Sonder

[Anna Konstantaki]

All I see is circles!...

Is it normal that all I can see now is circles? I feel the wind, I think of the hot and cold air streams making their circle around earth... I see the water, I think of the circle of water becoming steam and clouds and rain... I see the soil, I think of the soil becoming plants and the plants being food, becoming us or crap or a dead body and then soil again... I see the energy going along with the circles, making its own... I see sentience and life 
making one... 

It´s causality that goes along with humanitys fate and the more causality I see, the more I see how I influence that. Even though I am so small and just one person. 

You know... It´s not just that I am facing the questions of who and more fundamentally what I am but also what I want to be. And I know that we humans are creators. I´ve come to the point that I understood that what I have to create is not something outside of me but something inside me. Without saying that creating anything else is wrong but that within is the real deal. I remember at school there was this girl who had really artistically painted nails and I said: Some people like to make art and others like to make art of themselves. Here I am years later having stopped being addicted to HAVING things like most, but becoming, BEING things instead. 

When you ARE, when you embody something you can share that with people, rather effortlessly by interacting with them and that will make its circle like everything else. Only problem here is that the process of becoming something is harder than the process of getting to have. 

I have a fascination with ammonoids, in fact I have a necklace with one which my uncle bought me at a dinosaur exhibition, it broke some years ago but I still keep it. It´s an extinct group of marine animals. Ammonoids lived before 415 million years for around 350 million years and died out 65 million years ago. I find these fascinating numbers but much more fascinating is the fact that my brothers first word was "Stein" which means stone. NO I AM KIDDING, just testing your attention... What is fascinating about fossilization is that it is a breaking of a circle. (Even though the possibility that the last thing my bro saw in his last life was a stone is too ).The biological and chemical properties changed. A once living thing literarly turned to f****** stone! Nothing remained but... Minerals. Of course if we pulverize the stone and add it to the soil it´s all back in the circle but I want to stress here that with enough time and under the right conditions crazy things can happen. Millions of years are millions of years but a human lifespan... Is a human lifespan. We might not be able to turn to stone (and I guess I consider that a good thing?) but we should be able to change a couple of neuronal... Circles... Circiuts... Hff... You get the point.

 

[Anna Konstantaki]

Yesterday night some of my friends knocked on my door. They said they thought they´d come and say hi in case I´m still awake. They were holding beer and sweet hot wine in their hands. There was a party on the fifth floor. I was holding paper and pen and got ripped out of my thoughts. One of them asked: How are you doing Anna? Have you found a formula for world peace? 

That made me think...

I´ve changed... They have stayed pretty much the same but I have changed.

Have I learned anything after all?

Be humble but try to change yourself and the world.

Try to experience absolute infinity-everything by seemingly doing absolutely nothing.

Defeat your biggest demons by sitting still.

Become a walking library but never preach any of the knowledge you know.

Learn everything but don´t identify with anything. 

Forgive to live, love unconditionaly, see people for what they are, treat them equal but don´t get walked over. 

Develop trust in yourself and the world but be an emotional superconductor whenever it gets missused. 

Study science and philosophy, do self inquiry but don´t do mental masturbation...

Take your life and goals very serious but not too much yourself.

Help, be part of the community but don´t identify with it.

Give your best, dedicate your life to something while knowing it´s  rather insignificant on itself but still adds to something bigger.

Respect all culture but try to not adapt any. 

Act moraly without believing in morals. 

Accept and love yourself as you are but always try to become better.

Spread peace but engage in debate. 

Have no should´s but live a life straying for discipline and excellence.

Question everything but have the motivation of someone who is completely sure. 

Be mindfull of the smallest things but think big. 

Be patient in a world where everyone values and expects speed. 

Have a radically open mind but  stay sane and don´t get lost in fantasy and illusion.

Develop compassion for the suffering but don´t feel bad for them. 

Nothing is hidden but the Truth is mystical (to us).

And more...

 

 

 

[Anna Konstantaki]

There was this man at the recycling yard today and since I was just a little human with a backpack he asked "What do you have there? You brought me a washing mashine or somethin´?"I opened my backpack, pulled out one of those portable electric stove burners and he said "Oh nice, an oven!" I wish I had laughed but I had to concentrate on bending my frozen fingers to grab the burner... Later I bought some cheap gloves in town... Probably made by some really poor kids in India or something like that...  Oopsy... Well, at least it wasn´t a santa clause hat...  Hehe... Kidding. 
.......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................

I have, of course started sorting out my childhood vows... It looks like I have broken or partially broken all those I uncovered untill now but that explains many past emotional struggles even better... 

If we define childhood so loosely to say it´s from birth to 25 then I have to be carefull not to make even more of them. Because I have this feeling that if I searched long enough I´d always find new old ones or stuff related to old ones and if I make even more this will never take an end!

...Some months ago I decided to keep digging in the past because if I don´t know and understand it, I won´t be really able to let go of it. This is helpful doing so... Detaching from the story turns out to be a long, long internal process after all...

Well, since I am an optimistic person and like to stress the positiv things in life I decided to write down why I am proud of my family. Because hey... Relationships are important, right?

