The Most Terrifying and Powerful Experience in My Life

[Vladimir]

Hey guys, I wanted to share this powerful Ayahuasca experience that happened to me about a year ago that I'm just now starting to integrate....

On the third night drinking Ayahuasca with a group of about 8 people, in the cabin out in the forest with Ms. A, I set the intention and asked the brew to show me my deepest emotional trauma and reveal my biggest fears. This is exactly what I ended up getting and this is where my subsequent psychedelic experiences started developing in more stories based on fear. There is a couple of points during the experience where my thinking ended up leading the process in the wrong direction.

The Opening of the Heart

The first powerful experiences was when I was having very strong visuals, the usual visuals of the mosaic pattern kept growing in size, until I felt like I was a tiny being navigating myself among these gigantic, stunning visuals saturated with the most beautiful colors, and my body was buzzing with very powerful energy. There was a drum playing at this time and eventually it lead to my heart, I knew the purge was coming and quickly grabbed the bucket. I started purging out what felt like dark energy coming out from my heart, it felt really good and relieving. I then started sobbing and I saw the emotional trauma I have accumulated over a life time by not being true to my heart and I saw how much pain there was and for me to release that pain I would need to go deep into that, and this is the point where I started hesitating and resisting.

Self Importance & Super Powers

At this point I also got dragged into the narrative about my super powers that I always experience on mushrooms and Ayahuasca, I always feel much stronger, all kinds of martial arts abilities open up and I get super intuitive and sensitive to people's body language. So this lead me to creating a story about what this awakening process is about. I started creating a story of "the most powerful man being awakened right now", all these people here have gathered for this purpose, all eyes are on me and everybody knows exactly what I'm going through, everybody is waiting for me to go deep into my heart and release my emotional trauma. I realize this is what I have to do to become that person that I keep seeing underneath layers of fear and blockages, I know the drum and Ayahuasca are both leading me back to the heart even though I keep trying to distract myself. The whole scene felt like I was watching a movie play out where the main actor was myself. At this point I was overwhelmed by all these realizations and I I said out loud: "How do I do this?", then Ms. A, the facilitator, came up to me and told me to just breath, I tried moving my hands and breath using QiGong movements. I knew that if I was going to dive deep into my heart space I would start bawling like I've never done in my life due to the extent of repressed emotional trauma coming to surface.

Though I think what ultimately prevented me from going deep within, wasn't the fear of the trauma itself, but rather the self pity, self contentedness/arrogance and fear of expressing my authentic self in front of other people. I intuitively knew the release was going to be also pleasant because I would finally be dropping all of the heaviness from my heart and turning into the authentic person I've always wanted to become. Self pity dialogue when something like: "poor me, I have so much trauma in my heart, nobody has a clue how much misery I've accumulated", arrogance: "I'm the most powerful man in the world because of all these super powers I keep experiencing, nobody I know in the whole world has these powers, you have all gathered here specifically for me, to witness the awakening of the most powerful man in the world, I know you're all expecting me to go deep inside my heart right now" and fear of expressing myself in front of others: "I've been repressing these emotions most of my life, what's going to happen to my body when I start releasing them? Are others going to be judging me for being so loud? Will they tell me to be quiet? Will I disturb other people's experiences?" (this narrative about being afraid of disturbing other people comes from my social anxiety and fear of expressing myself, but what added more fear to releasing my emotions was a previous ceremony which took place about a week earlier. At that time, my heart also started opening in a similar way and I started making loud noises. I was then quickly surrounded by the whole crew of 5 people who lead the ceremony, they put flashlight right in my face and broke my concentration and I was unable to tap into that space afterwards).

