Down into the Rabbit Hole - My Life

[zoey101]

Journal Entry #1

Introduction

 

So this is my first Journal Post. I don't really know what I will be sharing, but I hope to discover something about myself through this journal. Responses are more than welcome  I could never turn down good advise. Here we go:

Life has been pretty insane the past couple months

• Husband's friend committed suicide
• His grandfather got sick
• He started abusing Meth
• We got into a big fight (things got physical)
• Almost left him
• I got into a bad car accident
• Resolved things with my husband
• Graduated from college 
• Had to kick my roommate (my sister) out of our apartment for being a mooch
•  One of my friends committed suicide 
• Got into another fight with my husband (nothing physical this time)
• My husband left for a while
• Now he's back and things are "okay"
• Things are starting to move forward with my case (for the accident)

And all in the span of just 2 months. Boy, how life can just spiral out of control sometimes.

I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) back in high school, which can make it hard to control my feelings or reactions to things. But I feel like I have been getting better at controlling it as I work on my meditation and self inquiry. I have been doing my best to stay very mindful of my situation and all the factors involved.

I have been able to feel very grateful and blessed through all of this pain. I still struggle to deal with some parts of what has been going on, but I try to tell myself that there is more than all of this. I can handle it. 

Some of my family members have said that they think it's weird for me not to be panicked or messed up over everything. Is it? I know that my physical pain will heal eventually, so there is no point to stress that. And as for everything else, time keeps going. I have a life that I want to live, and things I want to be able to see and do. I can't accomplish anything by being stuck in a depression. When I tell them this, they say that "I'm not acting like I care about anything that has happened" but I do care. I can't help what has happened, but I can help what is and will happen. That is my current focus. 

If it is strange to feel this way, then I guess I accept that. I have seen what being stuck in a depression can do to me, and I won't let that be me anymore, if I can help it.

I want to be a strong, smart woman that can push through her worldly troubles and strive for better! Life won't wait for me to make that happen. So I have to work at it now. If this seems weird to my family, so be it.  

 

[martins name]

I can relate to not feeling what i'm "supposed to feel" and there is nothing inherently wrong with it. But maybe (and this is mostly speculations) it builds up in once subconscious mind. maybe stuff that could get released during holotropic/shamanic breathing or reichian therapy.

[martins name]

In my case I sometimes don't get angry when most people would. I like to think it's because I'm such a loving person but maybe its all stored up somewhere. Gonna have to do some shadow work this summer and see if that's the case

[zoey101]

@martins name thank you for your response. I think I just got tired of feeling bad and letting it stop all progress. There are things I want to accomplish and I can't do it if I stay stuck on things I can't change you know

[taleen]

@zoey101 you are very strong, i think cause you have been through alot in your life you got stronger and thats why you feel ok even in the mess.

 

[egoeimai]

Whatever happened,happened little cutie zoey. ?

Recording thoughts is healing. Im glad you started. 

[zoey101]

@taleen @egoeimai Thank you 

Journal Entry #2

Adulting the CRAP out of Today: Feeling really good

So today was definitely an adventure into adulting for me  I had to get my new truck registered at the DMV and was really not looking forward to it. I got there well before they opened so I wouldn't have to wait too long, but boy was it hot in Florida today lol As I'm standing in the line, I am applying for insurance for the truck. I was able to get that all done pretty quick, surprisingly, and was in and out of the DMV. So I went home and relaxed since I didn't have to be at work for another hour. 

I was going to just sit and do nothing, but I ended up making like 10 phone calls and set up and rescheduled a bunch of appointments for my family and got a little cleaning done all in that short amount of time. I should try this more often lol

I have been doing my best to stay engaged with ever moment as it comes and goes. Taking every part of the day in. The world seems so crazy right now, but when I take the time to only focus on the moment and my surroundings and how they are interacting and moving with me, I can find some quiet, stillness. 

I had a strange "out of body experience" (if you could even call it that lol) I was driving to work after getting everything done and was just listening to some instrumental calming music. I was just listening and breathing on the ride. At one point it felt like my eyes were messing with me. I'm driving, and all of a sudden, it doesn't feel like I am moving, but instead, everything is moving around me as I am just staying in the same place. It was interesting to feel. I don't know what any of it implies, but I thought I would share

[zoey101]

Journal Entry #3

Good News and Bad News

So I have been in physical therapy for about a month now. It has been really good and I feel like I have been healing pretty well, but there is one spot in my neck that has been so stubborn through this. So my chiropractor told me to go get an MRI so we could see what is going on. When I gave him the DVD they gave me, he looked it over and gave me the "good news and the bad news".

Good News: I don't need surgery. YAY!

Bad New: I have 3 bulging discs in my neck that are not allowing the proper amount of spinal fluid to surround my spinal cord, which has been causing my muscles in my neck and shoulders to stay tensed up. And I have a protrusion on one disc. It is going to take 6 months of physical therapy to heal, but once I reach that 6 months, that's all my body will heal... He said I may have flare ups in the future and as I get older I may have some issues. yay...

I am still trying to stay positive. I don't need surgery, nothing is broken, best case scenario for my situation. As for the potential complications that may arise, I'll let future Zoey handle that bullshit lol

I still know that I was not the one at fault in my accident and I have a great lawyer. The rest is in God's hands. Although I would appreciate any prayers for me.

Besides all that depressing stuff, I have been kicking ass at my new job.  I have been here only 4 months and they are already trying to move me up. I was able to talk to my boss about my interests in the Law Firm and how I want to be an administrator one day and not a paralegal lol. He responded pretty well and brought up the few suggestions I have made since I started to change and better my position. I'm really excited about where this path could take me. I don't know if this will be my career for good, but I'm interested to see where it goes