Dealing/coping With Bouts Of Anxiety And Depression Rooted In An Unhappy Childhood

[gian]

I have been putting off posting something like this for a while, because I feel it can sound quite petty, unimportant, and embarrassing for me because I know everyone has their own story and I have had it wayyyyyyyy easier than so many people.

I am an only child and lived with my mother and father (who is disabled due to MS, I have never seen him walk without the assistance of a walker or cane) until my late teens when I went away to school, was back home again, lived abroad for a semester, and have been on my own living about 2 hours away for the past 3 years.

my parents were very loving towards me but they were constantly arguing and verbally abusive towards one another, mostly due to other family issues I was unaware of at such a young age, and also I feel there was a great deal of pain (on both sides) due to my father’s disability and the fact he was not able to do as much as the other fathers I knew in my suburban middle class environment.

I hate to say it but I honestly cannot recall any truly happy moments with my family because I always felt their expressed and non-expressed) distress and unhappiness with their own lives, individually and towards each other. i feel both of my parents have deeply unresolved emotional issues as well.

I know that environment really shaped the way I perceived myself and the world as I always had low self-esteem growing up, anxiety, and depression at times. I always (and still do, as much as i hate to admit) have extreme anger and resentment towards those I perceive to have happy families and a positive upbringing.

Being on my own, maturing, and absorbing self-improvement work like Leo’s over the past few years has definitely changed me for the better and I can really see my hang ups and the roots in which they began.

However, I still have deep anxieties and grieving empathy for my parents (still) unhappy lives. The majority of the time I see them something always goes wrong, is always emotionally draining, and I come back extremely depressed and grieving for their own unhappiness and (selfishly) my unhappiness and resentment for those of my peers who have seemed to have it much different than I.

They do want the best for me (even though it doesn’t seem to come off that way at times) and I realize that the majority of anxieties, anger, and deep/odd feelings of being “stuck” is rooted in my upbringing and my old thought patterns….also, the fact that I just want them to have happier lives. I feel like “how can I be happy if they aren’t?” it feels like it is too unfair to them. I know it is irrational, but I feel it especially now because my mother has been having some medical problems and may have cancer (not sure yet, though)

Any advice or insight would be greatly appreciated. I know that the only thing I can control in life are my own thoughts, emotions, and actions….sometimes I feel I have come so far in my own development, other times (like today) I feel like I have taken 10 steps back and haven’t really accomplished as much as I thought I have.

thank you to any that will reply. i truly feel this forum will and has helped me share some of my issues and get some insightful feedback.

[Capethaz]

The best way to resolve this in the short term is seeing a GOOD therapist. And of course, keep meditating.

[Kelley White]

22 hours ago, gian said:

I have been putting off posting something like this for a while, because I feel it can sound quite petty, unimportant, and embarrassing for me because I know everyone has their own story and I have had it wayyyyyyyy easier than so many people.

@gian, Hi!  Its nice to meet you.  Thank you very much for sharing.  Right now we are here to focus on your story.  I find stories subjective; relative.

22 hours ago, gian said:

I am an only child and lived with my mother and father (who is disabled due to MS, I have never seen him walk without the assistance of a walker or cane) until my late teens when I went away to school, was back home again, lived abroad for a semester, and have been on my own living about 2 hours away for the past 3 years.

I hear you are an only child and were raised with a father who has a debilitating disease that not only impairs his physical functioning but his cognitive functioning.  You were sent abroad for a semester of school...was this a positive thing for you?  Was it a negative thing?  Your parents fought the majority of the time, really few to no positive childhood memories.

I was raised an  only child...did you end up feeling hyper responsible for your parents as a kid?  Kind of like the parent?  I'm curious?  Only children can often feel that way.

22 hours ago, gian said:

my parents were very loving towards me but they were constantly arguing and verbally abusive towards one another, mostly due to other family issues I was unaware of at such a young age, and also I feel there was a great deal of pain (on both sides) due to my father’s disability and the fact he was not able to do as much as the other fathers I knew in my suburban middle class environment.

This has to have been challenging for you as a kid.  You see conflict, the adults are trying to hide the conflict but not doing so successfully; I would imagine that would be stressful  or painful, possibly frightening for a child to watch?   It must have been confusing, wondering what all of the fighting was about, trying to find a way to be in a peaceful space?

