Letting Go Of A Particular Attachment To Progress Further Toward Enlightenment

[Emerald]

So, enlightenment is a complete awareness that everything is in constant flux. When I had my 'ego-transcendence' experiences, I was free from attachment and not afraid of anything including death. So, I had no attachment to my own mortality or ego. I preferred to live and enjoyed life very much, but if I were to have died then I would have accepted it without resistance. This is one of the things that I missed most about those experiences. Now that I am not in that state of being, I have all sorts of attachments and resistances.

One particularly problematic attachment, I feel a little nervous to share, because it's very personal to me and I go to great length to hide it in daily life. I really don't like it because it's "unbecoming" . This is attachment to my physical appearance and sexual identity.

I am 26 years old, and I'm having insecurities about getting older and losing the attention associated with being a young woman. It feels like I have this identity and that I'm not really enjoying it or using it. But I have no idea what to do with it, what I want from it, or even the full extent of why it causes me such grief and attachment. I'm not trying to attract a mate, and I don't consciously get any advantages in life from it. I'm happily married. So, it's likely sexual instincts clashing up against social norms, in a Catch 22 kind of way.

So, it becomes a weird kind of empowerment spiked with disempowerment. It is like a giant can of worms that opens up any time I try to exercise the more feminine aspects of my personality, especially anything to do with sexuality. I really hate the way that it makes me feel, because it gives me this really raw, self-hatred feeling. It really colors my identity (sexual and otherwise) in ways that feel really un-natural and stressful to me. It also makes me feel bitter and jealous that men don't have to experience this same sort of "identity death" until much later in life. I'm aware that this isn't men's fault, but it still upsets me and I have resistance to this part of nature. 

Either way, it's a major attachment that I have, and I suspect that overcoming it will be necessary before progressing further toward enlightenment. Several weeks ago, I posted about an experience that I had where it felt like my senses were "collapsing in on themselves" and like "I" was going away. I was only "brought back" when thoughts of these insecurities popped into my field of awareness from out of nowhere. I felt a really horrible, traumatic feeling after the fact. These insecurities have been on my mind 10x extra, ever since. 

So, I suspect that my ego is using these insecurities to sustain itself. 

Does anyone have any ideas of how to let go of a particular attachment, without repressing these thoughts or feelings? 

[Toby]

Did you check out the Enneagram? There is a certain subtype (sexual) which deals with issues like that. Knowing your type and subtype (and knowing that there are other ways to perceive life) can help to some degree.

[Emerald]

8 minutes ago, Toby said:

Did you check out the Enneagram? There is a certain subtype (sexual) which deals with issues like that. Knowing your type and subtype (and knowing that there are other ways to perceive life) can help to some degree.

My Enneagram type is 9 (peacemaker), with a secondary emphasis on 2 and 3 (I forget which these are). But I'm speaking specifically about getting rid of the attachment and not necessarily rationally understanding where it comes from. I think this trait likely comes from a mix of instinct, social conditionings, traumas, personal identity, and practical concerns. I've rationalized a lot about it. But I find this type of thinking unhelpful in letting go of the attachment. But I do appreciate your input.  

[99th_monkey]

sounds to me like you need to start digging,deep. i'm horribly unqualified to help you but some on here are  

[Emerald]

2 minutes ago, 99th_monkey said:

sounds to me like you need to start digging,deep. i'm horribly unqualified to help you but some on here are  

Yeah. definitely. I've had some degree of this age issue, since around the time I turned 21.  And I've always had insecurities regarding my femininity, sexuality, and attractiveness... even when I was a child. So, it's a pretty deep issue. I've thought and theorized a lot on the subject. But these understandings, don't seem to really help me surpass the attachment. 

Oddly enough, (other than my ego-transcendence experiences) the biggest relief I had regarding this insecurity was right after my 17th birthday. I had gone to a three day festival concert in Central Florida, and got sun poisoning that left my face swollen and disfigured for a few days. My eyes were almost swolen shut and the bridge of my nose was three times as thick as it normally is. I looked like I had elephantitis of the face.  I was a negative 5 on the attractiveness scale, and I knew it. All the pressure of having to be attractive was gone because there was just no semblance of attractiveness to my face. I didn't like it, on one hand. But it was liberating in a way. 

