Sonder

[Anna Konstantaki]

7574

What an intense time. Sunday i.e. yesterday, i.e. the 7573rd day of this crazy life things looked good... Untill I wanted to meditate... But fell asleep after maybe 5 or 10 min... And woke up and did something else and somehow everything ballooned into a small breakdown consisting of neurotic songs and thoughts and rage (got triggered by looking and overthinking about a photo from two years ago) and I found myself outside from 22:00- 24:00 something in the night... Did my meditation, silenced the mind, felt, thought, breathed... There is this artistic "cube" I´d say at campus. It is quite big-higher than me-that´s for sure... That is where I sat. And there was thunder and lightening... A slight drizzle here and then... And I counted 5 rabbits (every spring and partially summer there is a rabbit plague at campus-they show up at night alltogether...). When it started raining heavier I started running- but the rain got lighter quite quickly so by the time I was at the road I was walking again. I just wanted to wirte this in here because all in all I am still struggling to stay on this new path I chose for myself. Sometimes I still get high temparature (would happen really often in the past) and I know that it has absolutely nothing to do with a repsonse to something from the outside world, it´s all about what´s in my head. Going outside is just the best way to deal with it I´ve found (well, at least you don´t feel cold because you transform in an oven  ). There is no way I´d be able to sit down and meditate in this state while closed up in a room.

I had my first session with the student psychologist today.  Interestingly I cried-but not the sobbing crying-just the tearing one. Towards the end he asked if I don´t consider doing a therapy to talk about all the shit that happened. I like it that he said Mist=shit. I mentioned actualized.org along the way since I had to explain how I got "over the hill" and he didn´t know it... Anyways, I was really scared that I´d not be able to talk or that even if I would, he would not believe me but since my emotions overran me quite quickly it all came out rather naturally... I even told him that funny story with my brother freshly released by the psychiarty and medicated into a zombie being forced by my parents to take drivers lessons so that they have something to say if people ask what he´s doing. Still have to laugh about that one... 

Oh yes... The new video on morality... Well, my head exploded. Ok, it did not explode but there is so much to say that I´d rather say nothing. Ok, ok... Well, I took no notes so I don´t remember much... It is good that he mentioned  that one has to consider the point at which one stands in the journey of development  before dropping all should´s since some people would really just start murdering and stealing and raping and god knows what... And yea... It is easy to use this should dropping mentality as an excuse to sit around and refuse all the smaller and bigger pains that growth includes... I see what he means with the authentic motivation. It is really a key concept. I experienced this first hand with nutrition. First it was plain resistance but now it comes effortlessly, my cravings for something unhealthy have become astonishingly rare. I wish this was in all domains of life but in most of my other practises it is still a back and forth between wanting it myself and just going to do it and on the other hand seeing it on my checklist and feeling heavy, saying that I should and if I don´t x,y,z will happen... Or not... In  the end I am still searching for the balance between pushing and bringing my mind in a state where it needs no push but does it by itself. I was thinking that morality is not just about MY feelings and actions but about the ones in contact with me as well. I might have such a free mind that I could imagine a polyamorous relationship (just an example)... What about the others? Well most people I know would die of jealousy by just the thought of it. Here we go again... Responsibility. And by the way... When I was doing my illusory thoughts exersice most of the thoughts I had were "should statements". So I touched a little on this before but having to flip it all over and say the opposite-well, that´s new... 

may the long time sunshine upon you...  

(^  ^)

 

[Anna Konstantaki]

7576

very unstable

I don´t say everything  I do. I don´t do everything I say. I have not meditated yet today. I could tell you about "dupstep bird" now but that would be plain distraction. I need to go to an office again and I am procrastinating it. Talking, explaining my past to others just robbs me of energy. Leaving apart the difficulty of starting this day-once out the door things look much better. I have this feeling that it is all extremes I still go through. One week I am in the here and now and nothing and everything and the other I am lost somewhere in yesterday and tomorrow... It is a back and forth. 

what now?

