I am so pissed off at everything to do with self help

[fireworld]

10 hours ago, Pernani said:

I'm no expert but in my opinion I think motivation is your main problem, it's like you're doing self help just for the sake of doing self help, maybe you don't have a vision for your life, yourself and for what you can create in the long term that is compelling enough, that brings you to tears the moment you think about it and that makes you willing to do anything to achieve it without being attached to achieving it paradoxically, enjoying the process and not being so attached to the outcome, in my opinion that's what brings the most change.

 

Believe me friend, I have tried more exercises and done more work on my life vision than 99% of people who are famous in the field of self help and even then, as you are exactly correct, my motivation dies anyways and I simply can't push through all the resistance that I face socially and emotionally in the attainment of my goals.

[fireworld]

@Michael569

11 hours ago, Michael569 said:

perhaps you just failed to understand the process of Mastery. The simplest of them all which is that anything, no matter how exciting in the beginning will become difficult, dull, repetitive and discouraging. And if you are not ready for a ride of pain, you will not make it.

This is what discourages 99% of people from any new endeavour they try to undertake....the fitness commitment is an excelent example. 

Get on that horse and dedicate your whole life to it and if you fail so what... try again the next day. 

But getting on that horse again after several falls eventually just starts to feel like you are doing something wrong, if you have tried all the recommended techniques for example to become motivated and stay commited, and not 1 of them works to produce the outcome, then its either the system or advice that is wrong, or it's me.

Whichever one it is is of no matter to me since I just want to be able to create the habits, the persistance to push through and reach my goals. I am willing to change whatever aspect of me for the greater outcomes.

 

[fireworld]

11 hours ago, Erlend K said:

Im sorry to hear that you don't feel like you are making enough progress, @fireworld . Hopefully we can help you out if you provide some more details:

-What are your major short-, mid- and longterm goals? You mentioned losing weight and spending more time meditating. Are these really your main goals? They seem more like means for reaching some goal than as goals in themselves.

-What are the major problems/challenges in your life at the moment?

-What are you currently doing to move towards these goals and overcome these problems?

My goals are quite simple, I want to use my business expertise to grow a business to a very profitable level. Once I get to a high enough level I would like to create something called a "Life-bar".

This will be like a chocolate bar that has 2000 calories in it, has a good ratio of fat, carbs and protein and will be extremely easy to produce with a very long shelf life. This bar will then be distrubited all around the world in poverty stricken areas and there will even be vending machines where everyone who has no food for the day can go and get a "Life-bar" to survive and energies their bodies.

This will be my life mission, hopefully it will end world hunger and then I'm done.

Then I'll go buy a little boat with the money I have left and go fishing somewhere.

Hopefully one day the boat turns over and I drown, this is my preferred way of dying. 

So the challenge is this, I have internal resistance to going out in the business world, I can't get myself to work as productively as I need to be able to work in order to realize my dream, and then when I put in a few months of work and get no result I get extremely discouraged and usually revert back to my old ways.

[Dan Arnautu]

@fireworld I know it is hard. Very hard indeed. But that's why so few get the good life. If it were easy, this forum would not have existed.

7 hours ago, fireworld said:

However my experience is that the secret lies in consistent execution over long periods of time, and then you get the outcoume. However, I almost never meet anyone who has been successful in applying what they have learned and actually gain anything from it.

Careful, because that can be an anecdotal logical fallacy. If you haven't seen the people around you getting results from self-help, it doesn't mean that self-help doesn't work . In the same way that I can't affirm that diets don't work just because all the people around me have not successfuly dieted.

7 hours ago, fireworld said:

Most people get stuck in the theory and stay there, I have done my best to actually produce the result that I am after but after months of intense emotional labour and weak or no results, my motivation dies, and even if I just use brute force eventually my willpower runs out and I revert back to old behaviours.

This is why I sometimes lose hope that it's even possible. Logically it all works out perfect, emotionally and pragamtically it almost never does. As an example of this, we enrolled in a seminar about business, out of the 200+ people who attended only 1 person was able to succeed using the business tactics.