[Toby]

Well, it may just be an explanation if your subtype is sexual. It feels like dying loosing that identity while instincts like selfpreservation or social might be not so difficult to let go.

Why do you think a lot of teachers have problems with it? It happens all the time that instead of a high degree of realization students are getting sexually exploited. If it would be so easy to just transcend the attachment it wouldn't happen all the time.

So there is no need to blame oneself if the great masters cannot even handle that issue themselves.

 

Edited March 16, 2016 by Toby

[Emerald]

1 minute ago, Toby said:

Well, it may just be an explanation if your subtype is sexual. If feels like dying loosing that identity while instincts like selfpreservation or social might be not so difficult to let go.

Why do you think a lot of teachers have problems with it? It happens all the time that instead of a high degree of realization students are getting sexually exploited. If it would be so easy to just transcend the attachment it wouldn't happen all the time.

 

On a side note, I was teaching high school for 2 years and one of my co-workers is now in prison because of her inability to set her sexuality to the side. So, I agree that this is the reason. She really couldn't compartmentalize her sexuality, even in the most inappropriate of settings. 

I know that ingrained sexual identities are difficult to detach from because the emotions associated with them are strong. But I score almost equally on sexual/social/self-preservaton. It was something like 68/54/52 respectively, if we're referring to the same scale.  But my goal is to reach enlightenment and permanently transcend the ego. It is my number one goal in life. So, finding a way to detach myself from the ups and downs caused by my emotions (sexual or otherwise), is 100% necessary if I'm to achieve this end.

This particular identity (and the corresponding emotions) seem to be the bottleneck. I just can't seem to accept things as they are and detach my egoic-identity from these patterns. I just have such a strong emotional reaction that the worries and concerns suck me in every time. I've been meditating and that has been helping some. But I wanted to know if there is any other method for overcoming a specific attachment. 

[WelcometoReality]

@Emerald Wilkins I've had insecurities about myself when I had a depression. It lasted from my early teens 13-14 until i was 28. At the later years I had major feelings of worthlessness and I was determined to find out what was wrong with me. I thought I had a personality disorder. What it was I didn't know, but guessings could be all from asperger to a psychopath. I was so identified with those thoughts I started going to a psychologist to know what it was. Of couse it was all in my mind, nothing was wrong with me. What she recommended me to do was simply not engaging in those thoughts. When those thoughts appeared I started to go out on walks. Focusing on the external world instead of my thoughts. The thoughts slowly started to lose their power over me and I started to feel better.

My advice to you is simply don't engage in those thoughts. They will lose their power automatically. Use mindfullness techniques to distance yourself from them. Do the dishes or clean or whatever and focus on that. Also don't resist the thoughts. Let them appear and disappear themselves.

[Ayla]

@Emerald Wilkins

It is by EMBRACING who you (think you) are that you transcend things. Not forcing them out. Everything needed to drop from you in order to get enlightened, will drop by itself. You will find yourself not attracted to those thoughts any longer. This is the reality. There is a rhythm in this process and now it has come to a point where you are being asked: is it OK to have these insecurities?  Is it OK to feel like they belong to me?  The moment you accept them, you will also notice the phrasing or them: you HAVE them, they BELONG to you... So they are NOT YOU. It is the same as trying to kill Mr. Mind. No can do. Accept that they are there. Also, ask yourself what is your image of an enlightened person. A monk? LOL

Remember that this is a life-long process. If I was brought to the point I am today a year ago, I would be in a nuthouse right now. 

So relax into it, embrace the things that have been given you as gifts. (you>>>>>gifts). All that is necessary is that you don't identify with them. 

 

 

[Sri McDonald Trump Maharaj]

I'm just 19 and I feel the need to get sex "out of my system", I don't wanna be a fucking virgin Yogi/Zen monk for the rest of my life because I will probably stop caring about sex sooner or later. I am starting to see that sex etc won't make me happy, but dammit it's hard to let go. Sex is like my main struggle..

