Sonder

[Anna Konstantaki]

7583

It took over

It is weird to observe myself writing this journal of an in general (still?) enthousiastic young ego which looks at all these perspectives one can have on all these "things" one can spend time thinking about... As it adopts some, acts on them, throws them away  or forgets them, gets excited, gets angry, gets frustrated, feels loved, feels abandomed, finds meaning then shifts towards nihilism, dreams around and gets distracted, is aware for a while and then isn´t... contradicts itself... 

It is adorable and annoying at the same time, how this drifts into talking about the events of a humans everyday life rather than focusing on plane facts of what this human did in order to evolve into a new being. And this ego still suffers from not being able to choose what it wants to bleed  for the most in the current spacetime  life situation since it knows it will always miss out on something, or leave behind some ability untrained or some possible future unattained... The split between all the "me´s", all the cultures that influenced it, everything really, that ever shaped this ego and its desires and passions doesn´t even matter in the end since the perceiving Anna or whatshamacallit will never be more than transparent existence, like we all are/belong to anyways.

unclear-need clarification...

if the ego is illusory thoughts and there is no free will over thoughts, we always carry it or part of it around (depends on lifestyle)-untill we die-Unless is it possible to reprogramm the quality of thoughts, the content so much that all ego related ones are blocked out, deleted but that sounds rather absurd. It´s more about the perspective on the ego than the ego being somehow just gone, right? 

hi, it´s "me" and this is "Anna"

"Anna", the ego construct again, can make as many mistakes as she/it wants as long as she/it takes on the responsibility for doing them... There is no other way to play this game without distanciating from this character. There is no way to take high risks and be confident no matter what happens without saying that "Anna" is just some-body  people ascribe certain characteristics too, have memories with... "Anna" will fade away anyways. Anna can choose to be gone right now if she/it wants  because that is not what "I" am ("I" definitely don´t have much free will over her/it and the thoughts she/it brings). Anna can go now for a while and with some trying maybe even longer but Anna will be gone completely the very latest when the physical body won´t support this Anna-function anymore. 
Who knows? Maybe we can train being dead and paradoxically stay alive longer... Meditation seems to provide evidence for that... at least...

Choosing the postrational way to go is for sure the one that leaves the door to whatever things we don´t  know that we don´t know about open... Uncertainty is a source of suffering for those who worry and a source of hope for those  who... Hope. (and do. to support the probability of the manifestation of whatever nurtures this hope into reality).

(°  ^)

 

[Anna Konstantaki]

7584

Many, many aha moments, clicks, insights and ideas today... 

Too many to write about in depth now.

New motto: Go meta and feel betta´

 

I know what I want to do.

 

Wish me luck.

(°   °)

 

 

[Anna Konstantaki]

7585

dear all self actualization noobs... 

if you don´t just start at zero but even bellow, keep in mind that the heroes journey is much more heroic that way, that you´ll get a lot of power out of that extra struggle and  that you´ll be so proud and grateful one day...

Once you get somewhere better you will notice that certain people will instantly recognize your fighting nature and the rest... the rest will always be good food for the ego  each time you see their surprised faces when they get to know the background you come from... 

Lift yourself out of the shit-be self made. Oh and even though there is no such thing as destiny, keep in mind that there are coincidences and luck...  

The example with the life changing book was no coincidence by the way, right? Good luck with your book Leo... 

I´m doing my best to slow down by the way... And this day was a thing of beauty...

Sharing and explaining can wait... -acting can´t...

Let´s all walk our own ways but be on this journey together.

So much love... and patience!

~~an(^  ^)na~~

 

 

[Anna Konstantaki]

On 24.6.2016 at 8:06 PM, Anna Konstantaki said:

 

It is adorable and annoying at the same time, how this drifts into talking about the events of a humans everyday life rather than focusing on plane facts of what this human did in order to evolve into a new being.

How could this not be about my life? It´s  a journal. Plus, telling the same things over and over only to show  what one is working on is boring...

save the format #1

1. And by the way, let´s address a problem this journal is facing, namely that since it is an "all purpose journal" thoughts on spirituality are being mixed into other domains where spirituality is only needed in order to be in the right mindset but nothing more and that there is no focus on one, particular and clear thing... So I might need a new division of domains or a better title setting or some other system however. Ok, let´s do some better title setting and let´s ask more questions and (try to ) answer those.