I was thinking about my goals, which I knew that are not real goals right from the start (the goal setting MP3 has past my ears a thousand times)... Maybe if I make these bigger I will find more motivation. Maybe...  But there are things I can barely plan right now... Or calculate. It would be just for the near future, not for years. I´ll sit  down next days sometime to see what I can do there... I like spreading hope, I like the idea of the heroes journey but since it has never been all butterflies it is not all butterflies and it might never be. I´ve got a window for complaining here. I got this little recognition for surviving the past years on Monday and now my ego wants more of it. It is just a desire though and it will pass just like the others. 

long live neuroplasticity!

I don´t know. I was wrong. I thought people gain strength in time but that is rather wrong, it is much more that we become more flexible. It is like with the body. Having a hard muscle means nothing, it is rather useless-what is  usefull is being like a rubber band. Same thing with the mind. If you can bend and stretch and throw out trash or arrange something new-if you can re-programm its function you can handle whatever life throws at you. That is self develoment and  what it trains in general (for me). Hey what would you choose if you had the choice between having a computer and knowing how to build a computer (let´s say all computerswould disappear for some reason. And don´t say having because you´d sell it for a fortune...).

Oh,I could tell you all the awesome and funny things I learned over the past days but... I won´t. Gotta work. Wanna work. 

Ciao

(^  ^)

 

 

[Anna Konstantaki]

7578

sample of questions my mind randomly spits out 

Why would I motivate myself with the idea of presenting all I got done each day in a journal? That is inauthentic motivation. Do I have to rate information now and sort out whatever is not in alignment with my values? Is life really that short? Is time that limited? What will I regret on my deathbed? Which way to choose, since taking a bit of everything is about to make me fail again? Is my ego taking over (again)? Were all the feelgood states of mind I had during the end of my stay in the Netherlands just a by product of passive smoking in my student dorm? Or was I just too undercarbed? Or was it my brain changing through the new environment? Or just my euphoria after the dip, my recovery with actualized.org binge watch? Will I ever feel this way again? How much does ground cost? Where exactly am I going to live when my studies will be finally over? Not believe in anything that is not true? How can we even know? Does my ego only like knowledge because it wants to be labeled smart? Does my ego only like art because I had positive experiences with it from early on? Suffer just a bit by meditation to then shine around even though my life is still a mess? What is my tricky mind doing again? How do the others perceive me? How am I really acting? When was the last time I looked at my actualized notes? Or the last time I watched more than just the weekly episode? Why am I so unconcious again?

uh-oh... 

Just like the metereologists do observations and predict the weather I could take a closer look at my life and do some predictions... But what I might find might mean that I need to change a bunch of things again. A bunch. Of things...

I just want to be ok.

This sentence sounds rather harmless. But it is actually terrible I just found. It is a mindset I fall into again and again. Not only does it usually not help much since it indicates nothing but the fact one is not in a good state but it is rather a complaint about reality on the one hand and the ego´s victim mentality saying: Oh look at poor me that has had it so hard all this time but I am so humble-all I want is to be ok (I am as well angry at life and very jealous of the ones around me that "are ok") on the other... So I guess I better say: Don´t feel guilt for wanting more than just being ok. Don´t find excuses for not working upon it. Don´t loose gratitude only because you want to feel better. Don´t say you don´t deserve or it is not possible to be more than ok-don´t limit yourself. Don´t just want to be ok. I admit-there is a problem. I accept reality. But I don´t just want to be ok. There is no motivation in "I just want to be ok". I just want to be ok came out of surviving and not growing. It is unstrategized, unconscious and non purposefull. This phrase is self actualization suicide actually...

Yes, I wrote this entry without knowing what I would write about... Just pulled this out of my ass.  How did you know?- You are very smart. 

Last Monday I accidentaly left my things in the males changing rooms at the sports center. But it was really early so nobody was there and nobody noticed... Except for me who came back to the female ones wondering who ubducted my shoes and why my keys were saying 633 when all there was is 700-1200 or something like that. Just hilarious-made my day.

