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[A way to Actualize]

Hi all. I do not know how to properly say this. I followed a teaching that got me really far in the spiritual journey. I understand the turqouise stage now. I am at the turquoise stage actually. When I write this, there not really an 'I' writing this, all identification is gone. It is shocking for me, I am seventeen currently. I began this journey a year ago were I would be considered stage blue. In a year I went trough an intense journey, all the way trough each stage. For a while now, I experience reality as all presence. I could describe it as that all what is sight of the eyes, is basically you, not as an identification. My ego was young, it wanted to explore the world more, many 'first experiences' I did not experience. I wanted to make an album, I was identified with the music I made, it gave a sense of worth and reason for living, I was passionate. There is no ambition now, just presence. I did not want enlightenment, while some people badly wanted it. To be already at a stage were 'I' becomes everything or 'we', is kind of an extreme shift, while my life keeps going on. I feel like I was not ready for it, I had much to explore, I would be considered to be still in puberty. I wanted to create so badly, now you are not depended on it; it is not your 'main' focus anymore, that is hard. I wanted to experience more of how it felt to create guitar music my main focus. On free days from school I would enjoy it so much, it was an emotional up. I wanted to experience that for a year when I would left school. I would not mind enlightenment if there was not an intent of creating music, but I genuinely want to create art. I can create art, that is beautiful. The difference is that feeling on being on the edge on things. It could be compared to what Leo felt when he gets respect and create beautiful things and feels that sense of abundance. Schools gets fun now, every interaction flows like water, there comes such beautiful loving conversations. Won't there ever be that feeling to perform on stage as Matthew Bellamy feels while performing? I do not know if it is an ego thing. Being empty in love is not as fun as people think, it feels like depression, but it is totally not the same. It feels like life has no reason, it is simple. On the whole thing of 'why not leave the park' thing, there is some understanding. To go from an 'I' experience to a 'we' experience trough your eyes is radical. I see other people very differently, it feels like gender does not exist, but only the expression of 'we' in a man or woman. There is a genuine interest in every human being, even if you were in ego not interested in what they would talk about. It is being selfless, I firstly did not believe it would exist, but I experience it. But I am honest, I am playing a battle of the bands that will be fun for me. Just to play live for the second time of my life in a band is so much fun. Everyone who thinks people think you are weird by being enlightenment is something I want to talk about next few lines. It feels like there is only one thing I can say to them, there is no personal will playing in it. I mean, I could say something different, but it is really like you do not feel like acting on it and it would feel unnatural. I would compare it to: why not walk naked on street?  I speak different, there is a more relaxing way a more high quality of speaking. People are more interested in the words and will have more laughter. There is no anxiety, when you would speak to the hottest girl in the world, you could speak the very same. The funny thing is: you actually do not want to have sex as goal. It will seem very superficial, there is not really physical attraction. People who were called ugly are not ugly anymore. 

Many things unfold really weird and awesome. Synchronisities are insane. When I need to talk to someone, the person will appear in my reality in just a few seconds mostly.

As far as relating goes to people at other levels of the spiral dynamics system, it is really easy to relate now, but it is really different. There is not that same 'oh cool, we went to the same thing and that makes our bond special'. What there is, is just an interest in their story. When they talk it feels like you are talking to yourself, it is the same in a weird way. As far as deep friendships goes: that bond won't change that much. I still very like them and there is a complimentary vibe. Vibes of every inhabitant of a body still resonate different, but you can go along with all in a loving way. I do not experience life as a serious anymore. People are not reality, but more like the same thing as you, but living in an other world than you do. It becomes a playground. It feels as if another person just lives in another dimension or something. 

I won't call it full realization yet, though there no identification with anything anymore. Every description with the 'turquoise stage' actually fits. I still need to get accostumed to it. It is very shocking (without feeling the shock or realizing it) to dissolve the ego. It is hard to be the ocean, then I feel like it came too early. When the waves are high, then it is burning love for life and being passionate. I felt like writing this because there is no one I have spoken about this in my life and to be alone on a journey that you did not have the desire for is not best thing to do. Only because I stumbled on the enlightenment video from Leo this all happened, you can not leave enlightenment. Once you know about enlightenment, even if you hate it and not want it, it will hunt you down. I wanted self-worth, then Freedom, then making a really cool expressive album, then there is nothing to want. I still 'want to create the album', but it comes from a other place or it is secondary. It could not have gone another way. I am not interested in being an enlightened teacher. A teacher of 'thoughts' I would say. 

Leave any comments if you want, it still is a bit extreme for me that such a shift happened. I do not really know how or what or who. It feels not lonely, but to just not to express this will not feel good for me.

Edited March 11, 2016 by A way to Actualize

[Nathalie]

.. Don't know what to say.. I surely not at that tear..

But i can remember that Adyashanti said something like: "when you become enlightened, you feel absolutely lost, because everything is still the same but completely different at the same time and there's no instruction book you could use"

Well, even i'm not sure if you are jocking (in this case you are anyhow very inspiring)

Maybe a good way could be to meet other enlightened people.. Don't you thing so?

[Henri]

Thanks for sharing, great to read your experience.

One comment on the turquoise; Wilber states that every individual has around 26 developmental lines who develop independent of each other. It`s like a more developed perspective of the Grave`s model. That`s why it`s better to use Spiral Dynamics for cultural development only. 

[Guest]

@A way to Actualize Hi there,

Exciting stuff.  I love Spiral Dynamics and Integral

 

You might find this video interesting.  Ken talks about the distinction between states of consciousness and stages (structures) of consciousness.  An important point he makes is development through the stages takes a while.

I recommend this paper from Suzanne Cook-Greuter, lots of interesting insight into the different stages, nice descriptions of the traits of each stage http://www.cook-greuter.com/Cook-Greuter%209%20levels%20paper%20new%201.1'14%2097p[1].pdf 

Great reading!

Enjoy!

[Toby]

@Nomad Thanks for posting. Do you know of resources where several developmental lines are shown? For example it would interest me very much how the sexual line/stages would look like.

[Anna Konstantaki]

@A way to Actualize this is incredibly inspiring. You definitely saw some more than just "a few hairs on the ox tail". I dunno... Reading this made me happy. Even though I wonder if this state will be permanent.

[Guest]

@Toby @TobyThe Way Of The Superior Man by David Deida. His model is less detailed though and is only divided up into pre-rational, rational and post-rational.