2. Second problem is the overview in general because this corpus of text is getting very big and because I have not defined what I am trying to get out of this. I mean, I listed a couple of goals in the beginning and how it´s going but I need new ones and I need some structure in order to not get lost. My organization needs improvement. That is why I am making a list now...

3. Not nessecary . This journal is simply not necessary. It is the truth. BUT I have commited to writing it. I did not define how often so I give myself the freedom to update whenever I want to. You know... I can´t do things that don´t really help or make no sense. And it is hard to either write without filters and very likely create a text corpus of crap or to investigate so much into filtering and questioning and explaining this to oneself that one should be paid for it...

4. I feel like I always have to end my entry with (^  ^) or (°   °). There are several reasons I do that but I might stop marking every entry with it. Yes, it is strange to feel pressure on such details... But I am still weird, ok?

5. Borders. I need borders. I have been thinking of sharing more about my and other close or not to me peoples psychology and therefore expose even more of my private life and past but I don´t know where to draw the line yet... Let´s solve this one by saying that I am working on the deep Anna stuff offline and on the surface Anna basics and general life here. 

 

[Anna Konstantaki]

sharing time 

I just read this: http://www.quietrev.com/the-surprising-benefits-of-a-quiet-ego/ (but I am not sure if I completely understood what a quiet ego is).

Edited July 2, 2016 by Anna Konstantaki
My typos just amaze me sometimes... Once I wrote "relationshit" instead of "relationship"-no joke...

[Extreme Z7]

34 minutes ago, Anna Konstantaki said:

sharing time 

I just read this: http://www.quietrev.com/the-surprising-benefits-of-a-quiet-ego/ (but I am not sure if I completely understood what a quiet ego is).

Think of a dead chimp. . .


Apologies for the dark humor if you're not into that sort of stuff.

[Anna Konstantaki]

@Extreme Z7 

[Anna Konstantaki]

7595

self actualization:

• Definined my life purpose in a powerpoint presentation.
• Reminders working-staying on track

Very grateful. 

learning:

• Busy with exam preparation. Using https://ankiweb.net/about a lot for repetition and recall training

arts:

• Making memes of myself...

spirituality:

• Meditations... (outdoors, indoors, open/closed eyes, with/without music, thought observation/thought release, body and emotional awareness, sitting still/moving/mixing with dance, breathing techniques...)

emotional state:

• excited, motivated, energized

[Anna Konstantaki]

I just found out that I have a "which day of my life is it "calculation error...

Did not post anything these days...

but I am doing my thing... Slowly, consistantly, with love and patience.  

sharing time and I found this article http://consciouslifenews.com/pain-essential-personal-growth/1166657/which after reading leaves me with this "yea, that makes sense" feeling. Pain is such an interesting topic... I keep coming back to it each time I ask myself how to create balance in this life... 

on self actualization, pain, the brain... whatever...

I used to define myself a little bit through chaos the last years and I thought that is bad but now this chaos is like something I can look through, put aside, undestand, it stops being chaos with a bad sense, it starts becoming a beautiful, interesting, complex thing, just like the world itself.

Self actualization looks differet for everyone... My high yield technique might be a complete catastrophy for someone else. I just have to think of one of my past relationships with a guy who would sometimes just skip one, two, three days of sleeping... At that time I had no idea how this was even possible and not that I skip nights of sleeping now but stressing about time eats just as much energy as staying awake and playing out some passion against  some "need" isn´t wrong either. I don´t have to choose. I always thought that I have to choose between those lifestyles but it´s much more about creating a gut feeling and taking responsibility for whichever choices one made. Enjoy the moment or wait for delayed gratification-it´s a 24 hour game between those two... Unless you enjoy whatever you do... Which brings us back to the topic of pain again. I watched this documentary today about John von Neumann and at the end there was that guy  who said that some people say thinking is painful, others think it´s nessecary, some are addicted to it and that Johny just enjoyed thinking. That got ME thinking once again... But was Johny not just born with the same biology as us? How come that there is just this handfull of people who´s organ works so miraculously different/well? There is almost no day I don´t wonder about humans and brains and me and what we can do or can´t and why... It´s not making me loose peace of mind and I do as well not feel the urge to understand everything but I just love this subject...