Why I am proud of my family. 

It´s nice to see how a seed planted starts slowly growing... Last summer when I was at the airport my father said "Be carefull" for the first time in my life to me. He has a huge problem with showing emotion, talking directly to people about feelings and showing love. In fact, I spent many, many years of my life thinking that he has no interest in me, which might even had been partially true but I can forgive him for that due to his hard life
conditions in general. He also signed by the greetings on the annual christmas card that my mom wrote and not just with his name but with "dad"! Who knows... Maybe one day he will even say that he loves me or that he is sorry for calling me a shitdog who should bring away her pissed on stuff... Or never telling me a single compliment or that my good grades were good... Or for not being a dad... Maybe it´s better he knows no psychology, then at least he´ll never know how much neuroticism he has transmitted and caused. But anyways, I´m proud. 

Mum... Mum. Oh mum... I am proud that some weeks ago you told me on skype that you believe in me. I was slightly shocked that something like that came over your lips after all these years but it looks as if the things I tried to tell you last summer have actually made you think and find better ways of caring. I think she has started understanding that her words hurt and that they do that unnessecarily. And that when people are weak it´s not because they are lazy or incapable of living their lifes but it´s usually because they are hurt and that stabbing who is allready on the ground even further does not help the situation. I´m proud that she has become much better at handling her selfhate and anger and that she has stopped inviting people to join in her bad habits like TV addiction. Maybe I am dellusioned but I think I traced some guilt in her way of talking lately... As if she realized that she has messed up really badly in some ways... Mum, I have forgiven you a list that´s very long and I am proud that you have started thinking different. I even think that I have lost my fear of you. 

Then there is my brother. My dear brother has finally learned to live with the leftovers  of his psychosis and sounds like the bright boy for whom everyone predicted great futures again. My brother has been of the most important people in my life and he takes huge account for 
who I am today. I am proud for him for having grown with me and I could probably write pages upon pages on why I am proud but if I write that all down then it would probably make most sense to tell him in person. So that he knows. People can´t read minds after all... Right mum? And... What was the word again? Dad?

I left the family madhouse and I left my school a couple of years years ago, which might have been an even bigger madhouse... Now the only madhouse that´s left, is the one in my thoughts sometimes. I guess that´s why the last year has been a good one. I took a lot of  trash out of my mind. From the relationship with my parents I learned that it is important to believe in people, to believe that they can change and to just try to show them love and care because... They´re children. 

„There is sun in every human being – you just have to make it shine.“ Socrates

 

[Anna Konstantaki]

Dave will tell you how I felt over the last days... (Maybe you are going through something similar? Oh and... Warning: slightly neurotic undertone)

 

(lyrics of the songs end)

"I wanna do the most good, and prevent the most hurt
But I've gotta put on my own oxygen mask first

I can’t predict what I’ll do. I can never be sure
I am terrified of making promises any more
I can’t face my work, I feel sick from the word
I genuinely believe I’m capable of changing the world

I still think I can get better
I still think I can create and get pleasure from it
I'll keep aiming to make my emotion and my logic agree
And become the best version of me

I don’t want to stop"   

And with that neither good or bad said about a phaze I want to proclaim... Over! ... I had great problems with staying in touch with people and finding motivation and all the other things named... Here I am. Maybe not as dramatic as expressed above but definitely as unstoppable. Happy new year. 

......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................

new video  

The bald guy who wears black T-shirts when shooting videos and lives in Las Vegas and we know very little about, brought me some generous and very handy information, which is perfect to apply after this year of self exploring and understanding the mechanisms of the mind and my personal weaknesses  better, since I am that biggest opponent who might ruin all projects. (Thanks Leo. All appreciated). Yesterday was dedicated to pre mortems and to other scheduling and planning... There is still some left but most of it is done and it is clear. Flies turned into elephants and then became flies again...

[Anna Konstantaki]

I don´t know if Leo has been spying on my facebook chats but I have had a conversation based on this whole anger and not, good and evil, victim and victimizer thing just this week with a friend of mine who I think sees me as a victim. When the black and white uncompassionate towards the victimizer view happens, the people who see the world that way have also a problem with accepting and understanding that you might have forgiven and worked hard on understanding why things happen, they can´t imagine that it is possible to feel this way about something terrible (yet. Hopefully). I used to feel a ton of anger, even rage and whenever I would replace it with other feelings at some point it would come back and I would have to do the whole understanding -forgiving thing again and again but I have literarly come to the point in my life that I have to listen to rageful music for example to get myself back into the past where anger fueled me to somehow function and do anything. I´m having such a hard time getting along with how my past used to emotionaly be driven. It scares the shit out of me how I, as somebody who had hate and rage inside me, got blindsighted by it and how out of pain could go into this mode where I was very, very close to commiting crime but I governed myself and did not. But I can understand those who might have just been through a drop more or had the tools for violence all handy and acted wrong. Even more for those who had stopped feeling from all the pain they have had in their lives and now being  coldblooded and harming was their only "kick", their way to feel alive, to feel some pleasure and power. 

