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[Anna Konstantaki]

paradoxes. so many paradoxes... wow

[Anna Konstantaki]

long day. filled day. energy day. 

in my head I´ve already told you everything. not about the day. just about everything I want to tell you.

I wanted to express my gratitude for having found actualized.org.

I can only say: first get "peaced". then get disciplined. works 100% of the time. for me.

the "worst" days are the best. Limitless growth.

I am happy. Who can I thank for this life? Thank YOU whatever. Thank you...

Good night. 

[Anna Konstantaki]

all this time I was a penguin pretending to be a crane

[Anna Konstantaki]

does the heart "say" things? does it "speak"?

[Anna Konstantaki]

I finally bought new colours and reworked my old painting...  

I could not start with my job this week because of some formalities-waiting for the office to tell me that they have what I need and then I´ll be able to start... Maybe better because I still have  assignments.

I relistened to the how society fucks you in the ass video yesterday... chimp career. society=amusement park for the ego, aims: achievement, power, progress, efficiency, status quo. But those are not my aims. truth is being, not doing. mainstream everything=unhealthy...

I don´t think I need to listen to "how to be a man", which got released today...  

  I realized I was projecting my own dishonesty about how much I, myself care about truth. It used to be my brother, who did not just care about the truth- he was obsessed with it. He´d spend sleepless nights thinking about certain things. I am not sure if he sparked my interest in truth or if he scared me with his lostness so that I  stopped questioning things too far... I can´t forget what once a really nice woman told us... "The truth is like a sphere, from whichever side you look at it, it looks nice to you." I don´t know who she was quoting (if). But that kinda sticked with me... Perspective is everything. 

If I said I am a liar and my authentic self is an artist and all this time I´ve just tried to motivate myself into studying in order to suck on societys titt, what then? If I am not a liar and I am really interested in all of this? Are the sources of motivation, whatever sparked the interest wrong? Can they? What about the meaning I give to my work? Does this matter, since I see beauty in my life eitherway? Is the problem what I do, or why I do it, or how I feel about it? I don´t think this gets a simple answer. This is nuanced, once again. 

I need to trace perspectives back to where they came from but then, paradoxicaly, detach from that source and see them for what they are objectively, either a virus in my system, or something usefull or at least harmless. It is however my own responsibilty to deal with them, since it is MY system they are inside. So, solving the problem is just solving the problem, there is nothing negative or positive about itself or who created it. But how did the filter not filter it out? There can be thousand reasons here but this is the juice of the work-preventing a re-catch, fighting the root. Pure head work. Goes along with awareness...

I have to say that my head does not feel the clearest today. Let´s end this here.

 

[Anna Konstantaki]

I just wanted to say that peaches aren´t nectarines. 

I just feel like fooling around a bit. You know... I´m tired of having a second apocalypse every few days... 

bit of clarity

I was strategizing towards my goal of minimalism yesterday and I am also so impressed by the fact that I can access clarity and peace right now. I don´t need to go to a special place, wear something special, eat something special... Of course many factors play into it but in general it´s all just a trap by...me. It´s a trap to say I can´t.  I am becoming a better general on this battle field, I know the oponent much better than I did. I still allow her to win sometimes but the limit of resources does not allow me to spend energy on every little battle. I know bad habits ruin life in the long run but I have my priorities since, even though I fall into doudts here and then, know what I want to do in life. So... Which battle will let me win the war? I am afraid I am fighting too many useless ones still. 

demonizing da bling bling

Another realization of mine is that since I never had much money, I started telling myself that I´m better of that way, looked at the rich or richer lifestyles faults and finaly never felt too comfortable among those people. It´s like those people who say how great it is to ride the bike only because they can´t afford a car... Of course having money does not mean that I need to spend it on crap but my subconscious however has labeled chasing money as bad. Why am I saying this? Because here´s the problem: A good general needs to build up reserves for the soldiers... I need money aside to live the life I want to live one day-even if it is very simple, even if it is not materialistic, I need some security and also the possibility to invest into maybe things that don´t directly affect me, or maybe I´ll have to help someone out whatever having too much money aside is always better than too little. Besides that, should I really take some time for a period to focus on arts only for funs sake or for business or even if I deside to live that more of yogi life plan I´ll need to live from something, I´ll again need a cushion. The next 4 to 5 years will eitherway just be spent with education(s), nearby jobs, strategizing and further self actualization. Not that learning stops after that but at my end twenties and start thirties I want to have overcome this cluelessness about the basics in life I still have. I want to master the basics, know myself and myself in context(s) in depth before I go for any shiny prize at all. In the end the best things I´ll ever do, are spiritual practises, I can´t lie on that one anymore... 