Most likely due to poor execution. Again, any decent program/course/book/seminar will work if you are consistent with it, if you are proactive and constantly self-optimize your aproach. I've coached many people to lose weight and put on muscle, on plans specifically made for them.

The ones that experienced massive results in a very short span of time were the ones that followed what I said to a T, and when they screwed up, they got back on track the next day. Things like losing 10kg of fat and putting on 2k of muscle in the span of 2 months were easy results for these guys, because they followed exactly what I said, and they stayed consistent for a long period of time.

And then there were the other ones,  the ones for whom I changed the approach 20 times because they said it doesn't work and that there must be something wrong with it. No, there wasn't anything wrong with the programs I made for them. All of them worked. It was actually logically impossible for them to not work. You can't trick a caloric deficit the same way you can't trick the law of gravity.

When I digged deeper, they weren't tracking the calories as I told them to, they were doing the reps to failure in the gym (when I told them not to), they were doing either more or less cardio than I advised, they were not getting enough sleep etc. Of course the programs were not working. Of course. They haven't been doing what I told them to, and thus got NO RESULTS. NONE. ZERO PROGRESS.

So reassess your situation and start over again and again.

7 hours ago, fireworld said:

Same is true about Pickup for example, I know countless guys who have bought pickup products and are still virgins.

Not enough action. MASSIVE ACTION IS NEEDED.

You can't possibly tell me that a guy that goes out and approaches 100 girls per night won't get laid within one month. Extreme ownership needs to be taken of the situation. One can stay at home, bitch and moan about how the program doesn't work, or one can go out and implement the techniques again and again and see outstanding results because of the deployed effort and time. To get what you want you have to deserve what you want. And the work always comes first.

If the pickup products would not work, they would be off the market, and in the age of social media you can't hide the defects of a product. So if a product wouldn't genuinely work, you would find it out very easily through bad reviews/testimonials and general social media backlash.

7 hours ago, fireworld said:

It may just be that I have understimated how hard change is and that I have to be willing to sacrifice everything for my outcome.

Yes, again, it is very hard. You are going against the grain, against what 99% of people do and settle with. But on the other hand, 99% of your success will come from just showing the fuck up. Every. Single. Day.

Only blessings,

-Dan

Edited June 16, 2018 by Dan Arnautu

[Rilles]

100% Responsibility, a master craftsman doesnt blame his tools for his mistakes. 

[fireworld]

@Dan Arnautu

You talked about how if you give someone a plan to follow and they follow it they will always get the results because the plan is bullet proof (losing weight through caloric deficit for example)

The question is how do you get someone to pick a goal like that and actually stick to the plan for the long term? People often times say that you just have to be positive or something, or just believe in yourself, or "just do it". But there must be some other aspect of psychology that makes someone follow through.

Let's say that you give me the caloric deficit diet plan, and for a week I follow it then my motivation vanes or other habits kick in that steer me off the path. How do you keep yourself motivated for such a long time to make the habit permanent? Or make the habit just a part of who you are?

People assume its a question of Values, but people can value the "wrong" thing. They can logically know that they shouldn't eat processed foods but do so anyways, so how does one become truly commited to a goal without ever giving in. I have read so many autobiographies and in every single one, the key ingredient was that they kept on pushing no matter what, some even kept on pushing in spite of fear of death, how the hell does one get that level of determination and willpower for something like losing weight, or going out picking up women?

Awaiting your insights!

 

[Nahm]

@fireworld Exercise every morning at home.  First thing. 

[fireworld]

1 hour ago, Nahm said:

@fireworld Exercise every morning at home.  First thing. 

Already doing it brother, thanks for the input!

[Shroomdoctor]

@Dan Arnautu Just out of nowhere. You are one fucking handsome guy. 

[from chaos into self]

On 6/15/2018 at 4:22 AM, fireworld said:

@Jamie Universe heres the problem for me I do all that stuff. I actually did sell my PC and was away from the internet for 8 months of the year 2017 in order to deepen my meditation practice. I did 1 hour of forced determined sitting at least daily.

I do 5 minutes of affirmations, 30 minutes of visualization and I then write my affirmation 10 times and then journal. But it hasn't motivated me yet I'm just using every bit of my willpower to push through.

