How to Deal With a Lack of Closure

[WaterfallMachine]

I had a fight with the leader of a support group I go to for trauma recenty. I was having a particularly bad day, and blew up on her. Ever since then, she banned me from the group. She said it was a partial 3 day ban to just make me reflect on what happened, but after 3 days, she broke her promise and still kept me out.

I went out and opened up to people for help I’ve been avoiding for months. I’ve spent those whole 3 days reflecting on what happened and after. I’ve worked on being a better contributor in there, but she didn’t seem to recognize it either. She just seemed suspicious of me now. I tried to ask for her side for me to understand over and over— but she just said vaguely said it was for the good of the an group.

I’m thinking of coming back 2 weeks after, A month — if I could wait longer, so we can both calm down about this. But I’ve built so many relationships in that group. How can I be alright with the frustration of waiting? Of never getting to resolve misunderstandings between us? To never even have the chance to be allowed to say goodbye to the other members?

Maybe I pushed my complaints too soon — when everything was still heated. I messed up.

What can I do?

Edited May 31, 2018 by WaterfallMachine

[YaNanNallari]

Well, you know, worrying about it won't actually help the situation. I understand if you feel like you have no control over this however, that is normal. When it comes to closure or obtaining things, the thing is there wasn't a beginning or anything gained in the first place. Your experience changes and we create the concept of loss as a means for survival

[Guest Quanty]

Never put your trust in another human being. But in the process don't harm yourself and others. 

[LastThursday]

It is a judgement you have to weigh. Is the suffering you are feeling by trying to get back into the group and not succeeding, worse than the suffering of not being in the group?

The leader of the group may also want to maintain her control and power and status quo.  She may perceive that having you there may make it more difficult for her to do that - whether that is right or wrong.

Not getting closure can be a very difficult thing to manage. Usually we feel this intensely, with people, situation and things we are strongly emotionally attached to. Sometimes, what it takes is a line drawn in the sand and to say enough is enough it ends here. That can then allow you to start the grieving process and slowly come to terms with letting go of the emotional attachment. 

It may also help, but it's up to you, to carry out some sort of personal ceremony (something meaningful to you) at this point, so you can formally say 'goodbye', even if you can't do it in person.

I can personally say that I have a number of people in my life who I will probably never see again, and who I didn't say 'goodbye' to. It can still hurt occasionally, but actually, they made me the man I am today, and for that I'm grateful.

 

[Epiphany_Inspired]

From my limited perspective, you have a couple of options:

1. You write the sweetest letter ...with flowers, or bake a pie, or good chocolate, and you give the letter and gift x2 to both this woman and to the Executive Director of the facility (* with no expectations*, you value thanking them regardless, for the time you did have there). Please try not to criticize, maybe just say how much you value the group, apologise for the mistake, won't happen again/ learned lesson, maybe mention how much the support means to you and why you continuing with it is of benefit to both you and them (what you have to offer, with your verbal and empathetic contribution, etc), request that they honour the original 3 day suspension, and allow you to return with one more chance, talk about your connections there, and why seeing your friends, even for a goodbye is really important...etc... If they still say no.... first take this as an important life teaching .... then: 

2. You write down all of your negative thoughts about it on a piece of paper, and as you burn it, you release them fully and commit to finding some new support, and the best new life starting now, etc... in other words, you create the closure for yourself, internally, because really, you don't actually need anyone else for that