From a phaze of doudt, stories parallel to mine and freedom...

16.08.16

They have two dogs. Stahti ( aches) and Peyote (sort of cactus). They live in a house... A hutt. They have two grown and smart children, older than my brother and me and have been there since I can think... Even before the big greenhouse and the small orange house and the fish farm were built... When the  area was really just the middle of nothing. 

He lives there with his wife. It´s at the islands west coast, one driving hour from main town. It´s where my dad´s fields are and our house in which I spent the first six years of my life, then most weekends and vacations. I remember once when I was a child, their donkey escaped and came around our house... took a shit in the garden... and left again  

However, this man, he has been to America, when younger. Traveled as a stowaway with his dog... He has as well walked a whole island with his dog, wife and horse. But I don´t know much  about his youth, I only know that he is our neighbour and not like any of the people I personaly know.  

He has grey, puffy, sort of curly hair and a long beard... He is fit and healthy but only yesterday, I noticed, because conversation brought it, that he has only one and a half teeth. His wife is shining, glowing. She´s french, by the way... 

He knows a ton about botanics, he sells many different sorts of weeds and teas and spices at the market in town. He´s also got some ordinary fields. He loves plants. He says that plants are entities and he can talk about that for hours. He smokes spices here and again... 

I will never forget one time his daughter was around and said she was sleepy and he answered that she could fairytail (verb in this case), her sleep, (=so the sleep would go to sleep and leave her alone). That was just so unique and sweet.

Giannis, (John), was talking about self actualization. He was talking about spirituality. He was talking about those even though I am not sure if he even knew he was. It was not preachy, just a response to what I was saying.

He says he is watching his plants coexist in space and how they take it up, filling it, but still somehow leaving room for more of them. He talked about harvesting plants in all dimentions, that for him it´s not just about growing from the bottom up but left, right, upsidedown, over and diagonal... And he said that he liked to see how from a branch you make a field and from a tree you make a forest. He says that that´s his thing. 

You won´t get an excited reaction to something you find exciting yourself from him. It´s not that he does not understand it but moreso that he is sceptical about it, chewing it up, applying some criticism and honestly answering. It is not that he is not interested in science, he knows many things but they don´t really touch his life. There is something so innocent and natural but also rational about him. Like he is there with his senses. He would never stop a good conversation in order to do something else. His values are clearly set. 

My brother used to visit them once in a while and one time there was this mans son there as well. My brother does never say things like this but he said something like "His eyes are like the sea/contain the sea". He has indeed, reached some other  level I believe... I remember him very well from the few times I have seen him. Now I actually see how he has clearly gone through the stages of development. After school he tried himself at some natural science, I think it was physics but he dropped out, maybe not only for that reason but mainly because he wanted to make jewerly and
live from selling that. He loves doing that. So he went to full blown stage green for a while. Whatever stage however, the memories I have from him in whichever age are that he was very silent and quiet. He is very nice to talk to now, I ´ve heard. 

Back to the father... He told me that books are good for guidance but we have to experience and practise by ourselves and he has made a self study of certain spiritual authors as I found out.

I wonder if these people did it right. Righter. Righter than me. They have found peace and fulfillment without money- they are rich. Their authentic selfs are shining through them. They have love in their hearts, they care... 
 

[Anna Konstantaki]

There is this movie. It´s called "Permanent vacation", from 1980. At the end the hero of the story is boarding on a ship to get away from Manhattan, where he grew up, to find a better home and meaning in life somewhere else-Paris I think... By the port, while boarding on the ship, he meets another young man, dressed similar to him, at his hight, weight and age, who just arrived. 

The whole scene had left me with that aftertaste that that better place and life  we search has nothing to do with outer space. We want something internally unconnotated to start over new, we want something that feels different in our head. Sure getting around has many lessons to teach but in the end it´s all a run from not doing the inner work. Now, staying with toxic people or at places with no future for your lifes goals is wrong too, but to think somewhere else we can be someone else for too long and not fall in our old minds traps if we don´t take care about finding them...