Maybe it's something that I'm missing here but I don't know.

So then take the one you like least and do it seven times a day, and no other, that is your only practice. And go look up how to do it at least once a day. From different sources too

[Space]

On 15/06/2018 at 0:44 PM, fireworld said:

@furashido For example, I wanted to lose weight. And the way i did this was i planned out a weight loss program with intermittent fasting, tried that for a few months lost the weight and then gained it back.

After that I learned about systems theory from Eben Pagan and decided that I was going to Make it impossible Not to lose the weight so I bought all the healthy food that i was going to need and gave my credit card away to my mother so i had no money to spend for a whole 30 days.

Lost the weight, but eventually it all crept back. 

Then when this happened, I quit my job eventually to try to focus on my businessess, that worked for a while but then my desire for the business died and i couldn't get myself motivated again. 

I know this all sounds werid and even lame, but I just can't seem to create a habit and then have that habit be so deeply ingrained in me that it carries me with it. 

The other goal was meditation, I realized that this may be it, so I sold my PC and from September 2016 to May 2017 I had an old phone with no internet connection and no tv, no pc. Full monk mode, i managed to meditate regularly for these months but eventually i got discouraged by the results and that habit died out aswell.  

These experiences have been quite repetative for me, but I was successfull in my job (top performer in sales), i have a steady circle of friends, around 5 close friends. I have enough money to not work for a year or two, but these damned self helped things just don't want to stick with me haha.

 

 

I feel like you're taking the wrong approach with most of the things you mentioned here. It's like you're just going cold-turkey in every case. This can work, with some people, but for most people most of the time changing habits needs to be a gradual process. Otherwise you're just fighting against homeostasis and that'll always be an up hill battle. 

So for the healthy eating and loosing weight, this needs to be a gradual shift. Try replacing one aspect of your unhealthy diet at a time. Maybe start cutting down on your wheat consumption and work on implementing that for a few weeks or months if necessary. Then work on cutting down refined sugars etc. Then work on eating more vegetables and slowly getting used to those kinds of flavours and textures, rather than the usual saturated fats and super sweet sugary foods. The change has to come from within, not from an external source (i.e. giving away your credit card).

With the business, quitting your job probably wasn't the best idea. Don't criticise yourself for loosing motivation on the business though. It happens to everyone. The trick is to push through that lack of enthusiasm and keep working at it even when you don't feel like it. Be disciplined about it. Every job and business has grindy aspects. It's not all fun and games. Maybe you needed to just take a short break and remind yourself of your original motivation for starting the business. To help with procrastination, set aside very specific blocks of time to work on the business. 

With meditation, trying to go full monk mode when you've barely done any prior meditation is a classic rookie error. Underestimating how difficult meditation can be is so common. I'm certainly guilt of this myself. It's not easy stuff by any means. Selling you're computer and changing your phone was bound to fail. Again, you're just going cold turkey and not understanding the power of homeostasis. Unless you're a super talented meditator and/or spiritually gifted this will just never work. It has to be a gradual implementation.

Try just doing 20 minutes a day. And then gradually build up the time when it feels right. But even with a fairly easy session of 20 minutes a day, you need to commit to it for life. You might not actually meditate for the rest of your life, but that commitment needs to be there. I mean, why wouldn't you?!. Also commit to doing it every single day no matter what. Be disciplined. Don't be lazy. 20 minutes a day is so easy. Develop your mindfulness so that you become more aware of all the sneaky thoughts and justifications for not meditating. And then ignore them and sit down on the cushion.

With regards to a lack of results, this is common so don't be disheartened. A daily practise is a great foundation, but you need to be either upping the quantity and quality of your daily meditation or attending retreats to see real progress. Also remember that meditation is a subtractive process. You don't gain anything from meditating. You only loose what is not needed. And this is often subtle, hard to identify and is quite different to what you imagine or want the results to be.

[Dan Arnautu]

21 hours ago, fireworld said:

The question is how do you get someone to pick a goal like that and actually stick to the plan for the long term? People often times say that you just have to be positive or something, or just believe in yourself, or "just do it". But there must be some other aspect of psychology that makes someone follow through.