"We know more about the orbital mechanics of distant binary stars then we do about the very mechanisms WE do use to know about them in the first place. Inner space is as mystirious and deep as outer space and of course between the two one does not even care if we do exist while the other... Well the other, IS us." (Micheal Stevens from Vsauce- Alzheimer´s and the Brain-episode from 02.07.2016)

Anyways, I´ll end this here because I need to go back studying because I have not finished yet after reading too many xkcd comics... http://xkcd.com/  I don´t regret distraction valley-I am human after all and I am bored of hate. I actually noticed that from being someone who used to be very mean to herself I have become really loving. That´s just priceless on its own.

emotional state 

I still have a ton of problems but I am slowly solving all of them. I see people who seem to have so much more opportunities or skills or things than me but it seems that I am happier than them or that I am feeling  at least as great as they do-it´s insane. I am surprised to see how people remember me no matter if I keep my mouth shut or talk all the time... It does not matter what my ranking in the wolves pack is, what matters is that I am accepted, respected and valued for who I am and from there I can go and do great things... Independently but... You know... Knowing that I have found "my people"...

arts

Oh and I got inspired for some art during meditation today. I hope I´ll find some time to at least make a sketch as long as I am motivated...

 

 

 

 

[Anna Konstantaki]

I have reached at the half of the video by this time and I am battling with my anger because even though I know that he is talking to the complete noobs here, he is telling me that I don´t want these things or do not know that I want them but in my case it is much more that I am afraid to tell the world that I want them. 

The other day I was writing exactly about the fact that my secret weapons, the ten things he is talking about which I am definitely working upon and touching here and there are what make me shine and attract people around me but if I revealed them to them, they would probably laugh about or downplay them... They do not know that they hate or ignore or neglect the very things that make them fall in love with me in the first place, that they can´t take from me something that is thin air, an open mind-thatwas my conclusion and then I wondered what I, myself could possibly be hating or ignoring that could make my own life better (but could not really find anything).

It almost hurts to watch this because I have a hard time to motivate myself to work upon getting money, success,  relationships etc. because I do deep down know that do not really want them and what I really want are these ten things... I always tend to say that it is possible to hunt both the mainstream shit that will make me be less of a dropout in the eyes of the others and help me pay bills and have a job and friends and all that in the 21st century and what brings equoanimity. Now you will say, but Anna didn´t you just say you want to study cognitive neuroscience? So you want knowledge! You do not primarily strategize on the big 10. Yes, but my dream is much more of the feeling I would have every day learning and looking at things with all their magic, the process of starting over somewhere where I can let my absolutely authentic self roam childishly around without having constructed a someone I am already which I have to maintain in order to prevent people from thinking I have lost my sanity- it´s a bigger plan- including more than just being interested in learning and researching a particular thing. I have to admit that an aspect of me feels like god sometimes because some of the very things Leo is talking about... Well, I have them, have had them or I do exactly know how to get them. There is nothing in the way of my luck. Even though I am scared to tell people that I want these but I know myself well enough that I am not too much of a coward to get them in the long run. I have thought of strategy but I needed someone to encourage me and tell me that it is not only fine to just stray for that but secretly or unconciously everyone wants them. (So... Thanks...But Leo, you don´t need to be so provoking).

clarity!

When he said what I would wish for if a geenee appeared with three wishes for me in the start of the video I instantly thought of a way of feeling. I would wish for certain feelings. Maybe just some months ago I would had blindly forgotten about the deeper, inner wishes, which are ways of being and feeling but it´s  crystal clear to me now. 

not THAT developed yet...

