Am I alone? Enlightenment experience led to Solipsism, and it made me Depressed

[Betterself]

(Summary and question in bold text below.) A couple of moths ago while meditating (sober) I had an enlightenment experience of noticing that everything is consciousness, and that subject and object are the same. During the experience it was exciting, but I also realized that this led to the conclusion that the only thing that currently exists is my current experience, hence that I am the only one who is "conscious", and that no one else is currently experiencing reality. This is the main idea of solipsism as I understand it. Everyone else would be like a robot, excising only for, and in, my experience. Even though I believe in determinism and that I too am like a robot it that fashion, this still really scared me.

The solipsistic world view made me pretty depressed the following month, the idea of being alone is very sad to me. I finally snapped out of it a couple of weeks ago when I realized a couple of reasons of why solipsism does not make sense, mainly that other people also claim to currently be experiencing reality, just like I do. Since then I've been feeling a whole lot better and not alone!

This does leave me afraid however, does all of this spiritual work lead to Solipsism which brought me so much suffering? I am now afraid to explore consciousness while meditating, and I'm also afraid to do a psychedelic trip I've been looking forward to. In Leo's second blog from his 30 day meditation retreat, he as I understood it basically explained solipsism to be true, that my current experience is the only thing that exists: "This present moment that is happening right now is literally all there is"(https://www.actualized.org/insights/may-2018-solo-retreat-part-2 28:45). However, in his most recent Youtube video about consciousness which was recorded after that blog, he instead said that reality could be explained as a house, with different rooms that are multiple experiences of the world being experienced simultaneously. Even though we are at some level all the same house, we at another level exist and experience the world individually and simultaneously together. This thought I am okay with, It means that my experience is not in that way "alone", but that there is right now also all of your's experiences taking place right now as well. Did I understand Leo correctly?

I would love to get some more knowledge of whether my experience is the only thing that currently exists or not. The thought of my experience being the only thing that currently exists, and me again coming to that realization, makes me not want to do any more spiritual work since I think it will make me unhappy.

Thank you all

[Principium Nexus]

Man I've been there too, the solipsistic view/experience, the more time passes the more you understand that you don't know anything and will never know for sure. Solipsism can be experienced as very real when you change you perspective but there are so many things outside of you what you don't know and can make you wonder or fall in awe that it also challenges the idea strongly.

The thinking trap, it's so common, falling for a paradigm you so strongly believe in while it hurts you more than you gain.. In the end you want to just feel; the wind, sun, touch and experience what alive means. All the thought of how things can or could be melt away and you are left with the now, blissful and without too much clinging.

You really want to get out of your head, by sporting, doing activities, being in the momevement or in contact with people. It will help and feel rewarding

[Nahm]

@Betterself We’re together in that we’re alone. It’s kinda perfect really. Identity is at play here. A person experiences loneliness, the nondual state is not a person, nor lonely. Fear of Truth is not true. Keep on your path, it only gets better. 

[Colin]

 

[AlwaysBeNice]

During genuine non-dual (glimpses) you won't feel sad or alone.

The reason you feel alone here, is because you don't feel the connection to the non-dual state, it has nothing to do with other people, but it's an effect of still being apparently grabbed by the conditioned body-mind, which has often has delusion-neurosis-fear and other emotional, creative, sexual suppression in it usually.

If you'd truly know that you are alone as the pure being, that will also erase the suffering of the body-mind, because it's fears are based on the idea of Others and Death.

So the solution is to just keep going, don't go along with any mental drama stories, and see it for yourself.

[Nahm]

@AlwaysBeNice Well said. 

[Betterself]

@AlwaysBeNice Yes that makes sense, to just embrace it. What I am afraid of is that I am either going down the entirely wrong path, or that the spiritual path is just wrong for me personally, and that I will not be able to dig myself out if I go too deep and then realize it is not for me. I'm young enough that my brain is not fully developed, and feel that I should be a bit careful with these things. Would you disencourage me me from doing a psychedelic now as my ego then might again fight back? I have done a psychedelics before however which went fine. I am grateful for all of you people's advice 

[Betterself]

@Principium Nexus Would that not in a sense be distracting myself from it though? Or do you suggest fully embracing it, but simultaneously reminding myself of what does not make me feel lonely by doing what you suggest? Is that how you got yourself out of it?

[Leo Gura]

@Betterself Yes, you are alone. As God.

Nonduality means there cannot be any "other" who is not you. The deepest levels of nonduality can make you start to feel lonely, as you realize that you created this entire dream all by yourself and the illusion of "otherness" gets shattered. It can feel very solipsistic, but also, as the mind adjusts to your new understanding, the loneliness should dissipate.

I do not exist. You created this forum to entertain yourself. And here you are reading all these posts that you yourself wrote to yourself. Seeking advice from "others" who are really just yourself.

Try to see the beauty of that.

Aloneness and connection are ONE. You can look at it like the glass is half empty, or the glass is half full. By being everyone, you are infinitely connected to everyone.

You still haven't surrendered fully to nonduality. Yes, it's very radical and scary to surrender fully to it. The truth is radical beyond words. Your fear of being totally alone is precisely what you must explore and ultimately surrender. The ego-mind hates it of course and will be resistant, trying to anchor itself into something, anything to avoid Absolute Nothingness and Total ONENESS.