 

I can really sympathize with you on the feeling of loosing a younger part of yourself. I just know that I will never be "normal" ever again, it's like a point of no return, but it is for the best. The more mindful I become the more I can see what this "little me" wants to experience before it surrenders, sometimes I feel the need of having friends, sex, fitting in etc just to get one more rush out of it even though I know it won't work.

 

PS. beeing a young girl means ABSULUTLY NOTHING compared to beeing a FUCKING YODA!

 

This video cheers me up at bad times. Good luck!

 

[Toby]

Enneagram-Test are very inaccurate for getting to know ones type/subtype. But it doesn't seem to resonate with you, so I won't say anything more about it. 

Another tool that is getting used by more and more Advaita-teachers is "Somatic Experiencing" (google "Peter Levine", book: "in an unspoken voice", audiobook: "healing trauma"). It is originally for trauma-symptoms, but - as trauma and an interest with spirituality often go together - it is used by these Advaita-teachers so that people can open up to the nondual space or/and are able to embody what they realize.

Another thing I would check out if you are attached to past spiritual experiences. This is a common mistake that people make.

[Vercingetorix]

can't you use and and enjoy it with your partner?  doesn't he appreciate and enjoy your femininity?

[Emerald]

8 hours ago, WelcometoReality said:

@Emerald Wilkins I've had insecurities about myself when I had a depression. It lasted from my early teens 13-14 until i was 28. At the later years I had major feelings of worthlessness and I was determined to find out what was wrong with me. I thought I had a personality disorder. What it was I didn't know, but guessings could be all from asperger to a psychopath. I was so identified with those thoughts I started going to a psychologist to know what it was. Of couse it was all in my mind, nothing was wrong with me. What she recommended me to do was simply not engaging in those thoughts. When those thoughts appeared I started to go out on walks. Focusing on the external world instead of my thoughts. The thoughts slowly started to lose their power over me and I started to feel better.

My advice to you is simply don't engage in those thoughts. They will lose their power automatically. Use mindfullness techniques to distance yourself from them. Do the dishes or clean or whatever and focus on that. Also don't resist the thoughts. Let them appear and disappear themselves.

Great advice.  Thank you.

[Emerald]

7 hours ago, Ayla said:

@Emerald Wilkins

It is by EMBRACING who you (think you) are that you transcend things. Not forcing them out. Everything needed to drop from you in order to get enlightened, will drop by itself. You will find yourself not attracted to those thoughts any longer. This is the reality. There is a rhythm in this process and now it has come to a point where you are being asked: is it OK to have these insecurities?  Is it OK to feel like they belong to me?  The moment you accept them, you will also notice the phrasing or them: you HAVE them, they BELONG to you... So they are NOT YOU. It is the same as trying to kill Mr. Mind. No can do. Accept that they are there. Also, ask yourself what is your image of an enlightened person. A monk? LOL

Remember that this is a life-long process. If I was brought to the point I am today a year ago, I would be in a nuthouse right now. 

So relax into it, embrace the things that have been given you as gifts. (you>>>>>gifts). All that is necessary is that you don't identify with them. 

 

 

So, unconditional acceptance of these insecurities, feelings, and thoughts as well as unconditional acceptance of my inability to let them go. This makes total sense. It's very interesting how hearing something from someone else, helps clear things. Thank you.

[Emerald]

5 hours ago, Sri McDonald Trump Maharaj said:

I'm just 19 and I feel the need to get sex "out of my system", I don't wanna be a fucking virgin Yogi/Zen monk for the rest of my life because I will probably stop caring about sex sooner or later. I am starting to see that sex etc won't make me happy, but dammit it's hard to let go. Sex is like my main struggle..

 

I can really sympathize with you on the feeling of loosing a younger part of yourself. I just know that I will never be "normal" ever again, it's like a point of no return, but it is for the best. The more mindful I become the more I can see what this "little me" wants to experience before it surrenders, sometimes I feel the need of having friends, sex, fitting in etc just to get one more rush out of it even though I know it won't work.

