Are my thoughts driving away my relationship?

[beatlemantis]

I brought up a lot of grievances and questions I was having about my current relationship with my long-term boyfriend, and now I can’t stop worrying about how that is affecting our relationship standing. After bringing up these thoughts and worries, my boyfriend accepted them and explained his standing. After, however, he started crying and stated that he “couldn’t see me” sometimes and that I’ve been “weird” ever since I’ve gotten back from my trip home to see family. 

I know why he’s saying this.. I have been bringing up a lot of issues ever since that trip because it allowed me time to reflect on our relationship. It also made me realize how spending so much time building my life with him is deteriorating my family relationships. 

I’m just lost and sick with worry. I worry that I’m becoming unattractive or unlike my old self when I’m with him now. I worry that, perhaps this relationship has run its course - or maybe I’m too young or scared to develop and understand a truly good thing. It just feels like he’s so annoyed with me now, which I have broughten up and he has truthfully declined. We still cuddle at night, and he’s genuinely shocked when I ask him if he’s feeling annoyed/unloving towards me. But I can’t help but feel that he’s not as in love with me as he once was. 

I want to make this work, and he has stated the same. He doesn’t bring up any greivances, unless I’ve been doing that too much. I believe my psyche’s beliefs about the relationship is making me dread with worry about if he’s falling out of love with me. I believe this is going to make it come to fruition if I don’t stop it now.

Any advice about this or thoughts? Is this all in my head? 

Edited June 6, 2018 by beatlemantis

[zoey101]

@beatlemantis How "young" are you?

Relationships can be really scary. Especially when we allow our mind to run crazy with insecurities and doubt. There is a possibility that "this is all in your mind", but there could be something wrong. You are truly the only one who will be able to discover the answer, because you know every detail there is to know about the relationship. 

From what I am reading, it sounds to me like you two do care each other, but maybe you are scared of how serious things have been getting. Maybe you need to explain to your boyfriend that the "you" you talk about when you ask him "are you annoyed/falling out of love with me?" Is genuinely a different person from when you first met, and you are worried that the new you may not be what he wants. It's a scary thing to try and deal with, I know, but we have to put ourselves out there to find out what our path is and if we are following it, or just standing still for fear of the outcome.

I hope you are able to discover the answer! We are here for you until then

[denydritz]

Hi @beatlemantis. It seems that your partner does love you and is willing to make it work. These two pieces of information are the most important and most relevant to your situation right now (from my point of view). If he does love you, and you do love him, then you can make it work.

What I catch from your description is that your anxiety or worry may be a 'self-fulfilling prophecy'. You worry too much, and then start to doubt yourself and start to doubt his feelings, and it eventually does make him annoyed and bothered why you keep questioning his feelings, and the relationship begins to stretch under the stress.

It would be a different condition if the problem was external (such as a disapproving family or other). But since the problem seems to come from internal factors (your thoughts and feelings), then I absolutely believe there is nothing standing in the way of your happiness with him except yourself.

If you feel that you're becoming unattractive, then it seems you need to build your self love. It's difficult to allow someone to love you when you have a hard time loving yourself. Building a self love is a deep process and maybe your recent trip home has triggered some memories that make you feel not worthy of being loved?

Cheers,

[beatlemantis]

@denydritz It's hard to know what the answer is until you read it, but you've got this pretty spot on.

I am definitely getting in the way of this relationship... all my ideals, expectations, and should-be's are ruining a potentially great thing. He has such a gentle heart, and I don't want to step on it.

The trip back home really brought up some old insecurities, it wasn't a fun one at all. I think I project that onto him, and get even more self-conscious and worrying.

If there's any books or videos you recommend for me... please send it my way - about to watch Leo's video on worrying because he's my go-to. Thank you so much for giving me another perspective on this, I deeply appreciate it. Have a good one!

[beatlemantis]

@zoey101 I'm 19, he's about to turn 23...a bit young, though I have to say the only immature part of me against him is some emotional development (my worry/stress issues are still pretty prevailing).

Thank you so much for your response. There very well could be something wrong in the relationship, but in all honesty, he's accepting everything I've asked him to change (more affection, more conversations, etc.) without question. He very much is willing to work it out and I'm glad that you could see that, too. 

The changes are scary, especially because we just moved in together. But I just want us to have fun - my insecurities and needless doubting are getting in the way of that for sure. I just need to find out a way to ride the wave of the relationship in an accepting, compassionate way without getting my craziness all over it. 

Thank you again! I have some more things to think about.

 

 

[zoey101]

4 minutes ago, beatlemantis said:

@zoey101 The changes are scary, especially because we just moved in together.

This could be the issue here lol

You don't truly know someone till you live with them. You are discovering things about him that were usually kept behind closed doors, and the same for him in you. How long have you been living together exactly?

You may just need time to adjust to each others living habits. Also, I think it is totally natural for you to worry  No one wants to feel like they have wasted their own or someone else's time, especially in long-term relationships. 

I think the most important thing for you and your boyfriend to do right now is just be totally open and honest with each other about your concerns and don't discredit each other, even if the concerns seem completely out of left field. You both are still learning how to be together and how to love each other. It's a never ending lesson because we all change and evolve over time, so we need to allow our love to do the same

Try to take some pressure off of yourself and enjoy your journey of rediscovering each other