Unable to Release the Shame

After resisting the heart space, I was then shown the shame part of myself which is my manhood, it's as if I was sitting in front of the audience of people and was naked and I had to accept myself the way I was in front of all these people, I think I was covering my penis with my hands at this point and being very embarrassed, unable to fully accept myself. I'm not exactly sure what happened next, but I think the intensity of the experience and my resistance got a little too much, I think I was also contemplating who I really was at this point and what all these super powers mean, this is where I started experiencing ego death, as if all of these things were designed just for me and this is the awakening of a God. I started freaking out and yelled "what the fuck is going on?" At the same time falling to the floor, I knew this is going to be the end of me and from the top of my lungs and from the bottom of my heart I screamed in sheer terror, it was the scream of death, the last action that I was going to do. At that same moment, I remember all the social boundaries about what people might think, anything about being afraid of expressing my authentic self and any other inhibitions fell apart, I truly did not give a fuck about any of that in that moment, this was the act of true authenticity.

Dying and the Terror Loop

After that, it felt like I was out of my body and it felt like I was this one being this entire time, I was shown my deepest fear over and over again as if dying again and again, and though there was this sheer terror of the mind, my body seemed to be okay, though I wasn't aware of it. Then other people in the group all got freaked out by my screaming and were trying to "bring me back", I was really confused what was happening at this point, there was a lot of noise around me and the sensations throughout my body which didn't register as sounds and sensations that are "happening to my body", I've had some glimpses at this time of coming back to my Ego and thinking to myself that "I just need to let go" and kept trying to relax into it. There was a sense that all of these sounds and sensations are not real and I needed to let go deeper into that fear that I was experiencing to reveal the Truth. So for a while, I was stuck in between dimensions, of what seemed like going out of my body and then coming back to the sensations and it felt like a loop that I couldn't get out of, I told myself "You're fucking dead now, you did it this time". Then there was a glimpse of me coming back to my old senses and which point I checked with the body and felt okay, I got somewhat calmer knowing that my body is not in any pain.

The whole time while this was happening, there was still this narrative going on about "awakening the most powerful man in the world". At one point they succeeded in bringing me back, and I remember Ms. A saying, "you're at an Ayahuasca ceremony, you drank a little too much Ayahuasca", and I said: "Oh!" making other people laugh and happy that I was finally okay. I then stood up and felt all the anxiety, body stiffness and fear around Ms. A, I was super sensitive to her body language, I gave her a hug, feeling every tension point in her body, she resisted but eventually was able to relax into it. She then tried to sit me back to my chair, I fell into it and shortly after I was out of my body again and into the one mind, though this time there were no screams, it was like the continuation of the terror loop I was experiencing earlier. I also remember stories of my life being flashed in front of me, especially memorable was the story about "Clever Techie" which is my channel on YouTube and some thoughts about how all the events in my life have lead me to this moment and how I finally "got what I was looking for" since I started on this self development and healing journey.

I was dragged upstairs and put in the the bathtub, they then started giving me cold showers and putting acupuncture needles in my face, all the while I was in this place with all kinds of swirling colors and shapes, it was like an infinite, never ending carnival ride and there was a place there of sheer terror, a place of being completely alone and it had also some associations to Hell like fire and heat and burning in some kind of horrifying oven for eternity. And I was realizing that I would eventually need to accept this horror because it was all me, there is nobody else here but me. Even though I was creating this story in my mind, I wasn't experiencing any pain and at some point I checked with my body again, and my body wasn't suffering so I kinda laughed and reassured myself that I'm still okay, it's amazing to me that I was able to laugh at this point despite having to face sheer terror just a few moments ago.

It Was Just Me this Whole Time

The confusion continued, as my body was still being tampered with, cold showers and acupuncture needles kept bringing me back to the body for a while, at some point I remember opening my eyes, there I was being surrounded by white light and it felt like I was operated on in a hospital, I thought to myself: "this is what human death is about", it's the sacrifice for humanity for the all the creation to exist, for everything to exist I need to "accept everything" including that terror that I was experiencing and I felt like I needed to go deep within my heart to fully embrace all of it, otherwise I felt like I would be stuck in that loop forever. This is an important point for me because I think this thought created a lot of fear and confusion about what this process is about. I've been stuck in my mind since then thinking that I would need to "experience all that Hell and suffering" by opening my heart to it all, and that this is the only way to heal my heart in full. I think this was an unfortunate situation of being very vulnerable and open during my heart healing process and then quickly being thrown into facing my biggest fears at the same time.

