Being Kind or Being Yourself?

[Guest]

Hello!

The meditation on being kind is actually a different topic that I want to talk about but besides the meditation, always being kind and supportive has had negative effects on me and I want to share my experiences on being kind.

I have always been kind and supportive, sometimes I can't understand when people try to bother me in well-calculated ways. They sometimes use me and satisfy their egos on me. When I talk to someone, I unconditionally tend to give positive, accepting and supporting answers. I try to cheer people every time. But I what I have been observing since many years is there are 3 types of people who react differently to this positive attitude:

The first type of people are manipulative and negative people. These people tend to fake anger and choose people around them according to how beneficial and easily to be manipulated they are. These people tried to understand me and tested my limits of anger and intelligence. They didn't know how to behave around me, since they cannot manipulate my emotions and make me angry. After awhile they became my friends and rarely behaved disrespectful to me. The most important thing about them is they don't like having help unless they ask for it.

The second type is mostly silent people who only answer when you talk to them. You can't predict what they feel, think and do. These people also use people for their benefits but not directly go and want help like negative people. They become your friend first. They tend to create opportunities and open discussions for you to talk and be yourself. They let you to talk about your uncommon ideas, positive perspective of life and your needs. At first everything looks perfect for you. BUT not when you need them the most! These people leave you alone in difficult situations. They think critically about your ideas and life style but they don't show it until you need their support. They live conventionally. They accept what the majority accepts.

Lastly the third type. These are overly emotional and worrying people. They talk to you to suck your positiveness out, unintentionally. They basically don't care who you're or what are your problems. They are always worrying about small things. They tell you to teach them how to be positive and successful. They also do gossip a lot. After talking to them for couple of hours, you feel tired and negative. These people don't support you when you also want to share your worries with them. They tend to curse what caused you to worry and that's all. In 2 minutes or less they change the topic.

In conclusion. I couldn't find a true, beautiful heart which puts me first when s/he talks. People put themselves in the center and they choose who benefits the most. It doesn't matter that you're kind, fake or negative. You become a tool in society and they don't let you to change. They accept you as who you're first. If you do an unexpected thing they tend to criticize you and leave you alone.

So if you're a kind, caring and loving person like me. Do it for yourself and for your heart. Only rare people will understand what you're trying to do and want to change in this world. Be kind not because of you want people to behave kindly to you. But It's the only true reflection of love and compassion. <3

"Love all. Trust few. Do wrong to none." -William Shakespeare

Edited February 7, 2016 by Sarper

[Lana]

Beautifully written , thank you . 

[Barack Obama]

Very nice information Sarper.

I could think of examples of these people you mentioned instantly. What is being yourself though? Is it doing what you usually do? Is it reacting on the emotions you feel? I don't think being yourself is as easy as you think? it means you first have to know who you truly are. But i think what you mean. Is do what feels most comfortable. Like if you normally don't like to talk much. You just follow what is most comfortable. Which is not talking. And that is what we can being our self's.

I don't think doing what feels comfortable is the answer to developing a strong personality. I think getting out of your comfort zone is actually really beneficial. If you are too kind. Be a dick for a while. At least then you have a full spectrum, and a better understanding of yourself and how it feels you know?

Furthermore you will have to think about things like. For who is it beneficial to be for example kind or talkative or stubborn.. etc.

Are you for example nice for your sake? so you can have a clear conscious? or do you do it for other? Knowing that they are might step over you if you don't put yourself first.

Anyways you will automatically place people in different category's. What i mean is. By nature you will be kind to your mom, even if you aren't to other people. Something else i find was. You can be a lot ruder and a lot more free with your friends than with strangers. So your personality has to be dynamic as well.

I really haven't thought about this stuff too much. So there isn't much i can add. But non the less. Very nice post.

[Guest]

@Barack Obama You approach to topic with amazing questions. I am still behaving as an eye in the society. I try to understand what is going on with other people but it is only a part of the full picture. When I understand myself I will probably see nasty things that I criticize people for. It is really complicated for me but you opened my eye. Now I can think from an another perspective. Maybe I am in a category for them. I should also try to understand myself. Your comment is very helpful. Thank you!

[Guest]

 

Thanks for your thought-provoking post Sarper. 

My penny’s worth… I think categorising people can be a useful exercise to develop a high level perspective on the broad spectrum of personalities and short-cut judgments when you need them. However, in my opinion it is also potentially dangerous as each personality is highly complex and idiosyncratic. Sometimes a person might strike you as kind and loving but have a well hidden selfish agenda. A neurotic, gossiping worrier who sucks your energy might surprise you by showing kindness in a situation that they feel more comfortable in.

You’re right to keep your guard up and you should look out for no.1 for sure. But if I were you I’d keep faith in people: underneath their neuroses most people’s hearts are in the right place. And as for the ‘true, beautiful hearts’, although I’ve met very few in my life, they’re out there! Lets both of us keep our eyes peeled, we could all do with more of them in our lives!

