Anxiety In Social Settings And Desire For A Certain Self-image

[adrian284]

I watched Leo's video How To Stop Caring What People Think Of You about two months ago (and a few times since then) and have been trying to be more mindful of people-pleasing behaviour in myself. I've recently started thinking that maybe the focus of the video is for people who display a great deal of the people pleasing behaviour and maybe I'm actually nearly OK in that regard.

I know that I have my own ground rules, opinions and beliefs (philosophical, political, taste-wise, etc.) in life and am very insistent on them while being open to other points of view, so I'm not a person who tries to find satisfaction and meaning in other people's approval. But, when I'm in a small to large group of people (e.g. small party), or at random times even in a daily situation like at a mall I do see myself in other people's eye and feel self-conscious about my posture, the way I stand, so on. I think this is more problematic when I'm tired and do not have the energy to be self-conscious about the way I act. 

I have been recently being convinced that it is actually for my own desire to look a certain way outwardly (for example an image that I have of a 'cool', strong and at the same time down to earth man) that I really don't want to give up on and want to 'fake it until I make it'. So maybe it's not that I care what people think to an unhealthy degree, but that I really want (for my own satisfaction) to fit a certain image that I admire when I'm in public. After all, can't a person have a cool hairstyle or dress up just because it makes him feel good?

I should mention, I have been liking my outward image more and more throughout the years (by becoming that image little by little), but still there are anxieties anxieties related to that from time to time. I want to know if even this is a right approach to social life.

1) Don't most people put up a persona (e.g. smiling a certain way or being more self-conscious about how they act, etc.) when they are in the presence of total strangers as well as people who they are not close with?

2) Is that a losing game? Should I stop trying?

I would really like some suggestions and other points of view on this. 

Thanks 

Edited March 12, 2016 by adrian2

[Guest]

@adrian284 This is just my opinion, but I think this is a healthy view to social life. Without games society wouldn't work. But do I think it's a healthy approach to deep relationships? No, because nobody would want to be with somebody who can't reveal themselves. Depending on the context these games can be helpful, but of they are all you got then you might have an issue.

[Anna]

This video is a good starting point for you. I guess you still have a healthy view on this theme, but don't worry too much about your appearance. If YOU want to change it, because YOU believe it will look better then, do so. Never change, because society gives a certain image. What YOU think about YOURSELF is important. Accept yourself, love yourself & finally be youself.

[Kelley White]

On 3/11/2016 at 0:52 PM, adrian284 said:

I know that I have my own ground rules, opinions and beliefs (philosophical, political, taste-wise, etc.) in life and am very insistent on them while being open to other points of view, so I'm not a person who tries to find satisfaction and meaning in other people's approval. But, when I'm in a small to large group of people (e.g. small party), or at random times even in a daily situation like at a mall I do see myself in other people's eye and feel self-conscious about my posture, the way I stand, so on. I think this is more problematic when I'm tired and do not have the energy to be self-conscious about the way I act. 

@adrian284, thank you I'm really glad you  brought this up.  Thank you for sharing.  What seems to trigger these feelings and thoughts into your awareness?

On 3/11/2016 at 0:52 PM, adrian284 said:

I have been recently being convinced that it is actually for my own desire to look a certain way outwardly (for example an image that I have of a 'cool', strong and at the same time down to earth man) that I really don't want to give up on and want to 'fake it until I make it'. So maybe it's not that I care what people think to an unhealthy degree, but that I really want (for my own satisfaction) to fit a certain image that I admire when I'm in public. After all, can't a person have a cool hairstyle or dress up just because it makes him feel good?

I personally suspect it is healthy to take a certain degree of interest in self care. 

On 3/11/2016 at 0:52 PM, adrian284 said:

1) Don't most people put up a persona (e.g. smiling a certain way or being more self-conscious about how they act, etc.) when they are in the presence of total strangers as well as people who they are not close with?

I've been asking many people this of late and you know what I'm hearing from the people I'm asking?  Yes.  We all create a persona and we all have insecurities and are self conscious and I frequently hear from people that when they are in public they are faking it until they can feel comfortable in their own skin. They usually follow that observation up with how very few people actually are willing to admit it. 

On 3/11/2016 at 0:52 PM, adrian284 said:

2) Is that a losing game? Should I stop trying?

I don't know what your desired outcome is?  Are you looking for self acceptance?  The right to create your own sense of style?  Now we could get all "there is no try only do..." 

When you have these hyper aware moments in public what do you find works to redirect your focus?  What works and what doesn't work for you in those moments?

Is there "a should?"   

[adrian284]

@Nomad @Anna Thank you for your input on this. I also think that playing games like these is a requirement for a person in a large society, because how else can someone present himself to many people who he/she comes in contact with on a day to day basis? It's a way of communication. Once in a while, deep relationships can be formed because of presenting oneself well that pave the path for further interaction and forming personal connections.

On 3/25/2016 at 4:09 PM, Kelley White said:

@adrian284, thank you I'm really glad you  brought this up.  Thank you for sharing.  What seems to trigger these feelings and thoughts into your awareness?

Thanks for your reply Kelley. I think just being in a social situation where I see people who carry themselves well triggers it. 

On 3/25/2016 at 4:09 PM, Kelley White said:

I've been asking many people this of late and you know what I'm hearing from the people I'm asking?  Yes.  We all create a persona and we all have insecurities and are self conscious and I frequently hear from people that when they are in public they are faking it until they can feel comfortable in their own skin. They usually follow that observation up with how very few people actually are willing to admit it. 

Definitely. Everyone does feel self-conscious when they are in some social situations and that is normal. In those situations, the relaxed subconscious persona becomes conscious thoughts. So they fake it until they become comfortable. Also, people don’t like to talk about it because those situations are not pleasant (everyone has some fear of them going very wrong) and can cause anxiety just thinking about them. And I think it is healthy not to think too much about anxiety-prone situations, but I cannot sweep it under the rug now that I have noticed it for such a long time 

On 3/25/2016 at 4:09 PM, Kelley White said:

I don't know what your desired outcome is?  Are you looking for self acceptance?  The right to create your own sense of style?  Now we could get all "there is no try only do..." 

I think I just want to be comfortable with my persona and not second-guess myself in social situations and become anxious.

I have been bringing my attention to my body sensations to become present in the moment and reduce anxiety-creating thoughts, and it works if I can concentrate enough at the moment (I'm still learning to do it well). But I think the first step is to come to terms with my persona, understand it and accept it. Any thoughts on that?

Edited March 28, 2016 by adrian284

[Guest SCM]

Of course you could act. Event taking acting classes could help. But I recommend watching Leo's videos. He talks a lot about the way humans tick. I'm not referring to the behavioral process but consider who/what humans are. What are we? Can we be objective? Can a stranger have an objective opinion about you? No. His/her hard drive is filled with experiences and knowledge completely subjective, manipulated by parents, friends, teachers etc. Don't give that stranger control of your feelings, someone you don't know.