Heavy Ego backlash just one week meditating

[Nadosa]

One week into meditation I already feel like my Ego died and I recently got thoughts that I have to follow that and jump after it in the abyss - whatever died, maybe just a habit - but my current state of consciousness won't let me see through the illusion. This feeling has been around for 10 months now, a part is gone and I feel a valid urge to be gone too, thing is, I have never wanted to die intentionally. This is a dark night and I have surrendered everytime this part got active, but it takes all my energy. Is it because I have never meditated regularly?

Right now, I feel like my life depends on the level of my awareness. Being stuck in a state where I am not peacefully aware feels terribly exhausting.

I take self-actualization and spirituality very seriously because it saves my life everyday. 

How do I get to the root of this "dark" part? I have a feeling that it has to be dissolved and set free before I can move on. It is pretty hard to live side by side with it, I cannot really make friends with it. Especially when there are so many mind attacks "taking away" my awareness because they were fuelled for months that they became so persuasive.

Edited June 12, 2018 by Nadosa

[B_Naz]

7 hours ago, Nadosa said:

How do I get to the root of this "dark" part? I have a feeling that it has to be dissolved and set free before I can move on.

Die and be set free to where though? You can't escape to anywhere? I'm curious when you say that you will be set free and dissolved? 

 

[Guest Quanty]

You have to create another being,  consolidate the ego to feel the bliss. If you feel stuck is because you did not include other parts of the body and you stick to a certain pattern of belief, emotions and muscle strain. 

[Nadosa]

I don't quite understand. I feel like there is a reoccuring, let's call it "submind" making me feel like I have to die. I mean by setting free, letting go of it. However, it does not work atm.

Create another being, hm?

Edited June 13, 2018 by Nadosa