me: aha (aha)

ich auch (me too)

ich mag alle Leute (I like all people)

friend: Ich versteh nich wie du alle leute mögen kannst. (I don´t understand how you can like all people)

me: das klingt vielleicht etwas doof aber wir sind alle Eins. Deshalb. Aber ich weiß ja auch nicht was du unter mögen so verstehst (this might sound a bit silly but we are all one. That´s why. But I don´t know what meaning you ascribe to liking)

friend: Hmm naja wenn böse Menschen böses tun, einfach nur wegen sich selbst und nicht an andere denken. (Hmm well when bad people do bad things, just for theirselves and when they do not think of others.) [I guess he meant BUT WHAT WHEN...]

me: es gibt keine bösen Leute. Nur verwirrte, traumatisierte, alleingelassene und wer weiß was sonst noch alles Kinder. Oh, und Leute mit nachprüfbaren Hirnschaden. (there are no bad people. Only confused, traumatized, leftalone and god knows what else kids. Oh, and people with provable braindamage.)

Was fühlst du wenn du verletzt wirst ? (What do you feel when you get hurt?)

kommt darauf an wie und von wem und aus welchen Grund. (depends on how, from who and for what reason)

klar, die Welt ist voller toxischer Leute und man ist nicht sicher aber wenn man nicht vergeben kann dann kommt man nicht weiter. (Sure, the world is filled with toxic people and one is not safe but when one can´t forgive then one can´t move on.)

Hmm ich denke es ist immer eine entscheidung zwischen vergeben und anklagen. (Hmm I think it is always a decision between forgiving and accusing).

Aber diese Leute tun das gleiche immer wieder. Wenn du dich wirklich mit anderen verbunden fühlst wie kannst du es zu lassen böse menschen nicht anzuklagen. (But these people do the same again and again. If you really feel connected with others then how can you allow bad people not to be accused).

Oder "toxische leute" die andere "nicht toxische" vergiften. (Or toxic people poison other non toxic ones.)

Es besteht immer die Möglichkeit dass sich Menschen ändern, in den Fällen in denen sie es nicht tun heißt Vergebung nicht das dieser Mensch nicht für seine Taten eingestehen muss. Ich habe nichts gegen Anklagen. (There is always a chance that people will change, in the cases they don´t do that, forgiving does not mean that this person does not have to stand straight for what it did. I don´t have something against accusations). [I meant judgement by law]

Klar will ich andere schützen aber ich finde dass die die am schwierigsten zu lieben sind es am meisten brauchen. (Sure do I want to protect others but I think that those who are the hardest to love are the ones who need it the most). 

Ich verstehe was du meinst. Trotzdem weisst du nicht genau was diese Menschen brauchen. Kann Liebe sein, kann aber auch ein Medikament sein oder ein chirurgischer Eingriff. (I understand what you mean. Still, you don´t know what exactly these people need. Could be love, could also be a drug or a chirurgical intervention).

ja, aber was sie auf gar keinen Fall brauchen können ist "böse" auf die Stirn geschrieben zu bekommen (yes, but what they can´t need in any way is being written "bad" on their foreheads).

ich bin auch kein Engel (I am no angel either).

Doch weil du dadurch unter umständen unschuldige rettest und andere unschuldige warnst. Ich finde es gefährlich böse Menschen nicht anzuklagen oder die realität nicht zu sehn. Weil man dadurch zum Mittäter ihrer nächsten Tat wird. Inwiefern bist du bitteschön kein Engel ? (No because under conditions you save and warn innocent people in this way. I find it dangerous not to accuse bad people or not to see the reality. Because in this way you become a co-perpetrator in their next action. Please tell me in what way you are not an angel?) 

Haha

es gibt keine Engel, keinen Teufel, keine Huren, keine Arschlöcher... Wir verhalten uns vielleicht unterschiedlich aber wir sind alle gleich. Was ungleich ist, ist unser Wissen und Verständnis (there are no angels, no devils, no whores, no assholes... We might act differently but we are all the same. What is not the same is our knowledge and our understanding).

Demnach brauchen wir weder Gesetze noch Menschen die schützen oder heilen und garantiert keine Leute die Wissen teilen. Weil alles keinen Sinn ergibt in einer Welt indem wir aufhören zu unterscheiden. ( Therefore we do not need laws nor people that protect or heal and defenitely not people that share knowledge. Because all that makes no sense in a world in which we stop differentiating.)

Indem = in der

emotionell lernen nicht zu unterscheiden. Im praktischen brauchen wir natürlich schon Struktur und System. Es geht mir darum wie man Leute ansieht und wahrnimmt. Es geht darum sich selbst und anderen einen Gefallen zu tun indem man den Kreis aus Hass und Ärger bricht. (learn to emotionaly not differentiate. Of course we need structure and system in the practical. I´m talking about how you look at people and how you perceive them. It´s about doing yourself and others a favor by breaking the circle of hate and anger).

IN einem selbst angefangen. (Starting INSIDE oneself).

Ja aber brechen kann man diesen kreis eben nur wenn man anklagt sich selbst und andere. Was meist schwerer ist als dinge einfach geschehn zu lassen. (yes but  one can only break this circle when you accuse yourself and others. Which is usually harder than just letting things happen.)

