Need help with sleep problems and my spiritual path

[Santhiphap]

The main reason I am writing this is because I have encountered new unique problems of falling asleep for about 6 months now which seem to get more serious by the time.

I know I should listen to my inner guidance to lead me the way and I am trying but its hard to see through. I do not have these problems every night and its hard to explain when or why it happens which is why I am hoping to get some objective hints or inspiration from you guys.

 

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Short summary of my spiritual happenings in chronological order

Got taught a high level of empathy during childhood.
Learned to deeply relax.
Felt the burden of life and ego since I grew up.
First learned meditation from Thai monks in Thailand when I was 16 years old.
Re-picked up meditation when I became depressed when I was 22 years old.
Studied a lot of Leo’s and other teachers stuff about spirituality, ego, enlightenment.
Had a short microsecond glimpse of no self during doing the neti neti methods with Leos video. Encountered an ego backlash, psychosomatic symptoms and anxiety.
Had a couple of blissful, light body experiences during meditation.
Had a couple of experiences where I would lose relativity of sizes and measurements as my body felt like a huge mountain in size during meditation.
Had an experience where I would walk down the street and it felt like I wasn’t moving at all but the earth below my feet was moving after kriya yoga.
Had close encounters to losing my “mind” or self after 1 week of kriya yoga practice, anxiety and panic attacks kept me from going further.
Stopped kriya yoga and meditation all together.
Just doing some nature observations here and there.
Hit my mind with the paradox that reality might just be the present moment, future and past might now exist.
Currently trying to just accept when I am suffering from negative thoughts and emotions.

 

 

So the last couple of years I have had these kind of “normal” insomnia problems, induced by depression and anxiety.
I mainly overcame depression and have been living a happier life for about a year now. Melatonin helped me break through the sleep barrier in stressful times when my mind has been too busy.
Still stress is an issue but I have found ways to take a step back when life becomes too much of a burden.

Lately, approximately for 6 months now i feel like I am in a subconscious war with ego, subconsciously seeking truth more than ever.
My mind constantly tries to solve random problems of life and thought patterns.

Also about 6 months my sleeping problems became worse. It all started off after heavily drinking and partying for a couple of nights in a row. I woke up in the middle of the night and had a severe panic attack. Heart rate up, adrenaline pumping through, anxiety etc. I don’t think I need to go further into that.
I stopped drinking for a while and have been trying it a couple of times again since then.

I tried drinking less and going to bed earlier which resulted in endless thoughts, my mind more active than ever tried to reflect on the conversations, social conflicts etc. of the evening.
I took a break again, trying never to drink again but my friend circle and society around me doesn’t really accept a sober person at the party. I know I need to change my environment, spend time with people that are “right” for me but its hard to change life altogether. In the end the longing for my long lasting friendships is strong enough to force me back into those drinking situations.

Then, as I would call it, the next level happened. I had about 4 small beers in a nice environment, I felt great before and during drinking, I had a great evening, nothing would have suggested the mind problems I would face at night. I even slept in the same room with my best friend, talking and fooling around right before sleep. When I was about to drift off to sleep a mind shift happened. Thousands of thoughts and “problems” came up and my mind was busy to “solve” them like I have experienced before but in an incredible speed, unstoppable. The difference to the episodes before was that 1. the “problems” weren’t focused around the conversations and social conflicts from the evening anymore, they were totally randomly selected by my mind and had all kinds of nature. And the 2nd most important shift was that I felt like I had no control over them. 4 hours passed in a kind of awake state but totally without control. Usually I have been at least aware that I am thinking too much and that anxiety stops me from falling asleep. Not this time. it felt like I woke up from an awake state 4 hours later and the first thing I could voluntarily think was “What the f*** just happened? It was 5am in the morning when I could finally drift off to sleep.

And of course this wasn’t the last time I tried drinking.
Sometimes I would feel disconnected from the world and sick in my stomach even after 1 beer.
The were also times when things went good so I kept experimenting with alcohol, trying different kinds, drinking lots of water with it. But nothing really resulted in it being back the way it has been.