Needlesly to say, I talk about this because I feel the urge to get away. I tasted the strangers life a year ago when I did my erasmus and maybe it was lonely at times but it was the freedom for absolute vulnerability for the first time. Everything just melted away, everything. I mean, I was talking about myself in the third person, as "it" and everything looked so clear to me. I had this feeling that god or the universe or whatever bigger something was with me. I was as well experimenting with diet though, so maybe I was a little spaced out at times, like I got high... But it just felt good and from being depressed and lost and anxious I found safety in me. I had trust because I had no other choice. At that point I had almost zero contact to anyone I knew and it was that I either fuck of and die or do something with the rest of my time spent outside of class. It was the best, the best thing that ever happened to me. I was all I could be and I started healing rapidly from all the shit that was ruling my life before. Surrendering was like leaving, it was like getting out of the body even when walking sometimes. I had to painfully apply awareness to so many things for the first time but after doing so I could stick with it and I was just so astounded about what it means to be human, really as if I was experiencing it all for the very first time. I was alone but it was the best time of my life-seriously. 

Back here, I came back. The ego came back, the bad habits came back, my friends and my family got in touch with me again, I talk german again... I had completely melted into speaking english with myself and others there-my other selves had slowly left me. (Yes I know, this does not sound like oneness but I like to distinguish between how I am perceiving and acting in each of my languages). All I want is to go back to having only one suitcase of objects in my life, seeing the sunrise and being a stranger. Because by being free in this way I finally took responsibility about everything I was doing and I was doing it out of love and because I wanted to. The question is: Can´t all this become a reality for you here as well? Well, there is another proplem, namely that I was highly inspired by certain teachers and their teachings there. I´m a creator. I love being inspired. That´s like having sex to me. Like at some point I just wanted to open the professors head, rip the brain out and kiss it. My brother makes fun of me for these sapiosexual tendencies sometimes... I am here now whatever... So what can I do? Ah yes, go back to my responsibilities... And be patient... I know, I know...

Edited August 31, 2016 by Anna Konstantaki

[Anna Konstantaki]

Only because I don´t talk about the work I do all the time doesn´t mean I don´t do it... If I only liked myself when I accomplish work, then I´d have a problem. It´s enough that everyone wants to hear about how much shit one got done in a day or a week etc. This journal is for ME. A place for thoughts, mistakes and ideas without judgement, a place to practice unconditional love. 

This mind is walking in circles by the way... Not small circles but big ones-adding some information here and there but always flying around the same core questions. It feels like I am repeating myself over and over but it´s just a process of learning.

I just don´t have the time-or better-I do not want to spend my time with documenting everything... And who cares? Not even I do!  

Here´s a picture of a centaurus: <3

 

[Anna Konstantaki]

there is no meaning to our lives.

there is no meaning-it´s our responsibility to find/give it.

WE choose our life purpose.

that´s beautiful 

 

[Anna Konstantaki]

mind: crazy, drunk, stung monkey

journal of mind: ?

haaaaaa........

todays fulfillment level by the way:  /5

oh and I keep forgeting to mention how many cute people live on this planet 

oh and my problems are/or are all getting solved

oh and I trust and I have faith

oh and the most important... :LOVE, tons of love in my veiiiiiiiiiiiiins! 

 

[Anna Konstantaki]

Okay- I´m in! Hereby I commit to dedicating my life to answering some of these questions.

...But I´ll need some time to find out which exactly...

 

...

Even if you wanted to share "the nectar" of certain answers, in some, if not most cases that´s impossible. 

Sweet for me I guess but even sweeter if we could unite our consciouness... Why are the laws this way? 

... 

 

[Anna Konstantaki]

On 17.7.2016 at 10:12 AM, Anna Konstantaki said:

 Through teaching others we learn the best I´ve heard and I see how Gura is putting whatever new he has learned out there even if he has just discovered it and not necessarily mastered so that we can too.

Oh dear... I take that back!

[Anna Konstantaki]

actualized.org is one of those hand full of businesses that sell/appeal to the higher self, maybe not entirely yet but I see where it´s going... 

