How to help someone who is hopeless?

[Santiago]

My girlfriend has serious emotional problems and has been trying to overcome them for a few years now, going to therapy, meditating, reading, trying different exercises but she feels she is still in the same place, and has lost hope.

She often says she wants to be dead, and says nobody understands her, she feels alone and hopeless. She has been hinting she will do something to call the attention of the people around her, so they can see how bad she feels, she has talked about suicide.

What should I do?

[egoeimai]

You can Love her but she can't accept it atm. So no point,cause its no use.

She will heal whenever the right time comes and she gets her lessons.

[Elisabeth]

How able are you to sit with her in her pain? She has told you she wants to be seen and understood. How far can you go with being present, how much can you appreciate who she is even given injury, pain, hopelessness and suicidal thoughts? Allow anything that's happening?

You can try. It may help eventually. Although chances are, if you haven't gone through significant pain yourself, you won't be capable of that emotional connection and acceptance (please don't make this to a limiting belief, but don't beat yourself up if that's the case either). 

There's no right way. You may be able to stay with her, or you might reach the point where you have to withdraw for your own sake. Do seek a therapist yourself, if you have the opportunity - because supporting someone who's depressed IS hard. 

I'm not sure if anything that Teal Swan has to say helps any. Maybe you watch it to have an idea, maybe recommend them to your gf if that doesn't come across as "trying to change her". But acceptance and actually being with her where she is - and having the trust in her own healing powers that she's lost - is far more important. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lXi7vcnvl5c&t=762s

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=42Kn4f6Mgks&t=17s

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IPzO5AC_Dlg

Edited June 12, 2018 by Elisabeth

[Jamie Universe]

6 hours ago, Santiago said:

My girlfriend has serious emotional problems and has been trying to overcome them for a few years now, going to therapy,

Do you mind telling us the problem? It doesn't have to be specific details, but a more general broad explanation. I know that's sort of intrusive but I can give advice based off specifics.

Otherwise, to put it simply. Understand what the problems are, how they work, and make/find solutions for it.

Edited June 13, 2018 by Jamie Universe

[Pisces]

Talking to people who go through such stage in their lives, many say that sometimes all they need from us is to be there. They usually know they are wrong, but they can't bring themselves back on the right track. Show her the attention and support she wants without pressing too far. Get others close to her to show the same attitude. I hope one day she will see how much you all love her.

Have you two considered help from other therapists/professionals?

I certainly hope you won't lose hope, even if she does, though I can only imagine how exhausting this journey has been for both of you.

[Santiago]

She has depression, huge self esteem issues, feels abandoned whenever I do something else, feels insecure, feels she doesn't deserve me and is afraid to lose me all the time. She gets emotional very easily and is very sensitive, her emotions controll her. One time she got physically aggressive with me because she felt insecure and said I was looking at some girls which I wasn't. 

That kind of stuff.

Mostly not finding any improvements and feeling hopeless that she will have to live the rest of her life suffering like that.

 

[Just Do Nothing]

Respond to her in the way of which feels right in the moment no matter what it is that will be said not which you have worked out would be good to say 

[Jamie Universe]

23 hours ago, Santiago said:

She has depression, huge self esteem issues, feels abandoned whenever I do something else, feels insecure, feels she doesn't deserve me and is afraid to lose me all the time. She gets emotional very easily and is very sensitive, her emotions controll he

 

1) there's always a reason for depression, it can be something happening in her life, or some mental framework / belief about life, it could even be some weird chemistry thing for all I know. But there's something, maybe her reasons for depression are because of self-esteem issues, or maybe she believes that every thing that is good about her world (you) is temporary and might be taken away. These are all just guesses, if you care about this you need to communicate with her, figure out what she thinks about all of this on a personal level, and even though that can be an awkward area to go too, if its suicide, its important you go there.

2) for self-esteem issue I recommend this video

Otherwise there's a ton of information out there on the internet about self-esteem.

 

 

[Sparkist]

Has she been to her doctor and been taken seriously about her emotional state? Took me 34 years to be taken seriously and I now I am on a great path of true recovery. 

