Dealing with Rejection

[hundreth]

I know this is a pretty common topic, but I'm putting it here because of the depth of it. This feels more like a spiritual inquiry than a standard personal development one. 

Here goes. A few years ago I moved to Israel from the states for some change and met a girl there. We had an intense up and download relationship for over a year. There were such intense highs and intense lows. In the end, I stopped the relationship since it did not seem healthy any longer. I moved back to the states to recover. 

Since then, I've been focusing on myself, practicing meditation, learning tons about spirituality and trying to work on everything which went wrong for me the year before. A few months ago I did Ayahuasca and this was an amazing experience which showed me I was still hurting over this relationship and still had feelings for this girl. 

I was talking to her from afar for awhile, we seemed to connect once again, and it felt like we were both working on ourselves. I booked a flight a few months out back to Israel to see her, have a vacation, and visit my family again. Of course in between that time she started dating someone else, and I thought alright, if I get there and she's still dating this guy, no big deal. I'll just focus on myself and have fun there. She ends up having a tough break up with him a week before I arrive. I get there, and while I know the situation isn't perfect, I don't allow it to change how I behave. Instead of being guarded and careful as I used to be when we dated, I wore my heart on my sleeve and loved her. The first couple of nights were great, and it felt like we were connecting again, even though I knew part of it was her getting over her "new" ex. But then things began to tumble. She was constantly bringing up her ex, and comparing us. She was flirting with other guys, dating other guys while I was there. It only took her a few nights to discard me. Even while she's going through a break up, I wasn't enough to keep her interested.

This was the most intense rejection I've ever felt. It's like complete rejection, to the core. Here is someone I was intimate with for over a year, talking almost daily, that I flew half way across the world to see, and I'm not good enough to fill her emptiness for more than a few days. I also had the chance to hear the cold and brutal truth that she dated taller men than me afterwards and that I don't compare favorably. 

Now I'm back in the states, and I feel devastated. I've been rejected before, but never this complete. I didn't retaliate against her or play dirty ego games, but I let her know I was hurting, and that I needed to move on from her. So now we're no contact. I'm trying to learn from this experience and turn it into something positive. Any encouraging words? 

[B_Naz]

One door closes, another door opens. Going to be honest, this woman sounds like a complete egoistical, insensitive and heartless person and you're probably better off without her.

I say use your pain of rejection to better yourself again, just like you did when you broke up with her for the first time. You went back to the states and became more enlightened. That takes hardwork to do that, and you need to do that now.

Maybe it's a complete rejection because you feel incomplete?

You are completely right in learning from that experience and turning into positive. So I'll give you some sentences/insights

- I can find someone much better, who I won't have to manipulate but generally want to be with her

- When the next woman comes, I will appreciate and love her even more, because of what that Israeli girl did to me

- Notice that I used "Israeli girl", because that is what she is, a girl. Not a woman, she's immature!

- I don't need her, I only need cake

- I can find some woman who has the same interests as me, someone who is into self-development, perhaps?

- What would my dad think If I'm crying over a girl? 

- I don't hate that israeli girl, because she has taught me a valuable lesson that was much needed

- God's plan?

Just observe the pain and be with it. Once you're use to feeling the pain of rejection, you will get use to it

[hundreth]

4 hours ago, B_Naz said:

One door closes, another door opens. Going to be honest, this woman sounds like a complete egoistical, insensitive and heartless person and you're probably better off without her.

I say use your pain of rejection to better yourself again, just like you did when you broke up with her for the first time. You went back to the states and became more enlightened. That takes hardwork to do that, and you need to do that now.

Maybe it's a complete rejection because you feel incomplete?

You are completely right in learning from that experience and turning into positive. So I'll give you some sentences/insights

- I can find someone much better, who I won't have to manipulate but generally want to be with her

- When the next woman comes, I will appreciate and love her even more, because of what that Israeli girl did to me

- Notice that I used "Israeli girl", because that is what she is, a girl. Not a woman, she's immature!

- I don't need her, I only need cake

- I can find some woman who has the same interests as me, someone who is into self-development, perhaps?

- What would my dad think If I'm crying over a girl? 

- I don't hate that israeli girl, because she has taught me a valuable lesson that was much needed

- God's plan?

Just observe the pain and be with it. Once you're use to feeling the pain of rejection, you will get use to it

 

Thank you so much. I know at the end of the day it's on me to work through this, but I can't tell you how helpful it is to have a reassuring voice to bridge the gap. It means a lot to me.

I just had a breakthrough meditation and think I understand what happened. We're all essentially the same, her, her ex, and myself. We all have no idea how to love ourselves or accept love. She says she always finds fault in whoever she's with, no matter what, and her relationships are always filled with drama. When I thought about her, I could see she wanted Jesus and the devil in the same man. She doesn't know what she really wants. Each of us doesn't know what love is, and so we associate pain and mistreatment with love. Before I got there, she was in an abusive relationship, and my loving presence brought her some solace. But quickly this became unfamiliar and boring to her. And so she did what she always did back when we were together, try to push my buttons and bring that fire out of me so I could mistreat her the way she thinks she wants to be. Our relationship was always up and down because that's the only way for it to be stable. Love to take away the pain from the mistreatment, then the love becomes boring, create drama for pain and attraction. Make up sex. Rinse and repeat ad nauseam. Now she tried the same thing, and I didn't react the same way. I simply got hurt from what she was doing and did not retaliate. Spark over, back to thinking about the ex who will give her the dose of pain she needs. And I'm the same way really, why else would I be so attracted to someone who mistreats me? It's just a cycle. Each of us needs to learn to love ourselves and accept love. Searching for pain as love will never be a stable foundation for a relationship.

[Sempiternity]

Coming from Enlightenment or Nonduality, there is no separation between you and this girl, or anyone or anything for that matter. You and her are the same and one. You cannot break up with yourself or lose yourself or get rejected by yourself. Do the work and become Awake. You'll never be separate from anyone ever again. You'll never be lonely or feel the pain of loss. You'll always be one with everyone and everything. Then you'll know what real love is. 

[hundreth]

12 minutes ago, Jed Vassallo said:

Coming from Enlightenment or Nonduality, there is no separation between you and this girl, or anyone or anything for that matter. You and her are the same and one. You cannot break up with yourself or lose yourself or get rejected by yourself. Do the work and become Awake. You'll never be separate from anyone ever again. You'll never be lonely or feel the pain of loss. You'll always be one with everyone and everything. Then you'll know what real love is. 

Yeah, conceptually I know this. I thought I was embodying this, but damn does that twin flame show you how far you are from really embodying non duality. That's really the testing ground for enlightenment or spirituality, relationships. If you can survive some dysfunctional relationship dynamics, you're progressing. 

[Sempiternity]

2 minutes ago, hundreth said:

Yeah, conceptually I know this. I thought I was embodying this, but damn does that twin flame show you how far you are from really embodying non duality. That's really the testing ground for enlightenment or spirituality, relationships. If you can survive some dysfunctional relationship dynamics, you're progressing. 

I hear ya. At the very least remember that there is no meaning to anything, other than what you create. No matter what happens, create the meaning that serves you and all others best.