The dark side of Self-Actualization - loneliness,endless questions and frustration

[andydufrain]

Hi guys!

it's a great pleasure for me to find so many like minded people here and this is actually my very first thread on a Forum, so thx for reading and sharing your opinions!!

I am a little lost right now... 

I am 29 and currently working as a musician..i mostly make money from teaching and playing a few gigs here and there. I am able to survive without really working a lot and i have quit some time for all the self-actualization stuff (meditation, practicing etc). 

So far i gained happiness by going out, drinking, chasing girls and sex, practicing guitar, playing gigs, traveling and chasing my goals. I have to say that this way of living can be quit some fun, but in the end it always feels a little empty. 

My biggest dream was, to be a great musician and to have a lot of money, a great relationship, a nice flat etc.

As i grow mentally and spiritually, many questions come up and i am very confused on which way to go.

I feel this huge Potential inside of me, that is screaming and wanting to come on the surface, but with my lifestyle(getting wasted on the weekend) it was impossible to stay focused and to do the amount of work that i need to really achieve my goals, spiritually and personally. I also discover that all my goals so far were quit ego driven and i kind of want to let go of that ego!...

My intuition seems to guide me towards enlightenment, but i am so not ready to let go of all my dreams. As i do my work,and my consciousness is rising i feel that i am drifting away from all my friends and family. Its like there is nothing i can talk to my friends anymore, as soon as i start a conversation that is actually interesting for me, they just either don't understand or make fun of me. 

I kind of know that i probably have to change out some friends, but i really like them. i would love to support them and help them with their lives, but this ques seems impossible.

 

I stopped drinking and going out know and even though it feels like i am doing the right thing, i never felt so lonely and lost. i still have this very strong sex drive that wants to push me out and chase for girls, but deep inside i know that all this chasing is just a waste of energy which would be better invested into my spiritual progress. 

 

so what shall i do is the question.... shall i go on pursuing my Dreams and chase money, success and a great relationship, which in the end will not lead to lasting happiness anyway?

 

or shall i radically go for the enlightenment path?

 

thank you for reading

Kind regards

- Andy

 

 

 

 

 

[furashido]

@andydufrain  What your ego desires today, your heart will reject tomorrow. Follow your heart. 

Edited June 7, 2018 by furashido

[pluto]

You cannot find Light without experiencing Darkness. All you can do is Trust the process.

[YaNanNallari]

The amount of getting caught up by the negative emotions will be reduced by meditating on them. You will learn to understand them better. Sometimes the answers to your questions aren't best figured out by critical thinking. You might gain insights beyond that. With your friends you have seen beyond a bit more than they have making them unable to understand you. I recommend not arguing with them too much, as convincing them would require tremendous big picture understanding and even that might not be enough. But it's thankfully not about having to save them either, just do what seems nice and follow that.

You might be thinking a lot about how things aren't good enough, but I recommend seeing if it could be possible to think in a way which allows abundance. An abundance of possibilities, joy and whatever seems nice.

13 hours ago, andydufrain said:

I feel this huge Potential inside of me, that is screaming and wanting to come on the surface

All the unacknowledged parts of us want to be seen. As soon as you notice a part screaming, they're there.

13 hours ago, andydufrain said:

I stopped drinking and going out know and even though it feels like i am doing the right thing, i never felt so lonely and lost. i still have this very strong sex drive that wants to push me out and chase for girls, but deep inside i know that all this chasing is just a waste of energy which would be better invested into my spiritual progress. 

You don't have to be a perfectionist. This would backfire anyway. If you look into being happy "out there", you will not become very motivated. When you see it as your current experience becoming better, you will be a lot more motivated. That is why having a big dream related to what is now works best imo. Sometimes you don't know what the good things will look like but you'll figure it out by looking deeper.

Quote

"Going forward seems like retreat, the easy way seems hard, the greatest wisdom seems childish, the greatest love seems indifferent"

 

[Prabhaker]

13 hours ago, andydufrain said:

shall i go on pursuing my Dreams and chase money, success and a great relationship, which in the end will not lead to lasting happiness anyway?

You are asking this question which implies that you think that there is success in this world, there can be great relationships with others. 

You have heard that  'in the end it will not lead to lasting happiness' . 

You might have heard that path of enlightenment leads to eternal happiness. 

Journey towards enlightenment is usually very long and arduous. Those who are in search will need infinite patience.

Chasing money, girls, success is easier. 

In Indian we know everything about spirituality , meditation, prayer , mysticism, enlightenment since thousands of years but very few chose this path. Most of the people who chose this path, either drop out or become corrupted. Many famous so called saints are in prison on criminal charges like murder and rape.

One hour meditation, out of twenty four hours is enough. It will illuminate your whole life. When you realize from your own experience that there can't be any success in life and every success is a failure. Then only you can radically go for the enlightenment path.

[WaterfallMachine]

@andydufrain The spiritual path doesn't mean having to let go of what your ego wants all at once. You can simply invest short amounts into spirituality and meditation for a short time. Even 10 or 20 minutes of meditation a day can be a good start. Research has already talked about the massive benefits of 20 minutes of meditation in 2 weeks.

To go so far towards enlightenment work though, is a much much harder and longer process. And it's best to start small. Worry about self inquiry later. Go find a different meditation forum that doesn't have as many advanced concepts such as "nonduality" and "being one." Work a little with the basics of mindfulness and paying attention more to your senses.

Meditation is just mastering the basics on deeper and deeper levels, so make sure you know them well before moving on. Try the site palousemindfulness if you'd like some practices for a beginner.

Edited June 8, 2018 by WaterfallMachine