I also realized I have very "black and white" thinking which I've been doing all my life and I set unrealistic expectations on what it takes to achieve great things like completely healing myself after years of emotional trauma, depression and social anxiety. Also the super powers and the super Ego that I kept clinging to and assigning meaning, created the narrative that I need to experience everything from that Ego's physical body perspective, instead of realizing that I'm not the body and nothing bad can happen to it during this process. At some point I opened my eyes and looked at one of the women who was trying to bring me back, I saw visuals around her face and thought that she was just an illusion, I also remember having trust issues and thought that she was trying to harm me, so I went back into the mind.  Eventually fear and terror subsided and it's like I got lifted into the heavens, I remember thinking I was dead, and I started hearing people talking to me as if welcoming me to heavens, I started feeling peaceful and happy and glad that this horror ride was over and that I was going to be okay now.

Coming Back to Myself

I then opened my eyes, realized I was tripping this whole time, felt huge relief that I was going to be okay and didn't immediately remember how I got into the bathtub, but I started recalling things that happened to me and the whole thing started to seem very hilarious and I couldn't stop making fun of the whole story and especially about my screaming. I couldn't understand what I was fearing this entire time. I was also seeing my authentic self come out, I was very sensitive to people's body language, everything felt so natural and in the flow, my personality completely opened up and I felt like my true self. I was able to connect with the people who were taking care of me instantly, the atmosphere in the bathroom lit up and eventually other people joined us, I could feel everybody's energy, and it was like I was at the center of creating this party and dragging others inside of the bathroom with my mind and energy.

Upon cleaning myself up I went back to my bed and contemplated the process and what happened, I could still feel the whole energy of the house and it's as if I could telepathically sense what people were talking about, the narrative of "celf centerdness" continued to play out and I kept creating this story of people talking about me which seemed very real at the time. I realized that Ayahuasca is very powerful, it can help us truly heal, it can show us how the mind constructs narratives based on how we see ourselves and reality, it can show us our depest fears, and it can show the Truth by reuniting us with our true nature which is the entire Universe and existence, we are truly all one. The way to realize this Truth is to literally let go of everything and conquer this fear with unconditional love. I have to be very careful in how I approach healing this body and not go too deep by contemplating existence because I'm not ready to face the Truth yet. Also to shut the mind off and stop it from creating any stories about what the experience means and how my Ego fits into all of it. I have to remember to concentrate on the healing process and the journey rather than the ultimate goal of having to face my own death in the end.

Lessons

From this experience I learned about my emotional trauma and deepest fears just like I set the intention for in a way that was not expected. I learned a lot of negative aspects about my personality that I'm going to change like that I put myself above other people and I'm self centered. I learned that I'm afraid of expressing my true self in front of others and I've been seeking approval most of my life, which eventually developed into me creating a mask and fear of other people which is the source of all my social anxiety problems. I also learned about my self pity and victim mentality, as if I have gone through more trauma then any other person alive. The victim narrative also played out and revealed itself during the reunion with the "ONE" where I felt like I needed to experience all the suffering and pain for all of humanity, because I'm that special one victim. I also realized just how dangerous and distracting clinging to the "super powers" can be which leads to self importance, and that's the least thing you want to do during Ego death and surrendering.

All these are great lessons, what seemed like a traumatizing experience is turning into the most powerful lesson of my life. It's kind of unfortunate that it took me a year to come back to it and fully understand the experience, I really wish I had done this right after it happened, instead I ended up going to the jungle in Peru and somewhat repeating the experience. This has taught me another great lesson, it's that I'm way too hard on myself and I need to approach things in a gradual, strategic way, especially when it comes to such delicate process as healing deep emotional trauma and facing my biggest fears.

I really hope this story will help someone navigate the experience more effectively by avoiding similar traps of the mind. We need to be very careful going into such powerful experiences with a lot of emotional trauma and limited understanding about reality. Concentration, breath and setting up a safe and comfortable environment where it's okay to be vulnerable and you are able to release powerful emotions are probably the most important things in this process.