22 hours ago, gian said:

I feel there was a great deal of pain (on both sides) due to my father’s disability and the fact he was not able to do as much as the other fathers I knew in my suburban middle class environment.

I sense conflict?  You feel ripped off perhaps?  You want to be angry but feel it wouldn't be fair since you're father is ill; he had a right to feel ripped off and angry?  It seems you feel ripped off and angry but conflicted about that?  Now mom is sick, can't be angry with mom?  I don't know...I'm just asking so I can understand the dynamics.

22 hours ago, gian said:

Being on my own, maturing, and absorbing self-improvement work like Leo’s over the past few years has definitely changed me for the better and I can really see my hang ups and the roots in which they began.

So I am also hearing when you focus on you, you feel better than you do when you focus on your parents?

22 hours ago, gian said:

However, I still have deep anxieties and grieving empathy for my parents (still) unhappy lives. The majority of the time I see them something always goes wrong, is always emotionally draining, and I come back extremely depressed and grieving for their own unhappiness and (selfishly) my unhappiness and resentment for those of my peers who have seemed to have it much different than I.

They do want the best for me (even though it doesn’t seem to come off that way at times) and I realize that the majority of anxieties, anger, and deep/odd feelings of being “stuck” is rooted in my upbringing and my old thought patterns…also, the fact that I just want them to have happier lives. I feel like “how can I be happy if they aren’t?” it feels like it is too unfair to them. I know it is irrational, but I feel it especially now because my mother has been having some medical problems and may have cancer (not sure yet, though)

Ten steps backwards related to mom not feeling well perhaps?  I mean cancer is concerning, your dad is already ill, I would say you have a rather full plate and you are being the very responsible, stoic, apologetic...  Perhaps ten steps back is what you needed?  You took them you must have?  Where are  you now?  Can you imagine yourself two steps ahead now?  What would that look like?

What would happen if you stopped worrying about your parents and focused on you again?   What if you trusted them to take care of them and empowered you to care for you?  What might that look like? 

I struggled with the, "If others are not happy how can I be happy?" question.  You know the answer already, you stated it yourself...

22 hours ago, gian said:

I know that the only thing I can control in life are my own thoughts, emotions, and actions

You just forgot because your emotions got in the way perhaps?  I would say that is fairly normal for all you've been through.   I suspect you have been through more than you credit yourself for?  I might be wrong?  What do you think? 

Thank you for having the courage to share.  I really value you trusted us enough to do that. Thank you.

[Kelley White]

@Capethaz, Thank you.  Seeing a good therapist can be very helpful as well as mediation.  Great ideas. 

[gian]

@Kelley White Thank you so so so much for that detailed reply. That means so much that you would take the time to do that. Even just opening up like that has been very difficult, but freeing in a way. 

On 3/16/2016 at 8:19 PM, Kelley White said:

I hear you are an only child and were raised with a father who has a debilitating disease that not only impairs his physical functioning but his cognitive functioning.  You were sent abroad for a semester of school...was this a positive thing for you?  Was it a negative thing?  Your parents fought the majority of the time, really few to no positive childhood memories.

I was raised an  only child...did you end up feeling hyper responsible for your parents as a kid?  Kind of like the parent?  I'm curious?  Only children can often feel that way.

Yes, I really feel like I have never had any very deep conversations with my father throughout my life, we had quite a dysfunctional relationship once I became a teenager. He seems so emotionally gone I can barely hold a conversation of interest with him anymore. I know he cares for me, but I feel his own self worth is so low, and that is very hard to see. 

My time abroad was one of the most amazing experiences of my life. I have always been a very social person and that experience also got me further out of my comfort zone to meet people from all over the world. I was very naive back then thinking that living abroad would "fix" all of my problems and give me a brand new outlook on life. But I was still very emotionally immature and still felt a great deal of loneliness and negativity even though I was surrounded by great friends and people the entire time. 

And yes, I did and still do feel very responsible for my parents. Like I mentioned before, I almost feel guilty for being happy at all when they are unhappy in their own lives. We are very different. Especially because they both have issues to some extent, I feel like I need to care for them and somehow get them on the road to "fixing" them. They do want me to live my own life and not be so concerned with them, which is very generous and selfless of them, but I still feel responsible and guilty in a way. I have thought recently that maybe that whole mindset is a lower, immature, version of my self still clinging on to the security of childhood?

