How can i help my Toxic Parents?

[George Fil]

So yes they are toxic, they are bad with money almost bankrupt again, they have no self control, they overeat, they have no program in their lives and i wonder how we grow up with my sister sometimes. They do not care about their health, they do not even care to have  health insurance while they have problems... 

Now that i live alone and i am independent and involved in the self development the last years i want to help them.  Would self development books or maybe if i paid a life coach  or a therapist could work with them?

Of course i have limited my contact with them to twice per month, but i feel so sad they live such a petty life with all their negative beliefs and i want to help them.

 

Can anyone relate? Have you tried to help them somehow? did it work?

Edited June 19, 2018 by George Fil

[tsuki]

14 minutes ago, George Fil said:

Can anyone relate? Have you tried to help them somehow? did it work?

Have you considered that they don't need your help?
They have raised you to be the wonderful, independent and self-actualized person you are.
Even if their involvement was simply giving you the counter-example of a perfect life so that you know what to avoid.

Ask them what they need. Don't be wiser than others.
If they tell you that they don't need anything - don't give them anything.
It's their life. They cannot be saved from themselves.

Edited June 19, 2018 by tsuki

[George Fil]

@tsuki Thank you for your response. Have you ever considered who they call when they have money/health problems? Yes, you guess right me and my sister.

They may not want help now, but when  shit hits the fan they call us all sad and miserable asking for our help cause they do not know what to do. and how to pay the electricity bills. I mean they are not poor, sometimes they have money like 2k per month , but they do not save and they spent them on hobbies like fishing.. They do not even pay the rent the house is ours.

This is so tiring for us and as a finance guy i wanted to help them, so they can live happier .

[tsuki]

@George FilThat's a tough situation. Do they understand that they cause you problems?

If they do understand that, then are they willing to accept your help in reforming them? I would be very surprised if that was the case.
They are your parents, after all, so from their perspective you are probably just a kid that knows no better.

They have raised you and supported you (hopefully), so it may be reasonable from their perspective to request support from you.
You are a family and your lives are interconnected. If you fail professionally (for whatever reason) they are a safety net you have.

Are you willing to cut ties with them? Having that option as a last resort may seem cruel and ungrateful, but without it you have no way of establishing boundaries for the extent of help you provide. Contemplating the option of having no parents may actually make you realize that the price you're paying is small in comparison to being without the safety net that they are (however small).

You have the right to live your life however you see fit. You will experience consequences of that, though.
How you treat your parents will affect the way you will perceive the actions of your children.
Treat your parents dismissively, and you will be aware of this possibility towards yourself from your children.

Some things are not worth doing, regardless of material costs. Not saying that cutting ties is one of them.
It's up to you.

Edited June 19, 2018 by tsuki

[Guest Quanty]

You can help them by you giving example. 

Shine on them brightly without words and your actions will shatter their reality and they will come to you for advice. 

[George Fil]

16 minutes ago, Quanty said:

You can help them by you giving example. 

Shine on them brightly without words and your actions will shatter their reality and they will come to you for advice. 

@Quanty I agree but they have already come for an advice to me. When i say to them  what i believe and what needs to be  done they understand that they have to change and work themselves and they quit the advice as theory. Sometimes they find all the excuses in the world so not to change...  Some mix of pessimism, laziness and avoidance of any temporary pain. Oh and if you ask them they say that all is good and is ok to have some problems, all the people have for them

[molosku]

Damn thats a tricky one, you are not the first guy to post THIS thread. The stingy truth is that true growth can only come from the inside, that you probably already know. You can set an example with your actions and help as much as your heart can give, but you cant make them self actualize.

To tell someone with glaring basic life problems that they need to improve will most likely just lead to resistance as subconsciosuly they intuit what you say is true, but at their level of awareness its registered more or less of a passive aggressive attack. It will only enforce toxic behaviour negative self talk. If they dont know about lower and higher self, they really just dont know better. It's not ignorance, it's not knowing. You cant help yourself at any given moment if you dont know something. 

The money thing? You need to tell them the truth of how you feel. You love them as they are your parents and they love you (right?) as you are their child. That love wont be shook from a difficult confrontation. You dont have to be overly harsh, just make sure they understand that what they are doing is not okay. There really is no easy way to deal with this. 

Edited June 19, 2018 by molosku

[nour-cha93]

Unless one helps his/herself, no one can help them. Do not bother.

[White]

@George Fil

It's pointless to try to help people

For various reasons:

1) It's their choice to live in the way they chose to live. You wouldn't have wanted overbearing parents telling you to start personal development, so treat them the way you want to be treated. 

2) They don't want to change, if they did then they would already have made the effort. You can't help people that don't want to be helped, and all you will do is end up coming across as judgemental and pushy. They are going to think that you're judging them, that you think your better than them and that is going to make them think of you in negative ways.  You might even start to look "crazy" in their eyes. 

