I really need help...

[kieranperez]

I've touched on this before but I'm truly struggling mentally and emotionally with how the hell I'm going to move out from home right now. Right now I'm 23 and wasn't able to go to college after my first 2 semester in junior college due to mental health reasons and now I don't have a college degree nor any real skills right now to get even a decent paying job outside of retail (which is where I'm working right now and only being given part-time). I've been "working towards a real estate license" for the last 3 years now (quotes because I'm so off and on working on getting my real estate license) and it's taken this long because I absolutely fucking hate it. More than that, the only reason I got into it initially 3+ years ago was because my initial plan was to just work for my dad. Problem is, our relationship between him and I is so toxic that I can't bear the idea of working for him. I'm belittled and made stupid and everyday and am told I'm some outcast waste product whose a leaching scumbag because I'm struggling right now in life. He's told me "you won't be moving out for at least 5 years that's how low you are in your competency and your ability to hunt. And you know what? I'm not funding you. You're a bad investment." Everyday I'm lying to myself about how I have to do this short term so I can just move out and then transition but this is just so unhealthy. I'm criticized and belittled on everything I say and do. When I need to step away after he and I have a fight, I get texts from him saying I'm just like my mom who has disassociative identity disorder and how I'm crazy just like her (they're divorced now). I'm moralized to because because of my anger (which I feel because I'm mad at myself for ever letting my life get to this point) and called an angry person every single day. I struggle socially and don't have people to hang with usually (because I'm ashamed to tell people I'm 23 living with my dad and have to sleep in the same bed as him all while only being able to get work in retail) and am told everyday that I don't have friends because I'm an asshole. 

I literally have meltdowns every single day and can't enjoy doing anything in my life at this point. My passions are just swallowed up by the dread of coming home and the shame and confusion of where I am in life and having no idea of how I'm going to get out anytime soon. I have no place to meditate and when I do meditate I'm told I'm just deluded. I feel like I'm going to lose myself and go crazy or even get suicidal again if this continues to stay this way here. I was 5150'd last August and when my Dad found out when I got home I was just ridiculed for being an attention whore and called crazy. I've gotten a lot better but this is just getting too much. I have my Life Purpose and I know I can succeed in it long term but 1. I can't work on it here because I'm yelled everyday about it, 2. this is a long term thing I that will take time to earn money in and succeed in and at this point mentally emotionally, I need to get out of where I am before then. I don't have several more years to be here in this house. 

What makes this even harder is that I'm also living in San Francisco which is the most expensive place to rent in the US (not to mention virtually impossible to find places to rent, much less for a decent budget). 

I really don't know what to do at this point. I'm not looking for some "just breathe" replies or some stuff on enlightenment right now or how all of this is illusory. 

Much appreciated..

[Sparkist]

1st thing, I would say, is to get the hell away from your Dad and move out. Whatever is going on is obviously toxic to you and is holding you back. It sounds as though anything would be better than what you have currently. It's emotional abuse from what I can gather. Do you have any savings at all?? Can you go stay in a shelter or something?! I just googled San Francisco homeless shelters and there is a place called The Sanctuary that looks like it has some good reviews. Can you speak to local governmental services about your situation? Is there help for people in your situation? I'm in the UK so it's probably pretty different.

This is just my advice, I'm not suggesting you do anything that absolutely isn't right for you. This might be way off the mark. But, from what you'd written it sounds like leaving is the biggest issue to tackle.

[aurum]

39 minutes ago, kieranperez said:

I have my Life Purpose and I know I can succeed in it long term but 1. I can't work on it here because I'm yelled everyday about it, 2. this is a long term thing I that will take time to earn money in and succeed in and at this point mentally emotionally, I need to get out of where I am before then. I don't have several more years to be here in this house. 

What is your life purpose?

[kieranperez]

1 hour ago, aurum said:

What is your life purpose?

Reshaping the running world in through coaching from intermediate-sub elite - top level runners from 800 meters on the track to cross country, to road racing, to 100+ mile distances in short (don’t have the statement down). I have a lot of connections and stuff (I know a 2012 Olympic silver medalist in the 800m and a lot of pros) but I have no coaching background to actually get people to work with and what not. Coaching elite athletes really is just one of those things you either gotta work up the ranks from like high-college etc or try and survive by getting someone to read your blog just so you look like you know what you’re talking about (happens from time to time but pretty rare).

[kieranperez]

1 hour ago, Ether said:

Masturbating

 

Big talk from the guy that posts garbage rap on SoundCloud that gets no views, spends all his time on the forum talking smack about all your “attainments” (anyone can claim anything) and glorified overrated shallow rappers like Kanye. 

If you want to troll me, hmu on my inbox. Don’t need your nonsense on a post where I could use some help. 

[kieranperez]

Just now, Ether said:

@kieranperez Someone is mad?

Work on your anger, like I did.

Getting higher awareness, like I did.

Work everyday on it, like I did.

Glorify your ego elsewhere dude. Deceive yourself on another thread. 

[kieranperez]

1 minute ago, Ether said:

@kieranperez I wasnt even going to go further or i might get a ban

Work on your issues (lik...

Good on you cause I’m reporting you. Back at you regarding your issues

[kieranperez]

1 hour ago, Sparkist said:

1st thing, I would say, is to get the hell away from your Dad and move out. Whatever is going on is obviously toxic to you and is holding you back. It sounds as though anything would be better than what you have currently. It's emotional abuse from what I can gather. Do you have any savings at all?? Can you go stay in a shelter or something?! I just googled San Francisco homeless shelters and there is a place called The Sanctuary that looks like it has some good reviews. Can you speak to local governmental services about your situation? Is there help for people in your situation? I'm in the UK so it's probably pretty different.

This is just my advice, I'm not suggesting you do anything that absolutely isn't right for you. This might be way off the mark. But, from what you'd written it sounds like leaving is the biggest issue to tackle.

Thanks. Yeah I just think that’s a bit of an extreme measure in terms of the homeless shelter thing. I have just a few hundred dollars in savings. I have nowhere I can move.

[Sparkist]

24 minutes ago, kieranperez said:

Thanks. Yeah I just think that’s a bit of an extreme measure in terms of the homeless shelter thing. I have just a few hundred dollars in savings. I have nowhere I can move.

Yes, it is an extreme measure for sure. I'm sorry you're going through all this. There's nothing wrong with being 23 and living at home, btw. But I wish you the best of luck in changing your circumstances so that they best suit you and your life purpose. And I hope someone can shed some light on how you can do that. 

[aurum]

1 hour ago, kieranperez said:

Reshaping the running world in through coaching from intermediate-sub elite - top level runners from 800 meters on the track to cross country, to road racing, to 100+ mile distances in short (don’t have the statement down). I have a lot of connections and stuff (I know a 2012 Olympic silver medalist in the 800m and a lot of pros) but I have no coaching background to actually get people to work with and what not. Coaching elite athletes really is just one of those things you either gotta work up the ranks from like high-college etc or try and survive by getting someone to read your blog just so you look like you know what you’re talking about (happens from time to time but pretty rare).

Why does your dad yelling at you cause you to stop putting in effort on this? What does he say?

 

Not saying you’re wrong for doing so. Just looking to understand the situation.