 

On 3/16/2016 at 8:19 PM, Kelley White said:

This has to have been challenging for you as a kid.  You see conflict, the adults are trying to hide the conflict but not doing so successfully; I would imagine that would be stressful  or painful, possibly frightening for a child to watch?   It must have been confusing, wondering what all of the fighting was about, trying to find a way to be in a peaceful space?

Yes, this was very painful for me growing up, as it was somewhat consistent for the majority of my life. I have never even really seen my parents display any sort of love or affection for one another throughout my entire life. And I am sure that many of my insecurities in life and especially relationships is due to witnessing this. I began to accept that constant fighting as normal, and know that many of the neuroses i developed were majorly due to experiencing that and not being able to escape.

 

On 3/16/2016 at 8:19 PM, Kelley White said:

I sense conflict?  You feel ripped off perhaps?  You want to be angry but feel it wouldn't be fair since you're father is ill; he had a right to feel ripped off and angry?  It seems you feel ripped off and angry but conflicted about that?  Now mom is sick, can't be angry with mom?  I don't know...I'm just asking so I can understand the dynamics.

Yes, you are absolutely right. I hate to admit, but I do feel ripped off in a way. I have always been very angry internally growing up and that had a lot to do with it subconsciously. Just with my whole home life in general, not 100% because of my father's disability. I still do feel ripped off in a way though,

Although now I do not feel as much anger as I do deep sadness for the well being of my parents lives, and now imagining how they must have felt throughout their lives, raising me in that environment, etc.

 

On 3/16/2016 at 8:19 PM, Kelley White said:

So I am also hearing when you focus on you, you feel better than you do when you focus on your parents?

Yes, when I focus on my own life and my own improvement, I feel much more content, stronger, confident, etc. Every time I go home I feel like I step back 10 years just from being back in that environment, even if things seem to go ok. But I sometimes don't feel I should allow myself to not think about my parents well being. I always have this thought in the back of my head that I need to always prepare for the worst and that it is only a matter of time before everything goes downhill, my life and their lives completely fall apart. 

On 3/16/2016 at 8:19 PM, Kelley White said:

Ten steps backwards related to mom not feeling well perhaps?  I mean cancer is concerning, your dad is already ill, I would say you have a rather full plate and you are being the very responsible, stoic, apologetic...  Perhaps ten steps back is what you needed?  You took them you must have?  Where are  you now?  Can you imagine yourself two steps ahead now?  What would that look like?

What would happen if you stopped worrying about your parents and focused on you again?   What if you trusted them to take care of them and empowered you to care for you?  What might that look like? 

I struggled with the, "If others are not happy how can I be happy?" question.  You know the answer already, you stated it yourself...

I would say that is a main part of it. Honestly, yesterday was one of the most depressing days I have had in years. Maybe it was because of actually opening up about this whole subject and deeply getting into it within my own mind. I am feeling better today, fortunately. I do not really see how these 10 steps back can be a good thing, all I am gathering from it now is that I may be able to learn a thing or two from it, and how much I have grown and do not want to let myself get back into this deeply negative mental state again. 

After much advice from channels like Leo's, I have a document that generally lays out my life in the next months and years, where things are beginning to turn out the way I would like them. And that has helped me a great deal. I just need to be more consistent with it.

I try to let myself just imagine them taking care of themselves for the most part, but that is very hard for me to actually believe. I mean they will survive, but I think of the quality of their life and it depresses me.

And yes, I know that question "if others are not happy how can i be?" is irrational and I do not allow myself to think that way very often anymore. I feel that whole feeling is just rooted in guilt. 
 

On 3/16/2016 at 8:19 PM, Kelley White said:

You just forgot because your emotions got in the way perhaps?  I would say that is fairly normal for all you've been through.   I suspect you have been through more than you credit yourself for?  I might be wrong?  What do you think? 

Yes, my emotions and anxieties have gotten in the way big time. And that is an interesting question, because I have always felt that I really should never complain about what I have been through. I feel like I have been through a lot of negative things in life, but then I always think "you haven't been through nearly as much negativity as some people. you are just perceiving something minor as negative. grow up and stop complaining about it. your life has been incredibly easy, only you have made it hard."