Let's say that you give me the caloric deficit diet plan, and for a week I follow it then my motivation vanes or other habits kick in that steer me off the path. How do you keep yourself motivated for such a long time to make the habit permanent? Or make the habit just a part of who you are?

Firstly, the goal has to be really important to you, otherwise you are not gonna stick to it. Or, alternatively, a lot of pain must be involved if you don't achieve the goal you had set. That can put your feet to the fire too.

Secondly, motivation as a fuel to get things done must be discarded at all costs. The days when you are not gonna feel like doing the work will be  more numerous than the ones where you do. That's where discipline comes in. Through discipline you get things done. You may not feel like it, but you do it anyway. This is the mindset needed.

People would normally think that after working out every week for more than 5 years, it is easy for me to do it, or at least easier than in the beginning.

No, it's not. It's just as hard. If anything, it's more challenging. The workouts are longer and harder than when I started Most days of course I would rather stay at home and watch a TV show rather than go to the gym, but I go anyway.

How do I motivate myself to do that? I make it non-negotiable. The second I leave myself even the option of not going, working out become debateable. That's why I just put it in the calendar like any other appointment I HAVE to go to. I treat it like an appointment with myself.

Most people do not use "motivation" to go to class every day, do they? It's in their schedule and they have to go, simple as that.

You just have to make a 100% commitment to your goal. No wiggle room. As an example, if I hadn't made the commitment to work out 3x a week for the rest of my life, I would have backslided hundreds of times.

So, set your goal, commit to it 100% and rely on discipline, not motivation, to show up and do the work (at least until it becomes a habit).

22 hours ago, fireworld said:

People assume its a question of Values, but people can value the "wrong" thing. They can logically know that they shouldn't eat processed foods but do so anyways, so how does one become truly commited to a goal without ever giving in. I have read so many autobiographies and in every single one, the key ingredient was that they kept on pushing no matter what, some even kept on pushing in spite of fear of death, how the hell does one get that level of determination and willpower for something like losing weight, or going out picking up women?

Awaiting your insights!

The answer is: Vision! One that should make you cry when you visualize it in your mind as being achieved.

Keeping the fitness analogies, Arnold Schwarzenegger was just a poor kid living in a small town in Austria and he had created a vision of him going to America and becoming the best bodybuilder of all time. Not the best bodybuilder of his country, or of his generation, but OF ALL TIME! 

We can't actually even comprehend how far outside the realm of possibility this ambition was if we were to be put in his situation. Most of us would have asked ourselves, "who the fuck am I to think I can be the best bodybuilder of all time?".

Thus, a vision will not motivate you unless it is big enough, grandiose, maybe not even done before.

But the vision doesn't have to be THAT big. For me, I was just a weak and fat kid who wanted not to be picked on and wanted to be somewhat attractive to girls. That vision kept me in the gym, but it did not motivate me to build a great body. That's why I haven't made much progress then.

But, when my vision had become positively motivated, as in wanting to achieve the physique of a greek god, the results started to skyrocket. I visioned myself having the body of a greek god, being able to showcase outstanding physical ability and turning heads everywhere, not for a narcissistic indulgence, but as a symbol of hard work.

I wanted  to turn people's heads because I wanted them to be inspired by the hard work put into obtaining it. Having a greek god physique would also keep me insanely heathy in my old age due to the strength training, so that was a motivator too.

Visioning also helps you reprogram your subconscious mind. It gets rid of and prevents self-sabotaging behaviours when you are working towards achieving your goal.

If we are thinking of picking up women, let's say for example that you are an insecure, introverted geek who is 23 years old and never had sex.

Vision yourself in the future as having options with women, having sex with perfect 10's every day.

Vision being able to talk in such a way that you just hypnotize women and get them wet with just your voice, enter any room and being seen instantly as the alpha male from just your presence, being able to open any woman, anytime, anywhere.

Vision being able to pick up the woman of your dreams and her not ever wanting to let you go.

This is a great vision that CAN be achieved. But, it has to be there in the first place in order to keep you on track with the goal.

I hope this has made things clearer for you. I am still just scratching the tip of the iceberg on the subject though. We can go much deeper on this, but time is limited.

Good luck!

-Dan