nothing is really interesting and maslow's hierarchy

[Viking]

im feeling now like nothing is really interesting. when i look back at my life i always tried to force interest. When i've seen something that had a potential of being interesting, i acted as though it was interesting and in my mind i was telling myself it's interesting, but i was never really in awe, never, as far as i can remember. i dont really care and didnt really care about anything deeply and consciously.

For example when i heared of quantum mechanics for the first time, i thought it was interesting, but i didnt have that "holy shit" experience. I might have said to myself "holy shit", but that didnt feel honest, i didnt actually get mindfucked.

fuck, even when i took lsd for the first time i wasnt impressed too much, i would imagine that for most other people it would be mind-blowing, but i took it as indeed interesting, but not something mindfucking/mindblowing.

Im connecting that to the concept of maslow's hierarchy of needs, and i notice that as far as ive got in the hierarchy is the safety part. i dont experience any love nor self respect what so ever. i do have sometimes deep compassion for people but it's not it.

maybe because of that, nothing is really interesting?

I notice love, sexuality and the concept of orgasmic spiritual experiences (i didnt have any) is what's really in my desires, and less the high consciousness stuff.

I've become conscious enough to the point where i can tell somewhat subtle subconscious reactions of my body and mind to daily situations. for example my subconscious craves for sex and intimacy a lot, like constantly checking girls out and having unconscious sexual fantasies that i become aware of usually in retrospect. it makes my mind criticize myself a lot, i notice the self deprecating thoughts and jealousies very well. sometimes the sexual cravings become too much and the masturbation comes on to the conscious mind and i think consciously i have to masturbate, although that's because i dont really know what to do with that and i dont want to suffer repressing it.

what i plan to do about it is to work on my self esteem in the near future, after i finish reading the sedona method. i cant do anything about the sexuality and love part because i dont have the self esteem for it, and i dont know how to approach it, maybe because of my ego, saying "i dont want love, who needs that, i can do fine by myself", while the subconscious tells other stories.

my question is. is that logical or am i deceiving myself somewhere here? is the plan alright? and a big problem i face is that i have little motivation for my studies, because of what i mentioned earlier, and because im in the middle of the life purpose course. i feel like i have to get my basic needs in order, then the studies will theoretically interest me, but i barely have time to get them in order because i study, is there something i can do to have motivation?

[Nahm]

I think you’re pinning low & high consciousness to activities, instead of your own state, then beating up on yourself if you’re not doing those “high consciousness” activities. 

[Spinoza]

It's a  good thing that you care if you are genuinely amazed by something or just following the crowd

Don't blame yourself, change is very hard since you spent many years reinforcing the bad habit/thoughts, remember your thoughts are not yours (this is so important), try even doing small steps to stop the bad habits, if you comeback no problem just don't stop working on yourself

If you think not having sexual relation is pushing you back, then try your best to get have sex (safely) and see if that changes something, i don't think it's necessary but it's an illusion (and this illusion can seems so real, when you see things not going as you wish, you will think that is the "sex" which is lacking)

Remember if you care about your studies or something (it will require a lot of effort from you, you can't have it easily) me too i struggle with motivation to do the important thing. be aware if you really need it, you need to pay the price for it. Forget about everything, ask your "self" if you really want it ? and why you want it, what will happen if you won't have what you want, or if you will have what you want.

To really improve your self in the materialistic world, you really to make a lot of effort, or just be conscious that all those thing are pointless, just to feed our blind ego.

 

[ThinAir]

On that self esteem part: Read "the 6 pillars of self esteem" by Nathaniel Brandon if you havent jet

[Viking]

2 hours ago, ThinAir said:

On that self esteem part: Read "the 6 pillars of self esteem" by Nathaniel Brandon if you havent jet

that's what ive been planning