I really haven't considered seeing a therapist, but once I have some disposable income, I may consider it. But I feel that I can continue to grow a great deal like I have through absorbing videos such as Leo's and pursuing my own self development. I almost feel like spending much time thinking about these issues will set me back so far....when most of the time I am actually quite positive, passionate, and happy about life.


Thank you again so much, it means the world to me that you replied with such compassion and detailed questions.


-Gian-

[Kelley White]

6 hours ago, gian said:

@Kelley White Thank you so so so much for that detailed reply. That means so much that you would take the time to do that. Even just opening up like that has been very difficult, but freeing in a way. 

@gian, You are very welcome.  I understand; opening up can be like re-living the original events.  It can be a fine balance between reexamining to make corrections versus pitching a tent, building a house, taking up residence in the past and expecting a different present, let alone a positive future that way.  

6 hours ago, gian said:

Yes, I really feel like I have never had any very deep conversations with my father throughout my life, we had quite a dysfunctional relationship once I became a teenager. He seems so emotionally gone I can barely hold a conversation of interest with him anymore. I know he cares for me, but I feel his own self worth is so low, and that is very hard to see. 

I am certain you are already aware that part of this can be related to cognitive impairment due to the MS?  I know that does not always make it feel better in the moment...but it might make it easier for you if you can see that part of  his conduct is due to brain impairment from disease versus a lack of personal desire upon  his part?  I just wonder if it would be less painful for you if you could re-frame it within the context of his illness and then release the expectation which seems to be causing  you pain?  What do you think?  

6 hours ago, gian said:

My time abroad was one of the most amazing experiences of my life. I have always been a very social person and that experience also got me further out of my comfort zone to meet people from all over the world.

So I hear focusing on you and being abroad, away from your parents taught you much about you and others?  It was positive.   You were a teenager, I would expect you would be naive ...

6 hours ago, gian said:

I was very naive back then thinking that living abroad would "fix" all of my problems and give me a brand new outlook on life. But I was still very emotionally immature and still felt a great deal of loneliness and negativity even though I was surrounded by great friends and people the entire time. 

...you were coming from a negative situation; it takes time to deal with that and shift gears?  Again, do you think you might have approached this with a higher than reasonable expectation for yourself?  I mean you seem to allude to that with the, "fix" all my problems reference.  I suspect that would be somewhat normal for a teen to think like that.  (Brain cognition is not fully developed until well into the mid twenties.)

6 hours ago, gian said:

And yes, I did and still do feel very responsible for my parents. Like I mentioned before, I almost feel guilty for being happy at all when they are unhappy in their own lives. We are very different. Especially because they both have issues to some extent, I feel like I need to care for them and somehow get them on the road to "fixing" them. They do want me to live my own life and not be so concerned with them, which is very generous and selfless of them, but I still feel responsible and guilty in a way. I have thought recently that maybe that whole mindset is a lower, immature, version of my self still clinging on to the security of childhood

I struggle with this same issue related to family and friends. 

I suspect it speaks to the fact that you have a kind heart and when you love someone you experience pain watching them struggle?   You see potential and think if only they could see what I see then?  (I am asking, or wondering what specifically induces the emotions of guilt or over responsibility?) 

Could it be the contradiction again?  Hearing the selflessness but knowing the childhood pattern was at least on some level perceiving responsibility to "fix" the situation?   

Here is what I am finding helpful with my mother; by assuring her I am taking care of me?  She sees me grow and overcome issues. 

Now I have credibility with her.  Now when I offer a suggestion in my 50's to a mother in her 70's struggling with some of the same issues, we can hear one another because we are speaking the same language. 

Are you clinging to the security of your childhood or are you really wanting to share something with your parents you think will bring them happiness and positive growth?  I don't know your motives so I'm asking to clarify.  You strike me as someone who just wants the best for your folks.  It doesn't seem your desire is to control them?  Do you trust them and the larger consciousness in play to give them what they need so you can let go and focus on you and what you need?  You trust the self actualization process, I assume for yourself...can you trust that same process to be with them even if the outcomes appears different than what you would perceive for them? 

7 hours ago, gian said:

I do not really see how these 10 steps back can be a good thing, all I am gathering from it now is that I may be able to learn a thing or two from it, and how much I have grown and do not want to let myself get back into this deeply negative mental state again. 