 

PS. beeing a young girl means ABSULUTLY NOTHING compared to beeing a FUCKING YODA!

 

You may want to consider experiencing sex and other human things before committing to a life of monasticism. It would probably make it a bit easier to commit to. Giving up normalcy is difficult, but it will be worth it if it helps you to reach enlightenment. I never felt better in my whole entire life (even childhood) than when I had transcended my ego. I know that this will be the least of my cares when I truly "get there." Even death won't phase me, which is a constant semi-unconscious background fear now. Thank you for the video.  

[Ayla]

38 minutes ago, Emerald Wilkins said:

So, unconditional acceptance of these insecurities, feelings, and thoughts as well as unconditional acceptance of my inability to let them go. This makes total sense. It's very interesting how hearing something from someone else, helps clear things. Thank you.

[DJ]

@Emerald Wilkins

As far as losing attachment to the ego about how you look, I think thats a personal decision. I mean, how far does one want to detach? Stop showering, stop brushing your hair, wearing deodorant and not caring what you wear? There has to be a happy medium in my opinion.  If putting on makeup and wearing a pretty dress makes you feel good, I would say don't fight it and do it. 

I know its easier said than done, but dont worry about the future...

There are plenty of attractive older women. They embrace their femininity and share it with the world and that, my friend, is a beautiful thing! Its their gift to the world. It doesn't matter if a rose bush was just planted or is 100's of years old. As long as its producing roses, it will always be beautiful!

[Emerald]

3 hours ago, Toby said:

Enneagram-Test are very inaccurate for getting to know ones type/subtype. But it doesn't seem to resonate with you, so I won't say anything more about it. 

Another tool that is getting used by more and more Advaita-teachers is "Somatic Experiencing" (google "Peter Levine", book: "in an unspoken voice", audiobook: "healing trauma"). It is originally for trauma-symptoms, but - as trauma and an interest with spirituality often go together - it is used by these Advaita-teachers so that people can open up to the nondual space or/and are able to embody what they realize.

Another thing I would check out if you are attached to past spiritual experiences. This is a common mistake that people make.

I will definitely check out those resources. I would say this attachment is very trauma-like in that it causes so much unnecessary distress. Since being on the forum, I have come to the conclusion that I'm attached to my past spiritual experiences. I'm currently working through that attachment. But I also use it for frame of reference, which I don't know if it's helpful or not. Thank you.

[Emerald]

3 hours ago, Vercingetorix said:

can't you use and and enjoy it with your partner?  doesn't he appreciate and enjoy your femininity?

I do, and he does. But it's more complicated than that. What you're referring to are external expressions, and someone else's experience of me. I'm speaking more of my complex feelings of resistance to my own nature, sexual and otherwise. My insecurities are informed by so many different things (some that I'm conscious of an others that I'm probably unconscious of) that external expression of femininity, sexuality, or personality are always colored by my insecurities and antithetical self-loathing values; despite my best intentions to be "myself" without any qualms.

[kalter000]

@Emerald Wilkins  I can relate. Although it's not about me getting older, but not having sexual life I want. As a 22 years old male, It's hard to play high-consciousness being, when in my mind vaginas are popping out all the time. 

15 hours ago, Emerald Wilkins said:

I am 26 years old, and I'm having insecurities about getting older and losing the attention associated with being a young woman. It feels like I have this identity and that I'm not really enjoying it or using it. But I have no idea what to do with it, what I want from it, or even the full extent of why it causes me such grief and attachment.

Do you have this feeling, that you are missing out  something? I think you are suppressing your femininity and now you fear, when time will pass , that you will lose certain opportunities.

What if you are fighting with wrong enemy? Maybe instead of denying need of being attractive and sexual you should embrace it?

We can say, that you are associating your appearance with your self-worth too much or you put a lot of emphasis on being certain way- but would the same thoughts occur, if now you could express yourself with full power? It's the same as dying man feels sorry for wasted opportunities.

Maybe ,as Ayla recommended, you should accept your drives and tendencies? Think about why your mind is holding you.

P.S. sorry, if I misunderstood your problem.