[Anna Konstantaki]

my life never gets boring

Here just a glimpse into it... Yesterday night I was first in town doing some flanery (ever mentioned that hobby before?) and philosophizing about several questions while wearing earbudds  (because  the city is like a forest if you cut of the noise) and then from there I went along the river/port root the parcour trainers buddy showed me to the Villa park (obviously called that way because of the beautiful high and big Villa there) practising some wall climbs and runs and a bit crawling and god knows all the terminology... I was really happy about how much my skills have improoved and everything was seamingly perfect untill I noticed my key missing... Nope, not the 2 euro coin or the lip balm or anything else my pockets contained but my freaking key. Now loosing this key is bad-it´s really bad because it´s a special key opening many more doors than just the door to my room... But how could that be when I didn´t even do rolls or anything upside down like that? Well, I got home and someone opened the main entrance and I wanted to go back for searching a second time by daylight. I´d get up really early to find it before somebody else does and did in no case want to sleep in someone elses room or knock my friends doors who think I´m out of town and I did not tell them I´m here because I have no time and I love being alone... So after a pretty uncomfortable night since I left the dorm without even a jacket I remembered that these deep pockets of the trousers I´m wearing could only loose something in a specific angle, namely that one when you lay somewhere on your back like a starfish. Ooooh. Stupid me layed down in the middle of a lawn to watch the stars for a while... So I went to that lawn this morning and guess what filled my heart with all gratitude of the world? My key! Also found someones USB cable but left it there... Now I´m at the library and I´m waiting for the headache to kick in. I am really motivated to continue my work. What a useless entry. Ciao. 

[misko55]

There are no useless entrys

[Anna Konstantaki]

Okay, I don´t know where my last post went but the three weeks are over so who cares. 

-Hi, I´m back. 

Oh, Leo became god? Oh that´s great. I have to check out lasts week vid still... See you.

[Anna Konstantaki]

7690

some reflections on the time that past

I have to say that after week1 of work was over, spent at an accommodation with no internet I checked into the journal and my first thought was:

What on earth is this? This is completely ridiculous. What have I been doing with my time?!

Then I was sick for a day and watched the first video on Leo´s 5 meO DMT experience and felt like throwing all work into a trash can again. I mean everything I have experienced yet isn´t even touching an experience this powerful and it looks like that I am a snail walking in circles, having some bad copy of a cola light version of a real coca cola or something like that.

... I never thought of drugs as technology by the way... What´s technology and what´s nature after all? Why do we put them next to each other as opposites so many times in the first place? So, anyone here who wants to dedicate his or her life to 5 meO DMT mass production? The world needs you! I´m kidding...

I can´t take anything seriously anymore, not me, not you. We really don´t function with logic. I could tell you about the job I did and the tons and tons of people I met and talked to but I am tired. All I can say is that I´ve been out on the streets in different cities with my team (yes, from pretty much human isolation I went to sharing everything 24/7) working for a company who gets payed for gaining fundraisers for big non profit organisations like Amnesty international, the WWF, World Vision, Care and the UNO refugeehelp. I got the pleasure to have the refugeehelp as my client even though, they´re all awesome I think. Here are some of the last words people I worked with told me:

Clemens: Lovely Anna, get home well and maybe we´ll see each other in the next campaign.

Herrmann: Yes, I wish you the same!

Malik: Get home well but I don´t hope to see you in the next campaign-you know why? I think you are way to nice for this job! 

Hmmm... 

Whatever-Here´s a song with nice lyrics that Clemens showed me:

Excuse me now, but I feel like I have to recover from some brain damage... My consciousness must be at the quality of that of Patrick Starfish or something like that at the moment. Let´s go raise that.  

 

 

 

 

[Anna Konstantaki]

769... (warning: the author is under the influence of the "I don´t give a fuck" virus)

I am not sure if I am messing with consciousness or if consciousness is messing with me.

If you trust the universe or god-however you want to call it- I mean... If you accomplish to fully trust it... Then be ware because at some point you will stop and say: Wait a second, what on earth did just happen? hahaha... The universe sent me a person yesterday. hehehe No-wrong, I think I was sent to the person... That is not even special, what´s special is how, when and how high the probabilities were that this exact person was like it was, had what it had, knew what it knew, had been were it had been and valued what it valued.