[White]

On 12/06/2018 at 6:35 PM, Santiago said:

My girlfriend has serious emotional problems and has been trying to overcome them for a few years now, going to therapy, meditating, reading, trying different exercises but she feels she is still in the same place, and has lost hope.

All part of the process. 

These are the times that she will look back on in the future and understand that it made her the person she is now. 

[Guest Quanty]

Do Tantra with her, cuddle/bound with her, she needs harmony in the body. 

[pluto]

Accidentally drop some pure MDMA crystals in her drink

[YaNanNallari]

out of here

[Ether]

She is not putting 100% into it.

How do I know? I was in the same place as her. When I put 100% into it, I saw the results. You just got to get over the fear of powerlessness.

On 17/06/2018 at 7:14 AM, Sparkist said:

Has she been to her doctor and been taken seriously about her emotional state? Took me 34 years to be taken seriously and I now I am on a great path of true recovery. 

Doctors? Medicine? On mental conditions?

[CordeliaHawk]

On 6/12/2018 at 10:35 AM, Santiago said:

My girlfriend has serious emotional problems and has been trying to overcome them for a few years now, going to therapy, meditating, reading, trying different exercises but she feels she is still in the same place, and has lost hope.

She often says she wants to be dead, and says nobody understands her, she feels alone and hopeless. She has been hinting she will do something to call the attention of the people around her, so they can see how bad she feels, she has talked about suicide.

What should I do?

 

Wow! You are describing me perfectly! First thing to say, is that she needs to know how fortunate she is to have a support system, people who want to help her get better. I had only people who wanted to see me fail and suffer, who turned their backs and shut me out. Patience, kindness, understanding, love, knowing when to just listen, offer comfort, walk away from the moment, when to hold her, or give her space. But never making her feel she's suffering all alone or she doesn't deserve to be loved, that she doesn't matter. These are things my loved ones could have offered me in the way of support. Ultimately, though, she has to take responsibility for how her pysche is damaged, either figure out the causes and fix or let them go, or get stronger in spite of the damages. All you can do is continue loving her, have the patience of a saint, and hope she finds the strength from inside herself to heal. From my own experience, finding peace and serenity is much easier when the people you love are helping. You can only be supportive though, she has to do the work to become whole and in control. And it ain't easy! We, people who feel hopeless and want to give up, slip so easily into being negative. I'm looking for a purpose, something that stimulates a passion to live, not just exist, something I can see the results and say, "I did this!" I want something tangible, not another person that can disappoint or break my heart. Maybe this would help your gf? Goals are very motivating and give us something to focus on, be determined and busy. A positively focused mind is a happy mind. Help her find her passion. I do believe it's going to help me, as soon as I find something!

Pat yourself on the back for loving her enough to wanna help her. And find some support for yourself. Loving someone with any kind of malidy, physical or psychological, is very taxing on your own psyche. Find an outlet that helps keep you strong for her.

[d0ornokey]

@Ether

Agree. But to get to that point takes time or intense suffering

[Ether]

6 hours ago, d0ornokey said:

@Ether

Agree. But to get to that point takes time or intense suffering

You just need motivation. Feel the devine and see if you are not motivated.

[Vipassana]

10 day vipassana should help her see her issues objectively rather than think her way out of it. 

[Elisabeth]

@Santiago It would be nice to know you're following along... 

[from chaos into self]

my advice as someone who recovered from a comparable emotional reality, is to make a self-care kit, and to regularly take time to reflect on what changes you can observe from the past few weeks to few months, and take time to reflect on positives wanted in the future. 

 

 

From my life, I never felt like people related, and when I did it was a short-lived feeling, because there was more that never came up in our conversations, so it would be great to have someone relate but in the end only I would be the one to know my experience, and I had to be the one to learn how to be strong in the face of them. Learning from others helped, and sharing my experiences usually helped, but in the end it was my determination that pulled me through. 

 

 

Your friend of course wouldn't have to be like me to do something similar, to turn her life around, really it isn't turning life around though - it is finding what is strong already, and strengthening it further, and finding what isn't strong enough, and supporting oneself in building that strength. 

 

I have heard that changing one's environment can make a big difference - if it is possible for her to meet new people or visit new place I'd recommend it.