Is it possible your passion fade away?

[brugluiz]

When I was a kid, I really, really enjoyed drawing. I really would get immersed in drawing Dragon Ball characters and many other stuff (Pokémon, Lion King, Smilingüidos, etc). My imagination would go far away. I would draw many versions of the same character. It was really fun. I would create Tamogotchi characters in my computer. I would even animate it.

I even started a college course of Graphic Design and I enjoyed most of the semesters I studied. I dropped the course because I wasn't feeling alive anymore. It's important to notice that studying Graphic Design doesn't mean you study drawing.

Nowadays, I take antipsychotic and it seems to be a bit tough to connect with my imagination. I always thought that I wouldn't get psychotic if I was connected with my passion, then I assumed that drawing isn't my passion. Sometimes when I draw, I feel I have the gift. I feel that, if I invested on it, I would be a great artist. But I'm too much of a perfectionist. I can't accept I can't draw beautiful stuff. Of course I need to practice drawing in order to get better, but I have fear. I fear that maybe it isn't the right path. I fear that maybe I'm wasting my time when trying to get better at drawing.

And the most important: I feel pleasure when I draw, but that pleasure fades away when I get too perfectionist. I think: "this drawing is a crap! I should give up. It will take too much work to get good. And even if I put too much work, I think it will still be a crap" I can notice the cortisol increasing when I'm drawing. I can notice when I'm getting upset due to my perfectionism.

Everybody says I draw very well. My family and my friends say that. If someone thinks I don't draw well, they at least say that I can improve. But when I see my drawings, I get upset because they're ugly and full of flaws. I want to be the best at once. I want my drawings to be the most beautiful right now.

When I notice I can't draw beautiful stuff, I ask myself: "and what if it's not the right path?", "and what if I should become a pick-up artist? Pick-up art seems to be fun, so maybe I should do that." But PUA stuff seems to be more orange level and drawing can be in any spiral dynamics level (even turquoise).

When I hold a pencil, I feel I'm connected to it. I feel I can draw and articulate anything. But I also compare myself with other people. I compare myself with the other artists and get no motivation anymore because there are giants in the world.

How to be sure of your passion? Should I invest on drawing and see what happens? Or should I keep looking for a passion that will make me motivated every time?

[Nahm]

Harness your passion by zooming in & zooming out. Relish in the intensity of your artistic focus (zoomed in). But know, be aware, when that focus is becoming spent / unwinding  (perfectionism creeping in) and step away. Go for a walk, meditate, do whatever, but step away from the project and zoom out - go bigger picture general & simple - just go outside and notice the beauty of nature, the sky, take some deep breaths and relax head to toe a few times. 

You can’t just flex a muscle and hold it flexed and expect it to develop. The relax is as important as the flex. The retreat is as important as the forward thinking. The zoom out is as important as the zoom in. You have to be conscious of doing both. Sounds like you’ve been hammering the zooming in. 

This cycle might be two minutes, then later 10 minutes...while you’re ‘getting your groove back’, but it will develop beyond even what you’ve experienced so far if you practice. Otherwise, you are just hoping lightening strikes. Hoping inspiration “hits”. 

[Max_V]

@Nahm I’ve been noticing the same problem when I draw. Your comment is really insightful, Thank you. 

[egoeimai]

@brugluiz I see why is that. When you were a kid you're free to behave nomatter the outcome but theeen this behavior of wanting to be perfect came in surface later in age. Anyway,it doesnt matter anymore. You have to un-learn it now. That means ,by awareness of the moment, you gotta see your tendencies to be perfect (are unreal) and try to take risks to draw stupid shit and expose yourself to criticism as well. You must learn that opinions of others are irrelevant to your passion. 

Also, I sense anxiety. When you draw,you do it for the sake of it,not for it to be perfect. Otherwise you don't enjoy as much. Furthermore,lol your drawing will improve just by dropping perfectionism.

Have fun 

xx

 

[Guest Quanty]

Meditation will reconnect you with your passions, and also with those passions you did not realize you had. 

[brugluiz]

Thanks for the answers, guys!

I'm drawing again and I'm feeling the joy of doing it. I want to get better at it in order to work with illustration and art. I don't want to start a college degree again because I see no reason for it. I want to become an enterpreneurial artist, so college won't help with my path. I'm still figuring out how I'll work with illustration. I have some fear because I still think my drawing aren't good enough to sell.

[Nahm]

@brugluiz Eye of the beholder. Law of large numbers. & Get feedback.