I found it interesting that as you said you did not know how it could have been positive, you then shared with me what you learned from it, which is a positive? 

7 hours ago, gian said:

I have always felt that I really should never complain about what I have been through. I feel like I have been through a lot of negative things in life, but then I always think "you haven't been through nearly as much negativity as some people. you are just perceiving something minor as negative. grow up and stop complaining about it. your life has been incredibly easy, only you have made it hard."

I get this.  I do the same thing at times.  Sometimes it can be a positive tool and lead you on the path of gratitude.  Other times it can bite some of us in the butt when we deny our own wounds and fail to care for ourselves or put the needs of others over our own.  I suspect its finding a balance which appears to mean swinging between two extremes until the pendulum settles in the middle while hanging on for dear life?  IDK yet?    Its appears relative and subjective at times and other times not; the law of attraction juxtaposed with improbability? What's your observation? 

7 hours ago, gian said:

I almost feel like spending much time thinking about these issues will set me back so far....when most of the time I am actually quite positive, passionate, and happy about life.

My observation related to this one is there is an ebb and flow?  I would say if most of the time you are positive and happy in the face of all we discussed?  Perhaps again you give yourself less credit than you should?      Just wondering???   Good for you.  

You are very welcome, thank you for sharing so openly, for considering and responding, I'm happy  you were able to sort through things.  I am happy I was able to offer you some things which proved helpful.   Thank you for being open and for your response.  I wish you and your family the best of luck.

Best wishes-  Kelley

 

[gian]

@Kelley White thank you again for the reply. i know it has been a while since you posted this, but i took a step back over the past several days to let these ideas sink in....it has been quite an interesting time with a WIDE range of intense emotion behind it. 

On 3/17/2016 at 7:10 PM, Kelley White said:

I am certain you are already aware that part of this can be related to cognitive impairment due to the MS?  I know that does not always make it feel better in the moment...but it might make it easier for you if you can see that part of  his conduct is due to brain impairment from disease versus a lack of personal desire upon  his part?  I just wonder if it would be less painful for you if you could re-frame it within the context of his illness and then release the expectation which seems to be causing  you pain?  What do you think?  

This is a perspective i have rarely considered. I honestly do not feel that his MS has impaired his cognition much because his medication has allowed the progression of MS to cease, and he still works full time as an accountant. I also see his interactions with others and there does not seem to be much impairment. BUT, you made me realize that the brokenness i am sure he feels with being disabled throughout my life and most of his has really hindered him mentally and emotionally. This is very hard to see and realize, but it gives me another perspective on the matter and I realize I may be asking for too much/placing irrational blame on him considering the circumstances.

 

On 3/17/2016 at 7:10 PM, Kelley White said:

...you were coming from a negative situation; it takes time to deal with that and shift gears?  Again, do you think you might have approached this with a higher than reasonable expectation for yourself?  I mean you seem to allude to that with the, "fix" all my problems reference.  I suspect that would be somewhat normal for a teen to think like that.  (Brain cognition is not fully developed until well into the mid twenties.)

You're right. Even at the time I knew the trip would not "fix" everything, as I still felt quite self aware to some extent at that age and knowing I still had a great deal of mental maturity and growth to do. But I was still quite naive. I do not continue to blame myself for that, though.

 

On 3/17/2016 at 7:10 PM, Kelley White said:

I struggle with this same issue related to family and friends. 

I suspect it speaks to the fact that you have a kind heart and when you love someone you experience pain watching them struggle?   You see potential and think if only they could see what I see then?  (I am asking, or wondering what specifically induces the emotions of guilt or over responsibility?) 

Could it be the contradiction again?  Hearing the selflessness but knowing the childhood pattern was at least on some level perceiving responsibility to "fix" the situation?   

Here is what I am finding helpful with my mother; by assuring her I am taking care of me?  She sees me grow and overcome issues. 

Now I have credibility with her.  Now when I offer a suggestion in my 50's to a mother in her 70's struggling with some of the same issues, we can hear one another because we are speaking the same language. 

Are you clinging to the security of your childhood or are you really wanting to share something with your parents you think will bring them happiness and positive growth?  I don't know your motives so I'm asking to clarify.  You strike me as someone who just wants the best for your folks.  It doesn't seem your desire is to control them?  Do you trust them and the larger consciousness in play to give them what they need so you can let go and focus on you and what you need?  You trust the self actualization process, I assume for yourself...can you trust that same process to be with them even if the outcomes appears different than what you would perceive for them? 

