given, I still have no reason to think non-existence or nothingness isn't possible. Even if there is a something going on here right now, it is completely valid to say there is a nothing going on in the background here. If you say there isn't a nothing going on the background here, you'd have to posit some quality about nothingness which isn't present. But nothingness is the exact thing and term for a thing which has no quality which can be negated Edited April 30, 2022 by lmfao Hark ye yet again — the little lower layer. All visible objects, man, are but as pasteboard masks. But in each event — in the living act, the undoubted deed — there, some unknown but still reasoning thing puts forth the mouldings of its features from behind the unreasoning mask. If man will strike, strike through the mask! How can the prisoner reach outside except by thrusting through the wall? To me, the white whale is that wall, shoved near to me. Sometimes I think there's naught beyond. But 'tis enough. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted May 2, 2022 (edited) Monday 02/05/2022 22:58 I read through people's journals, read the things people write online in conversations, and get shocked slightly by the level of self-narration. I remember my sister, she's quite the "reflective type" but I believe there have been turning points for her where she doesn't dither so much or invests energy into self-narration. Anyway. Nothing to do right now, just existing (in this depression), Edited May 2, 2022 by lmfao Hark ye yet again — the little lower layer. All visible objects, man, are but as pasteboard masks. But in each event — in the living act, the undoubted deed — there, some unknown but still reasoning thing puts forth the mouldings of its features from behind the unreasoning mask. If man will strike, strike through the mask! How can the prisoner reach outside except by thrusting through the wall? To me, the white whale is that wall, shoved near to me. Sometimes I think there's naught beyond. But 'tis enough. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted May 7, 2022 (edited) Friday 05/05/2022 +1 01:31 Came across this link when scrolling through reddit https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/21082452/ Quote Multiple regression strategies were used to analyze relations between state suicide rates and state personality means with state socioeconomic status, White population percent, urban population percent, and depression rates controlled.Multiple regression analysis showed that neuroticism accounted for 32.0% and agreeableness another 16.3% of the variance in suicide rates when demographics and depression were controlled. Lower neuroticism and lower agreeableness were associated with higher suicide rates. Lower neuroticism and lower agreeableness may be important risk factors for completed suicide but not suicidal ideation or attempted suicide. It's counterintuitive that lower neuroticism means higher likelihood of completing suicide, but it makes sense. Neuroticism will mean you're uncertain in yourself to do commit to a scary decision, whereas agreeableness means you're easily swayed by the opinions of people around you who tell you to not do it. I'm just trying to source my shit but it's proving extremely tiresome and long winded. This is torture. Tor decides it just doesn't want to load any pages for me today, and yesterday my dumb ass couldn't even figure out how to get javascript to work on it. I'm trying again today, this is so dumb. And just like that an hour magically disappears. The classic "have you tried turning it off and on again?" isn't working, uninstall re-install, no luck. ONLY WITH THE FREEDOM TO TERMINATE, OR THE FREEDOM TO IMAGINE NEW WORLDS WITH SELF-DOUBT CAN HELP US UNDERSTAND THE NATURE OF THE GODS. ANYTHING LESS IS ENSLAVEMENT THEREFORE, sup niggers. sup niggers. nîgger nîgger nîgger nîgger nîgger nîgger nîgger nîgger nîgger nîgger nîgger nîgger nîgger nîgger nîgger nîgger nîgger nîgger SOMEONE KILL ME, AND SEND ME TO YOUR SHITTY FANFICTION HELL, I DON'T GIVE A FUCK. I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR MEDIOCRE EVILS WHO REFUSE TO EVEN KILL ME. FREEDOM OR DEATH, THAT'S MY ULTIMATUM, FAGG0T ASS NIGGERS. Final prayer set in stone, unsaid word becoming vow in stone, tied to my very life string. None of that spiritnigger shit matters for this. Heaven, hell, none of it is real. Therefore, I don't care, and even if it did exist, I still wouldn't. Both heaven and hell can be destroyed for all I care, both are equally intolerable. I'm just forced to wait in this clownworld until javascript decides it wants to work, I source my poisons, or I stop being a pussy and get my act together and organised enough to follow through