Now, let´s not try to seem superior here... I keep falling back into the matrix and my desires go down the road of what most people want again and again. What my plan is to kind of pretend I am like the others until I have enough independence to just focus on my ten little thingies... That would be the ultimate freedom and that is my dream, a huge, gigantic part of my life purpose and I am not sure about many things in this life but this is something I am completely sure about.

wasn´t born wise after all...

I actually have a story for each behind realizing that I want  these. But telling stories would eat up too much time... Fact is that I have been lucky to meet people who are extraordinary and that I was willing to search for what made them special and they seemed to feed of these ten things. With extraordinary I do not mean rich or successfull by the way...

but... how?-guess not now...

If I started now only focusing on the ten things my life would be wonderful until my bankaccount would be empty. Then maybe all the people who fall in love with me would have pity and take care of me but that would cost part, if not all of my freedom. It would be a situation of like... "Oh, look at this cute dog, can we keep her?" I have thought of this a million times. The sacrafice is to kind of stay in the matrix, hold the breath and then, as I have mentioned before go live with almost nothing, freely in magic, looking at things like a blank page, being a blank page oneself.

what I call "the controled switch problem"

What I am practising is the fucking switch. For years now I fail at the switch. The switch of almost empty, unconnotated gazing and the feeling of knowing that there is nothing to know, absolute nothing (which after its ecstacy would leave me with the awareness of death and dying around the corner sometimes but anyways...) and then on the other side the complete loss in thought, detail, analysis and my response, my trial for eloquent talk, descriptions, observations, making a game of questions (which is what gets one economicaly and socially somewhere). I am splitted, you get that? And there is no free will. I can´t escape for long. Or why do you think that I am doing parkour? One reason is that I am running from this and I am free and practising those ten while I can just be in the moment in an environment that looks as if I am seeing for the first time, maybe not unconnotated but it comes close to that. I need a place where I do not need to have a political opinion or where the dying of the oceans or the starving of children is a fart ten miles away and does not matter... It´s the problem of my life. First I thought I have to choose between the spiritual creature and the scientist and the artist and whatsonot-now I know I do not have to choose between these functions and perspectives (even though it makes sense to go with what makes you happier but none has won the battle yet) but I have the switch problem of not being able of getting from one phase and view with a finger snip to the other in an every day routine. I am everything and it is making me feel so special because others can´t see or feel what I do but it is a curse because I am painfully running between aspects of me and feeding them in order to keep a balance and it feels like dying and resurrecting on a daily basis (well in an ideal day where I have time to give attention to all of these)-I really can´t put it any other way. I will always need more time than the others and I will never be excellent at one thing because I am more things, I am all these things. 

 

pff whatever... I confused myself again... I´ll watch the rest of the video now...

[Anna Konstantaki]

eh... somewhere in space and time?

...oh damn...

this is so much harder than I expected...

...

...chimpy confused... 

...

(x  x)

ok chimpy do meditation THEN go sleep 

-OK... 

 

[Anna Konstantaki]

Sorry but my internet at home and the WiFi at uni are both not working for some reason but it should be fixed by tomorrow+There´s so much I have to say!

[Anna Konstantaki]

This is not what I wanted initially to talk about but I´ll share it anyways. Maybe there are some people out there who can relate and for me it´s good as well to remember and see where I was and where I´m at in this journey trying to understand (my/human) psychology...

 

I was trying to get through these two bars with a jump from just one side down obstacle and I had basicaly 
no idea what I was doing so I crashed into the lower bar in some way. And then I heard that voice 
from my right side saying these words loud and clearly:
"But WHY?! ...WHY Anna?-Why are you doing these things all the time?". (Not the only thing I messed up that session)
There was no anger in this voice, there was something else, there was complaint, there was dispaire, 
there was concern/worry, almost pain. My head had turned to his side and until he finished the sentense from
being where he was he somehow was now standing right next to me. I was so surprised about this utterance,
I must have gotten a memory gap there. I had to answer so I said, in a natural, quite calm and sweet tone 
that I had to try it and that I know my limits. "We saw that", he said. But that was not what I meant,
so I added: I know my pain limits. Then he looked at me with his emotionaly charged face and his eyes wide opened and said 
that "This can become much more painful than you estimate". His reaction, this incidence surprised me. 
I always thought that I should watch what I do in order not to stress anyone with any injuries (and because doing this sport with my expired card and therefore useless health insurance[the solution of this problem is in progress by the way] is crazy in the first place)  but it never crossed 
my mind that my behavior was so hard to watch... That I was not hurting me but others too, in a sense. 
I was not conscious of how my (looks like still existent) lack of self love and respect was still manifesting itself in my actions and 
choices. This was a huge lesson because WHY? WHY was I doing this? Not a 100% there, never having done this,
without getting advice from anyone? Was I "lebensmüde"= "tired of living/to live"? Was a part of me deep down 
still wishing to die? Still numb? Searching kicks? 
Setting goals too high, trying to do impossible things, hurting me? Maybe I am at a very different stage than I thought  but at least now, I know where this all comes from.