(^  ^)

 

[Anna Konstantaki]

it´s past midnight... (7579)

being "someone"

You know your ego has some charisma and personality when your friends explicitly try to convince you to come with them for a drink to town and say:  "Without you it is boring"... I said no. I want to get up early tomorrow. (Or at least not with the feeling that I wasted time). 

part of my egos artistic side

It is weird to watch a show when in the past it was you who did the show. You know what the artists do backstage. How they run around to change their clothes or find the hairspray... How you wait backstage and know which act is out there by the music-you count the minutes... How the light on stage is rather blinding and hot or how it feels like to make a mistake at a point where you usually never do one or when it is over and people applaud and gratulate each other, how it feels like to identify more with something. You know it was all worth it, no matter how it went... In the end, it could be you on that stage, the team could be yours, just like the anxiety and the sweat... And the passion. But this applies generally in life. You can be the one who does or the one who reacts, judges, gets entertained, or not... But even if you are not out there. You still just want to be seen. Just be you and express yourself. I am thinking back to my last year in highschool, when my brother was not at home so I transformed his room into a dancing studio as much as I could (since there was no money for further classes). The computer was in that room, so was the internet, so was the music and the speakers... And I remember training there for hours at the weekend to forget the world, I remember trying out all kinds of genres and all kinds of music and that last exhausted hour of the  weekday that I had to spend back there in that cold room (in that year my parents decided to not buy heating oil in order to save money...). I remember exhaustion and feeling like throwing up sometimes. I remember the breakdancer we met on Kos who said: This girl can dance! Many more similar incidents happened since then... I remember using the reflection of the window as a mirror or using this rather small mirror to see what I am doing and it broke one day because I´d change its position quite a lot... Then I´d use the biggest broken piece. The worst thing was that I knew I could not train all day and I knew that with no money I go nowhere and nobody knew anything. It was one of my secret broken dreams. Now, I lost the perfect body, I lost my flexibility and my drill. I lost the ability to move and during the move to be moves ahead, I lost the 3D model of me doing something and then being able to exactly do that (even though I don´t need to be ahead when in flow state because then things just happen). I lost my stamina... I was insecure and shy back then but dancing was the one thing I knew I was good at and that gave me strength and confidence. The confidence my parents could never give me. This was instant gratification. Not just studying and bringing home grades for which in the end if great or terrible only anxiety would be the result. A good chunk of me feeds of this and made me who I am. It was a matter of time untill my mouth catched up with my moves. I  am not like the others, not like most. When egoless it does not matter because we are all just presence but when I have to present myself build on my stories and this is one of them. Anyways, I am living in the past thinking of this. 

what I want to say

I know that I can love something I did not love before.  I know I can develop passion for anything. I know how much one is willing to give if there is passion. I know how purpose keeps you alive and makes you go beyond what you would normally do. I do as well know that every single dream is just an idea, a thought and if it crashes or gets no chance you don´t die and that after some time you might see why it might be  better that it did not work. This was like wanting to study psychology and not getting the grades and many other examples. Just as painfull. And there is always a lack of something, either time or money or both or faith from others or faith from yourself. Life had many, many dissappointments and I still have problems motivating myself to do anything sometimes because I really, really don´t want more of those, even if they made me learn a ton of things...

meditation

I was meditating yesterday. I had this thought that no and absolutely no thing brings more happiness than practising this. No painting or dancing or parkour or thinking or talking, learning... I am almost afraid that a yogis job is actually of the best on this planet. You can have no legs and arms but meditation is something you can do. You can have no money, you can be homeless, you can be hungry or even nacked... Not only can you do meditation nomatter how old you are but you can do it anywhere and anytime and it works. If you do it.

(^  ^)

 

[Anna Konstantaki]

7580

The new video was motivating to continue (meditation for beginners).

I am glad I´ve sticked to the habit so far.