I cannot pinpoint what induces the feelings of guilt or over responsibility, but I assume it is from my overall perception of their unhappiness, the frequent verbal arguments, seeing them both so anxious and upset, etc, throughout growing up.

You bring up a good point, as I am trying to show my parents that i am ok and continuing on my life journey on becoming further financially stable, content, and independent...as they both knew i struggled with depression growing up. this does give them some reassurance.

I think my main issue is being able to mentally free myself from their perceived judgement and anxieties about my own well being. I feel like when I become more financially stable and get in a healthy relationship w/ myself and others (i have been going on the path of discovering what career to pursue, the life i want, visualizations, meditation.....i know it is coming together and beginning to fall into place) i definitely do not want to control them. i just want them to be content with their lives and somewhat happy knowing that i am ok.

i do trust the self actualization process for myself, but i feel like if they are not pursuing that in their own lives to some extent, they will continue to live the remainder of their lives unhappy. but i cannot control what they do. i just hope they will be ok.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

i feel much more content and confident in my life and abilities when i am away from that environment for an extended amount of time. but even every time i talk to them it seems as if something is always going wrong and it puts me right back in that immature, anxious, frightened, angry, and sad state i constantly lived in for so many years. but, fortunately i am able to bounce back quicker and realize what is happening sooner than later.

[Kelley White]

13 hours ago, gian said:

thank you again for the reply. i know it has been a while since you posted this, but i took a step back over the past several days to let these ideas sink in....it has been quite an interesting time with a WIDE range of intense emotion behind it. 

Hi @gian, you are welcome.  Good for you.  Sometimes we have to take a time out. 

13 hours ago, gian said:

This is a perspective i have rarely considered. I honestly do not feel that his MS has impaired his cognition much because his medication has allowed the progression of MS to cease, and he still works full time as an accountant. I also see his interactions with others and there does not seem to be much impairment. BUT, you made me realize that the brokenness i am sure he feels with being disabled throughout my life and most of his has really hindered him mentally and emotionally. This is very hard to see and realize, but it gives me another perspective on the matter and I realize I may be asking for too much/placing irrational blame on him considering the circumstances.

I've worked with numerous MS patients, I have a couple of dear friends with MS as well.   MS is  a snarky disease.  People can appear cognitively functional such as your father and still have impairment.   The disease literally causes atrophy in the brain.  You might find this of interest. http://www.nationalmssociety.org/Symptoms-Diagnosis/MS-Symptoms/Cognitive-Changes

It can be more than just depression or an emotional reaction  to being ill. Like many illnesses which  attack the brain, it can be challenging to sort through which is the emotional response and which is the cognitive impairment.   Perhaps you are also expecting much of yourself that you can always respond with grace?   Most family members and caregivers need their own support systems to cope on a consistent basis, particularly as the disease progresses.   I would just remember in your father's case the map might not be the  territory.  

13 hours ago, gian said:

I cannot pinpoint what induces the feelings of guilt or over responsibility,

Me either.  I have some ideas, but I am still working on self inquiry with this one myself.

13 hours ago, gian said:

I assume it is from my overall perception of their unhappiness, the frequent verbal arguments, seeing them both so anxious and upset, etc, throughout growing up.

I tend to assume the same thing, its a habituated response.  

13 hours ago, gian said:

I think my main issue is being able to mentally free myself from their perceived judgement and anxieties about my own well being.

I have to date had the same observation.

13 hours ago, gian said:

i do trust the self actualization process for myself, but i feel like if they are not pursuing that in their own lives to some extent, they will continue to live the remainder of their lives unhappy. but i cannot control what they do. i just hope they will be ok.

This is a huge revelation and I remind myself of this very thing several times a week . 

13 hours ago, gian said:

i feel much more content and confident in my life and abilities when i am away from that environment for an extended amount of time. but even every time i talk to them it seems as if something is always going wrong and it puts me right back in that immature, anxious, frightened, angry, and sad state i constantly lived in for so many years. but, fortunately i am able to bounce back quicker and realize what is happening sooner than later.