Edited February 7, 2016 by Stretch

[Sara]

Hi Sarpar, 

I understand where your heart is at. People can be hurtful. However, majority of the people do have the best of intentions but are also lost in how to give love to others and accept love for themselves. It can be hard to look past the games but maybe you are also allowing your own ego to get in the way of understanding others. For example, when people are angry, typically the anger is utilized to mask the fear and hurt. They are confused on how to express this fear and hurt and it results in an explosion of emotion. Just like you, everyone is trying their best to care for others but some times we as humans have not yet developed the tools to do so in a healthy way. Next time you find yourself in this situation maybe state: "I hear what you are saying. Your words/actions make me feel _______. Can you explain to me what you are feeling?" It makes people stop and think and this is where true friendship and understanding starts

[Guest]

15 minutes ago, Sara said:

Hi Sarpar, 

I understand where your heart is at. People can be hurtful. However, majority of the people do have the best of intentions but are also lost in how to give love to others and accept love for themselves. It can be hard to look past the games but maybe you are also allowing your own ego to get in the way of understanding others. For example, when people are angry, typically the anger is utilized to mask the fear and hurt. They are confused on how to express this fear and hurt and it results in an explosion of emotion. Just like you, everyone is trying their best to care for others but some times we as humans have not yet developed the tools to do so in a healthy way. Next time you find yourself in this situation maybe state: "I hear what you are saying. Your words/actions make me feel _______. Can you explain to me what you are feeling?" It makes people stop and think and this is where true friendship and understanding starts

Amazing suggestions! Your key sentences can solve this miscommunication problem quite easily. What I do is just stop talking to those people and judge them for their behaviours. The problem is, I guess, I and most of the people take everything personally and we try to protect ourselves. I can understand their worries but I do that when I come back to home and think about it. I should stay calm and try to use keywords to make them release their stress and thus I can be more beneficial as a friend. That's a really good suggestion. Thank you a lot!  

[Guest]

1 hour ago, Stretch said:

 

Thanks for your thought-provoking post Sarper. 

My penny’s worth… I think categorising people can be a useful exercise to develop a high level perspective on the broad spectrum of personalities and short-cut judgments when you need them. However, in my opinion it is also potentially dangerous as each personality is highly complex and idiosyncratic. Sometimes a person might strike you as kind and loving but have a well hidden selfish agenda. A neurotic, gossiping worrier who sucks your energy might surprise you by showing kindness in a situation that they feel more comfortable in.

You’re right to keep your guard up and you should look out for no.1 for sure. But if I were you I’d keep faith in people: underneath their neuroses most people’s hearts are in the right place. And as for the ‘true, beautiful hearts’, although I’ve met very few in my life, they’re out there! Lets both of us keep our eyes peeled, we could all do with more of them in our lives!

"each personality is highly complex and idiosyncratic. Sometimes a person might strike you as kind and loving but have a well hidden selfish agenda." This is so right and I guess I cannot understand this because I can't think like them. I don't have hidden intentions when I start a conversation with a person. As you say it is highly complex to someone to make predictions. I just try to understand them by observing from distance to stay emotionally safe but at the same time I love them too. I should find a halfway of both to establish healthy friendships. Thanks!

[Sara]

6 minutes ago, Sarper said:

Amazing suggestions! Your key sentences can solve this miscommunication problem quite easily. What I do is just stop talking to those people and judge them for their behaviours. The problem is, I guess, I and most of the people take everything personally and we try to protect ourselves. I can understand their worries but I do that when I come back to home and think about it. I should stay calm and try to use keywords to make them release their stress and thus I can be more beneficial as a friend. That's a really good suggestion. Thank you a lot!  

No problem at all Sarper. I understand protecting ourselves. Also it can be hard at first to be understanding in the moment. Give yourself some leniency to grow into this understanding - we can not change our habits overnight. What I mean is this will not be easy to do so understand that some times you will try to protect yourself until you build your new habit! Good luck!

[Mooders]

4 hours ago, Sarper said:

Hello!

The meditation on being kind is actually a different topic that I want to talk about but besides the meditation, always being kind and supportive has had negative effects on me and I want to share my experiences on being kind.

I have always been kind and supportive, sometimes I can't understand when people try to bother me in well-calculated ways. They sometimes use me and satisfy their egos on me. When I talk to someone, I unconditionally tend to give positive, accepting and supporting answers. I try to cheer people every time. But I what I have been observing since many years is there are 3 types of people who react differently to this positive attitude:

The first type of people are manipulative and negative people. These people tend to fake anger and choose people around them according to how beneficial and easily to be manipulated they are. These people tried to understand me and tested my limits of anger and intelligence. They didn't know how to behave around me, since they cannot manipulate my emotions and make me angry. After awhile they became my friends and rarely behaved disrespectful to me. The most important thing about them is they don't like having help unless they ask for it.