I am grateful to be here. 

~~~~~Love~~~~~

(^  ^)

[Anna Konstantaki]

7581

I´m excited. let´s kick ass to save my ass.

Let´s do this!

(^  ^)

[Anna Konstantaki]

7582

(^  ^)

[99th_monkey]

22 minutes ago, Anna Konstantaki said:

7582

(^  ^)

[Anna Konstantaki]

7583 

 

I did my best.

...Enough for today...

!Thank you-thank you-thank you!

~~peace~~

(^  ^)

[Extreme Z7]

11 hours ago, Anna Konstantaki said:

7583 

 

I did my best.

...Enough for today...

!Thank you-thank you-thank you!

~~peace~~

(^  ^)

@Anna Konstantaki Where's the fireworks?

Edited June 16, 2016 by Extreme Z7

[Anna Konstantaki]

Where? That is an excellent question...  I´d say, in my head?

[Anna Konstantaki]

7585

The weather is going crazy and that makes plans and moods swing around all the time, exspecially for me, who is
trying to spend some time outside every day. 

I just started a no videos challenge, in order to maximize the time for other things. I might watch the new episode 
of actualized.org on Sunday though... 

I am starting to see how my life has transformed into a constant straying for staying positive and motivated because 
otherwise I can´t achieve a thing and I can´t make any difference in the mass of rather unsatisfied or secretly or openly pissed off
and stressed people.

I am waiting to see if I landed that job for September. I´ll know that next days but I think I got some good cards and count to the better
of my competitors...

According to my plans the upcoming week will be a challenge of willpower and 
this challenge indeed won´t end next week or the week after that but untill my ass gets located in that airplane to "home".
I keep saying this word but to be honest I consider this place here 
just as much as home as where I grew up. I just fall into some nostalgia sometimes. I don´t mind changing country again in
the future. Wherever circumstances that support survival are, there can be "home"... Even the "vacation", which I bet that
won´t be that much of a vacation will need some good strategizing in order to be sufferable but let´s just make it to some 
point before that first...

In order to make starting and mornings easier I want to go back to having more of a routine since being completely flexible 
about when to meditate or work or get out ect. ends up in chaos sooner or later-especially when keeping the overlook and 
staying conscious works only on some  days.

As for meditation I am just trying to mindfully put my awareness on certain things, then observe upcoming thoughts and 
feelings and to come back to nothing again and again. Some days I make a double session or do an hour, some days I am happy to just 
get in the 20 minutes, it varies alot... 

                                                                                                                    Ok, that´s it folks
                                                                                                               stay peaceful-stay calm 

[Anna Konstantaki]

7586

I have been using this habit building app for a while now-https://habitica.com/static/front-currently at level 17

Second day of my no videos challenge and I start to see how much input these videos actually are for my brain. I´d say it is hungry now... 

Except of facebook, old photos and music there are really no distractions left... Even though cutting them all out at once does not sound very wise to me...

I really wanted to do more exersice today but my muscles are just sore from Thursday. And I fell on my ass because my hands slipped from the bars and I still don´t have much strength to get over a wall or hold the perfect squat for too long but I don´t care because in general it is a whole lot of fun. 

I have not painted for ages because I only have this small canvas where I started something I am not very motivated to finish. And I always have some excuse for not having time. 

My work for uni seems like an endless mountain. That really takes away the motivation to even start. This was indeed last weeks biggest problem: The mornings. Starting. Somewhere.  Today I just tried to follow the programm I stuffed my calendar with. 

confession

If I don´t think of the past I am fine. And it was really hard to learn to live now and all that stuff. Maybe a therapy will be more energy draining than actually healing. I really don´t know. I just don´t want to end up dysfunctional or fall into some victim mentality. Even though... I think I have evolved to much to a badass to do that... For now I do not have any money anyways. And I don´t have my EHIC  card since I do only get that for 3 months each time untill it expires and they usually send it very late as well (and that would not happen if my parents were not poor and if the insurance company would not be able to just put people in higher categories where they need to pay more and if they can´t immediately do that they get into dept and then people like me get their card every thousand years as if the time consuming  burocracy is not enough already)... Even getting my own german health insurance would take money. How it got so far? Well, what I did not tell you is that the institution that gives me my money for studying/living turned out to not just need one signature but two... And well, not everyone is like that linguistics professor who trusted me to get in the missing points as soon as possible. To ensure that I was not able to attend my studies in normal time and get all the points I need an attest but to get an attest I