Is it really my fault...?

[zoey101]

So much has been happening in such a short period of time... Just one thing after another... But I think I got so caught up in my own problems... I failed a friend... Really failed...

A few weeks ago, when my husband smacked me and split my lip open, one of my friends told me he was in love with me and wanted me to leave my husband... I told him that I couldn't do that... That I loved my husband and wanted to help him... I didn't think too far into it because of everything that was happening...

After my accident he came and saw me at the hospital once but didn't really say anything because my husband and daughter were there..  he had been acting a little weird since then... but I just brushed it off... last night I got a weird text from him..

"I love you so much, I'm sorry I couldn't save you and make you happy" 

It didn't make any sense... "Save me" from what?!?

I tried to call him but I got no answer.. I felt like I didn't have time to stress about that because of my own issues already going on.. so I just wrote it off as possibly a drunk text or something...

So his mother called me a few hours ago... and she told me that he killed himself last night.... he ODed on pills.... He's just gone... I can't believe it... I saw him a few days ago... He texted me last night... But he's gone... 

We just got back from his house... it felt so unreal... His mother was crying... I felt like I couldn't breathe... His dad read the text message out loud... He said it was the last thing he sent out...

Is this all my fault...? Did he kill himself because of me...? 

My husband was upset about the text... He asked me if this was the first time he said that to me... And I lied and told him yes... I was scared it would start a fight... I feel like I can't react to this.... If I do, my husband will think I felt the same way... But it hurts... he was one of my closest friends... But I messed everything up...

I got so wrapped up in myself... I didn't even see he was suffering... He was my friend.. and I couldn't even see it... This isn't right... What if it is my fault..? What can I do..? I don't know how I can possibly fix this... 

This feels like too much... I don't know how to make this right...

[pluto]

I am sorry you had to go through this love, but in all honesty, Its not your fault, so please don't cause any more suffering on yourself than already has, as of right now that is the last thing your friend wants. He seemed to have his own demons to deal with and that was his way of choice to deal with them. I don't believe this had much to do with you at all because if it did, it most probably wouldn't of happened the way it did. I know it seems paradoxical but that's just how things seem to be in this universe.

I had similar situations in my younger days, and recently a friend lost her father in a similar situation which i have been helping for some time now and all you have to understand right now is that All is forgiven and All is well and its no longer in the present. He now is with his higher-self(so to speak) and has the enlightened perspective(The perspective and beingness we all try so hard to reach or maintain) to make sense of all his life till that point and that he is completely free from any possible suffering as of right now.

Sometimes souls come for short periods only to learn and experience something needed in a particulate body/lifestyle then they have to go and live another life to learn something else because the current life no longer has the possibility for the next lesson. Suicide is extremely tricky but i don't believe it can be done unless both the soul and the higher self agree and in that case we couldn't of done anything about it even if we tried.

Souls come and go, but their energy is eternal. All you can do now is appreciate, be grateful and trust the process of life for a greater divine plan that's in order as hard as it seems. Its really the only way to make peace with it and go by it to avoid further suffering for yourself and others.

If you need anything feel free to PM me, i will do my best to share my wisdom.

 

[Solace]

You can’t make yourself responsible for another persons choices. We are benevolent like that, but that will just cause you to suffer, and you don’t deserve it at all  You deserve more love, appreciation, respect and compassion no matter the circumstances at hand. 

Spend some time in meditation with the one in your heart that feels responsible for your friends death, and give it a hug, and let yourself feel it. 

[Nahm]

@zoey101 Of course it’s not your fault. I’m so sorry to hear this news. It was his decision. Be careful with thinking it was your fault in any way, it was not. Let yourself grieve as much and as naturally as you want and need to. If someone doesn’t understand or has an issue, you can’t be thinking that’s your problem. You have had so much going on, you need to be able to just be you and let whatever needs to process, process. So sorry again Zoey. Praying for you. 

[egoeimai]

omg I can't believe this dude we were talking bout did that. Oh I mean I could never think of that. Can't believe it. Anyways,we all had a shock. 

Now,think about it. Why that be your fault? You didn't kill him,he killed himself,girl be very very careful,you are about to put some huge guilt on your shoulders. This is going to slowly destroy you. Dont choose to do that,ever. See things clearly,as much as possible. Its not your fault,the guy probably had problems. It seems that this rejection from "you" was the cause,but that's shit explanation. In order to kill yourself for such cause of a love failure underlies so many problems . it's not your fault keep that in mind never forget.

Dont think about your husband's shitty ego for a while,grieve for the loss of the guy and let go. (Don't let your husband make you believe stuff about you) 

My deep condolences

Msg me whenever u want. I'll be here for you.

[RichardY]

I don't think the focus should be on fault finding. If you feel guilt explore that feeling, don't try to suppress or ignore it, either through rationalising it or through other means. There's a price you pay for not feeling guilt.

In my opinion your focus should be on what is best for your daughter. Build with what you have.

I'm going to guess that the people who are attracted to you have needs. But like all needs there is a cost. Your husbands addiction to Methamphetamine I believe leads to a long term reduction of dopamine receptive cells in the brain, which in turn leads to an eventual decrease in motivation, requiring a constant dose to stay motivated for life. In contrast to say something like Heroin or Morphene(Morpheus; Greek God of dreams) that suppresses or suspends the conscious mind.

There might be ways of dealing with motivation, but I think it would require a person to be straight with their needs. Reminds me of the Stephen King movie "Needful Things", King was also an addict. (Interesting that the word addict(addictus) means debt slave in Latin, heard that from listening to a psychology book on addiction "In the Realm of hungry ghosts"). An alternative to being straight with needs, would be to look for ways that the dopamine system could perhaps better balance itself out.   

