living a catch 22

[now is forever]

we really sometimes need people to tell us a story.

[now is forever]

just laughed because i saw what banksy made in paris. i don‘t know if i got what it meant exactly. but it felt a lot like what i did here.

it‘s a girl standing on the lader spraying some patterns over the nazy cross. still visible. she looks a little surprised.

„who me?“

but i hope i didn’t do something like that here. it feels a little like that. hope people who read what i wrote here understand that i don‘t want to paint over the nazy cross. well i did with pink paint but not exactly that tone and not in that pattern.

i felt triggered because i did the same ?

it‘s all just a counter reaction to nihilism. i would have spoken differently in another situation. the overly positive part - if someone even reads it. i hope it‘s possible to read between the lines.

positiveness is there despite or because of the situation it’s a farce in that sense.

hope you can grab the meaning along the tune.

the higher the wave - that‘s maybe more the picture. pink was just a counter reaction to other colours, of a whole generation like it is black or green or even blue. 

some more layers would do the trick ?

still learning and there is no end? 

thanks to art

 

the meaning is surely directed to someone else, it says wake up to a lot of people maybe to everyone.

we are just a part of it.

 

there is another one with a rat and champagne, the rat is running away with the cork the champagne is left for everyone who wants it. open for interpretation ? 

too many options to decide - that’s always been the problem.

i choose what my heart tells me. i’m a rat, too. i’m just a bottle opener for now.

Edited June 25, 2018 by now is forever

[now is forever]

i now know where i saw that pink pattern. it‘s the same pattern he painted on the elephant. did i tell the elephant was red? but in my story i separated the elephant and it‘s colour + the wallpaper from the thing underneath the wallpaper.

and painted the pattern on the symbol that was lying underneath the muddy colourred wall - for everyone  to see. it‘s a very egocentrical very onesided view. we all have to still transcend the massive giant of autocracy in understanding what it‘s about. in the end it‘s all about the ego. not only ours. 

it‘s like understanding what consciousness means on the body level.

Edited June 26, 2018 by now is forever

[now is forever]

welcome to all the monkeys in the house 

pack your bags and manage the flow

evolution is on the go

every elephant and every mouse

use your hands and your heart to stop the whoo

- click in your brains to balance your zoo

 

this little monkey has no other answer to it.

Edited June 26, 2018 by now is forever

[now is forever]

i‘m thinking of strong women - and who they are for me. women like rosa parks. like the berlin women who rebuilt the whole city after the war with their own hands. like women everywhere on the world building up their country by organizing small communities and starting to build something from the scratch. women who really have to say something in a society that is driven by the ivory tower. mostly they only leave the ivory tower when it’s already broken down. hasn’t it been like that for centuries, they got burnt in the middle ages get treated as second rate humans in so many societies even in modern ones and at last they have to rebuild it again if men have made a mess out of it.

where does this power come from? and why do they still enslave themselves in man made communities? women these days in western society are so much stronger and some try to build businesses differently but in the companies they have to be manlike to rise to the top. who ever wants that? so women just stay procrastinating because someone has to run live in the end.

true inspirations we get from our gay and transsexual friends the gay community is fighting for that and they are proud of it and that’s their real heart force, they are often the better “women” and the better “man” they even find meaning where we sometimes can’t find it anymore. 

i think it’s because they have not just one role model to run to while growing up. they can decide between their mom and their dad or incorporate both of them and have a whole community to run to while growing up. (despite all other difficulties)

women in general incorporate also both of their parents, but still they try to match into a box, society has sized for them. even if the box is too small or too big.

for women what ego is there to kill? it’s already trampled on since centuries. 

literally women press their feet in disformation molds over ages just to look good in a man driven society, sometimes i think they where made for us to not run away. like the chinese lotus feet where pressed into a shape.

it was also a sex symbol.

i like walking barefoot, whenever i can. it feels more natural.

interesting how different role models can be. 

we can be barbies and marylins on the outside and rosa parks and frida kahlo on the inside or if we exchange the symbols they stand for even vise versa. 

do we have to stick to our human made boundaries for that? no!

only the society problem - how will we ever solve that? if there is no true equality.

i’m not sure, i can’t talk as a member of the gay community but i don’t want to because it’s not my right to step into their own identity, they fought for that. i’m just talking for the freedom of identity in general.

it’s always about in who’s shoes we want to fit.

and if we can be who we are without fitting into some kind of shoes.

 

true equality lies in diversity. but maybe we need a role model change to be truely free.