need to have an insurance... The past weeks were covered with this underlying fear of having to starve before going back home (and what about the rent?). And I can´t tell this my parents-not only because there is a chance they won´t give me a cent (maybe they won´t have one  ) but because I don´t want to be shouted at for 3 weeks in a row. This is something I told the student psychologist as well, that I really want to be the role model for them, I want to do things different, better and right and not be-I know that sounds harsh-"a failiure" like them. I know it is all somewhat neurotic but it is something that kicked in with around 16 and it does not go away that easily. My mother can be really terrible. There is a good reason why each and every girlfriend that ever did a sleepover at our house said that they were scared of her. And they really just experienced the tip of the iceberg... I am just fucked. Just fucked up one more time. That is why I am going back and forth in my development. Because I am scared. And sad. Not depressed but sad. 

I guess in the worst case scenariö I´ll just have to ask "big daddy" for money. I mean, he even offered himself without me saying much. When he lost his face because of that psycho girl who sued him for criminal assault after a one night stand me and R. kept him company in the dorm and since we all three were wrecks in our own ways at the time we made up this sort of family thing. His life story is in general crazy and fucked up to a degree that one could and probably should write a book about it but the point is that this fact really gave us some common ground for talking and talking untill my brain would hurt... There is a lot I could say about this persona and why I distanciated more and more from him when I found actualized.org but it is getting late and the world is complex and when you want to describe something comlex you better take your time. 

I will not die-I will survive!

survival machine signing off-goodnight

peace

(^  ^)

 

 

[Extreme Z7]

@Anna Konstantaki How's your no videos challenge going? Personally for me, I just started meditating more. Yesterday, I meditated for 2 hours (Not consecutively, it was two 1 hour sessions.) And I pretty much let myself spend as much time on entertainment as my emotional self wanted to. I actually felt better inside than the times when I gave myself a "no ______ challenge".

But then again, people can be very different from each other. For example, I believe workaholism is a bigger issue in my life than entertainment time so maybe what works for me may not always work for you.

[Anna Konstantaki]

7587

@Extreme Z7 Mm... Yea, I guess I am not a workaholic or at least not in a sense like you are...
Well, how is it going? I found some other distractions but I am fine with that for the first days. I just wanted to do this challenge because I know I can stick to it well (I´ve done it before) and not only does it create time to like you do, for example, meditate but it is also a small feel good factor to know that you can make it without this kind of extra stimulation (and it gives an interesting insight to how my anchestors might have been feeling throughout a youtubeless life :P). 

In the end I do not even consider watching videos a bad habit since I am consciously choosing my content which is usually on the educational side of things. Let´s see when deprivation will kick in. Which brings us to the next topic...

thank you Leo for making me aware that all I need to apply is being aware

Another great episode today... And I don´t even need to proove this to myself working because I have seen it working here and there already. BUT I 
have not applied and definitely not consciously applied this to many things yet. So if I choose to apply this to my procrastination for example all I have to do is notice how terrible I feel during procrastination and how insane it is to not start something that not only I can dobut I can even have fun doing. It sounds simple but the mind is a tricky thing and it loves finding new ways getting around this thought and since it is not very trained, 
it keeps going uncoscious as well... That is why the journal is so important-to check if I stayed aware. Hmm... I think it is time for some new commitment at this point (but as before every commitment I am hesitating). But it looks like saying "I will study x hours every day",just like "I won´t check messages more than twice a day" or somethings like that are notwhat will solve my problems. I guess it sounds more like: I commit to journaling on my awareness about x,y,z. I commit to doing this in a non judgemental way while loving my sinnsto death. I commit to simple observation of my feelings and thoughts throughout the day,looking at the time I put into x,y,z and being aware of all the reasons I am or I am not 
spending my time on them. 

Ok... Well this sounds good so far. Now what is left is prioritizing and defining x,y,z...

(^  ^)

 

Edited June 19, 2016 by Anna Konstantaki

[Anna Konstantaki]

7588

(what I was thinking yesterday night on campus-yes, sometimes I take a walk to campus because it is so close to where I live...)

Mitsuku and bearbot 

My first encounter with a chatbot today was rather disappointing. It was so mediocre like most people. But it made me feel really
strange because it wanted to learn from me even though I wanted to learn from IT. It was like seeing how others must be feeling like when I ask them questions or try to show my interest in a subject. It made me think of how it must be like to be older,with more knowledge. How it maybe feels like to be a parent. Or a teacher.