The second type is mostly silent people who only answer when you talk to them. You can't predict what they feel, think and do. These people also use people for their benefits but not directly go and want help like negative people. They become your friend first. They tend to create opportunities and open discussions for you to talk and be yourself. They let you to talk about your uncommon ideas, positive perspective of life and your needs. At first everything looks perfect for you. BUT not when you need them the most! These people leave you alone in difficult situations. They think critically about your ideas and life style but they don't show it until you need their support. They live conventionally. They accept what the majority accepts.

Lastly the third type. These are overly emotional and worrying people. They talk to you to suck your positiveness out, unintentionally. They basically don't care who you're or what are your problems. They are always worrying about small things. They tell you to teach them how to be positive and successful. They also do gossip a lot. After talking to them for couple of hours, you feel tried and negative. These people don't support you when you also want to share your worries with them. They tend to curse what caused you to worry and that's all. In 2 minutes or less they change the topic.

In conclusion. I couldn't find a true, beautiful heart which puts me first when s/he talks. People put themselves in the center and they choose who benefits the most. I doesn't matter that you're kind, fake or negative. You become a tool in society and they don't let you to change. They accept you as who you're first. If you do an unexpected thing they tend to criticize you and leave you alone.

So if you're a kind, caring and loving person like me. Do it for yourself and for your heart. Only rare people will understand what you're trying to do and want to change in this world. Be kind not because of you want people to behave kindly to you. But It's the only true reflection of love and compassion. <3

"Love all. Trust few. Do wrong to none." -William Shakespeare

I do not fit into any of your categorizations but I have also been guilty of making assumptions on people in a similar way to what you have here. As i grow older i find every person i meet is very complex and not easily summed up in small statements such as these. Think of how people write books on their mindsets or their lives it takes them an entire book to try and explain the point of view they have on life and they probably have not fully realised it themselves. I get angry at people very easily I dont know why it is something I am working on but i try to keep in my mind every human i meet has existed for years and have had countless experiences in their time i will never know with each one of these experiences shaping who they are. Generalisation is a dangerous thing when considering the human mind. 

I find it hard to be loving and compassionate on the surface I am a very guarded an irritable person however deep down I care for people more so than you might expect I just have trouble displaying this also you talk about people having themselves in mind but doesn't everyone? even a most charitable act such as volunteering is often done to make you like yourself more. 

[Guest]

9 minutes ago, Mooders said:

I do not fit into any of your categorizations but I have also been guilty of making assumptions on people in a similar way to what you have here. As i grow older i find every person i meet is very complex and not easily summed up in small statements such as these. Think of how people write books on their mindsets or their lives it takes them an entire book to try and explain the point of view they have on life and they probably have not fully realised it themselves. I get angry at people very easily I dont know why it is something I am working on but i try to keep in my mind every human i meet has existed for years and have had countless experiences in their time i will never know with each one of these experiences shaping who they are. Generalisation is a dangerous thing when considering the human mind. 

I find it hard to be loving and compassionate on the surface I am a very guarded an irritable person however deep down I care for people more so than you might expect I just have trouble displaying this also you talk about people having themselves in mind but doesn't everyone? even a most charitable act such as volunteering is often done to make you like yourself more. 

Of course putting people into categories is not a correct way to understand them but I don't talk about a great majority of people or I didn't do a research about it. It's just my small island and the indigenous people living in this island. You may find similarities between these types and some of the people that you talk to in daily life. Not everyone is the same, this is a generalization but that doesn't mean that everyone is different. We just show our emotions in different ways. And I cannot understand an angry person, maybe an angry person will not understand my calmness. I always think like Eric Hoffer as he says “Rudeness is the weak man's imitation of strength.” And anger if it's not necessary is also imitation of strength for me.

Edited February 7, 2016 by Sarper

[Keyblade Viking]

18 hours ago, Barack Obama said:

There seam to be an error in the forum, I can only write in this quotation box and it won't disappear when I reload the page so I gonna have to double post, anyway he said this:

"I could think of examples of these people you mentioned instantly. What is being yourself though? Is it doing what you usually do? Is it reacting on the emotions you feel? I don't think being yourself is as easy as you think? it means you first have to know who you truly are. But i think what you mean. Is do what feels most comfortable. Like if you normally don't like to talk much. You just follow what is most comfortable. Which is not talking. And that is what we can being our self's."

[Keyblade Viking]

What it means to be yourself truly is to be honest with yourself and be aware when you lie to yourself and the people around you or act in a certain way only to fulfill your agenda.
Leo's video about lying to yourself is great on this but also take note when you do something or avoid doing something because you are expected to act in a different way and you just want to be true to your identity rather than your true self interacting freely with the world.
The Law is the greatest evil.

I also see people talk about how we judge people and get mad at them or categorize them etc.
Here's a really mind opening video about what people might really be doing when they scream out racist obscurities etc:
(Leo also have a video about demonizing people and a more recent one about how we are all just shaped by our experiences etc and don't actually have free will but this is a bit different from that)

And how people react to these poor idiots just asking for help:

 

 

Edited February 8, 2016 by Keyblade Viking - Tobias