Emotional lernen wir durch schmerz. (emotionaly we learn through pain).

Der Schmerz weicht sobald wir tiefgründig anfangen zu verstehen. Es ist am Anfang schwierig aber es lohnt sich. (The pain leaves when we deeply start to understand. It is hard in the beginning but it is worth it ).

Wer schlechtes tut der leidet. Es sieht vielleicht so aus als manche Leute abgründig böse sind und sich ein genussvolles Leben führen aber der Schein trügt. Die Leute zum nachdenken bringen? Schwer. Aber ob da sozialer Ausschluss wirklich hilft? (Whoever does bad suffers. It might look as if some people are deeply evil and are living  pleasure filled lifes but it is not as it seems. Make people think? Hard. But if social exclusion will really help?)

Menschen ändern sich wenn man an sie glaubt, wenn man ihnen Liebe zeigt, wenn man sie so nimmt wie sie sind. Daran glaube ich fest. (People change when you believe in them, when one gives love to them, when ones takes them as they are. I strongly believe in that.)

...Dann sind da noch die die ein Medikament brauchen oder eine Untersuchung und dann vielleicht sonst eine OP oder Therapie... Da muss man daran arbeiten dass diese auch nicht durchs Netz gehen= System Besserung. Warum sie gut behandeln wenn sie schlechtes getan haben? Nun ja, nehmen wir an das Problem wird gehoben, kannst du Hass und Ärger auch wieder beheben? Und was ist mit der Person die dafür nichts konnte? Was wenn du an seiner Stelle gewesen wärst? ... Es ist auf jeden Fall gut Tätern immer versuchen neutral gegenüber zu treten. Auch als Opfer oder Angehöriger. (... Then there are the people who need medicine or a examination and then maybe surgery or therapy... Then one has to make sure they get spotted= system improvement. Why treat them good when they have done bad? Well, let´s say their problem gets fixed, can you as well reverse your hate and anger towards them? And what about the person who it was not its fault (let´s say someone with a tumor)? What if you had been at his position?... It is always good to be neutral towards offenders. Even as a victim or relative.)

Das Opfer kann nichts dafür und der Täter kann auch nicht wirklich etwas dafür. Wir wollen alle eine Heile Welt und wir sind vielleicht keine Engel aber einfach so und ganz ohne Grund passieren die großen Gräultaten sicher nicht. (It´s not the victims fault but it is not really the offenders fault either. We all want a peaceful world and maybe we are no angels but the really terrible acts do definitely not happen with no reason [In this case I meant that "bad" is not a real reason].)

Ende der Chat-Unterhaltung

Gesehen: Mi 13:23

As you can see after my big monologue at the end he did not answer. I am not perfect at handling and explaining this but I think I have not done so bad... It´s something I am quite passionate about, this whole "who to blame" thematic but it is always so strange how people can´t grasp this for years because it shakes their worldview too much. I don´t want to claim that my life is free of all anger but I have spent a lot of time thinking about it.

[Anna Konstantaki]

On friendship 

Last Saturday one of my best friends, who still (in comparison to me) lives in Greece I have not seen or really spoken too for months, sent me some link of some art she thought I´d like, then it all snowballed in a conversation and then we put on the camera and all in all we ended up talking 8 and a half hours into the night. She showed me that she had photos of us in her wardrobe and told me about all those letters she wrote but did not send and even a video she made and then deleted. I was surprised  about how much she had been thinking of me and/or us. The thing is that my other best friend has as well photos of me and in her case all over her room (this one lives in France now). If life had not been how it was I would had never come so close and lived through so many experiences with these exact people (who by the way barely know each other, the one is more of a school context induced friendship, the other one is more by family). We might not communicate for really long  but when we reunite we are always still the girls who´d explore life together. 

reaccess 

On Monday I found a reminder of mine I wrote on 21.11.15 which I had saved on a USB stick, titled "inspiration"... Rather enlightening and smart this past self Anna... But all her smartness was borrowed anyways... Then some time past... I watched a movie I was recommended, then I had some incredible insights on female psychopathy and then my thoughts returned to the text and I tried to remember what kicked me in the state to write that thing, how I could had possibly felt that way...  It´s crazy how little the exstacy induced had to do with the practise I have scheduled to get there. I was just looking out the window actually and played this game I used to play where I tried to see beauty while it all appears ugly. It was a grey day with some fogg and a lot of snow,  little light or warmth. Then I tried to get back to feeling and seeing how I used to. So... I was white, I was grey, I was woody, I was stony, the person walking, everything in between... The crucial thing is not just to see and say it but to say it all with love and to have no expectation, to accept it like it all is, to want to feel it all. After some time I went outside and I had to keep closing my mouth because my jaw kept dropping. All those ugly things, all those people in stress or pain, the inequality of their life quality, the bad air... Could not get to me. I concentrated on keeping and deepening my state and I was starting to get this pleasant headache I had written about. Something between pain and tingling... It´s like the brain having sex with itself. It´s like being this toddler who smiles and laughs at all it sees (but you have more control over expressing that than the toddler). You don´t want to thank, or pray or any of these, you just have no fear or worry or doudt, you don´t think because you trust the right  information to blobb up to your mind when you need it and exactly that happens, you are free, it´s all done by itself with no effort, you´re so full of everything that you´re empty. You´re so empty that everything fills you. I remember walking to one of my favorite places by the river, then I was so happy and decided to share that with a tree and hugged it, then I sat down in the snow, I almost fell asleep at some point and then I rolled around, got up and went home slowly letting go. 