Life lessons:

1. One is that I act as if I am alone in the world and I have to 
do everything by myself instead of getting help, advice and guidance.

2. My conception of reality is still distorted. Not only do I miscalculate my abilities and powers but also
how people perceive me or how people can be nice and caring. That not everyone gets mad when there is a problem,
that there are so many other ways people can express their worry and that they actually DO worry in the first place even
if they don´t know much about me or are related or owe me something.

3. My megalomania. Not a big thing, not a thing for me. Not a new thing, not a special thing, not an impossible 
thing, not a thing for Anna. 

4. Always saying "I can take this, I can take that and that and that-I can take everything". It´s putting my 
luck to the test. Saying hey, life has been punching all those years so a small fall from the gymnastic bar can´t
hurt me, I have nothing to loose, I have overcome x, y, z but it is never enough because new problems appear and it seems to have no end.

5. I still can´t deal with the fact that good and nice men, healthy relationships, non profit, 
that the good side of the world exists. I still have problems handling people being nice to me, I always 
expect the worst. 

6. That others might have never experienced the hate I have felt towards myself because of how I 
learned to treat me, that others might be puzzled to see that what I consider as normal and healed as something 
very different and that it might in fact still be abusive.

7. It might sound stupid but I have rights. That I have rights. I grew up with this notion that I have almost no
or no rights. I was made to feel that there is no place for me, that I am somewhere deep down unwanted and I 
better be very quiet and small in order to not bother anyone. I used to be ashamed for everything, 
I think I must had been ashamed for just being there, at places rather than nature and my home I would always
and constantly ask myself if I even had the right to be there. Furthermore I was made to feel that my existence
was useless and no matter what I do, I am not enough because the only way to be enough would be to accomplish 
something superhuman, to be perfect, maybe then I would be accepted by my parents, for who I am.

8. I was unaware. I was not aware of this. Maybe my subconscious was doing this on purpose. Maybe I actually AM 
an attention seeker and maybe after all, it makes a lot of sense. I and my needs and interests have been 
ignored quite a lot in the past so maybe now that I had the opportunity to act out like I wanted in a new 
environment, it was all coming to the surface, maybe this is like saying: Hey, I am here as well! Look!
I do this and it works, I do that and...it doesn´t but I am getting up again-look how strong I am-look!
It might be time to say that it is fine to be that person. That maybe having made somebody stand up and say a sentense to me is ok, that
it did not cost him that much energy or time, that I do actually diserve a bit of attention, that it is ok that I learn 
these lessons so late, better than never.

9. I have nothing to proove. What am I trying to demonstrate myself through this? Don´t I trust myself that I can 
slowly build any ability I want? Do I have to proove something to anyone? Am I not already great without doing this?
Anna diserves love no matter how much she tries or fails and in what.

10. I have to give up the labrat mentality. I treat myself like a labrat, an experiment, I just try out things
for the fun of it, I don´t take it all too serious but it is time to say that only because I am here and alive
and this thing called life is not over, I don´t need to let my health that much to chance and play with fortune
only because at times I feel so fucked up already. 

[Anna Konstantaki]

I was thinking about the model of psychological evolution by Claire Graves these days...

