Sort Yourself Out, Bucko

[Hero of Time]

In the summer of 2017, I reached a crisis point where I realized my addictions were out of control and having a deeply detrimental impact on my wife and family. She asked me to not sleep in the house any longer and I began couch surfing.

One of the first things I did was look up how to handle addiction, and came across Leo's Overcoming Addiction - The Root Cause of Every Addiction video. It was unlike anything I had watched up to that point.

I was in a loop of toxic shame, believing that my addiction was evidence of having an evil heart. Leo presented a different idea, that at the root cause of every addiction is our inability to be present with reality.

It has been a slow journey for me since August, as whatever my wife was looking for during our separation she did not find. She asked for a divorce and it has broken my heart as well as the heart of my three little children (all boys, all awesome).

Thanks also to the work of Dr. Jordan Peterson, I’m working on sorting out my life. I attended a six-week in-patient recovery program for sex and love addiction, and now that I am back on my own (I have split custody), I am determined to put some turbo-chargers on my self-development.

If Johan Hari is right, then the opposite of addiction is not sobriety, but human connection. I want to connect with y’all at Actualized.org because the ideas that Leo talks about resonate deeply with me, and they clearly have with you as well.

To that end, I’m starting this public journal as a way of chronicling where I am right now and where I am going. Whether anyone reads it or not, I’m writing these things out first and foremost for myself.

The proper way to fix the world isn’t to fix the world. There’s no reason to assume that you’re even up to such a task. But you can fix yourself. You’ll do no one any harm by doing so. And in that manner, at least, you will make the world a better place.
—Jordan Peterson

[Hero of Time]

Sunday, June 24, 2018

Yesterday, I was in a suicidal state for most of the morning. This is my weekend to be by myself. My addictions to thinking, porn (themes of not being enough are strong with me), masturbation, sexual relationships, video games, screen time... they were in full force because I was feeling particularly isolated and alone and unable to deal with reality.

I’m not going to shame myself for it. Why do that?

I did manage to clean my room. There is still a box of paperwork I have been resisting dealing with because I’m afraid of what I’ll find. I am putting all of the things I need to deal with on my kitchen table today to start working through.

I also meditated for one straight hour. I’m very proud of that, it was a huge milestone for me.

My spiritual beliefs are very much in flux, so today I was thinking of attending an Eastern Orthodox church just for a change of pace. I don’t really think I’m ready for a spiritual community yet, though. Too much baggage from my past. I’m attending a twelve-step group locally and it's about as close to a spiritual group I feel safe in right now.

Instead, I started my journal here and decided to invest myself in this group.

I need to get a job (as I quit my job in 2016 to support the kids while my wife worked) to get some stable income but I really don’t even know where to start. This is frustrating because I have a master’s degree and live in an upwardly mobile city, but I’ve not landed a job after trying three different possibilities (complete with second interviews).

I also have my own consulting business that if I could figure out how to market better, would make a lot more money than a job. I’ve been successful on a very small scale but I don’t know how to take things to the level where I’m fully supporting myself and my boys.

Money is terrifying me. Especially since I will owe child support (long story).

I’m going to eat breakfast, meditate for 20 minutes, and then start cutting through the paperwork on my kitchen table. Peterson attributes a quote to Jung where he says that genuine moral effort was a good substitute for psychotherapy. So, I’m going to make a good effort at getting through the crap on my kitchen table.

Edited June 24, 2018 by Hero of Time
Repeating myself

[Hero of Time]

Monday, June 25, 2018

Woke up from a dream that involved being abandoned. It brought to my experience an immense amount of pain, I spent a good half hour letting it all out. (relaxing my body as best as I can and sobbing my eyes out)

It made me realize that my fear of abandonment is driving a lot of my ego. It likely has for years and years.

While non-duality and getting past the ego and a recognition of nothingness are appealing ideas, I haven’t let go of enough yet. I’m still hanging on and I sense that the only way through is to keep letting go.

I’ve searched all my life for God, for the Holy Spirit, for a Higher Power. People from various walks of life have commended their own paths.

I want this for me. I need to discover for myself.

Even if this runs somewhat counter to the ideas presented here, I want to tell myself that I will never leave myself, nor forsake myself. I feel like that is God’s voice.

Not God as in a separate entity, but the divinity inside me all along, inside everything.

Edited June 25, 2018 by Hero of Time

[AdamDiC]

@Hero of Time  I think you are a very brave and courageous individual who has a good heart. Keep working on yourself with love and compassion and one day you’ll look back and laugh at these days.

[Hero of Time]

Saturday, June 30th, 2018

Trying to figure out why when it feels like I’m just starting to get some momentum, I completely self-sabotage myself and lose all resilience to keep going.

Before, when I’d fall down, I’d spend a great deal of time lamenting my failures. I want to get back up quickly, I have not responded well to this week.

The biggest thing making me unstable is the difficulty of letting go of my ex-wife. Letting go of her and embracing my life without her, with all its responsibilities resting on my own shoulders, has constantly left me feeling paralyzed.

I wished it got me motivated, but I just want to disappear.

But I’m not dropping off. There’s much ahead of me that I can’t see yet.