(exchange would also fit)

 

 

for those who really understand the symbol of high heels: the most beautiful women in their hearts are sometimes not born in the body of a woman. 

 

if ego men want to understand all that they should close the circle ⭕️ for themselves. by visualizing in what shoes they are walking or stepping in to. 

everyone else tries mostly to be emancipated.

i speak only as an ego woman here who tries to walk bare feet.

(a small reminder a circle ⭕️ is closed by breaking it)

Edited June 28, 2018 by now is forever

[now is forever]

there are so many more silent wars going on in this world (if we leave the armed ones for an instance) so many more internal ones, than the war of the ego or the war of gender and religion - the biggest one might still be the war of cultural background, skintone and language. the war of hierarchy and cast systems, intertwined with the war of drugs the war of education the war of money the war of fashion etc. all battled out during one day. and there is the big war against monotony and against time. stuffing ourselves not only with candy but with senseless information.

and there is still the war of nutrition and health, because as well as we in the west are overfed with them in other countries they are in need of better ones or at least having any.

i wonder wherever we left evolution behind - if we don’t evolve as a species together, and align with the nature and our internal rhythm and finetune the body with nature again, not against it, and finetune our experiences in exchange with other humans, having actually fun sharing time with them, being productive together and supportive. we will soon be fociles - next species unknown.

 

Edited June 28, 2018 by now is forever

[now is forever]

https://www.investopedia.com/terms/d/destructive-creation.asp

http://destructivecreation.com/

 

to understand how i understand destruction and what i mean when i talk about disconstruction and reconstruction

[now is forever]

i like marie kondo, she teaches us to tidy up our surrounding, and understanding her principle can help us to tidy up inside our mind, and body, too. 

Edited June 28, 2018 by now is forever

[now is forever]

all utopies change if they are proved against reality, they change from a good idea into either a dystopie or something we can live with. only the essence of the idea doesn’t change.

the wolve we nourish is the wolve that grows.

[now is forever]

just found a nice musik video of what happens when a pink in spiral dynamics blue indoctrinated woman is the woman a man supports. 

but what if most woman are like that: (just for an instance stepping in their shoes)

women are often just there to shield the ego of their partners. while they sometimes shield life itself.

and then they need their partners to stand strong for them, doing what they can and do best, because that’s what it means in a monkey society to stand by their women. for once, just listening to them and give them the shoes they want to wear.

mostly they are even willing to pay for themselves. a gentleman would pay the price.

and let them walk barefoot as often as they want to, because their feet are pretty, when they touch the earth. with their coral painted nail polish, on the grass and in the sand.

their face lifted to the sun.

Edited June 29, 2018 by now is forever

[now is forever]

entered a new stage, where i am loaded with energy and very productive - problem is i can‘t focus enough. i try to do meditation. but it‘s quiet hard for someone like me - i‘m a bit chaotic. there are so many situations when i’m aware of a lot of things simultaneously. in berlin there are so many things happening at the same time. 

what am i breathing in and what do i breath out - does it even matter? in the past i often stopped breathing - i try not to do that anymore.

from where do i take energy? is it from within me or is an overload of energy taking energy from others? that’s a thought i always had since i read a book about that (can‘t remember the title). i‘m constantly afraid i could somehow interfere in a bad way, causing more suffering, unwillingly.

i know there is also the thought of energy being not inherently good or bad. but in chinese medicine, there is still yin and yang energy. 

do i have to learn qui gong to understand that? i might not have enough time for that...because mastering takes a lot of time.

also had a nice subway experience - where the whole space was loaded with energy, everyone taking part in it. everyone awake and full for a moment. someone playing the harmonica, the whole room filled with light.

gave some small money, but afterwards in another train - there where other guys coming in, selling newspaper - and i was sad, because they where going empty. my pocket is not full enough but i would like to share with everyone.

with energy it feels the same, i’m full at the moment so how should i channel that. it just comes and goes chaotically. 

it‘s not exactly maniac but a little in the direction of hypomanic.

[now is forever]

got my answer this morning. partly. i‘ll focus more on yoga from now on. i like walking with chi but breathing i can‘t stop that. there are others who should sometimes hold their breath. people who destroy from high high above. they should manage their energy a little more - so there is air down here for the people to breath. i can’t heal what others have poisoned for centuries, just by dissolving it with breath. sometimes maybe. but it‘s a drop on a hot stone if i don‘t have a healing job already. so i‘ll focus on creating one.

i‘m thankful for the ones who are able to resolve problems with breathing though! breathing through a harmonica for example. or just breathing to balance their chi, dissolving energy. and also the ones breathing to give and or take energy or create vacuums for us to wake up, just for the reason of balance.

if they wouldn‘t be here there would be no future to strive for. because breathing is living.