Lately (1-2months) when I drink a lot, the next day I wake up early and suffer from huge anxieties, permanent adrenaline upkeep for a couple of hours until late afternoon.

Now the event that got me to write this happened the last couple of nights, last night being the worst even though I am now on holidays at the most beautiful place in nature. Without drinking alcohol my mind has been super busy and hasn’t let me drift off to sleep. The best way I could describe this is that my mind is in a constant war with my spiritual progress. I feel like I am tired but not tired enough to really “allow” myself to fall asleep.
My mind is fighting at the edge of falling asleep but whenever I am drifting over to the sleep state it calls back to staying awake and solving problems. This is mainly an anxiety driven mechanism it seems. I am also so caught up in the need to be able to fall asleep so that I am actually not able to (let go). I also focused quiet a lot on acceptance lately. I keep trying to accept the things and thoughts that keep me from falling asleep. Last night it felt like a constant back and forth: Acceptance and almost drifting off to sleep until another thing pops into my mind which I have to accept again, an endless circle until I turn on the lights a couple of hours, take melatonin to help me fall asleep which finally works then.  I think my subconsciousness has spiritually grown a lot lately due to reading and meditating and my conceptual mind can’t take the shift. I am still far away from enlightenment but the process feel is ongoing, unstoppable.

Now I know that i might just have to accept these things all together.

I believe that this is a process that leads to great results spiritually and I also am quiet sure that suffering needs to happen to a certain degree but I also don’t have anybody to talk about the spiritual work on this deep level. And I think that other people that have gone through a similar process can certainly help shine a light from a different angle on my problems and lead me to accept and resolve those.

Lastly, I want to thank anyone who has read through this huge wall of text. I would really appreciate any thoughts of yours on these happenings.

[Santhiphap]

Ohh and I know I could have posted this in "Serious emotional problems" section but I think the key to resolve my issues is in the spiritual process which is why I posted it here.

[Prabhaker]

@Santhiphap

Do you go for a walk in the morning and evening (or after dinner) ?

[No-Thing]

Have you tried CDB oil?

 

[Colin]

This video will give you an entertaining and in-depth introduction to the vital importance of sleep and the various modern impediments to sleep from one of the worlds foremost experts on sleep.

After reading his book I am inclined to say that sleep is so fucking important, that if one is struggling with sleep, one should drop all personal development and enlightenment work and focus solely on sleep.

 

[Colin]

@Santhiphap If you want a quick fix, I recently got a weighted blanket and there is no going back. You may need to crank up the AC a bit in the summer though. 


https://www.amazon.com/YnM-Weighted-Blanket-individual-Insomnia/dp/B073429DV2/ref=sr_1_4?s=bedbath&ie=UTF8&qid=1529329398&sr=1-4&keywords=weighted+blanket

[Dino D]

I had this, what do you eat?

By me it was undereating and poor metabolism... it still isnt great but its ,,ok"

[Salvijus]

 

From personal experience I can tell that oil lamp have a big positive impact on your sleep. And also since shambhavi mahamudra kriya never had a sleeping problem again. I fall asleep maximum in 15min always. I even forgot what sleeping problems feel like.

[Hotaka]

I would say take an imaginary pill, and, like a placebo, focus on visualising the fact that this is the most important and best sleeping pill you could possibly ever produce anywhere.

Call it whatever you like and focus on the name or the feeling of the pill in your mind and body, Knowledge. Watch it through your body and see where it goes, in your senses and posture, feeling overall relaxed through the process. Receive something in your mind. Awareness towards others. With relaxed posture continue travelling inwards hopefully reaching awareness again in many places, know that it is working and keep going. This involves chambers wherever they take you to see if the self is higher or deeper somewhere. You need to find where it is. Hold steady and use your breath to go deeper and carry Knowledge deeper within you seeking self over there where I am pointing at you. You can't fuck up. The I will always be many steps ahead than you think it is. You need to keep trusting in the process. Keep searching for it.