becoming conscious of utter meaninglessness

[Viking]

while watching leo's part 2 of his retreat, he mentioned the absolute nonduality/singularity experience, and suddenly it clicked for me, i became conscious that everything is utterly meaningless. this is different from knowing intellectually that everything is meaningless, which i knew so far. I felt fear engulfing me a little, my heart beating, a lot of stuff from my life situation came to mind and i realized its utterly meaningless. I felt like I was losing control a little, but i surrendered to all the fear, let it go and it kinda passed.

it was a fun experience in retrospect (i actually enjoyed the fear a little, masochistically lol, made me feel alive) and a bit of an insightful one, because I saw another example of the difference between knowing something intellectually and really getting it.

I feel like maybe the effects of the kriya yoga are coming into play. ive been doing it for 2 months now, and sometimes I feel like everything is very still, and I feel kind of soft and flowing sensations in the back of my head that come with that stillness. I have an intuition that it makes me become more aware of my thoughts, emotions and feelings, and is making me able to "manipulate" consciousness in a subtle way (dunno how to explain it). I think that contributed to that realization.

[who chit]

2 hours ago, Viking said:

I feel like maybe the effects of the kriya yoga are coming into play. ive been doing it for 2 months now, and sometimes I feel like everything is very still, and I feel kind of soft and flowing sensations in the back of my head that come with that stillness.

Very nice. This is Kriya's primary benefit, stilling the mind.

 

2 hours ago, Viking said:

I have an intuition that it makes me become more aware of my thoughts, emotions and feelings, and is making me able to "manipulate" consciousness in a subtle way (dunno how to explain it). I think that contributed to that realization.

With ever increasing stilling of the mind, comes a space or gap between awareness (witness),and the objects (thoughts,emotions,feelings etc.) arising/appearing,in/to it. In that space,there is more receptivity, and clearer perception to grasp the deeper meaning behind the words.

With time and ever deepening into stillness,there will also be the capacity to connect to the higher dimension of intelligence (akasha) responsible for getting spontaneous deep intuitive insights, realizations, and "wisdom knowledge". Continue with the kriya, and these "side" benefits will continue to grow.

Edited June 4, 2018 by who chit

[Viking]

6 hours ago, who chit said:

In that space,there is more receptivity, and clearer perception to grasp the deeper meaning behind the words.

that is kinda what it feels like, thank you for your answer 

[phoenix666]

wonderful, dear @Viking ! I'm excited for you. sounds like a nice insight. it's beautiful to read that the realization of meaninglessness can be so positive as well (it has been for me too, at times) lately it tends to draw me into existential crisis/slight depression. 

thanks for sharing <3

[who chit]

Ime, it took a while, close to 7 months to get through the meaninglessness. It was a depressing time for sure. Eventually, for me, it naturally turned into, the freedom to be,do whatever. More significant, imo, is the freedom to just enjoy being. Doing, not doing will take care of itself.
If wanted, one can make up an entirely new BS meaning. At least now you know it's complete BS. Before there was no choice, It was just assumed, and deeply believed it had meaning.

There's really no need to create a new meaning though. Life is fuller, more vibrant, free'er and much more enjoyable without placing conditions upon it. No need to put on a personal façade or be anything special. Just relax and enjoy the mysterious miracle.