We are all on board with our journey up the development scale and it is interesting to see how Gura is evolving more and more to stage yellow and even trying to push himself and us into turqoise... Through teaching others we learn the best I´ve heard and I see how Gura is putting whatever new he has learned out there even if he has just discovered it and not necessarily mastered so that we can too. 

Putting myself into percentages of development stages is such a harder task than I thought... Even though I did not come up with a very clear picture of me or anyone else, I at least got to look at people and especially my parents a little differently because in the end of the day they have just the same potential I have to evolve and I did big progress in a relatively short period of time. They just lack the understanding of psychology in order to stop being stuck, they just lack the resources and are tired, they secretly gave up somewhere in the middle of their lives but they are open minded, after all and maybe I can still teach them something, give them some love since I keep discovering that patience, peace and love, as hippy like it might sound is the solution to being stuck and feeling like shit, which is then what makes people go around searching for distraction etc...

[Anna Konstantaki]

On 10.7.2016 at 1:41 PM, Anna Konstantaki said:

It almost hurts to watch this because I have a hard time to motivate myself to work upon getting money, success,  relationships etc. 

That´s what the new video made me think of... Ah, how could I not see this before? Of course my struggle with motivation is linked to the fact that I am at this point in my life where I am discovering that happiness can be unconditional, so working upon whatever other goal linked to sucess feels wrong and brings me back to "carrots and sticks patterns", which I exactly feel to be so wrong. 

"Trust that motivation will come back to you". At least this sentence makes me feel more safe going that path of not loosing my good state of mind, of letting unconditional happiness become real one day. 

I am baffeled either way the whole time about how wrong I have been about the world all these years and I am happy to have been wrong about reality, oh I can´t tell you how happy I am about that.  

It makes so much sense to start from inside oneself, to start from oneself in order to find fulfillment-how can we all be so blind and confused all this time and not see our potential? Our potential for feeling great all the time even if how, where and with who we live is chaotic.

Feeling good all the time is by the way one the things I included in my life purpose list. (But as we learned today, it´s just a list-even checking off everything on the list can´t make me happy if I attach conditions to it... )  

[Anna Konstantaki]

so simple, still somehow hard to grasp...

this guy has something almost uncanny about him- do you agree? + his website is very cool but ain´t got money for that shit  

[Anna Konstantaki]

   lonely => l  -one-  ly  =>one 

...or...

lonelyness => l- on(e)ly -ness => l- onely  -ness => onely =>one

...or... 

we could transform alone to all-one...

 ...have a creative day ... 

 

[Anna Konstantaki]

(7616[corrected])

...listening to music during work...

(lyrics from: 30 Seconds To mars- Album: A Beautiful Lie 2005-song: The Story)

I've been thinking of everything
I used to want to be
I've been thinking of everything
Of me, of you and me

This is the story of my life
These are the lies I have created

This is the story of my life
These are the lies I have created

I'm in the middle of nothing
And it's where I want to be
I'm at the bottom of everything
And I finally start to leave

This is the story of my life
These are the lies I have created

This is the story of my life
These are the lies I have created
I created

And I swear to god
I've found myself
In the end

And I swear to god
I've found myself
In the end

And I swear to god
I've found myself
In the end (In the end)

And I swear to god
I've found myself
In the end (In the end, in the end)

This is the story of my life
These are the lies I have created

This is the story of my life
These are the lies I have created (I created)

This is the story of my life
These are the lies I have created

[Anna Konstantaki]

7617

Wrong! I got it all wrong! Wrong, wrong, wrong! Started reading Aylas awakening starter kit yesterday by the way... Wish had seen that one earlier... I think I will end the torture at this desk now... I need to clear my head first... I don´t know... On certain days you got to switch the order in which you complete your tasks. It´s one of those... 

[Extreme Z7]

8 hours ago, Anna Konstantaki said:

7617

Wrong! I got it all wrong! Wrong, wrong, wrong! Started reading Aylas awakening starter kit yesterday by the way... Wish had seen that one earlier... I think I will end the torture at this desk now... I need to clear my head first... I don´t know... On certain days you got to switch the order in which you complete your tasks. It´s one of those... 

What? What's going on? What is this?

Edited July 22, 2016 by Extreme Z7