I think it is crucial to know that the straying and benefits of the spiritual purification process are great but that happiness does not depend on that. It´s a choise and we have to upen the probability of making it. It is really, really important to see that we could have our absolute dream life and not feel great but that we can feel ecstacy right now. For me, finding it again is the key to even stand through the journey that is supposed to get me there (what?!). I´m already there. The thing is that I am homeostaticaly so used to not being there, so attached to my reality as Anna that I deny and forget about it. I think an extatic life is scary, a blissfull life (that would be the next step) is even scarier. What will you do when all you knew is being overwritten, when you have this responsibility for your emotions and choise, when you could do so much, when you have more power than you ever imagined? Makes me cry.

I fail at accepting and handling all this change in the long run and after all, there is more brainwashing and forgeting than there is what will make me reconnect. 

[Anna Konstantaki]

resolving conflict

Okay, I´ll try to go through what I understood from the naive realism video... Something arises in the field of consciousness, whatever I percieve in that moment. Let´s say Leo talking on a screen... I try to explain it through my observation and see that certain laws apply here, just like science does BUT this thing I perceive is STILL (in) the field. So, first I have to understand that nothing proves it constantly being there and that it really just APPEARS in the field. How can it appear in the field? I have to know what is true for the field... Well,  It´s a field. It´s... Well, it IS.... Causality ends at some point or the mind comes up with elephants and turtles... It´s a field and... Dot. Nothing. Do not explain it. Leo on the screen appears WITHIN  this field so... He is the field too... Just came up there. Kind of self made like the field itself... He is not the observations I´ve made and the theories I have.  I might mistakenly  think that I understood what his arising in my consciousness is because I know how to switch Leo from the screen to someone else. I assume I understand reality but I have only understood how to treat what I see, hear, touch, smell with my eyes and microscopes and telescopes and all that... On top of that I have a tendency to believe people who talk about turtles and elephants. Also the people who have mastered manipulating what occurs in the field through developing mechanisms and principles and technologies try to find out what of the phenomena and objects and all that, what appear in the field justifies the field existing in the first place and even though these are incredible people they miss out on the fact that what they are trying to apply or to make apply can´t. Because consciousness has nothing in common with anything they have studied yet.  So I know that if I calculate if a triangle is rectagular, I might find that it IS rectangular and that might even be useful in the world I perceive to live in, that this is true but what is also true at the very same time is that I can´t calculate if or why it exists, if "rectangular" exists, if dimentions exist rather than how they are appearing in the field... Uh, I´m a snake biting my tale... Maybe I should just go and study some quantum mechanics instead... Or even better... Gain more... Field awareness  

[Anna Konstantaki]

I needed some distraction so I made a meme...

[Anna Konstantaki]

[Anna Konstantaki]

Okay... This is weird. I am either blind or there is really no new video yet...  I would not be very happy if Leo accidentaly killed himself by a psychedelics overdose or got ubducted by aliens or hit by a car or... Naaah... It is  probably just another patience test... 

(the) nothing shatters everything

(These are my thoughts from a couple days ago). I can´t have it both ways... It´s not possible that the world is just arising and made up by me, who does not exist and that at the same time it´s made of stuff like particles. If it comes from nothing, then it´s nothing, it can´t be there and not be there at the same time. This makes no sense. I thought that it exists on ONE level, even if it is just that level in which I am seeing it and I do not know what is true for that level but that there is the level above this in which it´s contained... But it turns out there is no container or contained. There is neither just part of what I thought there/real/true  nor is all of what I thought, nor is there both something there and not, nor none. I don´t know what "existing" even means after this.  The words, my thinking tools can´t help me. I´m getting shivers...

How can this view possibly be freeing when it just shatters and takes EVERYTHING you know from you? It does not even leave a color to imagine, to picture nothingness with. Yes, on the one hand it´s all magical and mystic but this gets a taste of mad, alone and unsafe too. If I make the physical world up then there is nothing and nobody around, if I even make myself up then that is creepy. If I make this up I am the creator and engineer and I don´t even know what the fuck I am doing. It´s NOT empowering and changes nothing about the  fact that I will eat, drink, shit, sleep or at least  perceive to do so. Or is this supposed to take the fear of loss and death and failiure from me? Or is it supposed to disattach me from every belief I could cling on? This makes me unable to really keep seeing the world like pretty much everyone around me. This is something I can´t even tell anyone about because they will finally have evidence that I am nuts and you know what? I think that is what is happening right now, I am going nuts. I can´t do anything rather than bump against the borders of my own  system, of crushing it and I can´t stomach that this is even possible. I have absolutely  opposite feelings about this. It´s the BEST and the WORST and I kind of don´t want to lean into what it makes me feel because I am SO, SO terribly confused. I am getting auto immune issues  from this. No joke. 