  I say this a ton, just remember its not a linear process.   The bounce back in less time?  That is progress.  I am really happy for you that you can see and credit yourself for your own progress.   Thank you so much for responding and I am happy that some things were able to prove helpful for you.   Best wishes to you and yours. 

[Kevin Dunlop]

Alot of us have had to live with parents who don´t communicate well or have education about parenting or whats best for children. As children we automatically believe that we are the combination of both parents we are both of them put together in one person. If Someone says something bad about your Mom you feel like they are saying it about you. If your parents treat eachother badly it feels like they are treating you badly, we take personally any attack against a parent, no one deserves this.

Perspectives you can adopt

They didnt know any better, they never learned to do it differently, they learned to interpret reality this way and react this way ---- Not their fault. Just what they had learned so far in life. Not that they wont learn other things, it just hasnt happened yet. Forgive them and be sure to create a better dynamic in your own family where the children dont have to worry or be subject to anger all the time.

2. Thank them for everything you got from them, deeply feel greatful for what they did do, what they could do for you. Gave you a cozy home and a bed, 1000s of meals they put on the table for you, changed your diapers, sent you to school, took care of you the best they could. Now because of them you have a base, a life that you can now do with whatever you want to. You can learn to be better every day, because they gave you a start, not a perfect one but not too bad either. Look them in the eyes and say thanks for everything. 

3 You can become wise enough that all of this can change. If your goal is that your parents are happy and your family healed and you prove to yourself that you dont need to be depressed, I would say, yes this can happen if you find out how to do it, and it can be you who iniciates it and sees it through. You might also detach yourself from needing them to be one way or another and live your dreams out the way you want to or maybe both, there is no limit here on this. There is a way, stay hopeful, positive and keep learning.

 

[adrian284]

The perspective that really has helped me and I think is the ultimate big-picture truth is that there are randomness everywhere in the universe and you even feeling sorry for yourself for the randomness that is not about your survival is really missing that big picture. As you know, the chances of not being one of the people being literally starving in the world are pretty damn low (statistics show that). So, why not be in ecstatic relief about that fact instead? 

Those repetitive negative thoughts about the randomness in life are a dumb thing that the Mind of a human does, so start recognizing them that way.

I think of those thoughts as thoughts that the Mind/Ego creates to just keep busy, because it needs them to survive. You just got to start practicing to notice them and tell yourself "oh another one of those thoughts. I've thought about this before and came to a conclusion, so no point going over this again" and drop that thought (it takes at least a month of practice for you to feel significantly more positive). You may feel that it's important for you to reconsider things, but that's just the Mind trying to trick you. Be mindful though that you don't continue feeling uneasy in the background (again, just notice it, it goes away).

The sooner you internalize labeling these thoughts correctly and dropping them, the sooner you get to the moment in your life when you can't even believe you once morned over such things when there are abundance of neutral and positive thoughts to direct your Mind towards.

It has made me significantly less negative and, like I said, is the real truth about life. Give it a try dude  

Edited April 27, 2016 by adrian284

[CuteCornDog]

If I were in the situation you're in, I would cut my parents off.

Who cares what people think? It's positive.

[jones]

Dude, don't worry. It is life, and its all in the game. Everyone got and might have faced a situation of this sort. There are ups and down in life. No matter what you are and where you live and what you have it is us that can bring changes to our lives.  I lost my parents when I was 15. I and my sister were brought up by our grandma. It is all because of Jesus and Grandma for what I am today. Without them, I would have been nothing.

Dear keep going, take courage and move ahead. If you still can't avoid all this, it would be better to undergo a Yoga therapy. A yoga therapy because my cousin had faced a situation of this sort and he underwent a treatment for this. Benefits of yoga therapy can be the following:

http://www.health.harvard.edu/mind-and-mood/yoga-for-anxiety-and-depression

http://www.aesmphysiotherapytoronto.ca/programs/yoga-therapy/

http://www.cbsnews.com/news/is-it-possible-to-heal-depression-and-anxiety-with-yoga/

http://www.yogajournal.com/article/lifestyle/feel-happier/

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2176141/

This is something for you dear. Go through the articles and take necessary steps to come out of this situation.