Edited July 7, 2018 by now is forever

[now is forever]

certainly i have problems with spiral dynamics stage orange, because orange for me is the opposite of what’s orange for others might be. so how can we rise something if we are even able to hold our breath to counter react. if we see ourselves as just one flower between others on a cherry tree.

that‘s maybe the counterreaction to my joyful feelings yesterday.

 

but this feeling can still be very beautiful and creative. in german there are many expressions revolving around this feeling.

„leidenschaft“ - passion, but one on one translation it is passion for sth that makes us suffer. a mixture of leiden=suffer and create.

„weltschmerz“ - world pain, it is like an illness for the beauty of the world

„sehnsucht“ - yearning, but here the addiction to yearn.

someone once said germans have a culture of melancholy - maybe because we have found words for it. or maybe we created words for it because it‘s part of our culture.

 

some days ago i was in the theater since long ago the first time. it was a peace written by an israeli woman. very contradictory work of identity unwiering. she also talked about word meanings. her melancholy is much deeper and much, much more painful and more horrifying than mine. she‘s suffering from her war driven mother country, where she grew up - being planted into another country suffering from being planted not in soil but in the air. i think the whole peace was about the triangle relationship between israel, germany and the us. and what we not do or do with other countries, still struggling from what happened not so long ago in another generation.

and all of us the watchers screaming inside by not talking about it. still screaming internally of that pain, making others scream in reality screaming out loud, by not talking not dissolving, not actually learning. not stopping the horrors letting them go on, letting them scream infinitely in our silence, in our inability to find solutions for peace. the pain is in the flesh goes through the flesh of the people and stays infinitely in our countries soul if we don‘t manage to resolve it. 

and not only in our own country’s soul but in all of our countries souls. reflecting it back to any other country on the world. like a prism breaking the energy of a nuclear bomb called hitler, he has us still in his grips, as long as we are not learning, bringing what he brought to us to others.

i wish i could resolve it - just by breathing. but the ones who have to breath for that just breath for their own problems. i hope they will resolve that some day. i really wish they would find back to what someone said centuries ago, even writing it in a book, a book they pray to every day. 

but actually they pray to a golden cow.

 

underneath the gold there is just horror and war and destruction in form of weapons. some sell it some buy it and some kill. but they all pray to it.

may what god really is forgive them one day for destroying paradise. may i be forgiven by screaming silently.

 

i hope our generation could stop that cycle - so our children can be more happy and can resolve their own pains.

maybe we have to get old for that. even if others want to predict our future. telling us we have to go on with that. they will be gone by then.

but we are in need of an age of illumination.

(no offense to hindu‘s here, respect for animals is something very spiritual - i just used it as a symbol of another culture they created in a  time when they didn‘t know about spiritual diversity)

all gods lead us to the same source, all gods are arising in the same consciousness the consciousness that resides in all sentient beings we can choose if we want to serve the forgiving nature of what we perceive of god -   and we can chose not to act uppon the not forgiving part or the rage part of god. but if we choose the forgiving part or the empty part or the everything part we also find peace, by illumination, using disconstruction instead of destruction, using construction and reconstruction instead of destruction.

and in the end we might even understand that all gods are just a symbol of what it really is and that we are all together part of it and we got the freedom to resist and the freedom to think because of illumination, a history we sometimes forget because it’s not dramatic enough and we don’t like to suffer being different so much or forget that some things about us are not so different at least and maybe we are able to remember we are all in it together in the boat that will maybe bring us to the top of a hill, one that is high enough for a buddha to sit on without drowning one where a dove is flying to.

and in our boat there are all animals even the ones that are already gone. 

but i can say, the water has already risen literally and metaphorically, there is not much time to pack our bags. so i want to pack mine with tools and nourishment and medicine spiritually and physically and i try to find better ones to build a more sustainable world. and i count on others to pack what they are able to find worthy to survive just leave the shit in the past while walking, try to leave not to much waste behind better reuse and don‘t forget nourish the animals instead of eating them.

 

sorry for those who might read that, i just need the feeling of putting something out there because screaming silently is no option anymore. i love to use my hands for that now. soft ones, talking to myself ones.