Ahahaha... Okay reading this about one week later I am entertained...

Edited January 22, 2017 by Anna Konstantaki

[Anna Konstantaki]

...

This whole lifelong  hunt for understanding is so similar to a game... Play long enough and with the right strategy and you´ll become really good... Play mindfully and dedicated... You might still loose (or feel like you do so when you care only about winning)... You can not not play (unless you kill yourself?). When you think you are not playing, you are playing bad... Well, I have some advice for myself here... If you´re about to spend years of research for a big picture understanding knowing that you might find out that you have wasted hours and hours on worthless information then at least... Then at least have fun doing so. Confuse other confused and lost people even more by writing  a journal about your confusion in which you drift through perspectives! Ah, shit I am already doing that... Eheheh... I have been so silent for most of my life when I felt I don´t know enough... But you know what? I´ll never know for sure or know enough so I won´t shut up. Sorry . 

[Anna Konstantaki]

how to save/create intelligence

There are alot of different people on this planet, aren´t there? There are highly educated, knowledgable idiots, there are to the learning process

crippled people, there are pretty wise people with little wordly knowledge... (In my eyes) highly intelligent people have three things (knowledge, emotions, wisdom) and those I see on the peak of it all do have those in an specific order (by now). 

1. wisdom >  emotions >  knowledge          /          2.  knowledge < emotions  < wisdom  (majority stars this way to reach a function like in 1.)

(oh, and... For funs sake... How you won´t reach high intelligence: knowledge > emotions  > wisdom)

The ideal would be to first move from wisdom, the philosophical foundation of thoughts and beliefs to form the right emotional approach to learning (true curiosity/understanding and not competition or definition of identity) to learning, to knowledge. This way you can absorb many rules and fixed belief systems but can still think out of the box and be highly creative as well as filter out belief systems that are dellusional, useless, incomplete, outworn etc...

The less ideal path (still leads to the development of intelligence though) is that you stumble upon a piece of information (knowledge) which makes you change your perspective and emotional approach to learning and to beliefs and start the wisdom and general further information seeking process by that. Obviously it is less ideal because it contains a  realization  of  time loss and because the process of acquiring knowledge or research methods was emotionaly overshadowed by neuroticaly rooted motivations the whole time untill you decide to change it. Not only is it harder to change the motivations, the approach to information this way  (usually one has a certain age when this happens and the patterns of thinking have been cemented over some years) but it is also confusing to fill the emotional gap by getting rid of anxiety and fears with joy and thirst to know. It is hard to accept paradise after hell, so to speak... Not to mention the loss of creativity and inspiration seeking that has to get restored if it is not an already lost or never had mechanism.

I know that there is nuance to this, like there is for everything and that we can be mixups, depending on which domain of life we look at but all in all I think there is one and best way to go about this game. I think we have quite a lot of schools and quite a lot of teachers but people have so many problems and the world has so many problems and they somehow just can´t solve them on their own, so what is wrong? This is what is wrong. This is how potential gets lost or only met by unnecessary suffering. Going down the rabbit hole should be exciting and meeting the mad genius of this existance is reallly cool. Everything is easier when you feel free. When you allow yourself to.

 

[Anna Konstantaki]

You only read this because it´s in bold, right? Titles... Meh...

I meditated alot today. I am shocked about the time lapse effect. This remembered me of something I once did as a child actually. I was a child that thought a lot about death and I think I have mentioned that before but I was really, really curious about how it must be like to be dead so I closed my ears and my eyes, held my breath and tried not to think... As you can imagine I did not last very long... I  remembered this today because the seconds of nothing I earned me back then occured today in a much more stretched version.

Should I tell people about my distant future sagehood/ mystic aspirations?

I´ve been focusing more on the mind lately and not so much the body... So, I decided it´s time to drop by the good old parcour course.... Just for funs sake... The trainer introduced me as a shaolin human  because of my... "Haircut" I guess? (I thought it was a joke).  I have a list of reasons I made before cutting my hair but converting to budhism is not one of them and I have absolutely nothing in common with these people... Except for the meditation and sleeping on the floor and other strange places maybe... I went home and realized how hilarious this situation must have been... I´m getting the feeling that they had some special expectations. That would explain  those acrobatics they started doing before even the warm up? I guess they wanted me to do something cool to? hahaha I can´t even do 30 pushups in a  row at the moment. Yea, whatever... On a existential level this does not matter. It´s still funny though... 

Something insignificant... I remember when I first discovered actualized.org and logged onto my account for the audios and saw this:and spent like 5 minutes thinking about how cute this monster is and that this must be the right place for me. Haha... Now that I think of it...  I used to have a T-shirt when I was younger which said:" Monsters: my favorites:" With little cute monsters all over... Really loved that shirt... 

You know what is cute too? The diagramm Leo made to explain the clash between theism and atheism and how turning inwards will lead you to realizing that god is nothing. The insights thread is actually really nice... Psylocybin wine anyone? 

Past... Streets... Nights... Freedom (maybe too much?)

