Leo talked about lower and upper death drive

[Nadosa]

"There's what's called a lower death drive and an upper death drive.

The lower death drive is when the ego hates itself so much it wants to put itself out of its suffering through suicide. (Not so good)

The upper death drive is when the ego is wise enough to realize that it's an illusion, and wants to end it's suffering through surrender to truth. (Very good)."

So, this is exactly what I have been experiencing, although, and what's always been strange, is, that I have never wanted to die intentionally. It just occured over one week: this have-to-die-feeling. Since then, I've been trying to get around it, always surrendered when the suicidal feelings occured. Because I have never wanted to kill myself, I always ended up in my "higher self" which didn't prevent the suicidal feelings to occur over and over again.

Obviously this suicidal part is there for a reason, the ego wants to tell me: My son, heal me, raise your awareness and realize that I am an illusion.

I somehow feel like, there is no "constant I" in me, just some thought based "I's" that are constantly deconstructed, so I like exploring and experimenting with these suicidal feelings.

I think a rise in awareness will show me my true self because the other one is automatically revealed as illusion, isn't it?

Just need some guidance, because it is a pretty hard awakening for me. I just keep surrendering all the time, I feel like other people who didn't know about spirituality just would have already killed themselves if they'd been in my shoes, as harsh as it sounds...

Edited June 12, 2018 by Nadosa

[PsiloPutty]

As with anyone trying to learn something new, you have to pace yourself and love yourself enough to allow enough time to learn at a pace that is healthy. It's true for tangible things like learning how to build a house, or learning how to fix a motorcycle, but I think it's doubly true for learning more mystical and ethereal concepts, as they are so much more abstract and nebulous.

It's frustrating, and I'm right there with you. I seem to cycle through periods of having my foot mashed on the accelerator, and then I swing back to nervously applying the brakes for a few weeks. I think it's the nature of pursuing these things, especially pursuing them while living in our fast-paced modern culture, where gains are almost universally expected to happen quickly.