Edited July 7, 2018 by now is forever

[now is forever]

and what if... we are melancholic for one day. someone has to have world pain from time to time. nothing would ever change if not.

but you wake up in the morning and the world is filled with hope again - because in reality we are not alone. we are with everyone in parallels. as long as we breathe. 

even if it‘s dark outside, there is a moon and stars everywhere as long as we look up into the sky from time to time.

 

[now is forever]

actually i have to correct myself i don’t think all gods are just symbols - i think they are much more than that. i don‘t want to demystify them - as i found mystery in them, i’m still trying to find out what they are and how they can appear in one’s consciousness, i just think it would be better for us to take the rageful part as a warning - a warning not to rektify our doing with their rage - because they are just showing us ourself in that moment. and showing us what others have done to us - and make us go berserk, sometimes. it is our own decision to break that and stop the karma cycle with that. no one else can do that but ourself. it would be very sad, if we would no longer believe in their guidance. because there is spiritual wisdom in all parts of religion. but it‘s all the same book of life they are written in and we can choose, what to believe and how much power we give them. if we understand that we can see what new gods we constructed in reality. the old ones at least have morals and culture. i like their powerful guidance. they show us a path and they are real in that moment in us and have power over us as far as we let them. that‘s the essence of what i believe.

if we don‘t believe in anything, at least i want to believe in humanity and in a consciousness, one that exists outside and inside of us, because i experienced it as reality. 

oneness and yes it‘s still there, it‘s just too mindblowing to stay there.

staying there is also attachment - even when it exists indefinitely and for a part of me it does.

Edited July 9, 2018 by now is forever

[now is forever]

i‘m a cherry picker and i like threads, that‘s how i constructed my universe.

couldn‘t find the one with the cherry kernel wide spitting.

 

Edited July 10, 2018 by now is forever

[now is forever]

a week ago or so i bought this nice book because i like the contrast of it - i also noticed a little bit more the male child caring society - politics made that more available in germany.

i think it’s a good example of how guys transcended their pains - and find a new beginning. they truely are circle breakers.

i only chose the most contrasting father child photographs. because they represent the most drastic visual transformations for me. because these fathers carry their pains on the skin and not on their arms.

the book is from poland. the fathers are all creatives.

 

Edited July 11, 2018 by now is forever

[now is forever]

[now is forever]

the big problem of communities, and that means starting by two, in every layer of society, are not only the ego that’s only interested in itself but also the ego that tries to think of all part takers in it’s community. sometimes we decide for the community and get against the individual that rises over the head of the community - that’s always a problem, especially when people do a one man show. it’s especially bad if we suppress someone with skills just because we don’t like everything else about them. but it’s also sad if we are not able to take their small problems because of misinterpretation. 

it’s certainly because of our own identification. i realized that because i try to understand these structures at the moment - and by trying to understand them, i take their point of view, problem is the tolerance about whiners then. what has the effect that i just block them off sometimes because i’m getting intolerant to their needs. 

question always is: which community comes first in our personal perception of importance. that’s maybe one of the starting points of all group dynamics and of group pressure, mobbing, war and all culture clash. that’s why no community should be more important than another one. but in reality how do we make that work? there is almost no situation without some small frictions. 

either we avoid or we give in or we let it clash or we find kompromises or we find consensus. or we power through.

very difficult.

[now is forever]

think i understood the comparison between islamic woman capitalization and pua, in sense of one guy has all the girls while i will go empty - why guys are so needy. guys really think sex is the answer to all their suffering. that might be...in short term body sense. but having a lot of girls doesn‘t make them solve their problems - the big problems still stay there because it‘s just a form of capitalizing someone to release one manifestation of suffering.

but if guys work on their problems in reality and on their inner representation of reality, through their hands and change society, bringing themselves into balance with humanity and nature and find spirituality, they also find an end to their suffering. while doing that, they relax, being part of a group and relief of sexual suffering just comes along, in one or the other way.

having an equally balanced society with gender equality- if really lived and not just in theory. where women are protected against capitalization, makes a society grow over it‘s head. would be a society that is truely happy an evolved one. but in reality we are still far from it. 

men emancipation is the key.

 

but it‘s a different emancipation than women emancipation.

some have to rise their selfesteem and a lot really need to crack their ego - but all need to understand women nature and accept their work in society, giving them freedom and support being able to recive their support and their way of thinking.

women brains are also pretty and i mean that visually how women brains look like, there has to be a reason why it is like that.

 

maybe one day there will be equally many guys and girls reciving the juggler award.

(i think there will be mysteriously a woman on their side to support them)

Edited July 12, 2018 by now is forever