I wrote my brother an instruction manual for how to interprete and verbally support me... My wall is stuffed with laws and systems I have not yet started using... I wrote letters to my future self... I catch myself craving spring...  I sold my high heels some months ago to a high heel fetishist who sniffed on them really hard... Some peoples perception of the world is just... Different. Very. Different... He just could not take his eyes of them... I don´t know... People just trust me. It is as if they smell that I know all the crazyness out there . Why have I been so much "out there?". Mainly because my mother hated it when I would stay at home and where I grew up there was nothing to do for young people... But clubs. I remember how the mothers or fathers of the other girls would always call them to ask where they were. I was free. My mum would not do that. She still doesn´t... We have not spoken for weeks now. I could try make my family more family like but I have other things to do. I remember when I was still going to school,  on some Sunday  I was making a long face and  because of that she was accusing me of not being out enough and not having enough friends and I replied: Are you kidding me? I came home at 4 this morning (she either did not notice or forgot it), how about next time I don´t come home at all? She said: Yes! Next time you don´t need to come home at all! She was angry and dead serious... Just as serious as that time when she told me that if I get pregnant she would kick me out. I am a smart girl of course and never intended to get or got pregnant but what was it that she was just searching opportunities to get rid of me? The last two years before I left I was the one who´d wake her up in the morning before I went to school?  Anyways, here they take the underaged peoples ID and throw them out at midnight or something like that. Where I grew up we got into any place we wanted unless it was hyper crowded and we just stayed... We stayed untill whenever... I remember new years eve when I was 16 when this friend I used to go out with left me alone in a club (I had no exact idea of where the hell we were?), it was five o´clock in the morning and she came back one hour later (thankfully?). Where was I going with this? A yes... Sometimes I feel as if I have lived for 50 lifes and that the roles I´ve played and places I´ve seen and ways I´ve felt about the world are too diverse to fit into one past. Sometimes I have no clue how I made it to university, or Germany or how I am still alive. On the one hand I know that my mind wants to identify with something and it tells stories over and over because it likes drama, I know "I" don´t exist... I also know that it was kind of fun to climb on the boats/ships at the port in winter with my retarded boyfriend his friends when I was 15... And all those drugaddicts... On my graduation picture Í´m wearing one of the clothing pieces from Julia. I´d really like to know what happened to Julia... Or actually... No, I don´t.

You know what? At least all this... Has lead here.  

 

 

 

[Anna Konstantaki]

Choices

The more time I investigate into finding out what is possible for me to experience, the more I am confronted with the question: Do you want to let go of suffering? It´s possible. Also, I kind of get the taste that I have the choise for doing the 10.000 or 20.000 whatever hours of work to get there and actually STAY there constantly but I don´t have many more other choises in the game of life. My state is a choise, the how of my being is my choise but all the rest is just the universe throwing situations in my way and my brain responding, solving problems... Before I have even gained awareness of it! (as far as I have heard at least).

Who pays?

The other thing I had to realize is that the one who pays all the time for the fuzz going on in my head, thought and emotion that would be, is the body. The ego weakens the very thing that makes it possible as a brain function outcome. From goose bumps, to heartrate and gut feeling, everything responds immediately to my thought and emotion. The body has already enough to do to balance things out with the environment but it´s being put under tremendous unnessecary stress by bla, bla and ever more bla... Monkey mind is really just pushing me towards a feedback loop between how I physicaly and mentaly feel and this loop has a tendensy, as it is so used to, become negative. It goes so far that sometimes, even though the memory knows there are ways to break this, it just does not want to. How stupid is that? Of course this is a homeostatic mechanism, acquired over years, it works for survival but not for full potential well being. It´s also an ego defense mechanism once one starts desolving that one... When there is no thought and actually  a peaceful or even more pleasant than that state, all the energy can finally be used where it is really needed. I think I can really say by now... Ego is so stupid/ "I" am so stupid. It backfires at itself with all tools available. It´s incredible.

 

 

 

 

[Anna Konstantaki]

names are temporary... forms are temporary... put this full screen, lay back and then YOU tell me... what´s going on? what is going on right now?

 

[Anna Konstantaki]

Here is an alternative title for last Sundays video: DJ Lion Guru and his new track "balance" featuring Santiago and the King of Egypt. #mixingboards...

I had a hard time accepting that I still have a long way to go for optimal balance but... No master ever fell from the sky... Right Leo?

 "shut up Anna, my ear is bleeding... #backfiring mechanisms..."

Now, let´s get happy everyone! Cute and cheezy music brought to you from MC YOGI! (Yes, I just stole JP Sears backgroud music...)

MC YOGI has a song in which he tells his life story called "Road home". It inspired me to look at all the ways you can go about making your life more sage like...

 

Edited February 8, 2017 by Anna Konstantaki
my english can still be very bad sometimes... :D

[Anna Konstantaki]

Sage like Life Version 1

(hardcore version) Ramana Maharshi style... Or Jesus? Buddha... That kind of guys...

Everyone calls you lazy, hates on you for years, you attain enlightenment and... Bliss out! 

Then you develop deep self mastery and become a teacher experiencing true worship from you drop out of nowhere disciples.