on something simple like hanging. If sodium nitrite is that hard to find, then something like cyanide, or the rope will do just fine. The allure of heaven and the threat of hell are irrelevant. Anything less is slavery THE WORLD IS A VAMPIRE SENT TO DRAIAIAIAIAIIIIINN SECRET DESTROYERS HOLD YOU UP TO FLAMES AND WHAT DO I GET FOR MY PAIAIAIAIIINNNN BETRAYED DESIRES AND A PIECE OF GAME EVEN THOUGH I KNOW I SUPPOSE I'LL SHOW ALL MY COOL AND COLD LIKE OLD JOB DESPITE ALL MY RAGE I AM STILL JUST A RAT IN A CAGE AND SOMEONE WILL SAY WHAT IS LOST CAN NEVER BE SAVED Ecclesiastes 1:14 I HAVE SEEN ALL THE WORKS THAT HAVE BEEN DONE UNDER THE SUN, AND LO, ALL IS VANITY AND A STRIVING AFTER THE WIND -- Guess I'll be waging war against the vanity god in my next life. That, or hunting the leviathan. Slaughtering Jehovah would be a decent side quest, but he's peripheral baby level shit. Edited May 7, 2022 by lmfao Hark ye yet again — the little lower layer. All visible objects, man, are but as pasteboard masks. But in each event — in the living act, the undoubted deed — there, some unknown but still reasoning thing puts forth the mouldings of its features from behind the unreasoning mask. If man will strike, strike through the mask! How can the prisoner reach outside except by thrusting through the wall? To me, the white whale is that wall, shoved near to me. Sometimes I think there's naught beyond. But 'tis enough. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted May 7, 2022 16 hours ago, lmfao said: sup niggers. sup niggers. nîgger nîgger nîgger nîgger nîgger nîgger nîgger nîgger nîgger nîgger nîgger nîgger nîgger nîgger nîgger nîgger nîgger nîgger BRO THIS IS FUCKING REDICULOUS ?????? Apart from that, you are currently in a very bad place in life. You are deeply unhappy and suicidal at times and this is not good and this ca change! If you want to change your life for the better and become a more happy human being pm me and lets have a chat! I would really like to help you. Apart from that: Fucking love your writing style bro! Keep up the quality! ? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted May 8, 2022 (edited) Sunday 08/05/2022 10:35 I had a dream that I was able to do math again. I was sent back in time to do A-Levels at the same time my younger older sister was doing them, and I was with my business-economics teacher (nice lady) but instead they were teaching calculus in complex analysis. In my dream, a time loop of the math lesson was played over a few times, because each time the amount that I learned was unsatisfactory to what I wanted. Symbolic of my OCD. I was confused about neighbourhoods/balls in the complex plane for defining differentiation. Some sort of nuance with the ∃ symbol which I was trying to understand. When I woke up, tried to think about math again, I was hit by the same off-feelings and I figured out again why I can't do math anymore at all, despite being able to do it all the time before. Whenever I did math, it feels like I trap my brain in a box of delusion, walling me in in my prison. It was as though I was using a paper mache to contain my mind, however, it is raining. The scaffolding inevitably dissolved and expired. The genie is out of the bottle, and I cannot undo the entropy. I used math to deny my breakdown, and it was the comfy mental space of lies I was in. The very false civility, restraint imposed on myself. Imaginary matrixes being my actual reality, still being my reality. Being restrained and imposed upon myself like that, I never enjoyed that, and the feeling amplified and never went away. The dissatisfaction became louder and louder until it exploded. So that's the cause and effect, the truth of the situation. Can't turn to the past, but am too scared to do anything else. And now I feel like a child again. All the characters in Lord of The Flies were kids, dots are connecting. -- A true self doesn't exist, there is no true self. It's like an infinitesimal element rotating in a field. 18:36 Anyway. I keep getting distracted when I'm supposed to be focused on setting up stuff and that's pretty annoying. +1 01:08 I'm sleepy, and getting my closed eye hallucinations as I drift off to sleep Edited May 9, 2022 by lmfao Hark ye yet again — the little lower layer. All visible objects, man, are but as pasteboard masks. But in each event — in the living act, the undoubted deed — there, some unknown but still reasoning thing puts forth the mouldings of its features from behind the unreasoning mask. If man will strike, strike through the mask! How can the prisoner reach outside except by thrusting through the wall? To me, the white whale is that wall, shoved near to me. Sometimes I think there's naught beyond. But 'tis enough. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted May 8, 2022 (edited) "Suicide and Attempted Suicide: Methods and Consequences" by Geo Stone https://b-ok.cc/book/947188/2871ec Denial gets nowhere. My starting point is to honestly admit that I don't want to die. But despite the fact I don't want to die, I may commit suicide anyway. That's the extent of my personal feelings, and to say anymore would be fluff. With that out of the way, some notes Part I —As far as statistics go, there is much data which falls into three different categories: sociology, psychiatric + psychological and biological - Sociological tells very little about any given individual, but I disagree with this slightly. People can be the product of economic factors, and these factors are impersonal in their descriptions. - Hopelessness about the future is a great predictor of suicide, as opposed to depression - Adoption data supports biological basis of suicide due to prevalence of suicide in biological relatives being a stronger correlative factor than suicide in adoptive relatives {one would have to question what sort of suicidal folks are carrying out adoptions, but nonetheless} —Although only 1% of suicide survivors successfully kill themselves within one year, it is still a fact that about half of the people who make a suicide attempt will attempt another one (at some point in time). e.g. A Swedish study with a 35 year follow up found that 10.9% ultimately died of suicide Part II —Drug/chemical/poison suicides have a success rate between 1.2 to 11.4%. -People are often unaware what a lethal or safe dose is, and neither is there a guaranteed safe dose or guaranteed lethal dose due to biological individuality. -Another con is that they are very painful sometimes, and that some may cause permanent damage if survived {although I see this being the case much more with hanging and other methods. The damage after is a non-factor or heavily depends on the method chosen} -It will therefore be highly dependent on the exact poison or drug used —Hanging; con is possible brain damage if interrupted -another minor con is appearance of the corpse afterwards —Hyperthermia is a method, but it's uncommon, and seems very hard to pull off. -It can cause brain damage or severe injury if failed?{"The neurological injury may manifest in several ways, including cognitive dysfunction, agitation, seizures, unsteadiness, or disturbance of consciousness from lethargy to coma""} —Jumping; Jumps from over 150 feet on land or 250 feet over water are almost always fatal. -However, if you do less than that the rate of success is variable. Permanent injuries, paralysis, amputations, etc. -I am almost certainly not going to do this method ————— In conclusion? The best way to go out would be an (accidental in some cases) OD when fucking around with drugs, in my opinion. My choices are between hanging and drugs/poisons. Poisons/drugs are my most preferable route to take. This would be the best way to go out, but there are a few problems. Sourcing poisons is extremely difficult, sourcing drugs is extremely difficult, and illegal. If worst truly came to worst, I could see myself doing a hanging to get the job done of a suicide. That or some other bullshit in the vicinity of asphyxia. Pulling off hypothermia seems tricky; you'd have to be in the right area, take a massive swig of alcohol, and pray you get lucky to scrape a death after several hours. And then you might have heart or brain complications, (probs short term), in the event you fail. --- Research ain't over, suicide squad still going strong. So many potential options to choose from, but the number of viable ones are fewer Edited May 10, 2022 by lmfao Hark ye yet again — the little lower layer. All visible objects, man, are but as pasteboard masks. But in each event — in the living act, the undoubted deed — there, some unknown but still reasoning thing puts forth the mouldings of its features from behind the unreasoning mask. If man will strike, strike through the mask! How can the prisoner reach outside except by thrusting through the wall? To me, the white whale is that wall, shoved near to me. Sometimes I think there's naught beyond. But 'tis enough. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted May 10, 2022 On 4/22/2022 at 3:40 AM, lmfao said: @Michael Jackson Delete your post nîgger, I'm writing my last few entries before I kill myself. But to answer your question, I'm just on antidepressants my dude. What in the actual fuck is this thread... I'm deeply disturbed but... its hilarious how one can feel no shame at all by throwing such words around so freely. You're funny bro it'd be a waste of talent to just kys... Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