[Malelekakis]

3 minutes ago, Betterself said:

@AlwaysBeNice Yes that makes sense, to just embrace it. What I am afraid of is that I am either going down the entirely wrong path, or that the spiritual path is just wrong for me personally, and that I will not be able to dig myself out if I go too deep and then realize it is not for me. I'm young enough that my brain is not fully developed, and feel that I should be a bit careful with these things. Would you disencourage me me from doing a psychedelic now as my ego then might again fight back? I have done a psychedelics before however which went fine. I am grateful for all of you people's advice 

I have been there. Just remember that you are it, you are one with God, yourself.you can't be afraid of yourself. Always remember to love yourself. 

[sarapr]

10 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

@Betterself Yes, you are alone. As God.

Nonduality means there cannot be any "other" who is not you. The deepest levels of nonduality can make you start to feel lonely, as you realize that you created this entire dream all by yourself and the illusion of "otherness" gets shattered.  

That's so familiar . in Islam it's called tohid and it's the most foundational principal and everything else is built on that . 

[Leo Gura]

@sarapr Correct: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tawhid

[Betterself]

@sarapr Wow that really is interesting!

[Betterself]

@Leo Gura Thank you for that, I think what I should do is to work on having a proper ego death. Separating ego and my consciousness, hence also realizing that there are other egos even though there are not other consciousnesses, since they can be separate. More meditation, your guide to a no self experience and a psychedelic this summer should do the trick  

[Arkandeus]

the only truth is in feeling good

if something makes you feel bad, worse then before it is automatically a false perspective

you have a truth detector right inside your heart, in the self love you have for yourself

its that simple, the truth feels good, really good

 

Edited June 6, 2018 by Arkandeus

[Betterself]

What I do not understand is why other people just like me says that they are conscious. Why would god/trueSelf create a world where everyone lies about that? That doesn’t make sense. 

Is it maybe that when I don’t understand what consciousness is, since I haven’t separated it from my ego? When I and others say that were conscious, is it then maybe actually our egos that are saying that they are something that is actuallly not equal to true consciousness? I’m confused

[AlwaysBeNice]

1 hour ago, Betterself said:

@AlwaysBeNice Yes that makes sense, to just embrace it. What I am afraid of is that I am either going down the entirely wrong path, or that the spiritual path is just wrong for me personally, and that I will not be able to dig myself out if I go too deep and then realize it is not for me. I'm young enough that my brain is not fully developed, and feel that I should be a bit careful with these things. Would you disencourage me me from doing a psychedelic now as my ego then might again fight back? I have done a psychedelics before however which went fine. I am grateful for all of you people's advice 

I can't recommend anything to you personally because I don't know, but you can always pray and you will receive something, just remember that there's no sense of need related to it, that you are always also the final authority (and the sender of what ever is send), and that nothing is static.

..

Psychedelics are always tricky, but ultimately safe, but possibly destabilizing, which the path already is..

So it will be a boost, but why not first just actually ride a little bit, be serious about that, see what that does, and if you are settled a little bit in the stillness, that will also make trips easier to handle.

Meditating on weed can be great at all stages though I think.

Also, 'meditation, looking at a guide, and doing a psychedelic this summer, that should do it', no, it very likely will not, this process tends to take years in almost all cases, and for the better, which is also totally fine because it's absolutely not boring.

[OBEler]

1 hour ago, Leo Gura said:

You still haven't surrendered fully to nonduality. Yes, it's very radical and scary to surrender fully to it. The truth is radical beyond words. Your fear of being totally alone is precisely what you must explore and ultimately surrender. The ego-mind hates it of course and will be resistant, trying to anchor itself into something, anything to avoid Absolute Nothingness and Total ONENESS.

Was there a time where you also went trough this phase (or should I better say "dark night of the soul")? I am also like @Betterself in this sometimes depressing state. I even considered to quit enlightment after the discovery on a trip, that everything is dead, life is just a dream and I am the only one. But I could not surrender, I was identified with my ego the whole trip. Hardest part in my life to handle the truth with an intact ego.

Now I am back on the path, somehow my mind adapted to this new perspective as you said. Still  depressing when I think about this stuff. I hate this truth. Most people on this forum see the beauty in it, enlightened beings can joke about it and are blissful. Still I dont know if it will be worth for me to go after an ego death experience. Will there be an even worse dark night of the soul waiting for me?

[AlwaysBeNice]

1 hour ago, Leo Gura said:

@Betterself Yes, you are alone. As God.

Nonduality means there cannot be any "other" who is not you. The deepest levels of nonduality can make you start to feel lonely, as you realize that you created this entire dream all by yourself and the illusion of "otherness" gets shattered. It can feel very solipsistic, but also, as the mind adjusts to your new understanding, the loneliness should dissipate.

A non-dual experience, of total absorption with your whole mind, is empty of that I that can feel lonely, it's peace it self.

If the mind is not integrated in it, it can produce those feelings from fear, but that is mind-feeling arising, not Truth.

[One Maranatha]

@Betterself You are in a midway crisis. I sense a lot of suffering and fear in your worlds. It's okay, the process of becoming One and returning home can be painful; but you have to let go and go as deep into the experience as you can; there will be fear of going crazy, fear of death and fear of the unknown; but once you get there everything will be sweet and almost magical. You'll be experiencing the outstanding miracle of living; you'll reach union with God, where there's no place for "you" but instead there is a place for everything;

Every color, every form, every human, every creature will become the divine saying "hi"! And you will still be able to use the character you have constructed; but from a perspective of true freedom where everything that crosses your visual, olfactory, auditory, gustatory, tactile and mental field of awareness will be impregnated with the One, with Unity, with Love, with God.