 

[charlie2dogs]

On 3/15/2016 at 9:30 PM, gian said:

I have been putting off posting something like this for a while, because I feel it can sound quite petty, unimportant, and embarrassing for me because I know everyone has their own story and I have had it wayyyyyyyy easier than so many people.

I am an only child and lived with my mother and father (who is disabled due to MS, I have never seen him walk without the assistance of a walker or cane) until my late teens when I went away to school, was back home again, lived abroad for a semester, and have been on my own living about 2 hours away for the past 3 years.

my parents were very loving towards me but they were constantly arguing and verbally abusive towards one another, mostly due to other family issues I was unaware of at such a young age, and also I feel there was a great deal of pain (on both sides) due to my father’s disability and the fact he was not able to do as much as the other fathers I knew in my suburban middle class environment.

I hate to say it but I honestly cannot recall any truly happy moments with my family because I always felt their expressed and non-expressed) distress and unhappiness with their own lives, individually and towards each other. i feel both of my parents have deeply unresolved emotional issues as well.

I know that environment really shaped the way I perceived myself and the world as I always had low self-esteem growing up, anxiety, and depression at times. I always (and still do, as much as i hate to admit) have extreme anger and resentment towards those I perceive to have happy families and a positive upbringing.

Being on my own, maturing, and absorbing self-improvement work like Leo’s over the past few years has definitely changed me for the better and I can really see my hang ups and the roots in which they began.

However, I still have deep anxieties and grieving empathy for my parents (still) unhappy lives. The majority of the time I see them something always goes wrong, is always emotionally draining, and I come back extremely depressed and grieving for their own unhappiness and (selfishly) my unhappiness and resentment for those of my peers who have seemed to have it much different than I.

They do want the best for me (even though it doesn’t seem to come off that way at times) and I realize that the majority of anxieties, anger, and deep/odd feelings of being “stuck” is rooted in my upbringing and my old thought patterns….also, the fact that I just want them to have happier lives. I feel like “how can I be happy if they aren’t?” it feels like it is too unfair to them. I know it is irrational, but I feel it especially now because my mother has been having some medical problems and may have cancer (not sure yet, though)

Any advice or insight would be greatly appreciated. I know that the only thing I can control in life are my own thoughts, emotions, and actions….sometimes I feel I have come so far in my own development, other times (like today) I feel like I have taken 10 steps back and haven’t really accomplished as much as I thought I have.

thank you to any that will reply. i truly feel this forum will and has helped me share some of my issues and get some insightful feedback.

its seems that you have a pretty good handle on all this, but at times you are not able to control your thought process, which is creating these times of depression and anxiety.  as the human identity it is often hard to control the thought process.  Everything you have ever done is because of your thought process.   It was no accident that you were born to these parents, and apparently there are some huge lessons for you to learn here and you are learning them.  The real issue is controlling your thoughts.  as long as you function as the human identity, that problem will always exist.  So what is the solution to your issue, you are going to have to understand yourself on a deeper level of your being, the only way that is going to happen is for you to be the observer and the observed,  you are going to have to look at life from another place than the human identity and ego. ( take some time to be quiet and still and to experience and explore the source of life that is possessing your body during this time, embrace it, be one with it).  i didnt tell you to practice meditation, and there is a reason for that,  meditation for the most part is just another buzz word that has come to mean little for the most part.  Many will meditate their whole life and never achieve self realization.  simply do the one thing i told you and it will bring change to your life.  in order to be liberated from the ills of the human identity you must ( be ) that which is using your body to experience life, that means to see and function from a higher place than the human body. 

you have learned a lot, embrace these lessons, its time to move beyond these things,  begin to monitor your feelings, and what affects your feelings, and the feelings that come from your actions,  watch your thoughts, look at how they make you feel,  listen to the words you use, and how it affects you and others,  look at the actions you are taking or going to take, what is the intention behind them, what consequences will it generate,  what are all these things generating within you and for others.  the more closely you monitor these things, you will see what you are doing to yourself and others and out of that will come a desire for liberation that will be following close behind.

One other thing you can do is begin to question everything that you believe, why do you believe what you believe, a belief is just a belief, its never real, drop them, look at your programing that you have been programed with, can you see it, see how it has molded and controlled you.  contemplate these things, there is enough right here in this text to enable you to be self realized, if you can see it, and you have the will and desire to do these things and all it requires is introspection of your deeper self and contemplation of these things i have written here.