motivation issues

[Viking]

tl;dr I dont want to study, but I have to study, when I study im suffering, wtf do i do

I study physics, I finish in one year and I have to get ok grades and not to drop out. after than I will have a pretty good position in army, the army pays for my studies, if i drop out, i will have to repay everything.

the position in army will involve some physics and leading projects, human relations, articulating my speech, it will be great for me, and it sounds interesting. im also interested in what im studying right now, which is quantum mechanics, statistical physics and other stuff, its very interesting.

the problem is whenever i sit to study i feel a repulsion. in my mind watching a movie is better time spent than studying. when I dont procrastinate and do get myself to do homework, to study, I suffer through it and in the back of my mind i want to finish it faster because it feels like a waste of time. i have no idea why i feel that way, i realize intellectually its not the case at all but that is what goes on in my mind.

im suffering really bad when i dont do homework or when im doing it, i have to force myself to study and that is also suffering.

even though the content is interesting i dont care that its interesting and i wanna finish it as fast as i can.

when i picture to myself in my head "studying" vs "watching a youtube video" for example, the studying is suffering and the watching feels exciting, though not always, nowadays often times im in a mood in which even watching is not interesting, not watching movies, not reading books, not anything i used to like.

The thing is that I have to study often times a lot, it takes a lot of time to finish a single set of homework and that is most of my time, I feel like its a huge waste of time, so i want to change that somehow, i want to feel that the time i invest in studying is worthwhile and not just know it.

studying time is more worthwhile than watching movies, that i know for sure, it develops my thinking capabilities, my studying capabilities, it will make me better at my future position at the army, so i dont understand why i dont feel like it is worth the time. when I think that most of my day will go into studying and that is most of my days i feel meaninglessness, repetitive daily boredom, going nowhere, existing only now, without meaning. I wouldnt mind the meaningless if it wasnt so painful, i dont have any joy in the present moment, its just empty, when i dive into that emptiness my mind remembers the meaninglessness and gets restless, it wants something to happen, to unfold, it cant just be. im always craving food or entertainment or porn, i sometimes masturbate even if i dont want to.

often times when I wake up im the most conscious, my view of life is least cluttered with my daily shit, and i notice how it gets cluttered little by little until i transition into my daily persona again. in those clean moments I feel dread for the day and the responsibilities to come, i try to surrender to it as much as i can, maybe saying "dread" is a bit much, but the feeling is uncomfortable.

My goal in life right now is to survive university and transition into army, and by the way to discover my life purpose through the course. however i realize that stuff is just to set my path, to survive, to know where im going, thats not the point of life, the point is to enjoy now, though i dunno how to do it.

I got a bit carried away but I feel a general discomfort because I have to do something I dont want to do and which is hard to do, though which is also up to my capabilities to do. sometimes i get anxiety because i know im not studying fully, as i could. i dont study fully because of that resistance, even if i would try to, and i often try, its very hard with that resistance present. pushing through that resistance creates suffering. the anxiety comes from the fear of failure. im basically sitting to do homework and i want to do something else, and it drives me nuts.

I tried to inquire into what makes that resistance, and the answer i came up with is partly what i told before, the waste of time, the desire to do something else. im studying to become the best human being i can possible be, why do i need that? to have the best life i can possibly have, I have to survive somehow, therefore i need money, but i want that money to come with least suffering, therefore i need to be a highly skilled person with good learning, thinking and verbal capabilities. in addition i want to serve people in the best way i can, that is the most meaningful thing as far as meaning goes, that is besides truth. im crying now because it's that important to me to ease people's suffering, im getting really emotional when I think about giving my life for other people, but i still have that fucking resistance which i dont know how to deal with or where it really comes from. 

how do i get rid of that resistance to study? - i know i need it and i have to do it, but i got habitual resistance therefore procrastination

how do i deal with that meaninglessness and accept i can only live now?

edit: I dont think a person can use the same thing to motivate himself for years to do something, its all about habits. But im so deep in shit thinking habits that i dont know if i can get out. I tried but its so fucking hard, almost impossible it seems like. I think the resistance is a habit, the wrong studying is a habit.

Edited June 22, 2018 by Viking

[B_Naz]

I think you're addicted to activities that give you pleasure. As you said earlier, Youtube videos is exciting and enjoyable for you, so you prefer to do that than studying. This could mean that you're addicted to pleasure and want immediate gratification, and so studying is not a pleasurable activity for you

So I say find something in studying that is enjoyable, the same enjoyment you do with Youtube videos or any other activity you enjoy. I think you see studying as more of a chore, and you probably realise that this view causes tension.

The fact that it's a chore and something you hate is something based on your view of studying. If you see studying as something you don't like and hate, of course you will resist. Self-actualization can be seen as a study, so why do you not hate studying this?

Try and do some self-inquire on why you're not enjoying it. So like... Is it too easy? Too hard? Won't ever need this in my career? This is all bullshit? Try and ask yourself these questions. Rather than inquiring resistance, inquire about why you're not finding this enjoyable like watching movies?

To really create habits, I think you just have to clear your mind and stop thinking about "what to do" and just do it. Be a robot

[White]

@Viking maybe you're just a bit depressed because your doing self development? It's not like your not present, but maybe you're just transitioning and your mind is in chaos and your body doesn't want to work so hard because you are letting go of making meaning. Personal development is painful chaotic and messy. I know you want an answer to your perceived problem, but for you I don't think there is one. Just keep doing what you need to do to make a living and try to inhabit an attitude of not just looking at your 5 year plan, but focus on what actions are going to have an impact on you when you retire. Be present as much as you can but don't mistake that for throwing caution to the wind and letting go of all rationality. The point is to enjoy now but to set your life up in such a way that your future now's don't turn into a nightmare. 

Grin and bear it and learn to be with the discomfort instead of trying to fix it. The fact you think you can always escape suffering is an indication you're resisting suffering. Things have to be destroyed to make way for new things to emerge. It's not always plain sailing, learn to live with it because I think you have a mindset that you shouldn't ever be suffering or depressed or regressing. That's a bit of a trap. 

Edited June 22, 2018 by White

[Viking]

i just listened to an audiobook called "kick ass with mel robbins" and i think i figured out why i procrastinate. its because when im getting about to start studying, im so stressed that my brain just says 'nope' and i feel like i have other things to do, thats why the studying would be a waste of time. i procrastinate to relief stress.

the problem is i have no idea what that is and i think i need someones help to figure it out. my brain is truly in such chaos like @White said that i have way too much shit to figure out so i cant study. 

i also may have ptsd or a subtle form of it. i suspect that because i notice that sometimes i get numb when im in tough situations or when i get bad emotions and i masquerade that as "surrendering to the present moment".

[denydritz]

@Viking Maybe you could watch YouTube videos about the topic you're studying?

It sounds to me that the reluctance to study is a symptom of a deeper issue. Maybe you feel you're not doing or being part of something significant or important in your life? Any studying would feel like a waste of time if you associate it with something that isn't important.

I want to add that you don't 'have' to do anything, everything is your choice (even staying alive and breathing). Finishing your study by force of willpower is possible, but it's very exhausting and you won't like it, right?  Maybe you need some place or some way where you can apply what you learn or give back to society using what you know. It could give you a sense of importance or worthiness (worth to study).

Cheers!

[Psyche_92]