+ supermind or clear light whatchamacallit, perfection, edge of human experience and self mastery

- (highened mortality) bad finances and health, you won´t reach a really broad audience (unless your disciples do the marketing for you and create a youtube channel or somethin´), no paper written qualifications therefore no status in the mainstream sense (might stop many people from taking you serious)

Sage like life Version 2

making a living while nearby working on enlightenment, on deepening and making it constant. Doing research, gain insights and then write books (have you noticed how many sages are authors?!), maybe give seminars or do arts....

+ you will have a social presence, reach and inluence many, you will be able to consider the multiple perspectives that out of ongoing discussion with others you will have access to, your studies will materially supported, there will be room for all kinds of relationships if wished

- you will not have much time for really intense and close teaching (unless you get paid for it maybe), you will ahve to keep a sense or function of self and personality, you will be very surrounded by peoples suffering, your spiritual practises might suffer under your bussiness or family or whatever responsibilities, you will have to handle critics and competition 

Sage like life Version 3 

the scientist sage, life devotion to a double life where you study similar or very related but seemigly never unifiable aspects or functions of consciouness in a spiritual and a scientific context/understanding. Your bread and butter is both meditation and testing hypothesis... On the one hand you embrace the state of not knowing and on the other you constantly expore and try to understand what does not seem to be understandable. You get enlightened sometime between earning diplomes, writing and reading papers...

+ gaining an audience won´t be that hard (unless your theories are crappy), perspectival exchange will be an everyday phenomenon, you might actually discover something that might spark great change in the world or at least be qualitative considerable knowledge and food for thought for others... 

- you will be surrounded by  knowledgegraph phanatics, especially naive realists like no where else, you might get very stressed, you might understand the world but go crazy. Time will always be against you. You will be alone. The spiritual people will call you a materialist and the scientific people will call you a mystic... Well okay, who cares about that...

Okay, I´m tired... YOU tell me where the heck balance is supposed to be found in this opportunity mess.  

[Empty]

On 22/12/2016 at 1:38 PM, Anna Konstantaki said:

So what I keep from this is that moving towards a more spiritual life was inevitable in order to humanely become better,

 

Beautifully written!!

Edited February 8, 2017 by Empty

[Anna Konstantaki]

Potential

 Some months ago I was thinking about the enhancement of human senses [electricity enhanced seeing ( human became more night active and productive), same with television and the internet, microscopes and telescopes... Hearing was  enhanced  by getting all this information from afar, not just visually but sound guided, then of course there are headphones and telephones... Nothing new. Human senses were globaly expanded by mainly single mind developed technologies and the world never was the same again. I was wondering what the next step would be. What sense is it that we have not expanded yet?

What an idiot I was not to realize that scientists do not work on figuring out the human connectome, on mapping the brain just for tasting the knowledge. It´s all about the use. It is our very cognition they want to enhance... The very core of all senses. They are essentially trying to hack their own system and copy it as an unorganic version (Artificial Intelligence). After having figured out not just the human connectome and also the human genome... They will be playing creator. If we trust Michio Kakus predictions at least... (Unless... Consciousness destroyes their plans...). Unless consciousness is more than just a number of feedback loops...

So... This is the potential of figuring out consciousness... Scientists need it to create the perfect AI or... To complete a theory of everything or... To create cognitive enhancement. They will implant some chip, or manipulate genes before people get born... No matter if an enlightenment chip, pill or surgery, or glasses, or smartphone... Once the mechanics are put into equations, they will make the access to a state of well-being by no (at least egoic) thought an everyday comfort in a matter of time. Actually I don´t know if it scares me more if they make an AI or if they start manipulating our bodies... Oookaaay...

Artificial wisdom?

On the other hand... If people get rid of their suffering and achieve better well-being by this then... Fine. We might as well end in a world of modern sages... Unless... They do not care so much about enhancing us by creating well-being. Also: Who says there is a correlation between well being and compassionate action? We might as well end up in a world of zen devils ala mount hiei style! Shiiit... Or what... What if they do not care about well being and  manufacture a technology that will make us better thinkers, hyper focusing geniuses,  prodigies fall from the sky but without tasting the  pleasure of being... Sounds rather autistic or at least like a competition about who will come up with next scientific breakthrough or about who will breed the next generation that will create scientific breakthroughs? Or what if something goes wrong? Or what if it does not equal out in its functionality/result fluctuation? I think we should start asking ourselves if we can create artificial wisdom too and not just artificial intelligence, or if one can at least contain the other. 

 There might happen some sort of "update" for humanity. Even if  water, food, getting rid of trash, producing clothing and using transport etc gets automatized by robots and drones, if all humans can live out their geniuses by juggling around with abstract thoughts and flood the worlds labs etc the world will have its problems. There are lessons to be learned and experiences to be understood. Are we really too short of time to allow humans to build their own intelligence and wisdom by changing the god damn education systems or teaching them and their parents psychology and philosophy... Okay that is far fetched... Well, why would I get upset about this? I can very limitedly change the outside world. I have a mixing board to tune... If I could just decide what kind of song I want to play though... 

 

Edited February 8, 2017 by Anna Konstantaki

[Anna Konstantaki]

@Empty  ...