3) One of the main principles in self help is that you are the problem. Focus on yourself and deal with your own issues and your will soon discover that it was never your place to help or save others from their problems. I know it's bad, but you need to understand where your locus of control lies, INSIDE your boundary, not outside it. Neurotic people make the mistake of thinking that they have a right to solve other peoples issues, but that is the sign of a poorly constructed psychological boundary. Yes your parents are behaving like losers, that is not your problem, it is theirs. 

 

[White]

5 hours ago, George Fil said:

@tsuki Thank you for your response. Have you ever considered who they call when they have money/health problems? Yes, you guess right me and my sister.

They may not want help now, but when  shit hits the fan they call us all sad and miserable asking for our help cause they do not know what to do. and how to pay the electricity bills. I mean they are not poor, sometimes they have money like 2k per month , but they do not save and they spent them on hobbies like fishing.. They do not even pay the rent the house is ours.

This is so tiring for us and as a finance guy i wanted to help them, so they can live happier .

I didn't read this. 

The best way to respond is to say:

Hi, thank you for your call..I am doing fine thanks. I appreciate that you are in a tight spot, however I don't have the resources to help you out. If you are willing I can point you to some material that I think could be of benefit to you and managing your finances.  Other than that I have nothing else to offer. 

Be polite, be kind, but draw a boundary and make it clear that you are not here to bail them out.

You have poor boundaries and you would be wise to work on them. 

[aurum]

@George Fil

I'll echo what others have been saying. It's great that you want to help, but are they open to receiving that help?

If not you'll just be spinning your wheels

One of the struggles I have as a coach is not going into "control mode". Many times it's obvious to me what I think my client should be doing and I want to force that agenda on them. It rarely works.

People change when they're ready to change, not when you think they should.

[YaNanNallari]

Follow intuition a lot with these cases, but only if you know how to tell what it is

[George Fil]

@YaNanNallari@aurum@White

Thank your for your time answering. Is not that i want to propagandize them, it is just to make them some gifts like books or life coaching sessions to help them. Just to give them the opportunity

[Elisabeth]

23 hours ago, George Fil said:

@tsuki Thank you for your response. Have you ever considered who they call when they have money/health problems? Yes, you guess right me and my sister.

They may not want help now, but when  shit hits the fan they call us all sad and miserable asking for our help cause they do not know what to do. and how to pay the electricity bills. I mean they are not poor, sometimes they have money like 2k per month , but they do not save and they spent them on hobbies like fishing.. They do not even pay the rent the house is ours.

This is so tiring for us and as a finance guy i wanted to help them, so they can live happier .

I appreciate that you also want to help them, but admit that your main motivation in pushing the change is selfish. You want responsible parents who take as much care of themselves without their children as possible, so that they don't bother you. I think that's ok, but it's a different problem than helping them. 

I agree it's a boundary problem. How to tell a parent that you won't be helping them if they are in trouble? Well, that's tough. It might lead to a confrontation. You need to figure out what you are willing to help with and what you are no longer willing to tolerate. IMHO it's better to tell them in advance, than in the moment of emergency - that would be real tough.

A boundary is a rule of conduct for yourself. Communicate them to your parents. You can use them as leverage, but only if you mean it. Don't do empty threds. Put up boundaries like "Look, I am bothered by being asked for money over and over again. I will not pay any of your medical bills if you have no health insurance. If you want to know how to make a health insurance contract, you can call me. "

Remember, these are changes you're doing for you. They may be able to follow, or not. 

And, don't put too high expectations on them. These are your self-actualization and living standards, not theirs. It's entirely possible that one day you end up rather paying their insurance for them than watching them not pay their bills over and over again or abandoning them. That may be poor boundaries, but it's also human. 

 

[George Fil]

@Elisabeth It is selfish in a way that ''I am going to help you so you do not need me and you will see maybe that it is better for both''.

I am not going to push my agenda, it is just i want to give them 2-3 opportunities with books and coaching so they can unstuck from their toxic environment and attitude. If they deny that also,  at least i can think that i tried.

I have made the boundaries, but these do not work for people that have no self esteem when in need. They may call you whatever your situation cause they think their issues are so important and urgent. Even when i was working as a teenager at summer they asked me favours or lend them money here and there...i was 17.

This cycle of toxicness in the family ends with me.

I have forgive them for all these,  cause they knew no better form their environment and parents , but since i know better maybe i can show them with books and coaching.

[Elisabeth]

3 hours ago, George Fil said:

I am not going to push my agenda, it is just i want to give them 2-3 opportunities with books and coaching so they can unstuck from their toxic environment and attitude. If they deny that also,  at least i can think that i tried.

You seem to know what you'll do, then