Leaving yesterday aside... I could start talking about today but I´d sound drunk and I am not even drunk. I actually thought I´d be on cold stimulant turkey today but quite the opposite... I was so high for no reason that I had to hold my laughter while walking on the street at some points. It was cold, cloudy and drizzly today, Germany in October-what to expect?-...and I sat at a park bench and watched a fountain... I just spent so much time doing that... I was not sleeping but I was not really doing something else either, I don´t know where I went. I am not sick. Is this stress recovery? What IS this? Before that I had problems governing myself, my head just keeps rolling to one of my shoulders... Walking was weird too. Must be my curcuit. Woke up in the middle of the night yesterday and started meditating-probably a bad decision... 

I was trying to strategize out the next weeks but timewisely it is just not working out. Yesterday I just took a day off and today I just could not deside what to prioritize and where to start from. Ahh yes and on Tuesday I had sort of a bad relapse and ate too many vegan coockies and stuff and spent all evening throwing up... Mmm... High consciouness... Nope. I´m sorry. I am at this point in my life where I look at leaves and the sky and I might start crying because it´s so beautiful. I really don´t know if I need even more sleep or a good psychiatrist or a meditation retreat or work. I have lost my brain for good. I really wanted to be a good, constant student of self development but if I said everything is under control I´d be lying. I feel awesome and burned out at the same time. Right now I don´t even want to do anything. I feel like hybernating over winter or something like that... I am sorry but I´m afraid I´m just another crazy someone who got lost on a forum.

warning: unexplained, non scientific bullcrap

I found some texts from about a year ago where I was experimenting with movement and dancing and talking about the states you get in and how to heal oneself and I felt strange because I replaced all the time I used to spend with that with meditation and studying self actualization. I generally don´t recognize myself anymore. I don´t know-I sort of don´t even exist. I used to have this theory about communication with the environment and manipulation-it was just something I was entertaining in my head. Now I think that when you become the environment all need to manipulate anything is gone. Once again the philosophy of: Not given to the one who wants to use it but to the one who just wants have it. Isn´t it nice how nature keeps its balance in this way? To allow people to experience god, to be god but to make sure that all ego and desire has died out first in order to protect all other perspectives. Haa... How disguisting and beautiful this esoteric sounding bullcrap is, right? What´s wrong with my arms now? They are so heavy... Haha

Hey I just realized that I like saying "experimenting". I always liked experimenting. I forgot to write about that terrible tooth ache I got two to three days before going to Berlin. I had to cancel my plans and go to the doc (thank god that problem with my insurance is solved now) and he gave me some anesthesia and stuff but since I usually don´t even take painkillers things looked quite funny to me... Before going there I spent around one day and one night with the nuances of the pain and I must say that meditation helped as long as concentration was strong, breathing techniques helped untill one was too exhausted and moving like posessed by demons did as always help a lot. When you concentrate on the pain you can transform it into some tingling sensasion in some other body part, in my case it would tend to go to the legs but then I´d have to move the legs and that would make concentrating on the toothache harder again and so on and so forth. In my desperation I tried another kind of experiment, namely to masturbate to the pain... Let´s not lie-I knew it would work. I mean, as a pain soothener... You can even get it to level zero by that but-just like the moving like possessed by demons technique it´s exhaustive after some time...

....

...Oh dear, one I´ll have to either delete or rename this account... 

[Anna Konstantaki]

7695

Okay, there is a possibility that 1/3 of my life is already over. Pretty creepy thought...

How long have I been watching Leo´s videos now? I discovered them around two years ago, started watching constantly around one and a half years ago and started taking massive action one year ago. = I still know absolutely nothing. Okay, I know a couple of things... But considered from where I started at and when... Well, considering that... I just have to be patient and keep going. Yesterday I found that old mp3 called "dream life" where Leo is talking about "grabing the wolf by the tounge" and that there will be nights where we´ll feel like coiling up in a fetal position and crying...

I might not be the body and I might not be the mind and I might not know what I existentialy am but I can still post smileys:

 

smileys... Just remembered what happened one day when I was working in Munich, feeling some exhaustion and I leaned against a big pillar with a poster on it and as I moved my head to the side and  looked a little closer at that poster, I noticed how someone had written a small "smile  " with a pen on it-really small and right next to my head. First I got really happy because I thought: Oh, how cute, then I thought: Oh, that person must be like me usually I-wait! That is my handwriting! I wrote that. We´ve been here some days ago for some hours asisting the other team... Karma is a nice thing, right?

goodnight

[Extreme Z7]

@Anna Konstantaki If you think you're life is ending, that probably means a new life is beginning.