[the_end_of_me]

Hey man, I really enjoyed this. Very insightful and funny too.... Haha, I was imagining you screaming bloody murder, and perhaps there were first timers there who were already nervous and let their wives talk them into it.... I could see them cowering in their huts in fear, ha. 

Do you feel that your heart is more open after this trip, besides what work you have since put into it? 

Also, as you look back, do you think the "oneness" feeling that you experienced, do you think that was real, or was it a (albeit insightful) hallucination of what you currently think that would be like? 

[Vladimir]

55 minutes ago, the_end_of_me said:

Hey man, I really enjoyed this. Very insightful and funny too.... Haha, I was imagining you screaming bloody murder, and perhaps there were first timers there who were already nervous and let their wives talk them into it.... I could see them cowering in their huts in fear, ha. 

Do you feel that your heart is more open after this trip, besides what work you have since put into it? 

Also, as you look back, do you think the "oneness" feeling that you experienced, do you think that was real, or was it a (albeit insightful) hallucination of what you currently think that would be like? 

I felt like I just cracked my heart open a bit after the experience, but I still need a lot of work to do. I didn't experience complete oneness because I wasn't able to let go all the way, it was as real as the life I'm experiencing now so I can't disregard it as mere hallucination. I've also been reading The Psychedelic Experience by Timothy Leary which is based on Tibetan Book of the Dead, and my experience has a lot of similarities of what he describes as Second Bardo which is a transitional period that happens after death, so it makes sense. 

[Vladimir]

I'm finding a lot of similarities between my experience and the Bardo states described in the Tibetan Book of the Dead:

From The Psychdelic Experience Based on the Tibetan Book of the Dead:

Third Bardo Super Powers:

The voyager may also feel that he possesses supernormal powers of perception and movement, that he can perform miracles, extraordinary feats of bodily control etc. The Tibetan book definitely attributes paranormal faculties to the consciousness of the Bardo voyager and explains it as due to the fact that the Bardo-consciousness encompasses future elements as well as past.

This then is the first recognition point of the Third Bardo. The feeling of supernormal perception and performance.

Assuming that it is valid, the manual warns the voyager not to be fascinated by his heightened powers, and not to exercise them.

In yogic practice, the most advanced of the lamas teach the disciple not to strive after psychic powers of this nature for their own sake; for until the disciple is morally fit to use them wisely, they become a serious impediment to his higher spiritual development. Not until the selfish, game-involved nature of man is completely mastered is he safe in using them.

Second Bardo Retinal Circus:

Well-prepared persons need not experience Second Bardo hell visions at all. Right from the beginning they can pass into paradisiacal states led by heroes, heroines, angels and super-spirits. "They will merge into rainbow radiance; there will be sun-showers, sweet scent of incense in the air, music in the skies, radiances."

Specifically, the subject is caught up in an endless flow of colored forms, microbiological shapes, cellular acrobatics, capillary whirling. The cortex is turned in on molecular processes which are completely new and strange: a Niagara of abstract designs; the life-stream flowing, flowing.

To maintain any of these visions for any length of time requires a certain degree of concentration or "one-pointedness" of mind, as well as the ability to recognize them and not to be afraid.

He will travel freely through many worlds or experience - from direct contact with life-process forms and images, he may pass to visions of human game-forms. He may see and understand with unimagined clarity and brilliance various social and self-games that he and others play. His own struggles in karmic (game) existence will appear pitiful and laughable. Ecstatic freedom of consciousness is the keynote of this vision. Exploration of unimagined realms. Theatrical adventures.

Plays within plays within plays. Symbols change into things symbolized and vice versa. Words become things, thoughts are music, music is smelled, sounds are touched, complete interchangeability of the senses. All things are possible. All feelings are possible. A person may "try on" various moods like so many pieces of clothing. Subjects and objects whirl, transform, change into each other, merge, fuse, disperse Second Bardo again.

Edited May 30, 2018 by Vladimir