My story - looking for some help

[EvilAngel]

Hi everyone, I'm a 31 year old male from Scotland. This is my second post on this forum. I'm looking for some help with some things in my life so I'm gonna tell you a bit about myself and hopefully you can relate and edify me. 

So I've watched between 50-100 of Leo's videos. A lot of the stuff he talks about I already knew, but I've also learned a lot from him. He's a great teacher.

I've been on the spiritual path since I was 16 after having an out of body experience. It inspired me to attempt astral projection which I was never particularly successful at. When I went to university I read a lot about spirituality. I felt an amazing sense of oneness with the world and walked about in a state of pure bliss, just taking in the beauty of the world. I was also at the time experimenting with psychoactives, such as cannabis, MDMA, and salvia. Sometimes I could literally see the connection between EVERYTHING, and it was beautiful. However, things took a turn for the worse. The drugs brought out a lot of previously unconscious material and I started getting extremely paranoid and depressed. I heard voices once, and started researching schizophrenia and other mental illnesses. I had to move back home to my parents and eventually got kicked out due to my angry outbursts. I was furious with the emotional abuse my family had inflicted upon me. I was homeless for a couple of years and then I got sectioned in a mental hospital, where I was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia. I spent 7 years in mental hospitals and homeless units. During that time I became addicted to amphetamine like drugs and also tried heroin. I became so depressed I could barely walk or leave my bed. 

I eventually got better thanks in part to reading Eckhart Tolle books. Also my mother died, which was a big relief for me as I didn't have to worry about her suffering as she had been ill all my life. Plus she couldn't force her agenda on me any longer. A sense of peace and lightness came back to me. 

I was discharged into a place of my own in Feb 2017 and am still here. I have been clean from drugs for 5 years and the symptoms of my illness are greatly reduced. I still get depressed sometimes but nothing like before, and I have a handle on my paranoid delusions. 

My Dad visits me sometimes. I find it literally impossible not to get angry with him. He was sexually inappropriate with me when I was younger which I found hard to admit for all my life. I have come to the conclusion that it was mainly my parents who caused my mental health problems. 

Leo has inspired me to get serious about my spiritual practice again and I have been meditating every day for a couple of months. It's difficult though because my upstairs neighbour is quite noisy. Also the area I live in is rife with drug users and people with other addictions so it's hard not to fall back into that trap. I smoke and drink sometimes which seems inevitable. 

I am now in a pretty good situation for practising meditation and spirituality because I have a lot of spare time and I don't have to worry about my finances. However I feel disconnected from the world because of the medication I am on (antipsychotics). 

So I'm looking for advice. How can I get more deeply into this work with the issues I face?  - My anger is having a huge negative impact on my life (it's not just with my dad) /My medication greatly reduces the pleasure I get from life / I can't seem to stop drinking and smoking. 

Any help is very much appreciated. 

?

Edit: I'm thinking I should find a physical community where I can practice, as I don't know anyone else in my area who seems as serious as me about attaining enlightenment. 

Edited June 14, 2018 by EvilAngel

[furashido]

@EvilAngel yes, it’s clear that there is a lot of pain waiting to be dealt with. It wont be easy, but you have to unlock those doors and let it come out. You will feel lighter and things will become clearer once you get past that step.

Happy travels

[Prabhaker]

On 6/15/2018 at 2:31 AM, EvilAngel said:

How can I get more deeply into this work with the issues I face?

Western psychology says mind can become ill, and can be healthy. But for the east, mind as such is the disease, it cannot be healthy. 

Prayer and meditation both can give you mental peace.

If you can pray, prayer itself is enough, more than enough. 

If you can't pray, then understand what meditation is.