I can’t seem to move on until I know who I am

[kieranperez]

Right now my life really isn’t going anywhere. I’m 23 years old now, didn’t finish even my first semester in college, am working part time at REI which I absolutely resent, parents just got divorced and am living at home with my dad, and the thing I thought was my passion and my life’s purpose feels like it’s fading. At same point everyday I just break down because this isn’t what I thought where I’d be at 23. I don’t even want to talk to girls and date because I’m ashamed when I’m asked a question like ‘so where do you live?’ Or ‘do you live on your own? Or ‘what do you do for work?’ I’m tired of lying about my life but also the truth hurts of course. I live with someone who guilt trips me about how I should be disgusted with my incompetence to be like everybody else as well as for all the self help books I have. I have no support system and pretty much no friends I really hang out with and get virtually no hours at my already low paying job.

When my mind calms I’m just left wondering who and what I am and I feel like I can’t move forward until I get this answered. My main passion (running) that brought me all these connections (becoming friends with Olympic medalists, too world class coaches, etc.) is starting to fade and though I get some pleasure from it, it no longer consumes my main fascination or interest. When I go for walks rather than runs in solitude on the trails here in the San Francisco Bay Area, at some point or another I sit down and just do self inquiry and as I imagine a lot of us on here may relate to, I’m left with more questions than answers. 

I don’t know how or why but I just feel like this is something I need to know at this point and I can’t really go on not knowing. I’m tired of the falsehoods and stories about who I am. I can’t see myself committing myself to anything until I know this for sure. I spent 10+ years involved in something that I thought was “the thing” and now I can tell that ship is sailing and I need to let it go. 

I just want to know who I am but at the same time, I don’t know where to go from here given my life circumstances. 

Thoughts on this?

[Highest]

You are that which IS. You are the totality of existence. Be the observer, stay as the observer. The fact is that you exists, realize the immensity of that. You are Complete, self-existing. Be here now, that's all there is.

[kieranperez]

@Highest saying that is not the same as me experiencing and truly knowing that. 

[Highest]

Then start meditating, be the observer. Be here now. If that does not help, try lsd or mushrooms. They can show you amazing stuff.

[Dodo]

You are awareness, now move on.

To experience and trully know you are awareness, you must simply be aware.

Edited June 7, 2018 by Dodo

[luckieluuke]

When you meet someone, start with simply telling the truth about yourself and see what happens. You might view the conversation as a playground. Don´t take yourself too seriously. You are at a point in life when you have little to loose which means you have more opportunity than you think. Just start doing stuff and see where it leads you. Don´t overthink or analyze and you will feel if you are on the right way. Skip the selfhelping books, they all just boil down to start doing stuff, so start doing.
But if you need some inspiration:  i´ve listened some to Jordan Petersson bible lectures (not religious) and it has helped me take action, embrace change and responisbility in my life like I didn´t do before. Just a tip.
And don´t worry. If you don´t feel like running take a break, the skills you learned will transfer to whatever you choose to do next.
In the future you will look back to the one you are now with a smile on your face.
I sincerely wish you will find your path  
 

[Viking]

try psychedelics.

my guess is that they will show you how you're lying to yourself about needing to know yourself and will show you what the real problem is.

[NoSelfSelf]

Its basically what i experience i couldnt do anything going for a job or girl or something because you feel bad inside why would you go for something if you feel awful inside fix that first find yourself and what you want to do thats all this forum and actualized.org  what i found is when you are experiencing those bad things you unconciously think i wont and i dont know how to get out, thats bs more you become concious about yourself and world you will now whats for you and whats not...

[RendHeaven]

I want to be your friend after reading this

[Sunderland]

I lived in san francisco until I decided to move abroad. San Francisco is a big city, it's not so difficult to find friends. Although I did not have much, I do not get along well with people. Maybe it's because of my paranoia. But it does not matter. Now I live a different life and the only thing I miss is organic almond milk What a pity that they can only be ordered on San Francisco's area, and I just can not find an alternative