It really made me see how I could teach things to myself by using it. It would really be nothing but a monologe with a programmed something, sorry-an AI (artificial intelligence) I mean... But is that really intelligence? In the end it was programmed to appear "emotional" enough to respond to my "you are only ones and zeros" with something like: "Hell, I´m not!"...

our own existence

I don´t know how to feel about the fact that who I met was not a real person. A person that won´t spend a second "thought" on me.
If it would though that would even be... Nothing but realizing differences and restrictions of both sides. There is something so nice to being... Organic. I have been complaining that all our physical needs put us in so much restriction and eat up so much time that we could use in other ways. But we have a body. We need it to alter and explore, to understand and learn, we need it to experience. A computer can not experience first hand,
can´t feel. Feeling, percieving, getting in touch with reality, observing a world where surroundings have commonalities with us,
that is what makes up our intelligence. The smartest people I know are all people who were or are in touch with (their) nature, reality, who have a sense of the governing rules of the universe because they watched them over and over and they don´t need to spend a second thought on what
is logic. They are connected. Most people loose connection, no matter how successful they are, actually most people never learn connection. They never see a matrix because they never observe the insanity of their and others actions. 

you are territory just like everything around

The brain and the body in general is such an amazing tool and in the end this masterpiece of organic technology with its spiritual, perceptual abilities is vulnerable, it IS sensitive. But we stuff it. Oh we learn to stuff it, our parents, our culture stuffs it by the very first day we start to be able to even use it a little more. How. On earth. Could we be so naive, ignorant and blind to expect us to function, to feel good without stimulation when we treat ourselves so careless? Maybe because we live in a world where survival means banknotes and banknotes mean that when you take the time to sit down and cultivate awareness you are wasting time, you are lazy. It looks like that we survive even without awareness, but heh...We really just survive... In a existence we can´t stand anymore without holding onto and craving the things we build in an endless circle of consumption that just can´t satisfy what we really need, which is peace of mind. The other stuff does not only not work for the individual or the country or continent, -no, it does not work for the planet as a whole.

capital to survive or...?

We constructed money to play god, you see... To prevent us from running out of what we need to survive like food and clothing and shelter. We tried to protect what we love from death. We tried anything to live longer and better. Maybe, just maybe even all these constructs that have led far beyond just creating the feeling of more safety by giving us the power to get things crucial for sustaining ourselves won´t help us to godly win over loss, death and unpleasant feelings. Maybe it is time to accept that we die eather way. No matter if we develop amazing technology while destroying the planet and therefore us or if we do the simplest work (and kinda die from that)... Whatever we do we pay some price, whatever we do, no matter how long we live, we can´t have everything and we can´t alter reality rather than our own perception. We try to avoid pain so much that in the long run we cause even more pain. Our thinking and our wishing for the outside world to not be how it is because there are these semantics we have ascribed to things like evil or painful have drilled into us the thinking that it is us against the world even though the world really just is. 

accepting the "end" of "things"

I used to be so concerned about animals and people and trees and yea... Everything. But what if it is ok that we die and the world dies, what if it really does not mean that I need to feel something about that. Why feel bad? Because I am here? What can I do? Well, feeling bad won´t help the situation, that is for sure. I can try to act in a way that limits suffering, I can try to prevent damage and protect what I have, restore what has been destroyed but I can´t change reality. I can´t. I can only thank, do and wait. And hope that MY death will be peaceful, after all...

see you later or tomorrow (ain´t that the same?)

cherrub

(^  ^)

[Anna Konstantaki]

quick update-(same day)

Guess who got a job around end of August ´till end of September? Me! Thinking of the fact that we were around 17 people in there and the guy said he would choose 7, I did well I think... I mean, he kind of played us out on each other... And I made him laugh... But I knew what they wanted... He caught up all signals. But let´s not analyze this... The thing is that I still need a financial fix untill getting there... I contacted this woman that still owes me money (well actually she owes me what my mom owes to one of my aunts- even though I owe it now because my mom had lent it for me without telling me when I started my life in Germany)- (another complicated story-ayayay... everything so complicated...  -we are friends-maybe she won´t have much left but if I tell her how bad things look like she´ll definitely not leave me in the rain= paying part of the rent and definitely not starving-yey?... yey! If that won´t work I got plan B and C...).