 

[Amer]

So sorry your going through this dear. It is absolutely not your fault what he has done to himself. 

[zoey101]

@egoeimai yes it was the same guy...

I tried to not think too much about it last night... But how could I not..? 

My husband kept asking me about it.. I kept trying to tell him that there was nothing between us.. and he didn't believe me... So we got into a fight last night... He stormed off to his friend's house.... 

He won't answer my calls or texts... Last thing he said was "you can call me when you're ready to tell me the truth"

I don't know what else to say to him... There was nothing... He was a friend that I knew since high school... He was a good friend... That's it...

My mom is keeping my daughter for a few nights... I just don't feel good right now... 

I know I didn't kill him... But I didn't help him... He was acting weird the past week... But I just focused on myself.... 

[SFRL]

Your whole social circle seems to exist of people who do drugs, drink, are broke, homeless, depressed, etc. 

There is a saying that your life will reflect the average of the 5 people you hang out with the most.

I think you should seriously start distancing yourself of most people you have known and start hanging out with new people and new social circles.

[zoey101]

23 minutes ago, SFRL said:

Your whole social circle seems to exist of people who do drugs, drink, are broke, homeless, depressed, etc. 

There is a saying that your life will reflect the average of the 5 people you hang out with the most.

I think you should seriously start distancing yourself of most people you have known and start hanging out with new people and new social circles.

He never acted suicidal... And things with my husband were getting better until this happened... 

 

[egoeimai]

Zoey I'm sorry about the fact that your husband is not supportive at all.

Its sad.

Its stressful,its hard.

Find time for yourself,now you have only yourself and you need your support. You can do this ! 

You are strong ! 

[zoey101]

@egoeimai yeah... I've just been lying in bed... I don't really want to move right now... 

My friend's mom called me and asked to come over and talk to me... I don't know what I could possibly say to her... 

@John Lula his parents found him ODed on pills... What else could it have been..?

[zoey101]

@John Lula yeah... 

He didn't say anything to me anyways... it feels completely out of the blue...

[Ether]

@zoey101 Your husband does coke AND doesnt support you. Have you thought about a divorce?

[zoey101]

8 minutes ago, Ether said:

@zoey101 Your husband does coke AND doesnt support you. Have you thought about a divorce?

He's not doing coke...

He hasn't been doing meth for a while...

I love him.. things were getting a little better with us...

[zoey101]

My husband just stopped by for a little...

He was still pretty upset about the whole thing... I tried to beg him to just drop it and please be with me... I told him I was scared to be alone right now...

He stopped and held me for a little, but then he wanted to have sex and I told him I really didn't want to right now.. that I just wanted to lay there for a little and he got a little agressive... 

He tried to say that it was because I was thinking of my friend... I told him it wasn't that but he started to get mad so I just did it.... 

I don't know what happened... I wasn't thinking about anything but I got overwhelmed and started to cry in the middle of it and he got so pissed... He started to yell that "he knew I was thinking about my friend" but I wasn't.. it just happened....

He kept calling me a liar... I yelled that he was being so selfish and ridiculous... I told him that I supported him wholeheartedly when his friend committed suicide and when his grandfather was dying but that he can't get over himself long enough to see that I'm fucking hurting right now.. that I'm scared right now...

He smacked me on the cheek.... He yelled that I had no right to bring that shit up because it wasn't the same.... He said the difference was that he didn't fuck his friend... 

I stayed where I was as he left the room... He was going through shit and started to walk out with a box... I asked him what he was going to do and he said that he thinks we need some time a part from each other.... 

The box was full of knives and shit and I asked him what the hell that was for... He just said it's because he doesn't trust me not to do something stupid... And then he just left...

I didn't do anything... But everything is falling a part.... I don't understand why this is happening....

Why is my husband being so stubborn..? I've never done anything to make him think I would cheat on him... He's just blowing this all up...

[zoey101]

I feel like I'm just losing all motivation... I don't see the point in any of this if it's just going to keep falling apart... It feels like I'm using all of my energy just to breathe... It's so exhausting... I don't want to do it anymore...

[egoeimai]

Zoey,forget about your husband for a while.

Relax,sleep a lot,take baths,walk in sun,breathe deeply,meditate. You need to do all those things right now. Dont stay in bed although u want it,it makes things seem even difficult. 

Your husband seems that needs acceptance,love,right now (aka sex,men need motherly affection they're like children lol and they relieve stress by having sex as well keep that in mind,also they express better with sex ,he is collapsing right now. But he has trust issues darling,addess that later tho-dont forget he also lost his friend) Help yourself first, you are priority and he is not. He is a grown up,and although he needs support as well,you come first.

Another one about the hubby: that action he did that he hit u is totally unacceptable u know it ,right? He can go to jail for this. Clearly . just sayin...

[zoey101]

@egoeimai it didn't really hurt... I don't want to get the cops involved... Things feel complicated enough... 

And my friend's mother wants me to go over to her house a few times this week to help her with things.... She wanted to come over and talk but I told her it wasn't a good time.. so she texted me that she feels like she just wants to be near me because her son cared about me so much... I don't want to respond to her.... Everyone's making a big thing from nothing!

I don't want to be responsible for all of this... But everyone is acting crazy... Why am I the only one seeing it? 

[egoeimai]

@zoey101 go to his mother,that's not the problem,if u help her then u maybe will feel good/better about yourself (considering the desire of yours to help) and maybe u will heal a bit better from it. (If someone blames u about the death,its totally ridiculous)

But again,meditate,u need at least 5 minutes the absence of thoughts. You will feel better trust me,cause the mind and body are now under stress overanalyzing stuff. I'm not saying meditation will do the trick immediately, but it helps. That's the top need now,a peace of mind. Do it girl! No doubt.

Edited June 3, 2018 by egoeimai