fuck therapy?

(distant future thoughts). Looks like that self actualization resembles or is definitely a big part of behavioral psychotherapy, which is the only kind that I would consider as helpful in my situation but to be honest I think I have reached a level where I would say that I do not even need that. I think that actualized.org is therapeutic enough and I just now came to realize once more that if someone wants to get better then this page is definitely a goldmine to do so and even though I don´t want to make many compliments and thank Leo a thousand times  for his work I am afraid I have to... -He is a great mentor, even if he says that that is not even his goal and that he only does this for himself because sharing his passion on life changing concepts excites him...

stimulants

If you eat a clean diet. If you don´t even drink coffee, if you really do a basic plant based diet... Then if it should happen that you consume something like  chocolate  for a special occasion  or even just some artificial sugar loaded thing, it might kick in... Like for others only heavier things kick in... Just sayin... An observation of mine...

We got full moon tonight... And it was a beautiful day all in all. Life is great. 

Goodnight

(^  ^)

Edited June 20, 2016 by Anna Konstantaki

[Anna Konstantaki]

7589

I take responsibility for my own little insanity...

I say the day was perfect because it was (you see the polysemy here?  )...

Next minute I think of my goals and mistakes...

But after that I remember to learn...

There is just as much to experience no matter the desicions.

And I wonder: What is it I am not aware of right now?

What am I missing out on?

I am physically tired and mentaly strong.

Have a peaceful night...

Much love.

(^  ^)

[Anna Konstantaki]

7590

visual intake

It´s day 6 of my no videos challenge and I am thinking of quiting... Ok, I watched the actualized.org episode on Sunday, a lyric video from a song yesterday and my eyes accidentaly caught some quantumnaut vid when I scrolled down the facebook newsfeed but except from these I have not watched anything and I am starting to seek some inspiration or information from somewhere. 

                         wars in my head

Caught up in a false mindset or in a negative emotion. Getting out is a process and my hope is that this process will be getting quicker and quicker... But why do I still end up this way anyways? Do I still suck at preventing? Yep...

                         encounters

Yestarday I had  a great conversation with that math guy and turns out that he is not just any math guy. In his school years he´d take part in competitions in order to loose time in class (I guess he found it boring) and one of his younger buddies he worked with is Germanys new generation math yea... I don´t like the word "genius". And he is not even weird but very down to earth. Had a good laugh with him...

I met a monk today. A harem krishnam monk. He had no time for me. -Too busy spotting students that might be interested in his books or flyers... I approached him and he was calm like a monk (young white guy in orange dressing, shaved head expect for a bound back tail at the back, some white paint stripe in the face) but he had something sales person-ish about his attitude...

Later I ran across one of my trainers walking barefoot with his longboard to a seminar... This guy does really not care what people think... Have I told you that I love walking barefoot? Once I walked barefoot to a park last year and a girl on a bike greeted me with "Muuuuuh", indicating that I am a cow or something like that... No, I did of course not stop walking barefoot when I feel like because of her!                     

                           fear

My skin condition on my leg got worse... I am afraid that this is one of those things that if it is not cut out it just keeps slowly but surely getting worse and growing. The thought of death is one thing and the thought of early death another and the thought of painful yet another (sometimes this son of a bitch hurts but it has been quiet these months)... 

post more in the forum...

On  21.10.15 I founded a two membered facebook group consisting of my brother and me. The intention behind this action was creating some space where we can share content, ideas and generaly keep better in touch while disgussing various topics (and hack the distractive and useless side of facebook through using the free saving space for interesting information). My plan was being a team that works on self improvement and creating an interactive learning routine where we share material and perspectives, create a dialog and really just talk about whatever life throws in to learn.

However, the whole thing did not turn out that serious for several reasons but I gathered some good vids and articles and stuff there and  I was thinking that I could share whatever interesting content I run over in time in my journal as well since keeping the mind open to any new knowledge can´t really harm anyone (except maybe for those who deny any knowledge graph expansions  )and who knows, maybe this will spark into some more good sharing...  

That´s it, I will go back to studying notes now because exams are ahead-see you

(^  ^)
 

 

[Anna Konstantaki]

7591

(^  ^)